Please help...

[TheWanderer]

I'm posting on behalf of Sue (Little Girl), she's having a very real problem. She's asked if I can post for her, she doesn't have the strength to do so right now.

It seems the man she was talking to through e-mails while he was overseas came home last week, only instead of giving her the opening stages of a true D/s relationship... he gave her one day of physical pleasure, only to get up and begin a hasty retreat once she said she loved him. He didn't call, gives her the runaround, and won't give her a straight answer about what (if anything) he felt when with her.

I've held Sue while she cried for the last 9 days, and it's killing me. I will always be there as her friend, but it's very difficult to help her work through this. She says she still feels owned by him, not because he showed her dominance or proved his worth as a Master... but because she gave her gift of submission to him in her heart once he got here, based on the words he sent while still overseas.

The majority of the material I've read has to do with being dominant, and while I've read some on the matter of submission - sadly, this is way out of my field, and while I can try to be a good friend to her... her question remains, how can she find her release from him if he can't be bothered to just say "I'm sorry, I'm just not your Master"?

Thanks in advance to everyone...

Christopher

 

[Red Menace]

I have no answers for finding release, but please give Little Girl my condolences on this heart-breaking situation.

 

[~Dream~]

so sorry..

for your friend... I can only imagine the pain she is in ... all I can really say here is that since the pain is still fresh.. the hurt .. it will take time for her to properly heal, but If the TRUST was broken ,and by what He DID it has been, her submission was abused, then I wold say she should consider herself released ,the real answers must come from within her tho.."time heals all wounds sweety ,and my prayer thoughts are with you ...
~Dream~

 

[bunny bondage]

you're a good friend, wanderer, and having been emailing you i get the sense that you're a nice fella! as a sub, i feel her pain, and understand the sense of totally giving yourself to someone only to have them "fuck and run". this guy seems like he isn't worthy of her gift, and while i'm sure she feels otherwise, he might not even be man enough to give her the closure she needs. i know it might seem harsh, but only time can heal these wounds, and the grief she's experiencing is a part of the healing process. most importantly, she has to purge her heart of him and realize that he's not the man she had come to know through email. of course, perhaps he really is just scared of commitment, and this can all be worked out if she just talks to him, but if he blows her off (refuses to return her calls or see her) then she might just have to face the hard truth that she has been lied to and given her heart to a man who totally doesn't deserve it. i guess my advice would be for her to talk to the guy, bluntly, and ask him about his intentions with her. if he doesn't love her, and doesn't want to be with her, there's nothing she can do to change that.

 

[TheWanderer]

i guess my advice would be for her to talk to the guy, bluntly, and ask him about his intentions with her. if he doesn't love her, and doesn't want to be with her, there's nothing she can do to change that.

Well, see... that's just it! She's tried talking to him, he doesn't call when he says he will, doesn't show up when he's agreed to... she had to corner him (standing in the doorway) earlier this week and all but demand, 'What do you want?!' for him to make his feelings known.

...even then, it was hemming and hawing... but the intention for him not to pursue something 'real' with her was unmistakable...

She only get to talk to him when she calls him, he always shows up late (for a guy who says if you aren't 10 min early, you're late), sometimes hours late... He has clearly shown he is not a true Master, not a man who will look out for the trust and communication needs of the woman he professes to have cared about when he was overseas.

:sigh, scowl:

 

[artful]

I'm posting on behalf of Sue (Little Girl), she's having a very real problem. She's asked if I can post for her, she doesn't have the strength to do so right now.

It seems the man she was talking to through e-mails while he was overseas came home last week, only instead of giving her the opening stages of a true D/s relationship... he gave her one day of physical pleasure, only to get up and begin a hasty retreat once she said she loved him. He didn't call, gives her the runaround, and won't give her a straight answer about what (if anything) he felt when with her.

I've held Sue while she cried for the last 9 days, and it's killing me. I will always be there as her friend, but it's very difficult to help her work through this. She says she still feels owned by him, not because he showed her dominance or proved his worth as a Master... but because she gave her gift of submission to him in her heart once he got here, based on the words he sent while still overseas.

The majority of the material I've read has to do with being dominant, and while I've read some on the matter of submission - sadly, this is way out of my field, and while I can try to be a good friend to her... her question remains, how can she find her release from him if he can't be bothered to just say "I'm sorry, I'm just not your Master"?

Thanks in advance to everyone...

Christopher

Hi again Sue,...and you too Chris. This is exactly what happens ALL too often in LDR'S. Someone gets USED. The good thing is perhaps,... NO one was PHYSICALLY abused, (and it could JUST as easily been THAT also), or even worse.

Emotional trauma is difficult for any of us to cope with. Our EXPECTATIONS don't get met, we get disappointed, we try to affix the blame SOMEWHERE, ...ANYWHERE.

I am much to slow at typing to really be of help on this matter, but I do remember both of you well.

