Poly...When 3 is not a Crowd.

[blulilacgrl]

This is beautiful and a key tenet of what I think real polyamory entails.
I think I’d the stories, the fables, the folklore and the fairy tales we all grew up with were different the perspectives of society would be different.

I’d love to see more focus placed on the relationships that bring value to a life rather than solely focusing on the relationship that is sexual in nature.

At lunch the other day friends were talking about whether or not men and women should have friends of the opposite sex. It was eye opening to see how many people were willing to abandon years long valued friend because a new romantic partner wanted that. I was appalled.

Because he’s poly and I’m not I often get asked if I get jealous.
Of course I do.
I’m human. Most humans experience some jealousy.
I was jealous of his damn cat the other day because the cat was getting snuggles...
but I realize that his love isn’t finite. Just because he loves other people doesn’t mean they are getting the love that’s “mine”
That’s for me.
And so I roll my eyes at myself and sometimes we fight cause I’m out of sorts or sometimes I just find something to distract myself with...

The big thing that I take from the poly lifestyle (and what seems counterintuitive) is the way it takes sex out of the equation for a relationship. Now these are just my thoughts and I recognize everyone does it differently so please keep that in mind. But for me personally....

As I began to be around and understand the dynamics, I realized that I could separate out sex. It meant looking at relationships and evaluating for myself what I need and can bring to the table. For example... I have a friend who is fun and adventurous and sexy but I would never want to tie my life to him like within a marriage because he sucks as finances and stability. Lol. Love him but it is what it is. His wife balances him. And my Hubby balances me. Hubby is who I choose to build my life with, merge my finances with, have children with, because he is the balance for me in those areas. He fills in the areas that I lack and I do the same for him. So understanding that no one person is expected to fill every blank was freeing. It meant that I could appreciate Hubby for all the wonderful things (amazing life partner, father, friend. He is the type of man I want my sons to grow up to be like and the kind of man I want my daughter to marry) he brings to my life without slighting him for maybe not being as adventurous or spontaneous. The idea that I can have my life partner in one way and this other amazing person (who if we were married, our flaws would combine and tear us apart) in my life. I can appreciate both for their strengths, enjoy both, and yet be very aware of what I need to operate on a daily basis.

That totally made sense in my head, I'm hoping it made sense to y'all as well.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Thank you, Tink, for starting this thread and to you and Tolyk and everyone else who has contributed and been so open. I consider myself polyamorous, but I had not been in a polyamorous relationship in almost 30 years. Although poly felt right to me, I went with the fairy tales and societal expectations and followed the traditional route of marriage. The man I married is one of my best friends and I love him romantically as well. He is an amazing person and a wonderful partner. We have been together through career changes, multiple moves, depression and prostate cancer. He has always known my dating history. There have been changes and challenges in our sex life, the typical issues that bring many a married person to Lit.

Then I met an amazing person here, a wonderful friend, and caught all the feels. So, now I find myself a practicing polyamorist once again...and not an ethical one until just a few months ago. My husband knows that I am on Lit and that I talk to people here and have made some good friends. However, I tried to keep the changed nature of this one relationship a secret. Surprise, it didn't work very well. I came clean. We have had discussions, a number of times throughout the years, of polyamory, both in general terms and my personal experiences. So, it did not come as a complete and utter shock to him. We're a work in progress, but I think he knows, at least on a logical level if not always an emotional level, that this doesn't diminish my love for him.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. It's great to have a place to talk about it.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Kids are so loving. So open. So non-judgmental. They learn all the judgy stuff from others. I wish we could all stay like that.

Right? Wouldn't that be amazing?

The big thing that I take from the poly lifestyle (and what seems counterintuitive) is the way it takes sex out of the equation for a relationship. Now these are just my thoughts and I recognize everyone does it differently so please keep that in mind. But for me personally....

As I began to be around and understand the dynamics, I realized that I could separate out sex. It meant looking at relationships and evaluating for myself what I need and can bring to the table. For example... I have a friend who is fun and adventurous and sexy but I would never want to tie my life to him like within a marriage because he sucks as finances and stability. Lol. Love him but it is what it is. His wife balances him. And my Hubby balances me. Hubby is who I choose to build my life with, merge my finances with, have children with, because he is the balance for me in those areas. He fills in the areas that I lack and I do the same for him. So understanding that no one person is expected to fill every blank was freeing. It meant that I could appreciate Hubby for all the wonderful things (amazing life partner, father, friend. He is the type of man I want my sons to grow up to be like and the kind of man I want my daughter to marry) he brings to my life without slighting him for maybe not being as adventurous or spontaneous. The idea that I can have my life partner in one way and this other amazing person (who if we were married, our flaws would combine and tear us apart) in my life. I can appreciate both for their strengths, enjoy both, and yet be very aware of what I need to operate on a daily basis.

