Polyamory

[PhaonsBrother]

This post is funny.

Idea of you playacting as domme is hilarious.

 

[Velia]

My husband and I are polyamorous. I would like to make a few comments, and I will speak from my perspective; however, everything I say, my husband would feel the same.

First of all, if my husband wants to leave me because he had great sex with some other woman, he should go. I don’t want to be married to someone so shallow. On the other hand, if he falls in love with someone else, he should go. I don’t want him hanging around if he loves someone else more than me.

Secondly, we stay married to each other because we want to, not because we have to. I do everything I can to make him want to stay with me, and if I quit acting in that way, then he has every reason to leave. I am always astonished that some of my friends put up with absent, inconsiderate, asshole husbands, but “as soon as he cheats, I’m outta here!” What kind of marriage is that?

Thirdly, my marriage is exceptional, and that may be necessary for polyamory to work. But our marriage is not exceptional because we are super, great people. Our marriage is great because of plain, dumb luck – and we’ll be the first to admit it. Bad luck can ruin anything.

And one last thing. I am not out there screwing every pretty man that comes along. I don’t have orgies; I don’t have sex parties; I don’t make videos for the Internet. I enjoy real, fulfilling relationships that include sex, because sex and love are two very different things.

I love my husband, not because of a piece of paper, but because he shows every day how much he cares for me. It would take a superhuman effort to overcome the love he shows me.

He knows that.

 

[littlebabyclit]

I love people. I really do. I can, in theory, get into polyamory but, people are also trouble. Each person added in comes with a ton of baggage. There are times when I hate people too.

My girl tells me that monogamy makes no sense to her. That having one person be all things to you is crazy. I have to agree. It is crazy. If that is your definition of monogamy you are bound to be disappointed and angry as things don't turn out that way.

However, monogamy works for me personally because I'm too shy and jealous to be sharing my body or my husband's body with anyone else. Maybe if it were uber important to him I would find a way to be okay with it.

The Laurell K. Hamilton idea of big puppy piles of orgies and sleep sounds good to me. If I were less uptight I might go for that.

The Robert A Heinlein idea of matriarch lead group marriage (In The Moon is a Harsh Mistress) also sounds very good to me.

In real life, IDK I can do all that though. Maybe if I'd grown up with the internet I'd think differently.

Sometimes I hate people too and...

If I had grown up with the internet, I'd definitely be living differently than I am now.

 

[littlebabyclit]

I am always astonished that some of my friends put up with absent, inconsiderate, asshole husbands, but “as soon as he cheats, I’m outta here!” What kind of marriage is that?

Holy Christ, I love your entire post but especially this part. That is one amazing point you've made. I envy the marriage and relationship you have with your husband.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

My husband and I are polyamorous. I would like to make a few comments, and I will speak from my perspective; however, everything I say, my husband would feel the same.

First of all, if my husband wants to leave me because he had great sex with some other woman, he should go. I don’t want to be married to someone so shallow. On the other hand, if he falls in love with someone else, he should go. I don’t want him hanging around if he loves someone else more than me.

Secondly, we stay married to each other because we want to, not because we have to. I do everything I can to make him want to stay with me, and if I quit acting in that way, then he has every reason to leave. I am always astonished that some of my friends put up with absent, inconsiderate, asshole husbands, but “as soon as he cheats, I’m outta here!” What kind of marriage is that?

Thirdly, my marriage is exceptional, and that may be necessary for polyamory to work. But our marriage is not exceptional because we are super, great people. Our marriage is great because of plain, dumb luck – and we’ll be the first to admit it. Bad luck can ruin anything.

And one last thing. I am not out there screwing every pretty man that comes along. I don’t have orgies; I don’t have sex parties; I don’t make videos for the Internet. I enjoy real, fulfilling relationships that include sex, because sex and love are two very different things.

I love my husband, not because of a piece of paper, but because he shows every day how much he cares for me. It would take a superhuman effort to overcome the love he shows me.

He knows that.

*standing ovation* THANK YOU!!!!! There is finally someone out there that gets what I'm saying. This is the kind of relationship I was hoping existed out there so I didn't think my husband I were too good to be true. I completely agree with you with everything you said. Bravo.

 

[Bette_coquette]

Idea of you playacting as domme is hilarious.