Jumping into a BDSM relationship without really UNDERSTANDING the committment of BOTH parties involved, will usually end up with it failing. We at this Forum can't really *fix* things for Sue,...or anyone else.

We can say the same thing over and over, about HOW one needs to take their time, excercise patience, communicate, gain knowledge, dig down DEEP within our "Inner Truths", etc., etc., etc.

Sometimes, each of us have to take the lesson over and over, time and again, before it FINALLY gets through our thick skulls.

As for what can SHE do,...what can YOU do to help Sue? Give her your shoulder, give her compassion and understanding, give her time, give her patience.

Try to HELP her SEE what her inner TRUTHS really are, listen to her, and by no means, do not EVER agree with ANYONE, trying to *justify* a wrong, (it's POSSIBLE she is at FAULT, not him).

The world is FULL of liars and deceivers, CAUTION should ALWAYS be used and, yada, yada, yada. That kind of advice, (AFTER the event,...doesn't help the victim).

Also,...be aware you have only heard *HER* side of the story. I wish you both well, and I am sorry both of you have to DEAL with this,...but time, is OFTEN the best healer.

 

[bunny bondage]

...even then, it was hemming and hawing... but the intention for him not to pursue something 'real' with her was unmistakable...

awww man....sounds like he's not worth her time. (yes, i only have one side of the story, but that's all that's available to me so i'm making my advice-giving decisions based on that) i think she might have to bite the bullet, cry a lot, count herself wiser for the experience, and eventually get over him.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Re: Re: Please help...

>snip<
This is exactly what happens ALL too often in LDR'S. Someone gets USED. The good thing is perhaps,... NO one was PHYSICALLY abused, (and it could JUST as easily been THAT also), or even worse.
This happens in both LDR's and RL relationships. Its a fact of life unfortunetly. There are those who only wish to use and move on.



>snip<

Jumping into a BDSM relationship without really UNDERSTANDING the committment of BOTH parties involved, will usually end up with it failing. We at this Forum can't really *fix* things for Sue,...or anyone else.
Maybe this "Dom", really isn't a Dom after all. Could it be that he was only giving this impression to experience BDSM? Then once trying it, found that it was more than he could handle???

>snip<

Sometimes, each of us have to take the lesson over and over, time and again, before it FINALLY gets through our thick skulls.
tough words, but Art speaks the truth. Have Sue read his thread on disappointments.


>snip<
The world is FULL of liars and deceivers, CAUTION should ALWAYS be used and, yada, yada, yada. That kind of advice, (AFTER the event,...doesn't help the victim).
Boy, truer words have never been spoken! Its tough sometimes to sift thru the the liars and deceivers, to find those who speak from the heart. I don't have an answer on how one does this, only the advise to listen to that small voice deep inside.

Also,...be aware you have only heard *HER* side of the story. I wish you both well, and I am sorry both of you have to DEAL with this,...but time, is OFTEN the best healer.

Yes, Sue's side of the story is all that we here know, but in any case whether she is to blame, or him; she needs to know that we all have been in her position at one time or another. Life goes on. You cry a bit, curse a lot, and then move on. I wish the best for her as well. She's not alone in what she's feeling. And Chris, you're a wonderful friend to stick beside her. She's blessed to have someone as yourself there to pick up the pieces.


-kym-at MY-Sir's feet in only 4 days!

 

[zipman]

<snip>
She says she still feels owned by him, not because he showed her dominance or proved his worth as a Master... but because she gave her gift of submission to him in her heart once he got here, based on the words he sent while still overseas.

The majority of the material I've read has to do with being dominant, and while I've read some on the matter of submission - sadly, this is way out of my field, and while I can try to be a good friend to her... her question remains, how can she find her release from him if he can't be bothered to just say "I'm sorry, I'm just not your Master"?

Thanks in advance to everyone...

Christopher

Hey Wanderer,

A sub has every right to release herself from a relationship as a Dom/me has to release a sub. If a Dom/me did not value her submission, she can simply retract it. Based on what I have read here, that is an easily understandable action by LittleGirl. I wish her the best.

 

[lovetoread]

In my opinion,he has already shown that he doesnt want her at all,much less in a D/s relationship.

He is a rat.

Tell her that he is not worth her time nor her trouble, to stop chasing him down,and move on.

It hurts,but it also should have taught a valuable lesson.

Tell her that I wish her well.

 

[TheWanderer]

The Conclusion

After a long and mostly-sleepless night, Sue decided she would call him this morning and ask for her gift back. While he couldn't say much (apparently his family was around), he released her, saying he only wanted the friendship they had before he went overseas.

Yes, it hurt a bit, most medicine does.. but it cures the wound and begins the healing. A huge weight is now off her shoulders, the hints of a smile are taking shape.

