Polyamory

[mister_magik]

If I had grown up with the internet, I'd definitely be living differently than I am now.

Fourth'd. I think that if the Internet had been around when I was a teen I would've been a lot more comfortable with myself because I would have found kinship with other people with alternative viewpoints instead of feeling like I was going to Hell for thinking outside the established norm.

And Velia, that really was great.

I'm not in a poly relationship, but I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I think that it's impossible to love two people in the exact same way simply because they are different people. I don't see how you could have the same relationship with both of them. That's not to say that you love one more than the other (maybe you do, maybe you don't), just that it's different.

If we're capable of loving a person, then logically we are also capable of loving someone else. If my wife had never met me, I know full well that she wouldn't be a nun in a convent somewhere. She'd be in a relationship with someone else because she is a human who is capable of loving. It's the same with me. If I hadn't gotten together with her, I'd be in a relationship with someone else, too. However, neither of those hypothetical relationships would be what my wife and I have because that relationship could only be generated by she and I together.

I'm secure enough to know that if that hypothetical someone else came along, it wouldn't replace what we have because I know that our love is strong enough that it can't be lost. Adding a third (or fourth) party would change things, though. And that, to me, would be the deciding factor. Is this other person worth changing the relationship I've currently got?

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

Very good point, and what I've often wondered myself.

I liken it to having children. When a couple has a child, they love him more than anything in the world. They cannot imagine life without him and their love is unconditional and endless. But then, they find out they are pregnant again. How on earth could they love another child as much as they love their first? When I was pregnant with my daughter, that thought often came up in conversations with my husband. We were worried that our love for our son would change, or that we wouldn't give him the attention we always had. But when our daughter was born, it was amazing. Our hearts simply grew. We didn't love her any more or less than our son, we simply loved her differently. We loved her for who she was...and to this day, our hearts continue to grow to accomodate the love we continually find ourselves capable of creating.

 

[mister_magik]

Very good point, and what I've often wondered myself.

I liken it to having children. When a couple has a child, they love him more than anything in the world. They cannot imagine life without him and their love is unconditional and endless. But then, they find out they are pregnant again. How on earth could they love another child as much as they love their first? When I was pregnant with my daughter, that thought often came up in conversations with my husband. We were worried that our love for our son would change, or that we wouldn't give him the attention we always had. But when our daughter was born, it was amazing. Our hearts simply grew. We didn't love her any more or less than our son, we simply loved her differently. We loved her for who she was...and to this day, our hearts continue to grow to accomodate the love we continually find ourselves capable of creating.

If only more parents were like you and your husband! Even if the dynamic of a relationship changes, the love that was already there doesn't have to change or lessen to provide room for the new love. True love is infinitely large yet there's always room for it to continue to grow.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

If only more parents were like you and your husband! Even if the dynamic of a relationship changes, the love that was already there doesn't have to change or lessen to provide room for the new love. True love is infinitely large yet there's always room for it to continue to grow.

Exactly. And through this adventure of an open marriage, we are discovering new and different ways that we love and appreciate each other. I honestly, truly, believe that we are far more in love now than we ever thought we were when we exchanged vows.

 

[mister_magik]

Exactly. And through this adventure of an open marriage, we are discovering new and different ways that we love and appreciate each other. I honestly, truly, believe that we are far more in love now than we ever thought we were when we exchanged vows.

We're just getting started with an open marriage/swinging, and I completely get what you're saying. It's opened up whole new levels of honesty, understanding, communication, compassion, appreciation, and so much more.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

We're just getting started with an open marriage/swinging, and I completely get what you're saying. It's opened up whole new levels of honesty, understanding, communication, compassion, appreciation, and so much more.

You took the words right out of my mouth. Good luck to you, it sounds like you have the basis to make it work well, like my husband and I do. You are a very lucky man, and she is lucky to have you.

 

[Epmd607]

And more definitions....

Polyamory, Polyamorous. The core concept of polyamory is being involved in or open to multiple loving relationships, in a context of honesty and negotiation. The word roots are poly = multiple, and amor = love (specifically the sexual/romantic kind of love). Not in the roots but very important is the commitment to honesty with all partners, and openly negotiated ground rules. The term was coined in the early 80's by Morning Glory and Oberon Zell.

