Poly + LDR = our crazy whirlwind

[DeservingBitch]

Wishing all three of you a lot of fun.

 

[Etoile]

Been there, done that, had a little bit of my spirit permanently crushed. Nope, not going there again.

 

[myinnerslut]

question of the night....

im seing other poly couples here and there, but i cant think of any off the top of my head that is one PYL and multiple pyls. does this situation apply to anyone else.

question for the PYLs (or anyone else who wants to take a stab at it): how do you combat playing favorites?

question for the pyls (and once again for ayone who wants to take a stab at it): how do you relate to the other pyl? viv and i have a great relationship, but it so easily could have been awkward or seemed forced. do you ever feel jelouse of the other pyl?

 

[rida]

im seing other poly couples here and there, but i cant think of any off the top of my head that is one PYL and multiple pyls. does this situation apply to anyone else.

question for the PYLs (or anyone else who wants to take a stab at it): how do you combat playing favorites?

question for the pyls (and once again for ayone who wants to take a stab at it): how do you relate to the other pyl? viv and i have a great relationship, but it so easily could have been awkward or seemed forced. do you ever feel jelouse of the other pyl?

Check out the following thread by Marquis:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=314829

It is all worth looking through but more toward the end you will find that he is now a PYL with 2 pyls and things are working fine (after some rough patches).

As for my personal 2 yen on how not to get jealousy to go out of hand (a little bit is inevitable at times): just remember that you are you, and she is she. She cannot be you and you cannot be her. You both are valued individually and it is not a competition. I know, easily said than done ...

 

[Netzach]

im seing other poly couples here and there, but i cant think of any off the top of my head that is one PYL and multiple pyls. does this situation apply to anyone else.

question for the PYLs (or anyone else who wants to take a stab at it): how do you combat playing favorites?

question for the pyls (and once again for ayone who wants to take a stab at it): how do you relate to the other pyl? viv and i have a great relationship, but it so easily could have been awkward or seemed forced. do you ever feel jelouse of the other pyl?

Yo.

I don't have a playing favorites issue because the role of each person is vastly different. H does things that M would NEVER do, and M is my spouse and does things that H doesn't or can't do.

This works pretty well. I'm also religious when we are all together, about making sure I get me and them time each one on one, as well as all three of us.

There's no hierarchy or anything among M and H, though if M wanted to pull rank on H it's understood by all people involved that that would be acceptable, hell H would love it. But that's not really in my dear boy's repertoire, they're both "not a switch" poster children.

 

[the captians wench]

Been there, done that, had a little bit of my spirit permanently crushed. Nope, not going there again.

I was begining to wonder if I was the only one in this situation that really didn't want to be.
I know, I know if you're in it and you don't want to be then why not get out of it? Because I love them all, well not the playmates but they're not the problem.

im seing other poly couples here and there, but i cant think of any off the top of my head that is one PYL and multiple pyls. does this situation apply to anyone else.

question for the PYLs (or anyone else who wants to take a stab at it): how do you combat playing favorites?

question for the pyls (and once again for ayone who wants to take a stab at it): how do you relate to the other pyl? viv and i have a great relationship, but it so easily could have been awkward or seemed forced. do you ever feel jelouse of the other pyl?

MIS, I'm in something of a jumbled up love fest *giggles*. Jounar does not have another sub, he doesn't even have a playmate at the moment, and doesn't tend to keep a fuckbuddy long. Not sure why, it's just how he is.

Me, I have him, then I have the triad, then I have 2 playmates one switch who leans heavy on the dom side and one sub boy who has become very eagar to recieve my aproval. I'll talk to you more about my triad in a pm, it's kind of hard to explain because I'm the only one that identifies as a sub only, they both switch.

As to jelousy and favortism, well in my situation there is an understanding that there will always be one relationship favored over the other, I'm talking about with in the triad here. Just a fact, and something I agreed to in the begining. Sometimess that's easier for me to cope with than others, but then I remember I have the love of my life aswell, he's just not able to sleep in the same...well in the same country as me even at this point.

