Polyamory

[SweetErika]

We've talked about it. She says he gives her an emotional component I haven't been able to and can't. She's not really giving me a chance to figure that one out.

Yeah, I get that, but I'm not getting why her having her needs met has led to you not having your needs met. Besides perhaps some time, what is her secondary relationship taking away from you/your marriage, and have you addressed that, specifically, with her?

For instance, if she stopped having sex with you when she started with the secondary, that's something you probably need to talk about. The secondary relationship should be adding to what you two have and making you both happier, not taking something away and making one of you less happy.

Anyway, it might be helpful for you to find some local poly resources. There are a lot of great discussion and support groups online and offline that you might benefit from.

 

[in4more]

Yeah, I get that, but I'm not getting why her having her needs met has led to you not having your needs met. Besides perhaps some time, what is her secondary relationship taking away from you/your marriage, and have you addressed that, specifically, with her?

For instance, if she stopped having sex with you when she started with the secondary, that's something you probably need to talk about. The secondary relationship should be adding to what you two have and making you both happier, not taking something away and making one of you less happy.

Anyway, it might be helpful for you to find some local poly resources. There are a lot of great discussion and support groups online and offline that you might benefit from.

Thanks for the tips. I agree that it should be making us both happier, but I'm not the one that pushed for it. I agreed because she couldn't quit wanting to be with him and that was driving a wedge between us. Now that she's happier, I'm happier in some aspects, but not so much in others. When I bring those up, she says sorry, but doesn't want to stop what we're doing and doesn't really address or wnat to work on that part of our relationship because she's happier.

I think we need to work on finding a middle ground where we're all happy. Just have to figure out where that is.

Guess we'll just see what happens.

 

[coastal-boy]

We've talked about it. She says he gives her an emotional component I haven't been able to and can't. She's not really giving me a chance to figure that one out.

When I hear this, I want to ask specifically what "emotional component" was not being fulfilled and why weren't you given an opportunity to work toward fulfilling it? Seems to me people say "communication" is the key and yet something as simple as this isn't explained in a manner permitting understanding for all parties involved? Can someone give me an example of an "emotional need" that was not being met by your partner and if your partner actively worked toward fulfilling that need, why that still isn't enough? I am starting to think what I consider emotional needs are not what others consider emotional needs.

 

[mister_magik]

When I hear this, I want to ask specifically what "emotional component" was not being fulfilled and why weren't you given an opportunity to work toward fulfilling it? Seems to me people say "communication" is the key and yet something as simple as this isn't explained in a manner permitting understanding for all parties involved? Can someone give me an example of an "emotional need" that was not being met by your partner and if your partner actively worked toward fulfilling that need, why that still isn't enough? I am starting to think what I consider emotional needs are not what others consider emotional needs.

I don't want to speak for everyone here, but to me (and to SweetErika, I think) it sounds like in4more's situation is different from most poly relationships. I wouldn't look to it and try to use it to understand what makes poly relationships work, let alone try to redefine your concept of emotional needs.

It sounds like the first half of your post was directed at in4more, but the second half was directed at the rest of us in the thread. I can't give you an example of an emotional need of mine that would have to come from someone else, because if one of my needs isn't being met, my spouse would be the first person I'd go to.

Everyone has their own emotional needs, though, so one person's emotional needs can be vastly different from another's. I suppose someone could say one of their emotional needs is to be with someone else in addition to their partner. That's something the primary couldn't fulfill.

 

[RuReal]

I have very good friends in a Poly relationship and there is no single person in there who is a weaker personality. They fight like other couples do the bonus is that when two of them are fighting the other party helps sort it all out.

As half of a married couple I find it very interesting to listen and watch thier relationship grow. I know my idea of Poly tends to differ from thiers, but it works for a lot of people.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

When I hear this, I want to ask specifically what "emotional component" was not being fulfilled and why weren't you given an opportunity to work toward fulfilling it? Seems to me people say "communication" is the key and yet something as simple as this isn't explained in a manner permitting understanding for all parties involved? Can someone give me an example of an "emotional need" that was not being met by your partner and if your partner actively worked toward fulfilling that need, why that still isn't enough? I am starting to think what I consider emotional needs are not what others consider emotional needs.