That totally made sense in my head, I'm hoping it made sense to y'all as well.

This makes sense to me.

Tolyk and I had a long talk this morning where I rambled all over the place for over an hour about the hows and whys of why I wish I was poly.
It actually makes the MOST sense for the happiest lives.
Unfortunately with it as misunderstood as it is in society, it's unlikely to become the norm anytime soon.
I think had I been raised differently, had my exposure to "happily ever after" been different, that I might have been poly.
I don't love one of my children more than the other.
I have friends that I do all kinds of different things with... and know that doesn't mean that I don't like the others...
I can see how it would have spilled over into my romantic relationships as well.
But my heart doesn't compartmentalize super well... and because of that, at this point I am not personally poly but I really grasp it and understand it.

I like what you said here, and the perspective you brought to this. Especially the parts I bolded.

Thank you, Tink, for starting this thread and to you and Tolyk and everyone else who has contributed and been so open. I consider myself polyamorous, but I had not been in a polyamorous relationship in almost 30 years. Although poly felt right to me, I went with the fairy tales and societal expectations and followed the traditional route of marriage. The man I married is one of my best friends and I love him romantically as well. He is an amazing person and a wonderful partner. We have been together through career changes, multiple moves, depression and prostate cancer. He has always known my dating history. There have been changes and challenges in our sex life, the typical issues that bring many a married person to Lit.

Then I met an amazing person here, a wonderful friend, and caught all the feels. So, now I find myself a practicing polyamorist once again...and not an ethical one until just a few months ago. My husband knows that I am on Lit and that I talk to people here and have made some good friends. However, I tried to keep the changed nature of this one relationship a secret. Surprise, it didn't work very well. I came clean. We have had discussions, a number of times throughout the years, of polyamory, both in general terms and my personal experiences. So, it did not come as a complete and utter shock to him. We're a work in progress, but I think he knows, at least on a logical level if not always an emotional level, that this doesn't diminish my love for him.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. It's great to have a place to talk about it.

The fairy tale part. Yes. I talk about that a lot. We are raised to believe.. "They found their soul mate, exchanged true loves kiss and lived happily ever after."

Um. Ok.
It doesn't work like that no matter what, and I really do need to get to work on that childrens book about poly that I want to write. It's time for some new fairy tales.

How did your husband take it? How are things between the two of you now? And your partner here? Do they communicate at all?

 

[AngelicaS1780]

It doesn't work like that no matter what, and I really do need to get to work on that childrens book about poly that I want to write. It's time for some new fairy tales.
How did your husband take it? How are things between the two of you now? And your partner here? Do they communicate at all?

I think he took it pretty well, considering that he would far prefer for me to be monogamous. I keep trying to emphasize that this doesn't mean he isn't enough or that I love him any less. It feels like things are ok between us. I think the fact that Pol lives across an ocean is helping my husband to be able to adjust more gradually.

They do not communicate with each other. I am sure that, someday, we will all be in the same place and will go out for dinner and drinks. My husband also knows where contact info is for Pol, in case of an emergency. I know that he would contact Pol if something drastic happened to me.

 

[Doctor Joe]

I just have to get back to reading this entire blog sometime. Thanks to all who contributed!

 

[LostGirlTink]

I think he took it pretty well, considering that he would far prefer for me to be monogamous. I keep trying to emphasize that this doesn't mean he isn't enough or that I love him any less. It feels like things are ok between us. I think the fact that Pol lives across an ocean is helping my husband to be able to adjust more gradually.

They do not communicate with each other. I am sure that, someday, we will all be in the same place and will go out for dinner and drinks. My husband also knows where contact info is for Pol, in case of an emergency. I know that he would contact Pol if something drastic happened to me.

Have you suggested he read More than Teo? It was an excellent book and one I think everyone should read no matter monogamous/poly or whatever.
I’m glad he has contact information and knows to do so in an emergency.
Being in the dark would be horrible in the event of an emergency. Tolyk’s wife and I have each other on Skype and instagram. We’ve talked about being fb friends but haven’t done it yet

I just have to get back to reading this entire blog sometime. Thanks to all who contributed!