 

[ecstaticsub]

im seing other poly couples here and there, but i cant think of any off the top of my head that is one PYL and multiple pyls. does this situation apply to anyone else.

question for the PYLs (or anyone else who wants to take a stab at it): how do you combat playing favorites?

question for the pyls (and once again for ayone who wants to take a stab at it): how do you relate to the other pyl? viv and i have a great relationship, but it so easily could have been awkward or seemed forced. do you ever feel jelouse of the other pyl?

You have to do what feels right for you. I don't have any kind of relationship with my PYL's wife. We know about each other but we and he wants everything separate. As Netzach said there is no favorites issue because she and I have different roles in his life. Though, there is the fact that she is his wife and I am in reality "the other woman", even though she knows and consents to me. She comes first and that is just fine and understandable to me. Part of the reason I love him so much is seeing the respect and love he gives his wife. The only time I feel jealous is when I am really missing him and she gets so much of his time.

 

[myinnerslut]

duh. i completly forgot netz, marquis fit that description. thats what i get for posting directly before i go to sleep.

right now im not really worried about jelousy. communication has been very open and far easier then i had expected. and viv and i get along really well. it helps when you love both other people in the relationship, not just one.

 

[catalina_francisco]

im seing other poly couples here and there, but i cant think of any off the top of my head that is one PYL and multiple pyls. does this situation apply to anyone else.

question for the PYLs (or anyone else who wants to take a stab at it): how do you combat playing favorites?

question for the pyls (and once again for ayone who wants to take a stab at it): how do you relate to the other pyl? viv and i have a great relationship, but it so easily could have been awkward or seemed forced. do you ever feel jelouse of the other pyl?

As someone mentioned, Marquis, c and lo provide a good example of a PYL with 2 pyls working it out together.

For me, it is still a place I don't want to go nor see a positive point for seriously considering worthwhile for various reasons on just a practical level without even going into the emotional/psychological side...for others it works wonderfully.

The jealousy thing can take form in many ways I imagine. Though this thread sort of began talking about a different aspect of jealousy to what you are asking about MIS, the discussion moved onto various aspects of jealousy and a good discussion from some of how it can be handled within poly etc. This other thread looks at some things which can become problems apart from jealousy when involving other partners, but of which jealousy may become a factor.

I think one big thing is keeping feet firmly on the ground and remembering that the newness of a relationship of any type can often overshadow any difficulties, unhappiness, discord, repressed emotions to the point of believing all is perfect (or near perfect) and will remain so, simply because it is exciting and new, an adventure, for some an escape from something else...how that is dealt with if and when it hits home is what counts and makes or breaks the relationship/s. Hopefully you all will not have such difficulties to cope with but sometimes reality can be not only a bitch but a real downer.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

the newness of a relationship of any type can often overshadow any difficulties, unhappiness, discord, repressed emotions to the point of believing all is perfect

This is known in the poly community as NRE, or New Relationship Energy. Some people feel it's necessary to maintain a level of this in their lives at all times.

 

[HottieMama]

it helps when you love both other people in the relationship, not just one.

Totally agree with you on this mis. I have been in both scenarios. One in which i had no contact with the other pyl, and the other where we were a full triad. The full triad was WAY more emotionally satisfying.

I wish you all the happiness in the world sweetie...

 

[Netzach]

You have to do what feels right for you. I don't have any kind of relationship with my PYL's wife. We know about each other but we and he wants everything separate. As Netzach said there is no favorites issue because she and I have different roles in his life. Though, there is the fact that she is his wife and I am in reality "the other woman", even though she knows and consents to me. She comes first and that is just fine and understandable to me. Part of the reason I love him so much is seeing the respect and love he gives his wife. The only time I feel jealous is when I am really missing him and she gets so much of his time.

This was the plan - however they wound up being physically attracted, which was the last thing I ever expected.

 

[serijules]

First of all, congrats to you all. Very cool.

To answer the questions from MIS which I forgot to quote so I don't really recall what I'm answering....

Um...