I'm speaking only from my experience, but before my husband and I started pursuing an open marriage, I was lacking an emotional component from him....BIG TIME. I didn't realize it until it smacked me in the face during therapy. To make a very, very long story short, my brother died. And when he died, my husband was not there for me. He was scared to death and had no earthly idea what to do to support me. The emotional component that he lacks, and he fully admits it, is the ability to support me when I am emotionally hurting. He was brought up in a family that does not cry, does not tell each other they love them, and who have never lost anyone close. When I was sobbing becuase my brother died, I had NO ONE there to pick me up. He understands this, and is working on it through his own therapy, but this is the type of support I get from my other "friends". Honestly, I love my husband, but when I need a shoulder to cry on, he's not the first person I turn to. It may sound awful, but I know that is who he is, and who he always has been, and that was the way he was raised, so I cannot change who he fundamentally is as a person. I have done my part by bringing it to his attention and he is doing his part by acknowledging it and working toward trying to make it better, but until that day comes, I still need someone to help dry my tears when they come.

 

[hellsgate]

As long as I get to eat the girl out + have sloppy 4ths/5th's after she lets her other husbands cum inside her without condoms and lets me breastfeed when she's lactating or her gf's are....

 

[in4more]

It does appear that my situation is actually different than what some of you guys have described, but I think it can be considered a poly relationship. My wife has (with my reluctant agreement) continued her relationship with another that she says meets some of her emotional needs better than I do. She is happy though she's conflicted about the friction it causes us.

Most (well, almost all) of that friction is from me. I was in a situation that for her to be happy, I agreed to let her have this relationship. She's genuinely in love with the guy and it makes me feel like I've failed at some part of our relationship because I can't give her whatever it is that she can't really explain that he does. I think that's a pretty natural response to want to be able to give your partner anything they need and not being able to do that makes me feel like I've let her down.

I've decided this weekend after fighting with her the night before she left for a three day weekend with him that I am going to shelve my jealousy and work it out. I've decided if her can bring her happiness and I can as well, then that should be good for us all and I should be happy for us. Yes there's some jealousy, but I will work that out and hopefully that will become less and less. I know there are things I do for her that he doesn't and I'll concentrate on those so it will make those times more special when we're together.

I know she might not be fine with me having a relationship outside like she is, but that's something she'll have to adjust to if that chance develops for me. It seems only natural that since she's letting him meet needs I don't, if I find someone to meet needs she doesn't I should be allowed to do that. It's not about the sex--I'm past that. It's more about being able to share things and experiences with someone that gives you the things you're not getting in your relationship and growing because of it as a couple. Am I missing the point?

 

[NomadLady]

It does appear that my situation is actually different than what some of you guys have described, but I think it can be considered a poly relationship. My wife has (with my reluctant agreement) continued her relationship with another that she says meets some of her emotional needs better than I do. She is happy though she's conflicted about the friction it causes us.

Most (well, almost all) of that friction is from me. I was in a situation that for her to be happy, I agreed to let her have this relationship. She's genuinely in love with the guy and it makes me feel like I've failed at some part of our relationship because I can't give her whatever it is that she can't really explain that he does. I think that's a pretty natural response to want to be able to give your partner anything they need and not being able to do that makes me feel like I've let her down.

I've decided this weekend after fighting with her the night before she left for a three day weekend with him that I am going to shelve my jealousy and work it out. I've decided if her can bring her happiness and I can as well, then that should be good for us all and I should be happy for us. Yes there's some jealousy, but I will work that out and hopefully that will become less and less. I know there are things I do for her that he doesn't and I'll concentrate on those so it will make those times more special when we're together.

I know she might not be fine with me having a relationship outside like she is, but that's something she'll have to adjust to if that chance develops for me. It seems only natural that since she's letting him meet needs I don't, if I find someone to meet needs she doesn't I should be allowed to do that. It's not about the sex--I'm past that. It's more about being able to share things and experiences with someone that gives you the things you're not getting in your relationship and growing because of it as a couple. Am I missing the point?

You are so right that it is not about the sex at this point. If there is a need she isn't meeting in your life, there should be no jealously on her part when you go out and fill that need. Good luck with your search!!!

 

[pplwatching]

I've decided this weekend after fighting with her the night before she left for a three day weekend with him that I am going to shelve my jealousy and work it out. I've decided if her can bring her happiness and I can as well, then that should be good for us all and I should be happy for us. Yes there's some jealousy, but I will work that out and hopefully that will become less and less. I know there are things I do for her that he doesn't and I'll concentrate on those so it will make those times more special when we're together.