Polyamorous, Polyamory were coined in the early 70s at the latest.

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=polyamory&searchmode=none

I don't know what a pagan wizard and a neo-shaman have to do with the etymological discussion. lol. JS Mill, Harriet Taylor, Bertrand Russell, Simone de Beauvoir all lived and wrote about polyamorous relationships, usually within the framework of marriage. Marriage has always been especially important to polyamory. I wouldn't just say anthropological definitions of polygyny and polyandry are irrelevant to the discussion because the terms don't pop up in the works of 70s mystics. Just because something describes a cultural pattern doesn't mean the people involved don't experience romantic intimacy.

The core concept of polyamory is romantic intimacy between three or more people. I'd say that honesty and openness are already found within the term.

 

[in4more]

So how do you guys in an open relationship deal with any jealousy?

My wife had a fling with a guy we're friends with and she's still into him, but didn't want to end it with me. She kept out of contact with him for a few months, but she started saying she wished she could have us both because I'm great in the sack and a good father, but she just feels things with him emotionally she doesn't with me. We've got a good relationship and are good friends--she's probally my best friend.

I agreed to let them start talking again since she'd been unhappy and they're both happier than ever and that makes our relationship better. I'm not an idiot--I know they'll start having sex again and I told her I'm cool with it as long as she doesn't use the excuse that she did it with him so she's not in the mood with me.

I'm still good frineds with him and it's like we're sharing her. They text, talk, meet for lunch once a week and go out if they can work it in. I'm not really interested in another partner, but wouldn't turn it down if the situation was right.

So if one of you in an open relationship is having good times with someone else and the other isn't, don't you find jealousy issues?

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

So how do you guys in an open relationship deal with any jealousy?

My wife had a fling with a guy we're friends with and she's still into him, but didn't want to end it with me. She kept out of contact with him for a few months, but she started saying she wished she could have us both because I'm great in the sack and a good father, but she just feels things with him emotionally she doesn't with me. We've got a good relationship and are good friends--she's probally my best friend.

I agreed to let them start talking again since she'd been unhappy and they're both happier than ever and that makes our relationship better. I'm not an idiot--I know they'll start having sex again and I told her I'm cool with it as long as she doesn't use the excuse that she did it with him so she's not in the mood with me.

I'm still good frineds with him and it's like we're sharing her. They text, talk, meet for lunch once a week and go out if they can work it in. I'm not really interested in another partner, but wouldn't turn it down if the situation was right.

So if one of you in an open relationship is having good times with someone else and the other isn't, don't you find jealousy issues?

I think it works well for us because we both are not naturally jealous people. I thought it might be hard, but I surprised myself when I found I wasn't jealous at all. I am truly happy for him that he has someone that makes him happy, and that makes our relationship better. He also is elated for me when I'm happy. I don't really know how to answer your question because honestly, we haven't really felt any jealousy. I guess we're lucky that way. We also talked long and hard about the issue of neglect. We both will have issues if either of us is neglecting the other because we're too busy fooling around with someone else. We agreed that if either one of us felt that way, it either stopped, or we re-evaluated, big time. It's all about communication, really.

 

[in4more]

I think it works well for us because we both are not naturally jealous people. I thought it might be hard, but I surprised myself when I found I wasn't jealous at all. I am truly happy for him that he has someone that makes him happy, and that makes our relationship better. He also is elated for me when I'm happy. I don't really know how to answer your question because honestly, we haven't really felt any jealousy. I guess we're lucky that way. We also talked long and hard about the issue of neglect. We both will have issues if either of us is neglecting the other because we're too busy fooling around with someone else. We agreed that if either one of us felt that way, it either stopped, or we re-evaluated, big time. It's all about communication, really.

So I'm on the same page with being happy for her. It is making our relationship better and it's not like they're getting together every night for a sex-a-thon. They truly have feelings for each other, but she acts like a school girl or an in love teenager around him and doesn't with me. She says we've never had that type of relationship so she doesn't know what to say.

Maybe if I was seeing someone too to fill that part of our relationship, I'd be better with it. To tell you the truth, I don't really have that need since most of my physical needs are still being taken care of. I don't want to go out and sleep with someone just because of what she's doing. It's not about the sex. It might be fun to experience it with someone else since I've got an active imagination, but that's not a priority. I will say that since she's seeing him I don't have as much reservation of pursuing something if the situation presents itself.

