Polyamory

[the captians wench]

This is part of the problem "v" has. she worries that she is not filling some niche, and that she is failing me somehow if I display interest in some other woman.

I'm male. I'm looking at some "fine sexy hot piece of meat lookin gal" (to borrow a phrase from Fishbone), and thinking how I'd like to get a taste. She's wondering what said gal has that she doesn't. She then feels inadequate. Not sure how to handle that, honestly, especially as she tends towards feelings of inadequacy even without external impetus.

This has popped up in my life from time to time as well. For a long time it was me with the inadequacy issues, especially when I was with a guy who pretty much looked at me as a play toy on the side. I remember many a night laying in bed long after he had left and thinking "what is it about me that makes me a side item and not perminate?".

I never thought I could servive a relationship where I had to share my partner. My husband wanted to open up our marriage, I told him if he wanted to fuck other girls to go ahead, but he wouldn't be coming home to me. I guess I really just fell into this. I never wanted to be part of a group, but now I can't see myself parting with any of them. They are a huge part of my life, and I love them dearly.

It's funny how we change and evolve. I've come to the conclustion I'm not going to fight change any more. things happen for a reason, and so far things have worked out pretty well.

 

[nh23]

Many thanks to Netzach and Rida for sharing

 

[intothewoods]

I find this works this way for me, it just creates a really charged atmosphere. It also ups the ante that the men I'm with are sexually attracted and have sexual tensions among themselves!

Hawt! The closest I've heard from Mister Man is, well, it would be kinda hot if a guy were fucking you while I suck you off. I say, oh yeah, and then you reach around and...and then I lose him. But I have hope! Come on, everyone is part queer, aren't they? Lol. Can't blame a girl for trying.

 

[intothewoods]

For all of my talk, I'm basically with Cat, and for me, the dividing line is kids. I just can't imagine balancing all that with little ones around. I don't think kids really want to know that their parents fool around with all of those people, and as they get older, it gets harder to hide. For me, ecstaticsub's scenario seems the most doable in a household with kids. Although I wonder if you ever feel like you give off a vibe of secrecy, etc.

Just thinking aloud here. I don't mean to offend. I know those of you who post in this thread are good people.

 

[the captians wench]

For all of my talk, I'm basically with Cat, and for me, the dividing line is kids. I just can't imagine balancing all that with little ones around. I don't think kids really want to know that their parents fool around with all of those people, and as they get older, it gets harder to hide. For me, ecstaticsub's scenario seems the most doable in a household with kids. Although I wonder if you ever feel like you give off a vibe of secrecy, etc.

Just thinking aloud here. I don't mean to offend. I know those of you who post in this thread are good people.

I guess I have a hard time understanding this because my mom and I are so open with each other. I just always imagine if and when I ever have kids, we'd be the same way.

my mom has met every one that I am involved with, and she likes them and aproves of them, mainly because they make me so happy. I personally have no problems taking them to my family get togethers (mom likes to see her parent's eyes bug out *giggles*). Now I realize that I won't be involved with their family, and that's fine with me, not everyone is as understanding as my family (or at least pretends to be). Mom and I were joking last night how I could pretty much do anything and still be looked at as the protical child. 3 boyfriends, one married, one in ireland, and a new one oh yeah and legally I'm still married as well and I'm still looked at as being better than any of the other grandchildren and having things more together. reasoning here is at least I haven't gotten knocked up, and I am able to suport myself. But my family is totally self obsorbed anyway.

I've been thinking a lot about missing holidays with those who are most important to me. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm not feeling christmas this year, or if I really am okay with being apart from them. I think the holiday it's self means less to me than just spending the time together, I haven't had a lot of time to give lately so I want to be with them period, not just because it's a holiday.

This is just a strange holiday in general. I'm just not feeling it.

 

[EmpressFi]

Although I wonder if you ever feel like you give off a vibe of secrecy, etc.

Just thinking aloud here. I don't mean to offend. I know those of you who post in this thread are good people.

No offense taken. I'd have to say that yes, I give off a vibe of secrecy, and I hate lying to people. From the casual mention of Master in every day conversation and reminding myself to call him "my friend", to trying to explain to my inlaws why either Malin or myself is out of town or unable to go to a family gathering (in the case of someone visiting here). Even something as benign as my wearing a Tshirt with the state where Master lives written on it. I didnt think anything of it, but one of our friend's noticed and said, "You're not from there... what's with the shirt?"