I don't believe that there is such a thing as shelving jealousy. Jealousy is an instinct that tells you that there is a serious threat to your marriage that needs to be addressed. There are instances where that instinct is misguided and wrong, but there are also times when it is justified. In my humble opinion you ignore it at the peril of your marriage. I think that you may be able to bury it it for a while, but I also think that in time it will only grow stronger there and destroy your marriage both when it resurfaces and as you grow to resent your wife's disregard for your legitimate feelings and concerns.

I am very sorry that your wife's disregard for your feelings in favor of her own desire for this other man is creating so much conflict and pain for you. What seems to be apparent from my outside view of your marriage is that you are trying to rationalize her behavior as a form of love. In my opinion it isn't. Intentionally causing you pain and suffering, when she could choose not to, so that she can have some need met outside of the marriage is selfish at best and poisonous to you and your marriage.

Your situation is not the same as a poly relationship where there is mutual respect all around. It seems to me to be nothing more than selfish rationalization that she somehow needs both of you to feel complete, while ripping your marriage apart to achieve it. In my opinion she is being selfish or doesn't care that she is causing you so much pain. Expecting you to do all of the work to accept this situation to somehow make your marriage whole is certainly easier than making the hard choice of choosing to make you whole again or leaving you for this other man.

I am very sorry to say this, because I know that it will hurt to read it but a healthy love relationship in marriage doesn't cause pain, and certainly not intentionally. The fact that she chooses to selfishly continue her poly relationship knowing that she is causing you pain shows a complete disregard for you and your marriages. In my opinion what compounds the situation is that her lover apparently approves of her causing you pain so he can meet his own selfish needs. You can be certain that when he wants her all to himself that he will fight for her, and drive the stake the rest the of the way into your marriage.

It's your marriage and mine is only a voice in the wilderness, but it's obvious that she is incapable of making a choice. I think you would be much better served by choosing to fight for your marriage or ending it and moving on to a healthy relationship that meets your needs and in which you can mutually fulfill each other's needs.

I am very sorry that you are going through this.

 

[satindesire]

I have to agree with pplwatching.

in4more, your example of 'poly' isn't a healthy one. What you are doing is relationship and emotional health suicide.

If you continue letting her be with this man, it will destroy you. If you give her the ultimatum and she walks, then she walks. But in the end, I truly believe this woman is NOT right for you. It's just a matter of when you decide to end the relationship-quickly without too much pain and trauma, or slowly with suffering and self-esteem loss on your part.

 

[infid3l]

Alright folks....have at it. Tell me all of your opinions on polyamory. Do you agree with it? Do you practice it? How do you practice it? I'm just very curious about the topic and would like to hear more...

Do you agree with it? - Yes, absolutely.

Do you practice it? No.

How do you practice it? N/A.

I think that society has done more harm than good in codifying what a "relationship" is. It should allow for "partnerships" with all the same allowances that the currently legally accepted norm is (yes, I understand that's a bit off-topic).

I see nothing at all wrong with polyamory; I think it's very likely that's what the majority of us would be practicing overtly if it weren't for the stigma of current social conventions. I think it's likely that was why we evolved the sexual cues and features we have. Dangit... just can't stay on topic, can I?

Ugh... anyways. If it works for y'all, awesome!

My mate and I have considered it, but we're concerned about risking our relationship for something that neither one of us really feels is something we have to have. Both of us have been curious now and then. When we talk about it, so far we've ended up back at the decision that we don't really want to have to deal with the potential risks or potential drama.

 

[NomadLady]

I didn't really want to "go there" but since pplwatching and satin desire both did I do think they are right about this one.

In all honesty trying "shelve" your feelings about this would be tantamount to shelving your marriage. If she can't or won't share with you what this other man offers...yes, she is being extremely selfish.

You seem like an understanding, sweet man that might be getting walked on emotionally...

 

[pplwatching]

If you give her the ultimatum and she walks, then she walks.

Ultimatums never work, in my experience, and will only plant the seeds of resentment that she has somehow given up something only because it was demanded of her. Love chooses freely and only asks that those we love choose freely in return. In my opinion if she doesn't freely choose to make her marriage whole, an ultimatum will only postpone the inevitable.

Sometimes the 'worse' in our marriage vows is having our spouse choose a path that brings us pain. Depending on your values and commitment to your marriage, your own choice may very well be to try to guide her back to a healthy marriage. Falling on that sword to save your marriage is not the same thing as shelving jealousy for an illusion of marriage bliss. The former is an act of love while the latter is, as Satin eloquently says, suicide.

