Pregnancy and Parenting

SweetErika

Fingers Crossed
Joined
Apr 27, 2004
Posts
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Hubby and I were talking about how pregnancy and having a child in the future might affect our dynamic and lifestyle. He mentioned an "irrational fear" of not getting the attention he's become accustomed to, and I wonder if maternal feelings will usurp the "domly" ones I have now, or how I'll manage both roles when the time comes. I question how I'll feel and act when I'm pregnant and a mom. Will we revert back to our familar, egalitarian dynamic at stressful times? How will we incorporate play? (I should probably mention that ours are not huge, looming fears or questions we'd like you to advise us on, but rather this is simply a topic that's come up and piqued our curiosity on others' thoughts and experiences.)

Clearly, kids change nearly everything, but beyond not exposing them to the inappropriate, not being able to play whenever you want, etc., how have/do you think they will change your dynamic or lifestyle? Is there anything you have/will do to ease the transition (lifestyle-wise, I mean)? Did/will anything change for you emotionally?

I'm tired and hoping this is semi-coherent. :eek:
 
My wife and I did not explore BDSM until after we had children, so this exact question did not arise. In truth, I don't think it would have mattered. These two aspects of our lives don't intersect. We're essentially the same people as we were pre-children, just with less time. Having less time for play (or being too tired, or being stressed from dealing with a teenager) is by far the largest effect that our kids have had on our sex life.
 
SweetErika said:
Hubby and I were talking about how pregnancy and having a child in the future might affect our dynamic and lifestyle. He mentioned an "irrational fear" of not getting the attention he's become accustomed to, and I wonder if maternal feelings will usurp the "domly" ones I have now, or how I'll manage both roles when the time comes. I question how I'll feel and act when I'm pregnant and a mom. Will we revert back to our familar, egalitarian dynamic at stressful times? How will we incorporate play? (I should probably mention that ours are not huge, looming fears or questions we'd like you to advise us on, but rather this is simply a topic that's come up and piqued our curiosity on others' thoughts and experiences.)

Clearly, kids change nearly everything, but beyond not exposing them to the inappropriate, not being able to play whenever you want, etc., how have/do you think they will change your dynamic or lifestyle? Is there anything you have/will do to ease the transition (lifestyle-wise, I mean)? Did/will anything change for you emotionally?

I'm tired and hoping this is semi-coherent. :eek:

i already have children going into this..but i can tell you it's the same questions regardless. but, in the presence of my kids Master is 'Love' 'honey' 'sweetie' whatever we both know the meaning behind whatever title i call Him so my kids do not need to hear me call Him Master or Sir though sometimes i do say 'yes Sir' and my kids just smile thinking i'm being a smart ass (haha) Master also knows my kids needs come first, period and He would have it no other way. He's not worried about the attention that they will take away from Him because He knows they are my world and they come before ANYONE in my life. He's told me a million times that if i did put HIM first, He would lose respect for me. i will kneel at His feet while watching a movie even if my kids are in the room, but they think nothing of it because, well, i'm just sitting on the floor. i don't think in order to live this lifestyle if you have kids that you have to change 'much' and they don't ever have to be exposed to it or know what is going on, things can and (with us) are done subtly to keep that power exchange dynamic alive even with the kids around.
 
Alert: Rant Ahead

I am increasingly of the opinion that men of all sexual persuasions have a fear that their hypothetical future children will steal the attention away from them.

I'm curious why men think they'd be sitting around moping at the loss of attention once they become fathers. Hopefully these men who are considering fatherhood are also planning to lavish time and attention on their kids so that parenthood can be a joint project to bring a couple closer together, rather than a woman's hobby that's dragging her attention away from her partner.
 
Alsainder said:
Alert: Rant Ahead

I am increasingly of the opinion that men of all sexual persuasions have a fear that their hypothetical future children will steal the attention away from them.

I'm curious why men think they'd be sitting around moping at the loss of attention once they become fathers. Hopefully these men who are considering fatherhood are also planning to lavish time and attention on their kids so that parenthood can be a joint project to bring a couple closer together, rather than a woman's hobby that's dragging her attention away from her partner.
Whoops, I forgot to log in as me instead of my guy. That last post was totally mine.
 
