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PORTLAND, OR—In a startling press conference this week, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler announced he will be cracking down on Antifa rioters before things get out of hand and they start doing some real damage.
"This Antifa group is starting to worry me," said Wheeler while standing in front of the smoldering remains of downtown Portland. "I think it's time to start arresting these people before they take to the streets and start damaging property and terrorizing people. If we don't do something soon, it might get ugly."
Reporters pressed Wheeler to explain why he had taken the side of the fascists, considering Antifa means "anti-fascist" which means anyone who opposes them is a fascist.
"Yes, this is a disturbing thought," replied Wheeler. "It bothers me to consider that I may be a fascist now. I think the answer is to oppose Antifa with our cherished progressive values like love, tolerance, and diversity. And gulags."
Straight outta the Babylon Bee
Hopefully he will crack down on right-wing protesters as well. We need to put a lid on extremism from both sides; for some reason Antifa gets all the bad rap, but they deserve only some of it.
What about Washington DC, or the Malheur Wildlife reserve? Or Charlottesberg, VA? That sure as fuck wasn't Antifa. Portland and Seattle, maybe so.
What about Washington DC, or the Malheur Wildlife reserve? Or Charlottesberg, VA?
That sure as fuck wasn't Antifa.
Portland and Seattle, maybe so.
The Portland mayor embodies the talking point that was extensively focus-group tested here last year: "Murder is an appropriate response to property damage, but property damage is an inappropriate response to murder"