I think what it boils down to is I feel since she's said he gives her something I don't that I've failed in that part of our relationship. I'm working through that and I'm not going to waffle and tell her to stop. I've agreed to our arrangement and we'll work it out. It's not tradiotional and it's definately sometimes wierd, but it's working for us so it's good. I think as some of you have said our relationship/trust/understanding each other is getting stronger so that's good too.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

but she acts like a school girl or an in love teenager around him and doesn't with me.

I think what it boils down to is I feel since she's said he gives her something I don't that I've failed in that part of our relationship.

I can completely understand this. In fact, I spoke with both my medical doctor and my therapist about this type of thing a while ago when I was trying to figure all of this out. The "school girl" "teenage" "excitement" of a relationship is caused by a pheromone in the brain. It is the chemical that allows your body to be physically over the moon for someone and stay up all night with them and seemingly not need rest or sleep. You are being fueled by the excitement of that new found, or socially "taboo" exciting relationship. Eventually, as with any relationship, that newness wears off, because the body physically cannot keep up with it. It is physiologically impossible for that "exciting teenage love" feeling to sustain in a real relationship, or marriage. Life happens, and takes the wind out of our sails more often than not.

Don't feel as if you've failed because she says she gets something from him that you don't give her. Each and every human that walks this planet is physically and emotionally different. It's not that you are lacking, it's just different. If you ask her, I'd almost guarantee that she'll also agree that you give her something, and satisfy some need of hers, that he doesn't.

I am head over heels in love with my husband. He is my best friend and my confidant. But there are certain things that I yearn for, that I lust after, that he doesn't provide. It's not that I think he is less of a man, or has failed me in any way, it's just who he is. I am sexually and emotionally involved with others as well and each one of them bring something different to our relationship. They fulfill and satisfy me in all different ways. None of them is better than the other, except that I've chosen my husband as my life mate, because he best suits me in so many ways.

I hope this wasn't just a ramble and helped some. I just wanted to let you know that your concerns are justified, your feelings are real, and if you choose to learn from this, you will be able to take part in an amazing experience with your wife. Good luck to you.

 

[infinity706]

Well, I can say I've gotten slightly jealous of a few fuck buddies on occasion. It's not really that big of a deal, though. Everyone is different and there probably isn't a person on the planet that wouldn't provide you with something your partner doesn't. It doesn't mean you're lacking unless everyone is. I do like to talk about as much as my partners are willing to share, though, and sometimes, it even lets me find out something they like that I may never have discovered.

 

[butt40ts37]

poly is successful when each person feels and is treated as irreplaceable and unique enough

if you're good at this it works, if you're bad at this , you'll hear it!

Beautiful picture Net

 

[livvylaine]

I have read through all these posts and it has helped me with what I am going through. My bf and I have been talking about opening up our relationship and inviting others into it. I had reservations regarding the sharing and loving but I do have to say that all points expresses have really helped me understand and release all other ideas I had of polyamory. I am looking forward to this new experience with my bf.

Thank you grneyedgrl for posting your thread

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

Thank you grneyedgrl for posting your thread

You are quite welcome! Sometimes the best way to alleviate fears and figure something out is to just talk through it. When I started this thread, I was unsure of a lot of things. Now, with the help of others, I am more sure and confident in my position.

Good luck to you!

 

[in4more]

I hope this wasn't just a ramble and helped some. I just wanted to let you know that your concerns are justified, your feelings are real, and if you choose to learn from this, you will be able to take part in an amazing experience with your wife. Good luck to you.

I din't put your whole post here, but you know what? I really appreciate your honesty and I know this will take some getting used to. Thanks for your encouragement and wisdom on the issue. You've been truly helpful.

 

[coastal-boy]

http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/07/27/ryan.promiscuity.normal/index.html?hpt=C2

not that I agree with this opinion, but I did think it was deserving of being posted to the group.

 

[banes27]

Well personally I don't see any problem with a polyamorous relationship under the usual conditions that each party involved consents to the situation and hasn't been coerced into it or is suppressing feelings against it and I do believe such relationships can actually exist if the right people are involved much like open relationships, closed relationships, swinging, marriage (in which ever sense) between people of either different or the same sex which can (and do) exist and can work if the right people are involved.