Oooo, and a psychologist, too!! Squeeeee!!

 

[FurryFury]

Sometimes I hate people too and...

If I had grown up with the internet, I'd definitely be living differently than I am now.

*nodding*

That is absolutely one of the things I envy about teens today!

 

[infinity706]

*standing ovation* THANK YOU!!!!! There is finally someone out there that gets what I'm saying. This is the kind of relationship I was hoping existed out there so I didn't think my husband I were too good to be true. I completely agree with you with everything you said. Bravo.

Of course, it's not too good to be true. I have such a relationship with 4 different people at the moment. We can be good friends and sex partners even though I don't live with any of them. On top of that, they're all old enough to be my parents. I didn't plan it that way or have any particular. They just happen to be people that have been through enough shit to realize that good relationships are based on being friends, not rediculous promises. People keep asking me when I'm going to settle down, get married, and have kids, but why the fuck would I? I can have all the perks of a marriage other than the legal ones and I can adopt a few kids for a few hours, anytime I want. Hell, I can even pass an STD test after sex with hundreds of people.

 

[SweetErika]

Of course, it's not too good to be true. I have such a relationship with 4 different people at the moment. We can be good friends and sex partners even though I don't live with any of them.

With all due respect, living with someone and marriage are different than dating and FWB, so you really can't compare the two.

Hell, I can even pass an STD test after sex with hundreds of people.

Yeah, for what you're actually tested for. Chances are, you're an HPV carrier.

 

[infinity706]

I wouldn't say marriage is different. I know married people that don't actually live together. They maintain their own houses because they get along far better when they don't live in the same house. People should just do whatever works and tell convention to go fuck itself.

Most likely, I was born an HPV carrier. It's so rampant here (to the point if you have unprotected sex with even one person, you probably have it) that they don't even bother worrying about it. I've also had oral herpes my whole life. I can't prevent things that I had zero control over.

 

[SweetErika]

I wouldn't say marriage is different. I know married people that don't actually live together. They maintain their own houses because they get along far better when they don't live in the same house. People should just do whatever works and tell convention to go fuck itself.

My point was that "FWB = Marriage or living together" is false in most cases. Sure, some married people are no more than FWB because they don't know each other well enough or whatever, but you can't really say you've experienced what amounts to marriage when you haven't experienced anything more than friendship.

Most likely, I was born an HPV carrier. It's so rampant here (to the point if you have unprotected sex with even one person, you probably have it) that they don't even bother worrying about it. I've also had oral herpes my whole life. I can't prevent things that I had zero control over.

No, you probably weren't born with HPV. Google 'HPV childbirth' for more info.

You can't turn back the clock, but you can tell potential partners that you have oral herpes and almost certainly HPV, given the number of partners you've had.

 

[infinity706]

I do tell the more responsible ones about HPV and the oral herpes thing. If I have to insist on condoms, though, it's not really worth the effort.

 

[infinity706]

I really have to wonder what else I could be missing out on as far as 'marriage perks' when I think about it, though. I've lived with friends. I just haven't ever fucked any of the ones I've lived with and racked up dozens of years of close friendship experience. (well, it's not difficult when the can run concurrently) I've also had sex with more people than probably all the how to regulars combined, spanning from 20s to 80s with both men and women of most races, backgrounds, and social statuses. Not only that, I've managed to almost totally sidestep all the perils like getting cheated on, assaults, drama, loss of self esteem, addictions, etc. I've gotten to experience the bullshit second hand from all the stories and first person observations, though.

 

[Velia]

Holy Christ, I love your entire post but especially this part. That is one amazing point you've made. I envy the marriage and relationship you have with your husband.

Thank you. And thank you, GrnEyedGrl.

Michael and I have been very lucky. We know other couples who work just as hard at their marriages, but they are simply different people and they don't fit together very well. I don't think there was any way they could have known that back when they got married. Life just isn't fair. I wish it were.

 

[pplwatching]

I really have to wonder what else I could be missing out on as far as 'marriage perks' when I think about it, though. I've lived with friends. I just haven't ever fucked any of the ones I've lived with and racked up dozens of years of close friendship experience. (well, it's not difficult when the can run concurrently) I've also had sex with more people than probably all the how to regulars combined, spanning from 20s to 80s with both men and women of most races, backgrounds, and social statuses. Not only that, I've managed to almost totally sidestep all the perils like getting cheated on, assaults, drama, loss of self esteem, addictions, etc. I've gotten to experience the bullshit second hand from all the stories and first person observations, though.

