polyamory.......do's don'ts and opinions

[dragonlace]

I just wanted to get a general opinion about polyamory in its many forms.....things that help and things that don't and how to help make it work...

any help is appreciated and of course wanted

 

[Hexiegirl]

Are you polyamorous yourself? Or just curious?
It certainly isn't for everyone. And many people will scoff at it and make judgement calls that they really have no business making~

 

[aerofreak]

i'm not sure how to make it work, other than keep trying, but my g/f and i feel that it's perfectly acceptable and that's what we are planning to do with our boys (well... we're hoping anyway)

 

[dragonlace]

Are you polyamorous yourself? Or just curious?
It certainly isn't for everyone. And many people will scoff at it and make judgement calls that they really have no business making~

I am just starting out in a polyamorous relationship and just want any info i can get(as i am an information junkie)......its going good so far and W/we are A/all ok with everything so far but i want it to last

 

[MissTaken]

It is very important that communiction be and always remain open and honest. Everyone's expectations must be clear and "on the table." Jealousy and hurt feelings can be very destructive especially if there is incomplete communication.

There are several threads about poly here, but with so many new faces, I think it is time to revisit the discussion!

Thanks for bringing it up, dragonlace.

 

[Hexiegirl]

Yup, just like MissTaken said, always talk about everything. Just to make sure that everybody understands the situation and has similar expectations.

 

[dragonlace]

There are several threads about poly here, but with so many new faces, I think it is time to revisit the discussion!

Thanks for bringing it up, dragonlace.

Youre very welcome and thank you Miss T

 

[Desdemona]

I just wanted to say..... good thread sis! I was thinking of starting one just the other day. I will watch and learn with you.

 

[dragonlace]

I just wanted to say..... good thread sis! I was thinking of starting one just the other day. I will watch and learn with you.

glad to help sis anytime......... glad we can learn together

 

[lark sparrow]

Here's some links to related articles you may find interesting.

http://www.steel-door.com/Adding_Submissives.html

http://www.steel-door.com/jealousy.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/monogamy.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/multiple_dominants.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/polygamy.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/promiscuous.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/Taking_Responsibility.html

Adding she is not "the voice" on the subject but it can be helpful to read others opinion in formulating your own on the subject.

 

[aerofreak]

Here's some links to related articles you may find interesting.

http://www.steel-door.com/Adding_Submissives.html

http://www.steel-door.com/jealousy.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/monogamy.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/multiple_dominants.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/polygamy.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/promiscuous.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/Taking_Responsibility.html

cool... thanks for the links

 

[bondagegurl]

MissTaken has nailed it on the head...

My husband (Master) and i have talked many times about adding others into our "play"... or sex life... and each time it had failed because of a lack of communication and not fully expressing when one of us felt that it wasn't working.

We now realize our mistake and talk about it openly on a daily basis... and this is crucial in making it work! i also think it's important to have the same openness in communication with who you're playing with as well. We recently found a couple that was interesting in joining us, and the woman in the couple showed strong feelings of jealously about me.. not good... they obviously where not ready for such a situation in their relationship and needed to work on their communication.

 

[dragonlace]

Here's some links to related articles you may find interesting.

thanks so very much for the links they are great!!!

 

[NemoAlia]

Hey there, draglonlace! I'm afraid that one of the reasons why you're getting so few personal responses is that so many people here (or perhaps I'm mistaken) are feeling a bit disillusioned about the idea of multiple, long-term partners in a single relationship. Still, Shadowsdream might have some optimistic advice, as might Ebonyfire, if they're feeling willing to share.

As for myself: I've only had two real experiences with intentional polyamory. One went well-ish, except for the negative effects of distance, and one went quickly sour. I'm not planning on trying polyamory again any time soon, although my fiance and I don't necessarily insist that monogamy is where our relationship is going to stay forever and ever.

Advice? Well, hm. In my experience, it's important that you don't have to hide your polyamory from the people who are closest to you. Not only does this take a toll on your conscience, it leaves you without a support structure (which every relationship needs, I think). If you feel that your close friends and family won't be supportive of your decision, then it might help to seek out a community of people in similar circumstances -- just like BDSMers look for munch groups to join.

