Polyamory

[Guest]

Having rules that you follow- that has to be a given, in any relationship- or nothing works...
I see a lot of abusive marriages of every sort, you know. Monogamous or non- the details are different, the methods are the same; "My rules for me, not for you"

It's true. I've been in abusive relationships before (ah, the idiocy of youth!) and I've seen enough of them to know the signs now. Of the poly relationship I was in, rules following was the reason it disolved -- we'd agreed that should any one of us feel left out, experience jealousy, or otherwise feel powerless in the relationship, I would leave and let the married partners work on things for themselves (I was the third in that case). When I saw it, I got out, and that was it. I maintained friendships with them both for a long while, (they came to my wedding) although their own marriage didn't make it (they both had other partners and lost the thread of their marriage).

I don't say polyamory CAN'T work. I do say that there is a lot stacked against it. Then again, there are problems with ANY relationship that can cause it to blow up.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yep, and that's another moral issue- the third person is the one that gets dumped, regardless of how they feel about it.
I don't know that I ever hurt one of my lovers in that way- I think I always made it clear that the relationship was palyful and sexual and not binding on them or me. And sometimes, that was an extra benefit for them- Several women used me as a rebound mattress, so to speak, someone safe to be with for a while untill they had their legs back under them after a breakup.
There was one woman who tried to break up me and my hubby- she was a pretty destructive person. She used me to break up her own relationship- and dammed if she didn't have such a sexual hold over me that it threw my family into turmoil for a couple of months. And then she dumped me. That was a "sadder but wiser" experience for me, let me tell you!
We recently made contact again. She's been with the same woman for nine or ten years, and is happy and sucessful, and I'm happy for her. And I can't remember what made her slave, anymore- the attraction seems to have vanished entirely...
funny old world, ain't it?

 

[BlackShanglan]

Having rules that you follow- that has to be a given, in any relationship- or nothing works...
I see a lot of abusive marriages of every sort, you know. Monogamous or non- the details are different, the methods are the same; "My rules for me, not for you"

Yes. I think that's very much the heart of it. It's interesting how people will put themselves in that position, though, as Malachiteink's example illustrates. I've seen that several times too - "polyamoury" being used to dress up a philosophy that at heart was really "I'm going to screw around because I know you'll let me do that rather than lose me, even if you hate it." I do think that personal responsibility enters into the debate; people have a responsibility to themselves not to remain in situations like that. But I think it is also unethical and cruel to exploit such a situation without regard for the damage being done the other partner.

Your arrangement is interesting to me, Stella. I've heard some people describe polyamoury as a sort of communistic living style - everyone loves everyone. Yours seems more like shaped on a model of a single core emotional relationship with tertiary relationships that are more short-lived and less demanding in terms of commitment. That seems to me actually more likely to work than the "free love" model, although I think that personally I lack the organizational skills to keep up with it.

Shanglan

 

[matriarch]

I know its not quite the same, but if anyone's interested:

The Biography Channel
Investigative Reports

“Inside Polygamy.”
Monday, March 20 @ 9 pm ET

Running Time: 120 Minutes

A 2-hour probe of the secretive world of Mormon polygamy in Utah, where an estimated 30,000-50,000 people live in polygamous relationships. Features a profile of the 1,500-member Kingston family, which forces its girls to marry within the family between the ages of 14-16 and have a baby every year.

 

[Guest]

I know its not quite the same, but if anyone's interested:

The Biography Channel
Investigative Reports

“Inside Polygamy.”
Monday, March 20 @ 9 pm ET

Running Time: 120 Minutes

A 2-hour probe of the secretive world of Mormon polygamy in Utah, where an estimated 30,000-50,000 people live in polygamous relationships. Features a profile of the 1,500-member Kingston family, which forces its girls to marry within the family between the ages of 14-16 and have a baby every year.

Thus I am glad I walked away from the LDS Church when I was 21....eeek! I mean YEEEK!

Thanks for the headsup, Matriarch!

 

[matriarch]

Thus I am glad I walked away from the LDS Church when I was 21....eeek! I mean YEEEK!

Thanks for the headsup, Matriarch!

You're welcome. Please, call me Mat. Everyone else does. We won't say what else they call me.