 

[the captians wench]

No offense taken. I'd have to say that yes, I give off a vibe of secrecy, and I hate lying to people. From the casual mention of Master in every day conversation and reminding myself to call him "my friend", to trying to explain to my inlaws why either Malin or myself is out of town or unable to go to a family gathering (in the case of someone visiting here). Even something as benign as my wearing a Tshirt with the state where Master lives written on it. I didnt think anything of it, but one of our friend's noticed and said, "You're not from there... what's with the shirt?"

it's moments like this when I wonder if I'm a little too open about myself, or maybe I don't have as much "at stake" as others do.

I really don't care who knows if I'm banging another woman's husband. The part that gets me is when they freak out not because I am seeing a married man, but because OMG his wife knows and is okay with it! If I'm sneaking around with him and lieing then everything is okay, but once people know she's cool with it and he tells her, and I tell them when I date other people, all of a sudden it's sick and wrong. go figure

 

[ecstaticsub]

For all of my talk, I'm basically with Cat, and for me, the dividing line is kids. I just can't imagine balancing all that with little ones around. I don't think kids really want to know that their parents fool around with all of those people, and as they get older, it gets harder to hide. For me, ecstaticsub's scenario seems the most doable in a household with kids. Although I wonder if you ever feel like you give off a vibe of secrecy, etc.

Just thinking aloud here. I don't mean to offend. I know those of you who post in this thread are good people.

My kids are in middle school. I never talk to my Dom while they are awake and home. It is always when they are in school or very late at night after they are asleep. When I go to visit him it is a "business trip". My children know that my husband and I have sex. They know that when he and I disappear to our room on a weekend afternoon they are not to disturb us. In general we teach them that sex is part of an adult's life. I really think that they are so secure that hubby and I love each other that any "vibe" given off would be taken as a secret between he and I.

 

[nh23]

For all of my talk, I'm basically with Cat, and for me, the dividing line is kids. I just can't imagine balancing all that with little ones around. I don't think kids really want to know that their parents fool around with all of those people, and as they get older, it gets harder to hide. For me, ecstaticsub's scenario seems the most doable in a household with kids. Although I wonder if you ever feel like you give off a vibe of secrecy, etc.

Just thinking aloud here. I don't mean to offend. I know those of you who post in this thread are good people.

No offense taken here either. My children are really young right now as I said, but I hope to have a very open relationship with them. Not open in the sense that they know mommy is banging this person or that person..just open as in they can talk to me and I can talk to them about all aspects of sexuality. It's pretty much the same situation for me and my family as it is for you and your son. He knows that you are dating someone (or will if it gets serious) but you don't go into details about what happens in the bedroom. Nor do I or would I discuss details of my sex life with my children. But, I want to bring them up to be accepting of all different types of sexuality and different types of people.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

This is part of the problem "v" has. she worries that she is not filling some niche, and that she is failing me somehow if I display interest in some other woman.

I'm male. I'm looking at some "fine sexy hot piece of meat lookin gal" (to borrow a phrase from Fishbone), and thinking how I'd like to get a taste. She's wondering what said gal has that she doesn't. She then feels inadequate. Not sure how to handle that, honestly, especially as she tends towards feelings of inadequacy even without external impetus.

I can relate to how 'v' feels but I can relate because my husband ignores me, but showers attention on other women. If I knew that he could adequately divide his love and attention and remember that I come first since I am his wife, I wouldn't have a problem with him being poly.

I on the other hand, am actively exploring my poly side. I have a man that I adore and share many levels of an intense (and wonderful) relationship with and I still shower my husband with attention even while he continues to ignore me. Where one makes me feel inadequate, the other makes me feel like a Goddess.

I'd like to say that one is filling the void for the other, but that's not true. I'm crazy about both of them and even if hubby suddenly woke up and decided to pay attention to me, I wouldn't give up the other because he is who he is in my life all on his own.

And I have to agree with Nicole, the heart has enough love to spread around. If only people could see that, there would be less of the problems in our society than there are because we would all be taking care of and loving those that needed love and support in their lives, thus making the world a better place.