My master has talked with me about having children. He already has a daughter, so it wouldn't be as large a change for him. For me, it doesn't seem to be much diferent than any other type of relationship. I would imagine that there would be the normal changes as previously stated. My biggest question is trying to keep the difference in the relationship away from the kids. I wouldn't think it would make a good topic for show and tell. My master brought up the idea of a dungeon, something sound proof. That would at least make me feel a little more comfortable for the times we do play that there won't be any questions from little ears in the morning.
 
Erika, you must be tired, because I can't think of many people here who have more understanding & common sense about relationships than you do.

Your hubby's fears are not irrational. Pregnancy not so much if all goes well, but babies & young children do irrevocably change relationships, for better or worse depending on the focus of the relationship.

Only you 2 can know what's important to you. If your sex life is a major part, then be prepared for very significant changes there. Tiredness, illnesses, lack of time, lack of desire, extra emotional ties (extremely strong ones at that) mean big change. We all think we can imagine those changes, but we have no idea until it actually happens.

We know you & I'm sure you'll make the right decisions. It's just very hard to explain this to anyone without kids.

Pleasure puppy. A dungeon sounds great. You can get away, play to your heart's content without the kids hearing anything. The problem with little kids is that YOU have to be able to hear THEM when they are in your care & be immediately available if they need you. It sounds from the way you've written your post that your Master does not have full time custody of his child. It's really easy for him to disregard the influence of having children around all the time, because he doesn't actually do it. Be very careful before you find yourself talked into a pregnancy when you haven't really considered the impact yourself. Take note of the advice that Erika has sought on this thread.
 
i must say, i have 3 children and it has not impacted my 'sex life' much at all. other than the time that i was recovering after giving birth.i'm sure like anything else it has a lot to do with your relationship and how you handle things yourself. of course you have to be careful not to 'expose' them to the 'lifestyle' the things that would traumatize them forever, but it's not hard to do and still keep the dynamics of your relationship in place, at least in my opinion and experience anyway. it's just something you'll need to discuss and work through just like anything else :)
 
Perhaps not now, Rose, in a new, exciting relationship with someone not their father, but what about when they were tiny & your marriage was, from all of your accounts, quite awful & abusive?

I'm not being intentionally intrusive into your marriage history, but you've been quite open & honest about it's difficulties in other threads & I'm curious now, in this context of the impact of babies on marriages be they good or bad to begin with.
 
incubus'_sub said:
Perhaps not now, Rose, in a new, exciting relationship with someone not their father, but what about when they were tiny & your marriage was, from all of your accounts, quite awful & abusive?

I'm not being intentionally intrusive into your marriage history, but you've been quite open & honest about it's difficulties in other threads & I'm curious now, in this context of the impact of babies on marriages be they good or bad to begin with.

not intrusive at all :) i have been open and honest about my previous marriage, and i'm pretty much an open book all around, so no worries. the best way i can answer your question is that that relationship was abusive/awful before we had kids, but our sex life was just fine even up to the time i left him. why did i stay? i was scared. why did i have kids with him? honestly, i was very young ( i was 16 when i had my daughter, 18 when i had my son) and i thought it was what i wanted i wouldn't change ANY of that for the world. but again, the only time the kids affected our sex life was right after birth during the 'healing' period and of course if they were sick or whatever, but i believe that's just 'normal life'. other than that we had a VERY good sex life (we weren't a D/s couple but he did give me the pain i needed during sex) i am definantly not saying that it will not change AT ALL, that would be quite silly to say because any change is going to have an effect on things, i just meant that it's not going to be a HUGE change that either one of them can't deal with. does this make sense? did i answer your question? if not, let me know and i'll try it again, i'm not always great at explaining myself as i'm sure you've seen ;)
 
incubus'_sub said:
Erika, you must be tired, because I can't think of many people here who have more understanding & common sense about relationships than you do.

Your hubby's fears are not irrational. Pregnancy not so much if all goes well, but babies & young children do irrevocably change relationships, for better or worse depending on the focus of the relationship.

Only you 2 can know what's important to you. If your sex life is a major part, then be prepared for very significant changes there. Tiredness, illnesses, lack of time, lack of desire, extra emotional ties (extremely strong ones at that) mean big change. We all think we can imagine those changes, but we have no idea until it actually happens.