Shallow commitments are always easy. If marriage was "For better, for richer, in health, and as long as the sex is good" it wouldn't be a commitment at all. The 'second hand bullshit' that you take comfort in having sidestepped is much more subtle and complex than your broad brush stroke paints. Experiencing it second hand doesn't really say anything about living it and learning from it.

The most amazing thing about marriage is that it's what we put into it that matters most. In healthy marriages we make the unconditional commitment to help our spouses grow as individuals, raise families, overcome obstacles, survive hardships, and yes to help them face their demons with dignity. When our partner makes the same commitment and effort then we both reap the benefits, including great sex. 'Marriage perks' are the fruits of our own efforts as much as those of our spouse. I would venture to say that the physical aspects of sex that you've enjoyed don't hold a candle to sex in the context of a deep emotional connection and history of shared commitment. But that's just my experience. YMMV.

If I may paraphrase other posters; healthy poly relationships are not about sex per-se. They are about building that same kind of intimate, nurturing, and supportive personal relationship with more than one lover. Good ones are much more complex than just multiple shallow sexual partnerships, in spite of the textbook definition.

As for me, I doubt that I have the energy to commit myself that deeply to more than one person. I would be terrified of dividing myself and my commitment between them, rather than giving myself completely to each of them. That probably makes me a bad candidate for a poly relationship.

 

[infinity706]

I've had all those things involved, though. I've helped partners through depression, injuries, deaths, drug addictions, and all kinds of shit. I wouldn't say it's that shallow. There's also been plenty of sexual problems.

 

[Firebrain]

I've had all those things involved, though. I've helped partners through depression, injuries, deaths, drug addictions, and all kinds of shit. I wouldn't say it's that shallow. There's also been plenty of sexual problems.

Also, the sky is green.

 

[squarejohn]

It might work, say, for a weekend.

Setting up house is opening a can of worms. Sure, there are obvious bumps in the road such as envy and jealousy. But it's the little things that get you.

What brand of toothpaste will all agree to use? Or bath soap, or shampoo? Let's not forget brand of toilet paper. Who does the laundry and the dishes, not to mention cooking? Will you have a household with three computers, three TVs? What about compatibility of pets? Is the water heater large enough to handle three or more showers? Is there enough closet space for everyone?

Just a few thoughts.

 

[Rumorhasit13]

Honestly the experiences I had with polyamory were not very positive at all. In the first place, it was somewhat forced on me.. basically my ex had said, "Accept that I'm poly or we're through." Accepting it meant that I would allow her to let another person into our life (even if via long-distance).. and I had no real say in it if I wanted to stay with her. As a result of my general weakness for her requests, I allowed it to happen. *shrugs* And we broke up about three months after.

Now.. mind you this isn't what polyamory should be, and is practically an example of one SHOULDN'T do if they want to be in a poly relationship.. True poly I imagine is much better..

 

[SweetErika]

Honestly the experiences I had with polyamory were not very positive at all. In the first place, it was somewhat forced on me.. basically my ex had said, "Accept that I'm poly or we're through." Accepting it meant that I would allow her to let another person into our life (even if via long-distance).. and I had no real say in it if I wanted to stay with her. As a result of my general weakness for her requests, I allowed it to happen. *shrugs* And we broke up about three months after.

Now.. mind you this isn't what polyamory should be, and is practically an example of one SHOULDN'T do if they want to be in a poly relationship.. True poly I imagine is much better..

The bold statements seem discordant to me. Did she force it on you, or did you agree to it? If you agreed to it even if it wasn't something you were okay with, you really can't blame your ex or be surprised the relationship didn't work out, can you?

At any rate, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience and it sounds like you learned a valuable lesson regarding staying in relationships that aren't working for you. If you're ever in a similar situation, you'll probably go for the 'leave me' option.