Ma'am is an example of a top with multiple bottoms. She has me (her slave) of 4 years, C her sub of 6 years and Cd her sub of 10 years. She also has two male sissy maids, but they are not collared to her. I'm not really sure how she handles that, as I am not poly.

Jealousy...it happens, in the best of relationships. As etoile said, poly has a high instance of "new relationship energy" and everyone has different expectations of how that will play out in the long term. Right now, you will not likely have many issues or problems because you are still in that "new energy" place. In time, when that fades and things start becoming a bit more real so to speak, you may find yourself having more issues and problems especially in regards to jealousy.

All I can offer is that this is normal, especially since you are LD and viv is not. No matter how much you love her and get along with her, this will very likely take a toll after awhile. She will have things you don't...more time, more opportunities to serve, etc. Just know that feeling jealous or having moments where that fact isn't so easy to deal with does not mean you love her any less. It just simply goes with the territory of long distance and poly.

I love C, but there are times I feel almost ANGRY with her because she gets so much more time and opportunities that I don't have, and that just really gets hard sometimes. Especially when we are all together and her and Ma'am still spend private time alone...it's hard for me to not think "You get her all the time, go away" - or something along those lines LOL. I've learned over the years that the time and attention is not mine to schedule, and to be grateful for what I have even if the amount of it is not equal, the quality of it IS.

Communication is of course a biggie, but even with the best of intentions that will fail you at times. It's easy to say "communicate and be honest always!", but it's not so easy to live it. C did something during our last visit that really pissed me off and broke my trust/comfort level with her a bit. However, bringing it up and talking about it is going to cause some tension and hurt feelings and anger that I'm not sure is a good tradeoff for being open and honest. So I'm struggling with that right now....should I air my issues and hope we can solve them, or should I suck it up and let it go? A never-ending poly battle. Heck, a never ending RELATIONSHIP battle.

Playing favs...well Netz answered that brilliantly, but I'll expand on it anyhow. Regardless of the poly dynamic, your relationship with Homburg is unique, different and stand-alone of his with viv. You both offer things the other can't, or offer things that when you join together, raise from mediocre to spectacular. I'm quite sure from what I know of Homburg, he isn't the type to play favourites and appreciates the both of you as individuals. A mistake many people make in poly, especially in new poly relationships, is thinking in terms of "we three" and honestly, "we three" is not what makes the relationship works. A window doesn't make a house. A frame doesn't make a house. A door doesn't make a house...

A window, a door and a frame make a house. (ok well, you need a bit more but you know me and my love of asinine analogies...)

Each part is a valid, necessary part of the whole. You have to be careful not to discount those parts because when you do, you end up with problems. Leave the door off the house and you got yourself a problem...

Basically, what I'm trying to say is don't feel you always have to talk in terms of the we-three. Of course you are poly and all love one another, but it's not always JUST about that. It's ok to just talk about or think about viv or just think about or talk about Homburg or focus on each other as a single partner at times rather than always together. It doesn't always have to be "we-three"...the house still stands because if it was built correctly, it can withstand a closed window or door now and then.

Last piece of advice I have is to remove the word "fair" from your vocabulary. There is no such thing in a poly relationship as fair. It's not fair that viv gets to be there and you don't. It's not fair that you only get to see them every so often. It's not fair that you can't serve in the ways he would normally expect of you were you there 24/7. It's not fair that viv will always in some ways know him better simply because she's been around him longer, sees him more, etc. I really struggle with this in my relationship and despite my love of C, it's sometimes hard to not "resent" her for the unfairness of her being there and me not. Again, it's a normal emotion and I'm sure you will deal with it at some point. It helps to start off realizing that it will never be fair, and not expect it to be.

I'm always here if you want to talk...you know where to find me And congrats again...I was totally thrilled to read you had found a new relationship and one that seems to suit you so much better.

Oh, wanted to add...some of what I'm sharing is based on MY experiences, which differ from your situation in the sense that I am not in a relationship with C as well, where you are with viv...so that may make a huge difference that I have no exposure too. I'm really looking forward to learning from YOU!