We know you & I'm sure you'll make the right decisions. It's just very hard to explain this to anyone without kids.

Pleasure puppy. A dungeon sounds great. You can get away, play to your heart's content without the kids hearing anything. The problem with little kids is that YOU have to be able to hear THEM when they are in your care & be immediately available if they need you. It sounds from the way you've written your post that your Master does not have full time custody of his child. It's really easy for him to disregard the influence of having children around all the time, because he doesn't actually do it. Be very careful before you find yourself talked into a pregnancy when you haven't really considered the impact yourself. Take note of the advice that Erika has sought on this thread.

I agree with you Incubus Sub. Kids will lower the amount of time and energy for the husband. If having kids is less important to people than their sex life that's fine but at least for a few years, yep things will change.

Another thing, sure you can have your relationship and not really address how the power exchange works around the kids BUT kids have good instincts and are likely to pick up on it.

I don't find that a problem in particular. I mean I personally want my kids to know something about alternate sex roles and practices by the time they are old enough to be interested in sex, which is NOW. I wouldn't want to push anything on them. OTOH, I will allow them to be aware of things I wasn't (at their ages) so that they might have a much better chance at making informed choices for themselves. I think I would have been much happier, much sooner If I'd had that knowledge.

Fury :rose:
 
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FurryFury said:
I agree with you Incubus Sub. Kids will lower the amount of time and energy for the husband. If having kids is less important to people than their sex life that's fine but at least for a few years, yep things will change.

Another thing, sure you can have your relationship and not really address who the power exchange works around the kids BUT kids have good instincts and are likely to pick up on it.

I don't find that a problem in particular. I mean I personally want my kids to know something about alternate sex roles and practices by the time they are old enough to be interested in sex, which is NOW. I wouldn't want to push anything on them but allow them to be aware of things I wasn't so that they might have a much better chance at making informed choices for themselves.

Fury :rose:

i agree with that to an extent, though my kids are 13, 11 and 5 and i have no desire to let them know anything about the way i live my life right now, and i'm not sure i want them to know anytime in the NEAR future...so for now, it remains that in front of them "Master" "Sir" or the like are not used and we'll use the alternatives that we've come up. and i do know that children do pick up on things, as of yet, however, they have not....
 
lil_slave_rose said:
i agree with that to an extent, though my kids are 13, 11 and 5 and i have no desire to let them know anything about the way i live my life right now, and i'm not sure i want them to know anytime in the NEAR future...so for now, it remains that in front of them "Master" "Sir" or the like are not used and we'll use the alternatives that we've come up. and i do know that children do pick up on things, as of yet, however, they have not....

My kids and I have discuss many different sexual orientations and practices that include BDSM. However I didn't say, hey, kids this is what Dad and Mom do. They are smart kids. They hear some things.

Our walls are not soundproof though I wish they were. We don't have a dungeon either. I still like to be able to hear them if they need me. When they were little I needed to hear them even more.

My kids are curious about many things. They are comfortable to an extent talking with me about most of those things. They've learned we don't freak out or slap them down when they ask questions.

Fury :rose:
 
FurryFury said:
My kids and I have discuss many different sexual orientations and practices that include BDSM. However I didn't say, hey, kids this is what Dad and Mom do. They are smart kids. They hear some things.

Our walls are not soundproof though I wish they were. We don't have a dungeon either. I still like to be able to hear them if they need me. When they were little I needed to hear them even more.

My kids are curious about many things. They are comfortable to an extent talking with me about most of those things. They've learned we don't freak out or slap them down when they ask questions.

Fury :rose:

and that is defiantly a very good thing. my kids know they can come to me as well when there is something they need to talk about. and though i dont' necessarily like to talk to them about 'sex' i have quite often, especially my daughter who is 13 years old, but at this point, the lifestyle is just not something i want her 'exposed' to but i will, in the future let her know about it and she can make her own decisions from there....and i agree, they will hear things, as my walls are far from sound proof as well, and i can't wait to have to explain to them the noises they hear..haha....just curious, how old are your children?
 
My son is nearly 14. Since he was able to verbally ask questions he has not be satisfied with the warm fuzzy gloss over it type answers that 'rents usually give kids about sex. He was very specific about what he wanted to know and kept at it until he got those answers in full.