And FWIW, I don't know a single couple that's still together after being in the same situation. It's one of the reasons why I refuse to agree to things I'm truly not okay with in my own relationships - doing so is just asking for trouble. I try not to completely shoot down any proposals; instead, I ask for a deferment while I work on becoming okay with the activity and/or find some suitable compromises.

 

[coastal-boy]

And FWIW, I don't know a single couple that's still together after being in the same situation. It's one of the reasons why I refuse to agree to things I'm truly not okay with in my own relationships - doing so is just asking for trouble. I try not to completely shoot down any proposals; instead, I ask for a deferment while I work on becoming okay with the activity and/or find some suitable compromises.

I liked this. The proper place, the proper time, the proper people...who knows what would happen?

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

It might work, say, for a weekend.

Setting up house is opening a can of worms. Sure, there are obvious bumps in the road such as envy and jealousy. But it's the little things that get you.

What brand of toothpaste will all agree to use? Or bath soap, or shampoo? Let's not forget brand of toilet paper. Who does the laundry and the dishes, not to mention cooking? Will you have a household with three computers, three TVs? What about compatibility of pets? Is the water heater large enough to handle three or more showers? Is there enough closet space for everyone?

Just a few thoughts.

I think this is a lot of what is wrong with this subject and more specifically this thread. Who said anything about "setting up house" I did not say POLYGAMY, which is a man actually taking multiple wives and them living under the same roof. I said POLYAMORY. Which is allowing yourself the ability to love multiple people. I love a lot of different people in a lot of different ways and don't have to agree with them on preference of toothpaste. Come on now. People need to actually read the thread before putting in their two cents.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

Here is a definition for all of those who can't seem to comprehend...

Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

And more definitions....

Polyamory, Polyamorous. The core concept of polyamory is being involved in or open to multiple loving relationships, in a context of honesty and negotiation. The word roots are poly = multiple, and amor = love (specifically the sexual/romantic kind of love). Not in the roots but very important is the commitment to honesty with all partners, and openly negotiated ground rules. The term was coined in the early 80's by Morning Glory and Oberon Zell.

Monogamy, Monogamous. The core concept of monogamy as used today is of exactly two people in a sexually and romantically exclusive relationship. This relationship is substantially based on exchanged promises of sexual exclusivity - whether or not these promises are kept. A common form today is "serial monogamy", wherein there may be multiple monogamous relationships over time, but the participants are supposed to have no more than one partner at a time.

Polygamy, Polygyny, Polyandry. These are anthropological terms, not much used within the poly movement. They refer respectively to multiple marriages in general, marriages of multiple women to one man, and of multiple men to one woman. Polygyny has been much more common among world cultures than polyandry, and many non-anthropologists have used polygamy to refer mainly to polygyny, for example among the Mormons. These have mainly referred to marriages recognized by the culture in question. Consider these terms background info, but not very useful in today's poly subculture.

Polyfidelity. A form of polyamory involving a closed group marriage (or marriage-like relationship), in which all adult members are considered primary to each other. Coined in the late 70's by Kerista community, which also included the concept that all adults of compatible sexual orientations ould be sexual with each other, an attribute sometime omitted by others dentifying as polyfidelitous.

Now that we all understand the definitions....please let the educated discussion continue...

 

[Rumorhasit13]

The bold statements seem discordant to me. Did she force it on you, or did you agree to it? If you agreed to it even if it wasn't something you were okay with, you really can't blame your ex or be surprised the relationship didn't work out, can you?

At any rate, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience and it sounds like you learned a valuable lesson regarding staying in relationships that aren't working for you. If you're ever in a similar situation, you'll probably go for the 'leave me' option.

And FWIW, I don't know a single couple that's still together after being in the same situation. It's one of the reasons why I refuse to agree to things I'm truly not okay with in my own relationships - doing so is just asking for trouble. I try not to completely shoot down any proposals; instead, I ask for a deferment while I work on becoming okay with the activity and/or find some suitable compromises.

What I mean to say, is that it was coerced by either do this or we are ended. Because I wanted to stay with her and loved her, I did what was against my better nature by allowing it, though she knew it was hurting me. I was very open about how I felt but it was the choice between doing what she wanted or not having her at all. I consider that forced.. Because of my general weakness for her, I did it to so she would not leave me. In hindsight, the fact that she would give me an ultimatum as such should have been my answer to leave her. I regret, I did not.