 

[Homburg]

First of all, congrats to you all. Very cool.

Thank you, Seri. I was actually hoping you'd reply.

Playing favs...well Netz answered that brilliantly, but I'll expand on it anyhow. Regardless of the poly dynamic, your relationship with Homburg is unique, different and stand-alone of his with viv. You both offer things the other can't, or offer things that when you join together, raise from mediocre to spectacular. I'm quite sure from what I know of Homburg, he isn't the type to play favourites and appreciates the both of you as individuals.

You are very correct. I don't go for terms like alpha and beta, or primary and secondary. they'r eboth individuals, and our individual relationships are very different things. Yes, there are striking similarities, but they're still unique.

I was actually mildly against the recent change of their titles to "Homburg's Thing One" and "Homburg's thing Two". They were cute, and I understood it, but the One and Two made it sound a bit too hierarchical for my tastes. They both assured me that it was essentially just a literary trope, and that they didn' tthink of it as a ranking system. As MIS said, "You can't count to three without one and two".

A mistake many people make in poly, especially in new poly relationships, is thinking in terms of "we three" and honestly, "we three" is not what makes the relationship. A window doesn't make a house. A frame doesn't make a house. A door doesn't make a house....

A window, a door and a frame make a house. (ok well, you need a bit more but you know me and my love of asinine analogies...)

Each part is a valid, necessary part of the whole. You have to be careful not to discount those parts because when you do, you end up with problems. Leave the door off the house and you got yourself a problem...

Good stuff.

Last piece of advice I have is to remove the word "fair" from your vocabulary. There is no such thing in a poly relationship as fair. It's not fair that viv gets to be there and you don't. It's not fair that you only get to see them every so often. It's not fair that you can't serve in the ways he would normally expect of you were you there 24/7. It's not fair that viv will always in some ways know him better simply because she's been around him longer, sees him more, etc. I really struggle with this in my relationship and despite my love of C, it's sometimes hard to not "resent" her for the unfairness of her being there and me not. Again, it's a normal emotion and I'm sure you will deal with it at some point. It helps to start off realizing that it will never be fair, and not expect it to be.

This is probably the most difficult piece of advice to swallow, and thus probably the most important. Thank you, Seri. As usual, you blow me away. Thank you for replying to this thread.

 

[LittleJade]

it helps when you love both other people in the relationship, not just one.

Yes, it does. That makes all the difference in the world.

 

[Marquis]

Is there a specific question I can answer for you (or anyone else) here, Homburg?

From my reading of your first post, I would have to say you are facing some fundamental misunderstandings.

First of all, you are experience guilt where there should be none. It is not your responsibility to care about their emotions.

I know that sounds very strange, but it's true.

Women are emotional creatures that are quite capable of managing their own emotions. What they are usually incapable of doing is managing their own affairs. You must be the man for them, provide for them and protect for them, as if they were your own children.

When you have offered them that, they will offer you everything, and it will be relative to who you are, confidently, as an individual and not who you compartmentalize and purport yourself to be to please them.

 

[Homburg]

Is there a specific question I can answer for you (or anyone else) here, Homburg?

From my reading of your first post, I would have to say you are facing some fundamental misunderstandings.

First of all, you are experience guilt where there should be none. It is not your responsibility to care about their emotions.

I know that sounds very strange, but it's true.

Women are emotional creatures that are quite capable of managing their own emotions. What they are usually incapable of doing is managing their own affairs. You must be the man for them, provide for them and protect for them, as if they were your own children.

When you have offered them that, they will offer you everything, and it will be relative to who you are, confidently, as an individual and not who you compartmentalize and purport yourself to be to please them.

Hmm, interesting perspective. No, I can't say that I have any specific questions, honestly. By and large, I'm watching the thread to see what various people say. I have my own ideas, and questions haven't popped up yet.

I'll think on what you've said here. Thank you.

 

[Netzach]

Is there a specific question I can answer for you (or anyone else) here, Homburg?

From my reading of your first post, I would have to say you are facing some fundamental misunderstandings.