My daughter is 16. She is very into researching a lot of things including alternative lifestyles.

A year or so ago I had a conversation with them about people/animals who were dominant and those who were submissive mostly in a non sexual way. It was a very good conversation that I think will mean more to them as they go along.

I never wanted to talk about sex with my kids but felt it was part of my job as a parent to do so. It gets easier and easier to do. I actually put off the "BIG" talk until I felt they could keep it to themselves and yet before I was worried about what they were picking up elsewhere.

I know kids are smarter than most give them credit for. I also know that even when I try to hide emotions from them and myself they tend to pick up on them and act out about them. Hey, this kind of reminds me of the thread about what BDSM does to your pets. LOL. Kids are pets but they resonate things like emotions in strange damn ways.

Fury :rose:
 
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from a "kids" POV, Furry and Rose you sound like you have the right idea. i am 19 and my brother is 16. Sex was always an open topic, and we definitly picked up on a few things our parents did. by the time i was 17, i was convinced my parents were into BDSM at least to some degree. i was right. it was really helpful to me and my own development as a sub to be able to talk with my parents when i needed to and not feel like this was a "forbidden topic". your children are lucky.
 
myinnerslut said:
from a "kids" POV, Furry and Rose you sound like you have the right idea. i am 19 and my brother is 16. Sex was always an open topic, and we definitly picked up on a few things our parents did. by the time i was 17, i was convinced my parents were into BDSM at least to some degree. i was right. it was really helpful to me and my own development as a sub to be able to talk with my parents when i needed to and not feel like this was a "forbidden topic". your children are lucky.

thank you! though approaching the subject with my daughter is not easy, she has a hard time asking or even talking about it and she is still in the ewwww mom that's gross phase every time it gets brought up..lol..though she has asked some questions. and i'm glad that she feels she can come to me with her questions and i hope that she, like you, knows that it's not a 'forbidden topic' in our home...
 
LOL, they never get over the eeewwww thing. Hell, I still can't imagine my parents at it.

That said, my kids 33 & 29 now, do know about my relationship with my Master & we've talked about it a bit. Then again, I didn't have to face that when they were teenagers as I was trying very hard to be "normal" for my then hubby at that time.

Thanks Rose, you explained it quite well. I, too was a teenage mum. Actually, I think the hormones of the teenage years, mum or not, have a lot to do with a continuing good sex life in an otherwise difficult marriage. You have to grab the good bits when you can because not a lot of things are good.

I got the feeling from Erika's post that she was asking more about the immediate impact of parenthood, rather than the questions which appear later when they're older. It's a very long time since I was a new mum, but we do have a number of them here with recent experience to share I'm sure.
 
incubus'_sub said:
LOL, they never get over the eeewwww thing. Hell, I still can't imagine my parents at it.

That said, my kids 33 & 29 now, do know about my relationship with my Master & we've talked about it a bit. Then again, I didn't have to face that when they were teenagers as I was trying very hard to be "normal" for my then hubby at that time.

Thanks Rose, you explained it quite well. I, too was a teenage mum. Actually, I think the hormones of the teenage years, mum or not, have a lot to do with a continuing good sex life in an otherwise difficult marriage. You have to grab the good bits when you can because not a lot of things are good.

I got the feeling from Erika's post that she was asking more about the immediate impact of parenthood, rather than the questions which appear later when they're older. It's a very long time since I was a new mum, but we do have a number of them here with recent experience to share I'm sure.

that makes alot of sense and re-reading Erica's post i see that you are right and she was not asking about how you live the lifestyle when you have kids without them finding out about it. which was more my focus in my posts. thanks for pointing that out to me.

oh and i hope you are right that they never get through that eewwww stage, every time Desi (my daughter ) says that when i say something about sex, i tell her to keep on saying that until she's 35 haha....i also agree that as a teenager the hormones are definantly all out of whack and that would make the sex better even when the rest of the relationship sucks. i was with my ex husband from the time i was 13 till i was 23......so yea..i do agree with that and you made perfect sense. i am glad that i explained myself well, as usually i tend to do it very badly and end up getting myself into trouble :rolleyes:
 
SweetErika said:
Clearly, kids change nearly everything, but beyond not exposing them to the inappropriate, not being able to play whenever you want, etc., how have/do you think they will change your dynamic or lifestyle?
Bedroom issues are similar across the board. Spontaneity, privacy, time and energy issues challenge all new parents regardless of the flavor of their sexuality.

