Punctuating Internal Dialog

[Mal_Bey]

I have a couple of passages where I reveal my POV character's internal thoughts. As an example:

I pulled out my wallet to get the required funds. “Feel free to eat yours there. Onion rings taste best fresh.”

“But then yours will be awful…”

“If you order them just before you leave, they should be fine.” Please Laura, just get the fuck out. I don’t care if the rings last saw the fryer six months ago.

In the last paragraph, I make the switch to internal dialog, where the POV character just wants her friend to leave. I chose this method of punctuation because it seemed right and I don't recall seeing a similar situation in my own readings. First, is there a proscribed way of doing this, and if not, is my method clear?

Mal_bey

 

[MrPixel]

If it helps, I enclose whispering in "()". The same device might be usable for thinking to one's self like that.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think you want a prescribed method rather than a proscribed (forbidden) method there!

For situations like this, I use italics for thoughts. Some authorities prescribe punctuating internal thoughts of this kind the same way as regular dialogue, but in cases like your example that gets clunky.

 

[SimonDoom]

There's no such thing as an "official" or "prescribed" way to do things, but I found your passage confusing, and I read it several times. It may be because it's difficult to understand when the passage is taken out of context. You don't link to the story.

I don't think you need internal dialogue, as such, when you're writing in first person. To the extent that you narrate the POV character's internal feelings, I would do so as narration, not as internal dialogue.

This is how I'd do this passage, assuming I understand it correctly:

I pulled out my wallet to get the required funds.

“Feel free to eat yours there," I said. "Onion rings taste best fresh.”

“But then yours will be awful…”

“If you order them just before you leave, they should be fine.”

Why wouldn't Laura just get the fuck out? I didn't care if the rings last saw the fryer six months ago.


I think it's clearer and simpler if you handle it as narration than as internal dialogue. There's no need to wonder if you should quotes or special formatting.

I do not use quotes for internal dialogue/thoughts. I find a way of doing it that avoids that.

 

[TadOverdon]

In third person, I italicize internal dialogue. Usually. I've been experimenting.

This is a thing that I'm told was more reliable in the centuries of dead-tree publishing. The typesetting of a dead-tree book was not going to disappear through generations of cut-and-paste or website recoding.

 

[KeithD]

In the last paragraph, I make the switch to internal dialog, where the POV character just wants her friend to leave. I chose this method of punctuation because it seemed right and I don't recall seeing a similar situation in my own readings. First, is there a proscribed way of doing this, and if not, is my method clear?

The most generally followed U.S-style. publishing guidance supports how you did this. (Chicago Manual of Style, 16, 13.41).

 

[Bubo_bubo]

I follow the same convention as Bramblethorn. But whatever method you follow, be consistent and make sure that the reader can follow

 

[KeithD]

I follow the same convention as Bramblethorn. But whatever method you follow, be consistent and make sure that the reader can follow

Fine, unless you are trying to write to U.S. style. Formal U.S. style does NOT approve of using italics for thoughts (U.S. style is trying to minimize the use of italics altogether). Use of italics would be clear, if consistent, though, and some U.S. publishers do use them. It's not the authoritative guidance in U.S. style, though (if you are writing for U.S. publication).

 

[shakespeare_i_aint]

Here's a helpful Literotica article about how to place thinking italics in your story and keep them there when you submit the story for publication: https://www.literotica.com/s/bold-or-italic

 

[SimonDoom]

Here's a nice short article that clearly explains some of the options: https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-write-internal-dialogue

As with so many things, the key is to pick a method and stick with it so it's clear to the reader what you are doing.

 

[Mal_Bey]

pro - n. diminutive of professional

scribe - n. one who writes

What do you mean proscribe means “prohibited”? %$@# English language… B-)

Thanks all for your input. As they say, If you choose to break the rules, you should at least know the rules you are breaking. This was a case where as a young author I didn’t know the rule. I seem to have guessed well, but that is just lucky.

Again, Thanks!

Mal_Bey

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I personally think italics (without quotation marks) work just fine. Again, personal choice, but consistency is important.

 

[Bramblethorn]

pro - n. diminutive of professional

scribe - n. one who writes

What do you mean proscribe means “prohibited”? %$@# English language… B-)

Having one vowel of difference between the word that means "recommended" and the word that means "forbidden" certainly was a choice.

 

[jehoram]

I have a couple of passages where I reveal my POV character's internal thoughts. As an example:

I pulled out my wallet to get the required funds. “Feel free to eat yours there. Onion rings taste best fresh.”

“But then yours will be awful…”

“If you order them just before you leave, they should be fine.” Please Laura, just get the fuck out. I don’t care if the rings last saw the fryer six months ago.

In the last paragraph, I make the switch to internal dialog, where the POV character just wants her friend to leave. I chose this method of punctuation because it seemed right and I don't recall seeing a similar situation in my own readings. First, is there a proscribed way of doing this, and if not, is my method clear?

Mal_bey

If it's a POV character, I assume that you're talking about Laura. Italics would work, but in some retrieval systems they can be problematical. I think I'd just recast the last sentence as:

"If you order them just before you leave, they should be fine.”

"Please, Laura, " I thought, "Just get the fuck out. I don’t care if the rings last saw the fryer six months ago."

 

[dmallord]

Thanks everyone. This was an informative thread. Glad I stumbled into it quite by accident. In the back of his mind, the old man was really thinking, "Why the hell, doesn't Lit get this kind of writing information organized and placed in one readily identifiable location? I'd really, really appreciate that!"

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks everyone. This was an informative thread. Glad I stumbled into it quite by accident. In the back of his mind, the old man was really thinking, "Why the hell, doesn't Lit get this kind of writing information organized and placed in one readily identifiable location? I'd really, really appreciate that!"

Because someone would have to trawl through a bunch of random threads and extract sensible guidance from a bunch of ragged-ass opinions. This has been done in the past (as evidenced by the pages linked in the FAQ), but it's always been an author who has done it, not the site.

 

[KeithD]

And because amateur writers delight in having the power on the Internet to do something other than established industry standard and to thumb their noses at those who tell them what industry standard is (with citation of the authority involved).