I'm glad he finally did the right thing by her, and made closure a lot easier. This was the first person she gave her submission to, so these were brutal lessons to be learned - but fortunately, Sue is never the kind of person not to learn her lessons.

Thank you all for the words, it certainly helped motivate her to take the step towards healing.

With all our gratitude,
Christopher & Sue

 

[Little Girl]

Thank you

Thanks to all for your advice and support.

 

[artful]

Re: Thank you

I appreciate all the inputs to his posts, and thank all of you for taking the time to point out the obvious, that I so blindly overlooked when I jumped in with both feet.

This is a lesson hard learned but one I will not soon forget. Again, thank you so much.

Sue,...it's good to see you are recovering, and I hope to see you post more as time allows, Chris also. There IS,...a wealth of information in the threads of this Forum.

As I have time, I go back and search the threads for topics that hold information of interest to ME.

Yourself and Chris may NOT have noticed, but at the top of our Forum page, Nemoalia has a *sticky* Library thread added, and it is a GREAT tool for searching the threads by TOPIC.

Please avail yourself to use this UNIQUE tool, that will make your search efforts much more easily done. Again,...it's good to see you BOTH back here. Don't be strangers now!

 

[Trainerman]

Sue..... Well done for finding the strength to tackle this guy and then to start moving forward. To take an earlier point, I don't think this has anything to do with your "abilities to be a good submissive ", but rather with HIS inadequacies...or lies..or both !!

These things happen in all sorts of relationships, not just BDSM. There are many liers and deceivers in this world so just 'don't let the bastards grind you down'!

My best wishes for your future.
Chris (Wanderer)...you are one of the good guys, Sue is indeed fortunate to have such a friend.

Dave

 

[~Dream~]

Re; sir-to-k

Sue..... Well done for finding the strength to tackle this guy and then to start moving forward. To take an earlier point, I don't think this has anything to do with your "abilities to be a good submissive ", but rather with HIS inadequacies...or lies..or both !!

These things happen in all sorts of relationships, not just BDSM. There are many liers and deceivers in this world so just 'don't let the bastards grind you down'!

My best wishes for your future.
Chris (Wanderer)...you are one of the good guys, Sue is indeed fortunate to have such a friend.

Dave

____________________________
I agree totally with Sir sweety ,you are a great person and a "good" sub " ,there are just a few darn wolves in sheep's clothing out there and that asshole was 1 of them ,I am sorry that He CHOSE to hurt you but as they say what goes around ... one can only wish .. He was NOT a Dom at all just an inadequate jerk!!

 

[Ebonyfire]

I am sad at what happened. It is no consolation to say it happens more often than it should, cause once is too much in my mind.


Ebony

 

[MissTaken]

Yes, it happens all too often wherein we find ourselves more invested in a relationship than our partner.

Manipulation is never a good thing.

Finding closure is.

You have closure and I sense it has been effective.

After all, how can we move on, move forward , learn from our mistakes while we are still involved....with or wihtout his involvement.

Yes, I , too, have been in a similar situation on the vanilla side. Now, part of the getting to know one another phase, I clearly state that we are both adults. If it isn't going to work, I expect to be the first to know from you and will be equally as open in return.



Good luck.

 

[Mr. Bootie]

I just saw this thread. First Hats off to Wanderer

What a friend you were in all this. I tip my hat to you.

Yes Now that we have closure the healing can begin. You have us to lean on as you are going through this.


((HUGS))




kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

 

[Goddess Helena]

Re: Re; sir-to-k

I agree totally with Sir sweety ,you are a great person and a "good" sub " ,there are just a few darn wolves in sheep's clothing out there and that asshole was 1 of them ,I am sorry that He CHOSE to hurt you but as they say what goes around ... one can only wish .. He was NOT a Dom at all just an inadequate jerk!!

Arriving late as usual, I agree with Dream. This person was not a Dom. This person was not a real man, either. That is not how descent people behave.

Little Girl, with time and care, you will find someone worthy of your gift of submission.

Wanderer, I'm glad that you and Little Girl have each as friends to help each other. You are a wonderful friend to her.


Helena

 

[Little Girl]

Final Chapter

I know it will take time, but with time all things will heal. Things did not go as I had hoped, but I did learn some valuable lessons and I have met some wonderful people because of knowing him.

 

[Lancecastor]

Re: Final Chapter

I appreciate all the kind words and well wishes......

Little Girl;
Having listened to this story for months from Wanderer, I have
three pieces of advice for you to consider:

1.You should take the time to read the Wanderer's posts about you sometime.

2.Make sure you don't take advantage of his feelings and friendship for you.

3.Take full responsibility for your actions.

All the best;

Lance

 

[Rubyfruit]

Re: Final Chapter

...I will not be sucked in by mere words again and unless I can look in someone's eyes and see the truth ...

Don't beat yourself up about this, Sue. Words are incredibly powerful and it's hard not to be affected by them.