It’s a great read. I enjoy reading back from time to time to see how much I’ve learned and how my perspective has changed in the last year

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Have you suggested he read More than Teo? It was an excellent book and one I think everyone should read no matter monogamous/poly or whatever.
I’m glad he has contact information and knows to do so in an emergency.
Being in the dark would be horrible in the event of an emergency. Tolyk’s wife and I have each other on Skype and instagram. We’ve talked about being fb friends but haven’t done it yet

I am still working on More than Two, myself. I agree with you as far as it being a good book about relationships for anyone to read, whether monogamous or poly.

 

[LostGirlTink]

What do you guys think of throuples? Like a couple dating someone together. A friend of mine mentioned something about this the other day and it got me curious. So I thought I'd ask.

I think it’s obviously got advantages and disadvantages.
In theory it would be great but in other ways it is fraught with landmines.

There’s not a lot of people who are all equally into each other and sexually threesomes end up unbalanced because of this.. throw a relationship into it and yikes

 

[AngelicaS1780]

What do you guys think of throuples? Like a couple dating someone together. A friend of mine mentioned something about this the other day and it got me curious. So I thought I'd ask.

I think that it's a structure that works for some people. If I understand fully, a throuple moves a step beyond a couple dating someone together to where the three partners consider themselves as being equally committed to each of the other partners. One of my college friends has been in a relationship like this for over a decade. The three partners (one man, two women) own a home together. My friend is a legal guardian of the biological child of the other two partners.

Tink made the observation that it is rare for three people to all be equally into each other, especially sexually. While I would agree with that, I think that, in a throuple, it's more about being equally committed to each of the love relationships than about consistently equal levels of attraction to both other partners. Of course, this is all just my thoughts, based on the one throuple I know and what I have read.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Angelica, I’m glad to hear your hubs is doing better, health wise.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Angelica, I’m glad to hear your hubs is doing better, health wise.

Thanks, Fara. There are still challenges, but he is cancer free. PSA level was not detectable at six months post surgery.

 

[XXXUME]

I'm middle aged but I work out all of the time so having a shortage of girls to hook up with is never in shortage ! I'm on here with specifics in looking for a girl! I want one that is very sexual or at least trying to be. I realize some girls struggle in that department and sometimes they want reach out for help. I'm looking for an honest girl regarding what she wants sexually. I prefer a girl who's into watching porn, masturbating, group sex, swinging, etc. or at least who is into being sexually fulfilled! If she likes girls that's fine. However, I really like to watch who I date having sex with other men. I'm not BI I like DPS with her if she can. I enjoy watching her do other men etc. I even like it if she goes out and has sex with other men as long as I get alllll the DETAILS . I'm a "hopeless romantic" at , I believe in emotional commitment without the physical commitment. Now, you may be thinking this guy right here sleeps with a lot of women and I could never trust him.... totally not the case I enjoy my female having sex with others but my sexual gratification comes only from her!!!! Trust me women love me for some reason or another. In the past there just to be a girl coming in the front door and one going out the back door lol I've just been down that players road and it now bores me

 

[LostGirlTink]

A few people have left me messages in my inbox so I wanted to post a quick update here. (Boy was I clueless and in over my head when I first started this thread!)

Tolyk and I have been together for over 2 years now. We did not get to spend our anniversary together, fucking like bunnies and naked like we wanted.... because Fuck Covid and closed borders and the universe in general.
I miss seeing him in person.
But we are doing well.
I think we've both learned a ton and while there are days that are complicated, and sometimes easier than others, we are happy. He has been wonderful about finding his balance with everything and we work through the hiccups.

We are planning a vacation for when this (plague) is all over.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Hey Tink! It’s good to see you posting. I am so glad to hear that you and Tolyk are still going strong. Hopefully, you will get to be together again soon.

 

[inkandiridiumnibs]

This is basically what I was talking about before about People Not Realizing they are living in a Poly relationship

https://64.media.tumblr.com/430357b5b3ee3f30b6b910ee3556b884/02f501975ed93ee3-02/s640x960/cf26d40714bcbfac0ab1f3bdf341502a1d9c7fcf.jpg

 

[LostGirlTink]

I thought I’d come back now after some time and wrap the thread since I started it for my own learning.
When all is said and done, I was never poly and had to relearn all my everything about relationships. It was good but I wouldn’t seek out a poly relationship, I think as a mono in a poly there are always minefields and I don’t want to do it again.
There is a lot to be said about one person not being someone’s everything for all things, and do think a huge portion of lit is actually poly though, and if they could learn to navigate it they would have more fulfillment.