 

[EmpressFi]

it's moments like this when I wonder if I'm a little too open about myself, or maybe I don't have as much "at stake" as others do.

I really don't care who knows if I'm banging another woman's husband. The part that gets me is when they freak out not because I am seeing a married man, but because OMG his wife knows and is okay with it! If I'm sneaking around with him and lieing then everything is okay, but once people know she's cool with it and he tells her, and I tell them when I date other people, all of a sudden it's sick and wrong. go figure

a lot of my friends know about my friend <insert name here> and where he lives and how we met. They're used to Malin and I meeting friends over the internet, it's how WE met and something we've always done (had friends visit whom we've met on the internet), I just tend to leave a few things out.

 

[nh23]

No offense taken. I'd have to say that yes, I give off a vibe of secrecy, and I hate lying to people. From the casual mention of Master in every day conversation and reminding myself to call him "my friend", to trying to explain to my inlaws why either Malin or myself is out of town or unable to go to a family gathering (in the case of someone visiting here). Even something as benign as my wearing a Tshirt with the state where Master lives written on it. I didnt think anything of it, but one of our friend's noticed and said, "You're not from there... what's with the shirt?"

I'm very lucky in that aspect. My mother, and most of my family are aware that my husband and I are poly. The only friends I have are those who don't make judgments about the way I live my life, so I'm lucky there too. I don't really have to hide anything from the people I'm close to.

 

[nh23]

I just want to thank everyone for their replies! I'm so happy at how this thread is turning out! I think it will be helpful for anyone new to the poly lifestyle, and helpful to those of us who have been doing it for a minute.

 

[ecstaticsub]

The only person who knows outside of my husband is my sister. It would not be good at all for my husband's career for it to be open. It is just a fact of life.

My Dom has a best friend who knows all about me and a few other friends who have met me. But other than that I am his little secret.

I am horrible at telling lies but since telling our extended families or friends is more trouble than it is worth.

 

[EmpressFi]

Master and I have a few shared friends who know. His boss and his girlfriend also know. He checks in with them when he travels here and I check in with Malin when I travel there.

I would love it if we had others in the family who did know.. but Malin's mother and my brother would probably try to have us put away... (my brother didnt speak to my other brother for over a year because he voted democrat... just to give you an idea)

I would tell everyone, if I could. I'm very proud of who I am, of loving this man. He knows that not everyone would be as accepting as those we have told and is afraid that the other mutual friends we have would think less of me if they knew..

some day though.. I have faith that there will be a time and place for us to be open to everyone..

 

[Bi_Kitty]

The only friends I have are those who don't make judgments about the way I live my life, so I'm lucky there too. I don't really have to hide anything from the people I'm close to.

I wish I had more people in my life that wasn't so damn judgement.

 

[BiBunny]

I wish I had more people in my life that wasn't so damn judgement.

See, I'm enough of a bitch that I don't give a shit about other people being judgmental. I don't have anyone to answer to other than myself, really. I don't hide who I am, but I don't broadcast it, either. If you ask me stupid, tacky questions, you get brutally honest, unabashed answers. If you don't like it, that's what you get for asking a question that was none of your business in the first place.

I am who I am. I won't change just because some asshat who means nothing to me thinks the way I live my life is wrong.

 

[Homburg]

I would also say if she has any reservations at all they have to be worked out before attempting a poly relationship, and if it's not something she can live with, not to do it at all. All parties have to be comfortable in doing it, or it will lead to trouble and hurt feelings. If it's not in her to be poly that's ok, it's not for everyone. And no one should enter into a poly relationship just to make the other partner happy..it'll never work out in the long run.

That's my thinking too. the previous situation was painful for that exact reason. It was unplanned, so it was poorly communicated. In short, I handled it in a crap way. Live and learn.

 

[Bi_Kitty]

See, I'm enough of a bitch that I don't give a shit about other people being judgmental. I don't have anyone to answer to other than myself, really. I don't hide who I am, but I don't broadcast it, either. If you ask me stupid, tacky questions, you get brutally honest, unabashed answers. If you don't like it, that's what you get for asking a question that was none of your business in the first place.

I am who I am. I won't change just because some asshat who means nothing to me thinks the way I live my life is wrong.

Ight, BITCH! But wouldn't it be nice to tell whomever when we decide to go whatever without making up stories and only telling one person the truth?