I believe that if you choose to fight for your marriage then your best hope is to ask her to fight for your marriage with you, making it clear that the marriage is in mortal danger. Failing a commitment from her to do that, you can choose to continue demonstrating unshakable love and devotion to her while still making your feelings and pain known, in the hope that she will eventually choose to do so. That is not the same thing as accepting that her actions are appropriate or healthy.

Your only other choice is the difficult and painful one to let her go. If that's your choice, tell her what you've decided. At that point she will decide if her marriage is worth saving or not. If she chooses to refocus on your marriage, she will do it freely and you will have a chance.

 

[satindesire]

Ultimatums never work, in my experience, and will only plant the seeds of resentment that she has somehow given up something only because it was demanded of her. Love chooses freely and only asks that those we love choose freely in return. In my opinion if she doesn't freely choose to make her marriage whole, an ultimatum will only postpone the inevitable.

In his case, she was the one who gave it to him first. She wanted to be with this other guy, or else. He chose to allow her to be with him.

Ultimatums DO work, PROVIDING you are willing to follow through with them no matter what the outcome is. Ultimatums often don't work because people are not brave enough to follow through with their word.

 

[in4more]

I can appreciate what you guys have all said and you're all right on some level. And don't worry--there's nothing you can say that will offend me. It's your opinion and I can appreciate that when it's constructive.

I understand this wouldn't really be considered a true "poly" relationship because from what you all say that is a situation where all the parties needs are being met and they're fine with that. Sounds like my situation is just letting my wife fool around on the side because I really don't have a choice at this point without braking up our family. I don't think it's right that she doesn't try and make things work without him. She says she loves him too and she can't control that. When I gave her the ultimatum of choosing, she chose me and our family, but after a week or so started contacting him again because she couldn't get over him.

I agree it's totally unhealthy and selfish on her part and you are right that I should probally move on, but other family considerations (like our 4 young kids) make me have to choose wisely and be the better person here. I don't want her to continue and it sucks, but we do get along when we're together and having fun as a family and we do have a pretty healthy sex life. And making sure our kids are in a loving home is very important and I'm able to keep any of the animosity I may feel way from them so they really have no idea what's going on.

With me being a full time student for the next year and a bit I'm kind of in a hard spot. I can stay, put up wth it and be with my children lots, or make things blow up and have to handle being a single dad of 4 and shuffeling them betweed two homes. I also can hold out and hope the fun wears off and she decides to end it with him and be with me. She's the mother of my children and call me old fashioned, but I'd still take her back fully if she ended it with him. I can forgive her for what she's doing even if she can't see how crappy it is right now.

And if it doesn't work out and we're done, then she can have the assurance that I will be happy and she chose to put us in that place. Sometimes choosing the road you think is right isn't as smooth as you want it to be, but if you don't go down it you might miss the opportunity. I'll give her her space and hope she sees where she's taking us. I have a feeling she'll be singing a different tune if I become involved with someone as well that is taking her place in fulfilling the needs she's neglecting.

Thanks for the input.

 

[RuReal]

Different battles are handled in different ways. You are correct in saying you are not in a healthy poly relationship if you are in a poly relationship at all.

Does not mean the situation cannot be fixed, but it will take work. The choice on if you want to do that work is all up to you. You have heard what other people would do if they were in your situation, but the key is that those are other people. They don't have to live your life you do. Do what ever works for you and what brings you happiness in the end.

I see a real lack of respect on her part, but that is just how I see things what do I know.

 

[hiddenhere]

if I become involved with someone as well that is taking her place in fulfilling the needs she's neglecting.

I know nothing about your relationship... there.

Yet, fullfiling the needs she is neglecting would require to find someone that is willing to have the same kind and level of commitment as you. Good luck finding that while still married.
Also, are you willing to start liking being cuckolded?
What will you tell your children- life is about? about children?

Best wishes.

 

[mister_magik]

Yet, fullfiling the needs she is neglecting would require to find someone that is willing to have the same kind and level of commitment as you. Good luck finding that while still married.

I hear this a lot. People seem to have the attitude that if a man is in an open or poly relationship he's not going to have any success finding a second woman that will be agreeable to the arrangement.

I have no doubt that it is easier for a woman to find an outside partner than it is for a man; I am not disputing that. If a woman is offering sex, men will take her up on it. If it's a man offering sex, women will be...well, more "selective". When you are already in a relationship and looking for an outside person to supplement it, your pool of options decreases, both for men and women, because of the social conventions of our society.

I have heard anecdotal evidence that women are more likely to have sex with a man that they think is cheating on his wife than they are to have sex with a man whom they know is in an open relationship. I think it's incredibly disappointing that dishonesty and possibly hurting a spouse are more socially acceptable than being in an open relationship, and I consider it a sad commentary on our society's twisted and hypocritical attitudes toward sex.