Also, it's a good idea to talk (really, this is just an extension of all the advice that has come before mine) about your roles, goals, and ... damn, I can't come up with another rhymer. Anyway, don't let yourself slip into a situation that you won't like later. For example, I once fell into the role of a maternal figure, without enjoying it, because the other woman in the relationship acted that way and our man had come to expect it. What's right for one person shouldn't necessarily be right for everyone else. Negotiation plays an important part in the decision-making process.

I would finally add that it's a good idea to leave at least some of your romantic idealism intact, even with all this open, honest conversation going on. If you get sucked into a constant discussion of the logics, you might just lose the love that pulled you together in the first place. This is true, I believe, for all long-term love relationships -- not just polyamory or BDSM.

Good luck, and enjoy!

 

[Ebonyfire]

2 excellent books on the subject

Polymory The New Love Without Limits: Dr. Deborah Anapol

The Ethical Slut: Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt


They are in paperback, and you can probably get them used on Half.com and Amazon.com.

I have them in my personal library, cause I am poly myself.

It find it hard to give advice about it, cause you really have to have a handle on your own issues of possessiveness and jealousy.

Eb

 

[dragonlace]

Thank you NemoAlia......its actually going rather easily so far and i believe its due to the extreme honesty W/we have with one another so far and i appreciate any help......this is my first poly relationship so i just want to have some ideas from those who have been there.

Oh and btw i am an extreme romantic idealist *giggles* so i tend to always see the good, never the bad and always look for the brightest possible outcome. He has so much love to give i don't think i am gonna lose any of it anytime soon......at least i hope not but have my eyes wide open just in case

 

[dragonlace]

Re: 2 excellent books on the subject

Polymory The New Love Without Limits: Dr. Deborah Anapol

The Ethical Slut: Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt


They are in paperback, and you can probably get them used on Half.com and Amazon.com.

I have them in my personal library, cause I am poly myself.

Thanks alot i will be sure to check them out

 

[MissTaken]

I think Nemo's advice was fantastic. Thanks for the insights.

After having considered poly for a bit and exploring it on a cursory level, I opted out. I am strictly monogomous because of my own jealousy issues. ( I dont' share well with others!)

However, it is the knowing and understanding of my own limits that will save any potential "family" from facing difficult decisions and conflicts.

So, in anyone's situation, (building on Ebony's statements), knowing how to recognize the green eyed monster, knowing yourself well enough to know how you handle it and having a plan for what you are going to do when He can't meet your needs as well as hers is critical.

It wil happen and it may hurt.
Hurt is okay, but how you handle it will be can be most detrimental to the poly family.

Also, being realistic in terms of outside conditions that affect the decision. My children were another factor that turned me away from considering anything resembling a poly relationship. I prefer they grow up in a more traditional environment and found that the children impacted the Dom's definition of roles in his proposed family.

And yes, if having a sub sister fits your romantic plan for D.s, that is even more wonderful and can help to make so many of the issues be resolved nicely. Liking her, loving her and respecting her as you do yourself and your Dom will ensure your investment in the poly relationship. I do believe that sub sis' in a poly relationship have the ability to share a deeply intimate feminine relationship that should be envied by many...with or without playing together.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I don't know if this is the appropriate place to post my thoughts on this matter. I would welcome your responses. I am involved in a poly relationship, however, it is NOT one that is D/s in nature. I would like to add my 2 cents, but don't want to get off topic. How do ya'll feel about that??

 

[dragonlace]

I don't know if this is the appropriate place to post my thoughts on this matter. I would welcome your responses. I am involved in a poly relationship, however, it is NOT one that is D/s in nature. I would like to add my 2 cents, but don't want to get off topic. How do ya'll feel about that??

any help would be appreciated as alot of the same issues would apply

be glad to hear what you have to say

 

[dragonlace]

And yes, if having a sub sister fits your romantic plan for D.s, that is even more wonderful and can help to make so many of the issues be resolved nicely. Liking her, loving her and respecting her as you do yourself and your Dom will ensure your investment in the poly relationship. I do believe that sub sis' in a poly relationship have the ability to share a deeply intimate feminine relationship that should be envied by many...with or without playing together.