 

[BlackShanglan]

We won't say what else they call me.

Hmmm.

Ducky?

 

[Anniejustagirl]

Interesting site for sure.
Something that I'm trying to figure out- I get that polyamory is basically like a group relationship, right? But what is it if one person loves multiple people individually?

Me and my guy have been together coming up thirty years. thirty! And in that time, we've been mostly polyamorous. More often it's been me, and several times I've gotten so involved with someone that he's asked me to stop- I've never asked him to quite seeing someone. For the most part, the partners we find are the type of people that actually like and respect our other half. We have long-term friendships with three of these folks, who came into our lives as casual sexual partners!
At this time, we are monogamous, which is why you see me flirting so much here online. It's one of those "me" things- I wouldn't kid you. Without the release and the input from multiple encounters, I -honestly- really- feel unfulfilled, unimaginative, dull and listless. Not good for anyone. I don't know if it's an absolute part of me, or the result of a lifetime's habit, but I don't see how it would change.

Rules do need to be in place and obviously have to be adhered to by all parties involved... otherwise it's deception and so unhealthy... i've never understood those situations.

My experience has been much more similar to Stella's, i believe. Rather than a group living situation... it's more about being in love seems to create a greater capacity in me To love on many levels. I find the needs that i have are ridiculous to expect to receive from one person and i have been fortunate enough in the past to find partners that agree with me on that point. Open communication IS the key. Honesty and keeping all situations in the open. Even sharing details back and forth has done nothing but enhance my relationships. I've been very lucky in that and it seems to be getting easier as i get older... weed out the jealous unhealthy folks much more quickly. Jealousy would kill any potential good or success.

I have also found that with the net.... poly Seems to work well for a lot of the women that i encounter. It's fullfilling without having to give up home towns and connections there and still affords brain connection times and gives new and vibrant meaning to road trips.

 

[matriarch]

Hmmm.

Ducky?

Wrong creature.

 

[CharleyH]

We won't say what else they call me.

Dyke?

Hi Mat.

 

[australwind]

Having explored the nature of polyamoury a little, it sems to me that most of the posts here are about the physical expression of love..... polyamoury is about loving more than one ....that love may not necessarily be expressed in a physical manner at all.

In my experience, it is about recognising that not every "need" is fulfilled by your primary partner. It is not about cheating, or "having your cake and eating it too". It is about recognising that it is possible to feel deep love and affection for more than one person at the same time. It does not necessarily follow that this love would be expressed in a physical way.

I love my SO deeply and dearly ..... I am committed to a future together. We both recognise and acknowledge that neither of us can be everything to each other. We respect each others choice to find fulfilment of specific needs in another and revel in the enhancment it offers to us both.

There are no secrets, no threats, no imbalances ..... it has taken us a long time to get to this point but the key is honesty, openness and truth in all matters between us.

Friends have looked on from the sidelines and have wondered out loud about the "strangeness" of our relationship. It works for us. What more can I say?

 

[CharleyH]

I've been meaning to start this thread for a few days but kept forgetting (thanks to Stella's blog pun for reminding me!).
Thoughts on polyamory? Real life experiences?

I've never given it much thought, mainly because I find it very difficult to love even one person, let alone more than one. That said, I'm increasingly intrigued by the idea of it, and would love to hear from the more knowledgable.

I have had friends to console in their "polyamourous" relationships. It really means one person does not want to get rid of their lovers and all the rest suffer ... so far as I have viewed to the detriment of others. Poly amoury is like a spider in the centre of their web. Wants to fuck around and too afraid to say it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I have known some polyamorous realtionships that were more than what I've described for myself. One was a triad, back in my formative years- one wife, two husbands. It was rather nice when her second son was born, the father being the "second" husband- the one that the law didn't recognise. The two men arrived at the hospital, which would only allow one man in- "the father and husband". One man said; "I'm the father" and the other said "And I'm the husband" and the flummoxed nurses let them both in The triad lasted perhaps eight years or more- maybe many more, and ceratainly as long as many conventional marriages last. The woman is still with the second man. The older brother recently got married, the first husband was there, it was a very happy extended family.