I agree with the position mentioned above as well that although a single person is capable of loving two different people in the same type of way, in this case the same kind of love that exists in 2-party relationships of a similar "level", I don't think it's entirely possible for that person two love the other two in exactly the same way since they, presumably, have different physical and mental characteristics which may be the source of love, although certainly some of those characteristics may overlap.

As to whether I could take part in such a relationship, I don't know really. I mean, I'm fairly certain I could be in an open relationship with multiple sexual partners and a single amorous partner but whether I could take it that one step further I'm not sure. What I do know, though, is that my relationship with my fiancee could not be extended fully into either territory. We have a set of rules in place which permit instances of sex outside of our relationship but it could never be fully open and given my fiancee's personality it could never be polyamorous.

 

[satindesire]

Well personally I don't see any problem with a polyamorous relationship under the usual conditions that each party involved consents to the situation and hasn't been coerced into it or is suppressing feelings against it and I do believe such relationships can actually exist if the right people are involved much like open relationships, closed relationships, swinging, marriage (in which ever sense) between people of either different or the same sex which can (and do) exist and can work if the right people are involved.

Longest. Sentence. EVAR.

 

[banes27]

Longest. Sentence. EVAR.

Nah, I've written longer ones before, mostly at uni

 

[satindesire]

Nah, I've written longer ones before, mostly at uni

I said that out loud, no joke, and my face turned purple!

I was okay with that though because it matched my tank top.

 

[banes27]

I said that out loud, no joke, and my face turned purple!

I was okay with that though because it matched my tank top.

Haha. And I just did a word count and the second paragraph (also a single sentence) is actually a whole two words longer

But just to clarify the point:

Can a polyamorous relationship exist/work? IMO, yes.

Can a polyamorous relationship exist/work for me? Probably not.

Can a polyamorous relationship exist/work for me and my fiancee? Highly unlikely.

 

[in4more]

What I am discovering with my situation is that while I really had no desire to pursue another relationship prior to my wife wanting to have this arrangement, I'm finding myself more open to finding another to spend some time with (male or female) that I can share some things with as well. I'm also not so worried if they're attached or not which is probally not good. I don't want to be responsible for breaking up another's relationship.

I probally wouldn't be having these strong feelings if she'd not put me in this position. Guess it's not so much about "getting even" as it is about replacing the sometimes lack of intimacy I'm feeling because she's spending time with him and thinking about him instead of me. Gues it's kind of jealousy, but there's an open place now for someone to fill what she's not giving me so l don't feel guilty about it since she doesn't.

 

[SweetErika]

What I am discovering with my situation is that while I really had no desire to pursue another relationship prior to my wife wanting to have this arrangement, I'm finding myself more open to finding another to spend some time with (male or female) that I can share some things with as well. I'm also not so worried if they're attached or not which is probally not good. I don't want to be responsible for breaking up another's relationship.

I probally wouldn't be having these strong feelings if she'd not put me in this position. Guess it's not so much about "getting even" as it is about replacing the sometimes lack of intimacy I'm feeling because she's spending time with him and thinking about him instead of me. Gues it's kind of jealousy, but there's an open place now for someone to fill what she's not giving me so l don't feel guilty about it since she doesn't.

Have you talked to your wife about your needs/wants not being met?

Secondary relationships usually enrich--rather than detract from--the primary relationship, so if you're feeling something's currently missing in your marriage, I'd suggest addressing and fixing it ASAP (well, provided you want to keep said marriage).

 

[in4more]

Have you talked to your wife about your needs/wants not being met?

Secondary relationships usually enrich--rather than detract from--the primary relationship, so if you're feeling something's currently missing in your marriage, I'd suggest addressing and fixing it ASAP (well, provided you want to keep said marriage).

We've talked about it. She says he gives her an emotional component I haven't been able to and can't. She's not really giving me a chance to figure that one out.

Agreeing to let them see each other again when I know she's got feelings for him that she would have ended up acting on just made my life easier. She's happier and it allows me to explore my situation with greater freedom.

I don't know if we'll last or not. She's happier, I'm not really but I like seeing her happy, so it'll work for now and we'll just have to see where it takes us.