 

[BiBunny]

Ight, BITCH! But wouldn't it be nice to tell whomever when we decide to go whatever without making up stories and only telling one person the truth?

Yeah, I know. But I've always been one of those people who played my cards close to my chest, anyway. I tell people things they need to know. If they don't need to know it, I don't tell them, LOL. Of course, you already know that. I'm just a private person. I like other private people who mind their own fucking business (unlike our neighbor and landlady ).

 

[Bi_Kitty]

I like other private people who mind their own fucking business (unlike our neighbor and landlady ).

AMEN!

 

[EmpressFi]

I am who I am. I won't change just because some asshat who means nothing to me thinks the way I live my life is wrong.

And what do you say to someone who ISNT an asshat and DOESNT mean nothing to you... are you still brutally honest and unabashed? Are you still enough of a bitch that it doesnt stop you from being so abrupt ?

The people on the other board we're all on.. I could care less if they found out..I could care less if they thought I was a whore, or that Malin and I were fucked up. But the ones who love me dont want others to think of me that way. So out of respect for them I dont broadcast it.

It is also out of love and respect for my family members, whom I know wouldnt be able to handle it, that I dont share it with them either. In their case, it's not about me being dishonest about it. I admit, it's purely selfish on my part. I spent a good year with my brother not talking to me because I divorced my first husband. My ex told him about my affairs and my brother couldnt handle it. I dont want to lose him again and THIS.. he just couldnt accept. Malin's mom is the same way. This is one thing she just couldnt accept and I dont want to lose my family.

 

[BiBunny]

And what do you say to someone who ISNT an asshat and DOESNT mean nothing to you... are you still brutally honest and unabashed? Are you still enough of a bitch that it doesnt stop you from being so abrupt ?

The people on the other board we're all on.. I could care less if they found out..I could care less if they thought I was a whore, or that Malin and I were fucked up. But the ones who love me dont want others to think of me that way. So out of respect for them I dont broadcast it.

It is also out of love and respect for my family members, whom I know wouldnt be able to handle it, that I dont share it with them either. In their case, it's not about me being dishonest about it. I admit, it's purely selfish on my part. I spent a good year with my brother not talking to me because I divorced my first husband. My ex told him about my affairs and my brother couldnt handle it. I dont want to lose him again and THIS.. he just couldnt accept. Malin's mom is the same way. This is one thing she just couldnt accept and I dont want to lose my family.

I don't have a good answer for this. I guess I have a hard time believing that people actually discuss their personal lives with their family. In my family, we do not. I can't relate to all the threads I see here about "How do I tell my family I'm submissive or a lesbian or poly or whatever?" In my family, our personal lives are just that: our personal lives. I don't ask my mother or aunt or whoever what they do in their bedrooms, so why in the world would they be interested in what I do in mine?

My friends know about what I choose to do because we all discuss our personal lives, since that's what college women do in their spare time, apparently. Some know more than others, but those who know the most are the ones who've asked me questions. I don't run around spilling my secrets to anyone with ears. I just don't feel the need to hide who I am if someone needs to know so badly that they question me about it.

And if you go back and read what I said, I said that I'm an abrupt bitch if someone asks me something that's none of their damned business to start with. Ask a tacky question; get a tacky answer. People who know me know that about me. People who don't...well, they learn soon enough.

 

[EmpressFi]

Ever since Malin's mother asked him to ask me to be quieter during sex because we were keeping them awake at night, I've known that their family was different. Not saying we sit down and talk about sex, but it's not taboo either. If the question comes to her mind, the question is asked.

My sister in law and I used to shop for sex toys together, until my brother told her that he didnt need to think about his "baby sister" that way. My other brother and I talked about it a lot actually, since our marriages were breaking up at the same time.

Just the differences in families. We're just like that.

 

[Homburg]

Since we were outed to my parents by The Stupid Cunt, my mother has learned to Not Ask Questions. She knows that there are things that she does not want to know. I prefer it that way, even if she does occassionally make off comments to "v". Her parents are still clueless, and I am happy to keep them that way.

Certain friends know. The rest of them suspect, and have enough knowledge to know that we're freaky.

Not a one of them has ever said a cross or judgemental word about it to me. Wimps