In the eighties, we knew another triad, this one was two wives, one husband. I know very few details about their dynamics- except one day the man was at my house, and I was washing dishes. I handed him the drying towel. He said; "They used to want me to wash dishes- but I keep dropping them, so they don't make me do that anymore" Clever man!

There was one woman, mostly my husband's girlfriend, that we came very close to proposing to She wanted to keep her independance, though.

 

[Belegon]

It is about recognising that it is possible to feel deep love and affection for more than one person at the same time. It does not necessarily follow that this love would be expressed in a physical way.

This hits very close and dear to my heart.

I have never been in a truly polyamorous comitted relationship...so far. I have found an immense amount of resistance, largely from people who assume I am trying to have that "cake and eat it too" thing.

I also have found a great deal of resistance to the idea that I do not feel physical jealousy...to the point where my statements to the nature of jealousy are dismissed as my being in denial, or hiding something from others...or even my not actually caring enough.

I chose not to attempt to place limits on my love and to recognize that a situation may occur when I have to make a horrible choice, rather than making the horrible choice to begin with and erasing any possibility that I might never have to make it.

Call me in denial if you must, but I reserve the right to call you wrong.

 

[CharleyH]

There was one woman, mostly my husband's girlfriend, that we came very close to proposing to She wanted to keep her independance, though.

The polyamourous slut! Maybe polyamoury is merely a word to offset the concept of slut? Do chicks have the power of manipulation or what!

 

[impressive]

The polyamourous slut! Maybe polyamoury is merely a word to offset the concept of slut? Do chicks have the power of manipulation or what!

-amoury <> manipulation ... regardless of the mixture.

 

[australwind]

This hits very close and dear to my heart.

I have never been in a truly polyamorous comitted relationship...so far. I have found an immense amount of resistance, largely from people who assume I am trying to have that "cake and eat it too" thing.

The time will come ..... and what others think will not be of concern or a handicap to the happiness of your partners and yourself.

 

[espeteroh]

I doubt this is what the polyamory society means but I love many women but believe I can be in love with only one.

 

[impressive]

I doubt this is what the polyamory society mean but I love many women but believe I can be in love with only one.

By conventional interpretations of love versus "in love," I have not found this to be true for me.

 

[espeteroh]

By conventional interpretations of love versus "in love," I have not found this to be true for me.

so you can be in love with more than one? how do you do that? just curious

 

[Belegon]

By conventional interpretations of love versus "in love," I have not found this to be true for me.

nor have I...I feel that I am currently in a state that contradicts the statement.

 

[impressive]

so you can be in love with more than one? how do you do that? just curious

Just do. *shrugs* Never analyzed the "how."

 

[entitled]

Polyamory can work, and can work well. It all depends on the openness of all the people in the relationship with each other, the amount of honesty between all of them, and the realisation that it can actually be healthy.

It's not exactly the same thing, but the Inuit have traditionally had something similar for ages - each person has a serious friend and a joking friend. It's pretty obvious what each is for. A polyamourous relationship can be much the same, if it's healthy. Each person has a particular role to play, can rely on the others to do their parts in the whole, and have the advantage of being able to lean on the others in different ways if necessary.

Then again, it has it's disadvantages as well. Most of which have already been listed on this thread. There's more opportunity for miscommunication, misunderstanding, mistrust, and jealousy in the more traditional two-person relationship.

Hobbit!

 

[Belegon]

so you can be in love with more than one? how do you do that? just curious

to me, the problem with that statement is inherent within it...given the love I have been shown, how could I possibly restrict it?

Why should I place a limit on something so positive and life-enhancing? So that I can avoid possible negative repercussions? That strikes me as equivalent to saying I won't drive on the freeway because so many accidents happen there...

I couldn't NOT be in love with those I am in love with...even if I denied myself the expression of it, the love would still be there..

 

[Belegon]

There's more opportunity for miscommunication, misunderstanding, mistrust, and jealousy in the more traditional two-person relationship.

of course...adding another "voice" to the "conversation" could not possible result in less opportunity for this...and thus I can see how the more traditional roles could be considered easier...

...but I'm not looking for "easy". If I have to invest more to increase my return? So be it...