Politically incorrect jokes
- Thread starter Wildcard Ky
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Wildcard Ky
Southern culture liason
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Boota said:I have an aunt who is from Kentucky and she gets really mad if someone tells a Kentucky joke. I always substitute a general redneck for any joke of that type when she's around.
The last Kentucky joke I heard was:
Q: How do you circumcise a boy from Kentucky?
A: Kick his sister in the back of the head.
LMAO!!
I never take anything like "Ky Jokes" personally. To me it's just good fun.
lucky-E-leven
Aphrodisiaddict
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FOR PERDITA
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
~lucky
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
~lucky
minsue
Gosling
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This isn't really politically incorrect since distaste of politics is the one thing most people can agree on, but what the hell? 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
minsue
Gosling
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To make up for that last one I'll offer up one more. Still related to politics (really, can you expect anything else. Look at the source.), but at least this one has the possibility of offending someone or everyone or whatever. (I'm BORED!)
Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
SeaCat
Hey, my Halo is smoking
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Okay, let's be cmpletely un-PC
How do you seperate the men from the boys in Italy?
With a crow-bar.
Three older gentlemen are sitting around talking about how they want to die. The first sixty years old claims he wants to die quickly, in an auto accident.
The second eighty years old says that sounds interesting, but he want's to go out in a blaze of glory. He wants to go out in an airplane crash.
The third, ninety five years old, admits that he would like to go out quickly as well. But he says, I want to be shot by a jelouse husband.
SeaCat
How do you seperate the men from the boys in Italy?
With a crow-bar.
Three older gentlemen are sitting around talking about how they want to die. The first sixty years old claims he wants to die quickly, in an auto accident.
The second eighty years old says that sounds interesting, but he want's to go out in a blaze of glory. He wants to go out in an airplane crash.
The third, ninety five years old, admits that he would like to go out quickly as well. But he says, I want to be shot by a jelouse husband.
SeaCat
lucky-E-leven
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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
They're hiring.
What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
minsue
Gosling
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American Women...Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen!
We need to get this message out. Please, America needs your help!
The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.
The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.
God bless America.
Signed,
William Jefferson Clinton
ps to Lucky - You're goin to hell for that first one, but I'm right there with you because I laughed my ass off.
We need to get this message out. Please, America needs your help!
The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.
The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.
God bless America.
Signed,
William Jefferson Clinton
ps to Lucky - You're goin to hell for that first one, but I'm right there with you because I laughed my ass off.
lucky-E-leven
Aphrodisiaddict
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I must live in the safest neighborhood in America then. I streak the neighborhood nightly! Only, I don't do it right at 7:00 p.m. I change it up each night to keep those wily terrorists guessing!
* * *
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
* * *
p.s. Minsue...that's not the only reason I'm going to hell, but if you're coming with me then it outta be one rip-roaring good time!
* * *
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
* * *
p.s. Minsue...that's not the only reason I'm going to hell, but if you're coming with me then it outta be one rip-roaring good time!
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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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lucky-E-leven said:
I'll help shoveling the coal...
lucky-E-leven
Aphrodisiaddict
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Svenskaflicka said:I'll help shoveling the coal...
Hee hee! The funny thing about that one is I passed right over it the first time and didn't get it. Not until I read it out loud and then knew I had to share. Still makes me laugh and I've seen it at least fifteen times now.
Lucky, Flicka and Minsue..........Hell is gonna ROCK!
~lucky
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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Have you heard Rowan Atkinson's monologue "Welcome to Hell"?
It has me rofling!
It has me rofling!
lucky-E-leven
Aphrodisiaddict
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Svenskaflicka said:
No, where can I find it? I want to be rofling too!
~lucky
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WHAT KIND OF SEX DO YOU HAVE?
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was angled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Lou
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was angled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Lou
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Too precious for words.Tatelou said:
Perdita
SadieRose
Really Experienced
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- 283
Okay... these r tacky.
What do you call a loose whore with Syphillis, AIDs and no rubbers?
A Carrier Bag.
What do you call a loose whore without syphillis, AIDs and rubbers?
A Lucky Bag.
What do you call a whore who just married her richest client?
A Shopping Bag.
What do you call a whore who won't drop her pants or go down?
A Hand Bag!!
I'll stop now.
xx.Sadie
What do you call a loose whore with Syphillis, AIDs and no rubbers?
A Carrier Bag.
What do you call a loose whore without syphillis, AIDs and rubbers?
A Lucky Bag.
What do you call a whore who just married her richest client?
A Shopping Bag.
What do you call a whore who won't drop her pants or go down?
A Hand Bag!!
I'll stop now.
xx.Sadie
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angela146 said:
Yep! It took years of training, but I've finally got him acting like a semi-decent human being.
Lou
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lewdandlicentious
I AM THE ALTAR
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The groom and the best man are standing at the altar, awaiting the arrival of the bridal party.
The groom has the biggest grin on his face.
The best man notices and asks, "Why the grin? I know it's your wedding day an' all, but why so wide?"
The groom replies, "Man, just an hour ago, the girl I'm about to marry gave me the best blow-job of my entire fucking life. She was awesome, and she's marrying me. I'm a lucky guy, and the rest of my life is gonna be so good!"
At the other end of the church, the bridal party is assembling.
The bride also has a huge grin on her face.
The chief bridesmaid notices and asks her reason.
The bride replies, "Life is about to get so good for me. I've just given my last ever blow-job!"
Lewd
The groom has the biggest grin on his face.
The best man notices and asks, "Why the grin? I know it's your wedding day an' all, but why so wide?"
The groom replies, "Man, just an hour ago, the girl I'm about to marry gave me the best blow-job of my entire fucking life. She was awesome, and she's marrying me. I'm a lucky guy, and the rest of my life is gonna be so good!"
At the other end of the church, the bridal party is assembling.
The bride also has a huge grin on her face.
The chief bridesmaid notices and asks her reason.
The bride replies, "Life is about to get so good for me. I've just given my last ever blow-job!"
Lewd
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lewdandlicentious said:
I don't get that one.
Katie-Lou
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PierceStreet said:
Hahaha!
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