actually having a sub sister has made it much easier on me than it would have been otherwise because we talk about things. It helps so much to have someone who knows Him and His wants and needs and to be able to talk things over. Its so wonderful and i love her almost as much as Him

 

[Shadowsdream]

I am a Poly Domme..always have been and always will be...4 years ago I had a wonderfully successful relationship with 3 male subs and a female sub who lived with Me. When I relocated from Canada to Sweden 3 of the relationships ended as the Canadian subs were understandably lonely and feeling insecure. But during the 2 years that W/we were all a family it was a happy and loving family with all of the subs, My friends and family aware of the situation.
I still have a wonderful relationship and friendship with each of the 3 subs in Canada and there was never any jealousy or competition between them unless you count the fem sub who was always trying to get the boys in trouble with Me.
A little den mother she was ~~grin~~
When I first enter a relationship with a submissive I am 110% honest about the fact that they will never be the only one. Not because they aren't good enough to satisfy Me nor that I don't love or desire them. I simply enjoy the diverstity of humanity. I search for their differences.
I do not allow jealousy and know without a shadow of a doubt it is up to Me to treat them equally ( no alpha sub) as in My eyes they are equal. I also will not tolerate competition but encourage them to become friends and will even send them out to play together so that they get to know each other socially without My controlling hand.

Funny this thread would greet Me this morning as I have just accepted a second male sub as Mine. One I have been training for a year. Now that I have made the decision to remain in Sweden it is time to get back into My poly life in more ways than just training.
My slave is happy and not threatened by this new toy I have taken and he will be happy when I accept the right fem sub as well. he is happy because he feeds on My happiness and I of course adore him for it.
I think this has been a ramble but it is the best I cam do being surprised by this thread this morning before I am even fully awake.

*The Dom/me must be 100% secure or the Poly thing will never work..if She/He is not secure they cannot keep the subs secure.*

 

[Ebonyfire]

any help would be appreciated as alot of the same issues would apply

be glad to hear what you have to say

One thing I have to say. Total honesty about expectations are necessary.

Things I have found out:

The primary relationship has to be stable. Otherwise any dysfunctions will be magnified when you add others.

You must have mutually agreed upon ground rules.

Each person has to know about the "others." No secrets.

No lies or cover ups.

Be prepared to have jealous pangs, and have a game plan to deal with the green-eyed monster when it rears it's ugly head.

And decide in advance what you will do if the situation is not to your liking. That means this...

communicate, communicate, communicate, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Eb

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

any help would be appreciated as alot of the same issues would apply

be glad to hear what you have to say

Thank you Lace I am involved in a poly relationship with a married couple, who have a 14 y.o. son. They have always been open with their son about their lifestyle, and when I came into the picture as their "girlfriend" it was initially in a "dating" sort of way. Our relationship was always very family oriented. She and I are best friends, we both adore "our" man, but from the very beginning we have talked openly and honestly with each other about how this relationship runs.

It is important to have ground rules set up. They are free to be together as a couple, of course. They have been married for over 10 years. We play together as a threesome. We are "out" to most of their family, but not to mine, and we are fairly well accepted. We raise "our" son together, and it works pretty well. He is considers me his "pseudomom" ... funny but endearing too. He tells me things he won't tell his mom, and talks to me straight up about stuff at school. Of course, I follow the line his parents set 100% and he knows it. LOL.

This relationship is far more about family, than it is about sex, ultimately *shrugs* That's why I hesitated to post it here. It has fulfilled a need for me. Yes, we have sex. But its not the biggest nor most important part of the relationship for me. I miss being part of a pair. I see them together and wish that I had what they have. Perhaps someday soon, I will find that special someone of my own, and I can continue to be part of this family as a special friend, and mentor. Who knows?

I hope all this rambling gave you some insight.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Just an add on

Personally I would not take 2 female subs but easily consider 3 male subs.
I have discovered that fem subs have a different emotional makeup that makes it more difficult once the fun has disappeared to remain focused.
Jealousy is more difficult for them to over come as is competition. They are not as much out in the open about their unhappiness and tend to let issues fester until it is unfixable.
Many Dom/mes would disagree and have wonderful successful Poly relationships with more than one fem sub.