Outside the bedroom, the power dynamic shifts as new and previously unimagined preferences and opinions are borne in each parent. Strong preferences. Strong opinions. Decisions and choices to be made on issues that each parent may consider to be critically important.

My observation is that the more D/s extended beyond the bedroom pre-pregnancy, the more challenging the adjustment in the power dynamic will be.
 
This particular issue is on my mind lately, but I can't quite flesh it all out right now.

As far as your scenario goes, I think you'll be fine because your relationship is a priority. Mothers who make their relationship with their kid or kids the primary relationship in the home usually end up with unhappy marriages and kids who think they are the center of the universe. On the other hand, you should give yourself a little space to have all sorts of emotions and feelings about this right after the baby is born. Your hormones are going to be all over the place, and you might want to just cuddle with your baby for 24 hours straight or something. Or you might not. The first several months are nutty, but it's not permanent.
 
incubus'_sub said:
LOL, they never get over the eeewwww thing. Hell, I still can't imagine my parents at it.

That said, my kids 33 & 29 now, do know about my relationship with my Master & we've talked about it a bit. Then again, I didn't have to face that when they were teenagers as I was trying very hard to be "normal" for my then hubby at that time.

Thanks Rose, you explained it quite well. I, too was a teenage mum. Actually, I think the hormones of the teenage years, mum or not, have a lot to do with a continuing good sex life in an otherwise difficult marriage. You have to grab the good bits when you can because not a lot of things are good.

I got the feeling from Erika's post that she was asking more about the immediate impact of parenthood, rather than the questions which appear later when they're older. It's a very long time since I was a new mum, but we do have a number of them here with recent experience to share I'm sure.

I got way over the yuck stage over my 'rents having sex. Then again I may have never had that stage at all. I knew early on that my 'rents and grandparents were very sexual.

Fury :rose:
 
I think that a lot of my eewww factor came from my father being a sleaze. He still is, in his 70s, though I haven't had to speak to him or see him for about 10 years now.

My mum died when I was a kid, so I had to watch him date (that was fine, he was young), marry & remarry, cheat on all his wives often with their close friends. He even (still makes me want to throw up) came on to his brother's wife while she was breastfeeding her newborn while my mum was busy dying of leukaemia in the adjoining bedroom.......that's a real eeewww factor.
 
Apologies all around for posting this thread and running; the crud has hit Hubby and I full force, and work and rest is about all I've been able to manage. Thank you all for your awesome replies, though - you've brought up tons of great points, and I've enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts and experiences (sub-topics included)! :rose:
intothewoods said:
This particular issue is on my mind lately, but I can't quite flesh it all out right now.

As far as your scenario goes, I think you'll be fine because your relationship is a priority. Mothers who make their relationship with their kid or kids the primary relationship in the home usually end up with unhappy marriages and kids who think they are the center of the universe. On the other hand, you should give yourself a little space to have all sorts of emotions and feelings about this right after the baby is born. Your hormones are going to be all over the place, and you might want to just cuddle with your baby for 24 hours straight or something. Or you might not. The first several months are nutty, but it's not permanent.
I started to write something along these lines, but you summed my thoughts up well, intothewoods. :) A very large reason we feel the fear of not getting attention is irrational is because we are committed to giving our relationship primary status. We don't believe we can nuture our child as well as possible if we fail to nuture ourselves and our marriage. That's not to say we'll neglect our kid in favor of doing things that help our relationship; its just a matter of putting the extra effort into keeping 'us' as a priority.

JMohegan said:
My observation is that the more D/s extended beyond the bedroom pre-pregnancy, the more challenging the adjustment in the power dynamic will be.
For us, I think that's the crux of it. We're still finding our way outside of the bedroom especially, so it's difficult to envision how we'll continue to do that with the infinite changes pregnancy and parenting will bring. If our dynamic were more established, I think there'd be less uncertainty overall, but the novelty definitely adds to the fear of the unknown.
 
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