Politically incorrect jokes

[Svenskaflicka]

In marriage, you go through three levels of sex : Household Sex, Bedroom Sex and Hallway Sex.

When you are newlyweds, you can't keep your hands off each other. And you often time cannot wait to get to bedroom when passions are enflamed so you have sex wherever you are in the house. Ultimately, you have had sex in every room in the house. That's Household Sex.

Eventually kids come along, and passions cool slightly and it is no problem to wait until you are in the bedroom. You still have a lot of sex, but usually in the bedroom. That is bedroom sex.

After years and years of marriage, when the bloom is definitely off the rose, along comes Hallway Sex. That's when you pass each other in the hallway, and vehemently say "FUCK YOU!"

I've heard a version of that when you call it Smurf Sex instead of household sex, since you're both young and in love and horny, so you fuck until your faces turn blue.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

No, where can I find it? I want to be rofling too!

~lucky

Kazaa. But beware - it's FULL of spyware!








...and I think it's not really legal either, but WTF...

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Kazaa. But beware - it's FULL of spyware!








...and I think it's not really legal either, but WTF...

Thanks Flicka, I've got good spyware removal software and breaking the law will only ensure my trip to hell, so wtf? is my take on it too.

~lucky

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Anti-spyware? Where? Where?

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Anti-spyware? Where? Where?

I use lavasoft ad-aware 6. I love it. Doesn't block but finds it and lets you delete it.

Lavasoft Ad-Aware 6

~lucky

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Thanks. I'll give it a try.

 

[minsue]

To all my friends, thanks to you for sending me e-mail chain letters:


* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle
infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial
a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to
Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they
contain may turn me gay.

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing
other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are
bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will
get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at anyone no matter how hot or
interesting they are, for fear that they will take my kidneys and leave
me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 freaking
times!!!!!!!! Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...go figure.

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000
that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in
their special e-mail program.

* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid
vacation to Disneyland. the free postage or any or the gift
certificates to Red Lobster or Cracker Barrel restaurants.

But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I
broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from Hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in
the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you tonight at 7pm.

 

[Guest]

 

[thebullet]

Here are jokes I remember from the 5th grade (about 1959):

Mommy, Mommy, I don't like this tomato juice.
Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running around in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mrs. Jones, can Tommy go swimming with us?
You brat. You know his iron lung can't float.

Mrs. Smith, can Johnny come out and play baseball with us?
You brat. Johnny doesn't have any arms or legs.
I know. We want to use him as second base.

Not that's politically incorrect.

Tom Swifties: In days of yore, there was a book series for young boys about "Tom Swift, boy inventor". The author way overused adverbs. So 'Tom Swifties' came to be.

An innocuous example: "I love Christmas", said Tom presently.

Other Tom Swifties:
"I lost at Russian roulette", said Tom absentmindedly.
"There's no bathroom in this stadium", said Tom understandingly.
"Where is that crocodile?", asked Captain Hook offhandedly.

 

[DVS]

That's an old George Carlin Joke!

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "I Say, you ARE a good sport."

 

[DVS]

This is NOT true! I'm bald, so #13 is not possible. It's not fair. But, I can make a rather nice Bozo the clown!

Glad it made you laugh, Perdita.

This is quite amusing, too...

How To Shower Like a Man

Short version:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)

8. Wash your face.

9. Wash your armpits.

10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.

11. Wash your ass.

12. Shampoo your hair. (Do not use conditioner.)

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.

15. Pee.

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

Long version:

Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap.

 

[snooper]

Tom Swifties: In days of yore, there was a book series for young boys about "Tom Swift, boy inventor". The author way overused adverbs. So 'Tom Swifties' came to be.

Because of the adverbs they were called "Tom Swiftlys" and the archetype was "Hurry up!" said Tom, swiftly.

My favourite was:

"I haven't got any money," said Tom, brokenly.

 

[snooper]

Topical and sick and politically incorrect, and worse in Queens English only.

What's the difference between a Spanaird and a Smarty?

A Smarty does not melt in the tube.

 

[Guest]

This is NOT true! I'm bald, so #13 is not possible. It's not fair. But, I can make a rather nice Bozo the clown!

Awww! Here, have some *hugs*.

I'd like to see your "Bozo the Clown", but go easy, clowns always freak me out.

Lou

P.S. Snoop: yes, that was very sick. Almost as bad as that MP's joke about the Chinese at Morecambe Bay.

 

[lewdandlicentious]

Here's a really bad one:


How do you know when your Sister has her period???







Your Dad's cock tastes funny!

 

[Guest]

Here's a really bad one:


How do you know when your Sister has her period???







Your Dad's cock tastes funny!

YUCK! FFS, Lew!!!!

Lou

 

[lewdandlicentious]

At last,

You got Lew-Lou right!

Well done!

 

[Guest]

At last,

You got Lew-Lou right!

Well done!

Yes, dear, I know my place.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

Here are jokes I remember from the 5th grade (about 1959):

Mommy, Mommy, I don't like this tomato juice.
Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running around in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mrs. Jones, can Tommy go swimming with us?
You brat. You know his iron lung can't float.

Mrs. Smith, can Johnny come out and play baseball with us?
You brat. Johnny doesn't have any arms or legs.
I know. We want to use him as second base.

Not that's politically incorrect.

Mommy Mommy I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and keep eating.

 

[DVS]

This isn't politically incorrect, but it was a second grade joke 10 years ago. Now, it's probably a kindergarden joke!

Do you know how the Dairy Queen got pregnant?

The Burger King pulled out his big Whopper!


I've got lots of dumb blond jokes, but I hesitate to start this thread down that path. It can be a slippery slope, you know.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

What does the blonde say when she sees a banana peel on the floor?

"Oh, no! I'm gonna fall!"

 

[DVS]

7 DEGREES OF BLONDE!

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him having sex with a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.

 

[DVS]

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

 

[DVS]

Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?

Because at 69 they blow a rod...

 

[DVS]

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

She didn't want to get Hearing Aides.