What I am getting annoyed with is the fact that people make it sound like it is impossible for a man to find another partner outside of his current relationship. If that were true, all poly relationships would be one female with multiple males. That's just not the case. And not all of the women involved with a poly relationship are fooled into thinking that the man is cheating, nor are they all under the delusion that he's going to ultimately leave his wife/other partner(s) and be with only her. There are men AND women out there (some in this thread) for whom poly relationships work, are desirable, and in some cases maybe even preferential to a traditional relationship.

In4more, I am not suggesting that you try to find another partner, just that it's not as monumental a task as some people will make it out to be. I throw my hat in with the people here who think that your marriage has some serious issues that need to be resolved if it's going to survive. The fact that she is seeking outside fulfillment knowingly at your expense concerns me, as does the fact that you are saying there are needs of yours that she's neglecting. So it sounds like both of you have needs that are not currently being met by your spouse. However, because you don't seem to be able to articulate to each other what those needs are, it also sounds like the two of you are not communicating effectively, which along with security is one of the foundations of an open/poly relationship.

I would urge the two of you to get some counseling from a therapist who is both open minded and nonpartial so that you can figure out what each other's needs are, how or even if you can meet those needs, and whether a poly relationship is right for you. Otherwise, if you do find another partner while your marriage is in the state that it's currently in, I could see you and your wife both just drifting further apart as you seek your fulfillments in the new relationships. It sounds like you aren't comfortable with that scenario, so I don't think another partner for you is the immediate answer. And if you can't meet the need(s) of hers in question, then even if she does tire of the new partner and go back to solely you, then the need still isn't being fulfilled and the both of you will still be unhappy.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

I like what MisterMagik has to say about people misunderstanding the concept of men having the ability to find a woman who is accepting of a poly relationship. I am involved with a man at the moment who is married. She is fully aware of and supportive of he and I's relationship. Additionally, my husband is involved with another woman and she is fully aware of and supportive of our open marriage. I am also fully aware of and in support of his relationship with her.

Honestly, I find it incredibly rewarding and fulfilling to finally find a man who I care about immensely that understands my place and position in all of this. He gets me. He gets my life. And I get him and his. I don't apologize to people who don't understand. I also make no excuses to those people who want to judge me and say that there is something wrong in my marriage because I seek the companionship of another man.

And what would people say if this other relationship didn't involve sex? Because it doesn't. Right now, we are dating. Not to say it won't happen in the future, because it might, but right now, it doesn't.

But I digress....there is nothing wrong with my marriage. In fact, it is in a better place now than it ever has been and I feel more in love and connected with my husband now than I ever have in the 15 years we've been together.

So who knows...it seeems there are a lot of thoughts and opinions on the subject. I'm happy and at peace with my open marriage and my polyamorous relationships with others. Like I said, I make no apologies.

 

[JTobia]

The only way i'd agree to polygamy is if my girl was bi, and hooked up with females only.

I really don't like the thought of another guy having been with my girl.

 

[MattWright]

I like this line of thinking and find that it is similar to what I have come to believe. I also would like to say I appreciate your open minded view of the subject.

For several years my wife and I had a relationship with another couple. We were not in love with them but we loved them physically and emotionally. Our primary bond was and still is primary. We lived in separate households. Sometimes we switched partners with them in the same room and sometimes in separate bedrooms and households. We even went out on dates both separately and together. Sometimes we went out as couples and switched halfway through the evening. I have to tell you it was great fun! Some would say we were poly some would say we were swingers. The labels are not so important to me. The arrangement dissolved when he joined a religious organization. She started playing with others they divorced and both remarried. We remained friends with both and do sometimes see them socially but we are no longer intimate with them or their new spouses. I would say this relationship worked out well for us. I do think they would have divorced anyway. None of us regrets any of it.

 

[satindesire]

We were not in love with them but we loved them physically and emotionally.

Uh...what?

 

[MattWright]

Uh...what?

Just my awkward way of saying that we loved them in different ways than we loved each other. My relationship with her was different than my relationship with my wife. The sex was hot and lusty but not so much of an intellectual connection. Does that make more sense?

 

[satindesire]

Just my awkward way of saying that we loved them in different ways than we loved each other. My relationship with her was different than my relationship with my wife. The sex was hot and lusty but not so much of an intellectual connection. Does that make more sense?

Yes, thank you.