First of all, you are experience guilt where there should be none. It is not your responsibility to care about their emotions.

I know that sounds very strange, but it's true.

Women are emotional creatures that are quite capable of managing their own emotions. What they are usually incapable of doing is managing their own affairs. You must be the man for them, provide for them and protect for them, as if they were your own children.

When you have offered them that, they will offer you everything, and it will be relative to who you are, confidently, as an individual and not who you compartmentalize and purport yourself to be to please them.

It's funnny, I relate to this really well. Probably because I'm female and encouraged to adopt a "well they're big boys, they'll speak up if they have a problem" mentality. I find that my anticipatory flinching in expectation of jealousy was more detrimental than just putting my head down and going on and I figured that out very fast.

I do have to beg to differ on the emotional creatures incapable of managing their affairs bit, as it doesn't jive with my observation very well. I'm one of the FEW women I know who flails with her affairs and isn't fucked up every five minutes by emotional crap. Many women I know are very mystified and confused by their own emotions while capable of sensing other people's well, and when it comes to the basics of daily life generally have to run things for fairly basics-flustered boy-men.

 

[myinnerslut]

as opposed to quoted a long post, im just gonna say thank you seri, everything you said was relevant and helpful.


and good news, i was waiting on the dates for some work in a school i have to do to get worked out, but now that they have it looks like i will be going down to visit homburg and viv for 2 1/2 to 3 weeks in the summer. yay!

 

[Homburg]

Makes me happy to hear that too

 

[Marquis]

It's funnny, I relate to this really well. Probably because I'm female and encouraged to adopt a "well they're big boys, they'll speak up if they have a problem" mentality. I find that my anticipatory flinching in expectation of jealousy was more detrimental than just putting my head down and going on and I figured that out very fast.

I do have to beg to differ on the emotional creatures incapable of managing their affairs bit, as it doesn't jive with my observation very well. I'm one of the FEW women I know who flails with her affairs and isn't fucked up every five minutes by emotional crap. Many women I know are very mystified and confused by their own emotions while capable of sensing other people's well, and when it comes to the basics of daily life generally have to run things for fairly basics-flustered boy-men.

You know, I've thought about you often in this regard, Netz, and let me tell you the conclusion I come to.

You are a man.

You may lack the generally requisite biology, but psychologically speaking I see very little evidence to the contrary.

In that regard, it would make sense to me that you would pursue romantic relations with individuals who were female, but containing the sexual apparatus to please the body god gave you.

 

[Netzach]

You know, I've thought about you often in this regard, Netz, and let me tell you the conclusion I come to.

You are a man.

You may lack the generally requisite biology, but psychologically speaking I see very little evidence to the contrary.

In that regard, it would make sense to me that you would pursue romantic relations with individuals who were female, but containing the sexual apparatus to please the body god gave you.

Yeah, but the last bit, I'm talking about my observations of the ways of others with my plumbing.

And yes. Usually a man. Sometimes all girl. Sometimes a hyperactive gamer boy.

But not especially womanly.

Dude, Herman's Head would still be on the air if they did mine.

 

[nh23]

Just wanted to add my congratulations to all three of you! I won't chime in on poly and LDR at the moment. I've not got a lot of time. And it's currently not a situation I'm in. My Dom is actually very close to me at the moment and I get to see him and my husband both on a daily basis. I did do poly and LDR for a few years so I have some thoughts...but I'll have to post at a later date.

P.S. Homburg. Left you an offline on yahoo..I'm still alive..lol

 

[Marquis]

Yeah, but the last bit, I'm talking about my observations of the ways of others with my plumbing.

And yes. Usually a man. Sometimes all girl. Sometimes a hyperactive gamer boy.

But not especially womanly.

Dude, Herman's Head would still be on the air if they did mine.

I'm all girl every once in a while.

More and more I find myself restrained by societal constraints.

 

[HB1965]

Congrats Hommy, Vi, and MIS! Sounds like you have a challenging and rewarding voyage head of you. I wish you all the best. I promised to visit at some point and I will.