Please Don’t Read….

[Facelessxghost]

This is going to be my outlet. My way of sending whatever vibes/energy/thoughts/randomness out of myself and into the world. Broadcasting really for no one and anyone but most of it won’t make sense and most of you will not care on anything I have to say.

Either way I am fine with that. I needed a semi private place or atleast one where no one knows me in the sense of being a semi prolific person in my “community” or “scene”. No judgement. No real filter. Just random garbage.

 

[Facelessxghost]

tonight, I needed to get this off of my chest. I love, love. Almost everything about it I can honestly say I love it. The feelings, the thoughts, the excitement, and yes, even the bad parts because I always know love will prevail and love conquers all. I love so much that I have been in love with multiple girls at overlapping times. This is where I begin.

Over the course of my existence, I would say I have truly loved 4 girls unconditionally. The first one was my first wife who we met in 1998 and stayed together for 12 years. High school sweethearts. We loved each other (safe to say we still do) but grew apart as most people do and especially when you are evolving through young adult, into adulthood. I feel safe to say it was inevitable and the proper thing to happen. We have both grown since then. The second person I loved was during the dating phase of my first wife. This girl made my insides catch fire in the best way possible. She made me dance like I was in a 1940’s movie where there was constant dancing/singing numbers. We slow danced under the streetlights. She took me in when I was in trouble and could not go home. I cleaned her place when she went to work just to show how appreciative I was. I would have ran away with this girl and never looked back. Dropped everything I was doing at that time. I told her I loved her and her response was “don’t tell me that” in the context it was she felt the same way but could not reciprocate. We ceased to exist. I still hear a handful of bands that takes me right back to her warm energy. She hates me these days. Whole other story.

My third love is my current wife whom I love dearly. We have been together over a decade and it works. She is so afraid of life itself that I don’t believe she is actually living. Just a form of existence and I don’t know how to break her out of that. It wasn’t always like that but that is the current situation. I don’t see myself without her. A real “partner in crime” if you will. I am convinced she will be the one who kills me when I eventually expire from this world. I’m only half kidding on this previous statement.

Here is the meat of the post. My 4th love is the one I have never had and as far as I know will never have. To get an idea of the situation it goes like this. She played in a band and I booked her band a show in my city when they were on tour. We met and I was smitten. This lady was so nice to me and very grateful as could be to have the opportunity to play. This girl has it all. Unbelievably gorgeous, brains for days, into the same music, political and religious beliefs align, etc etc. this was in the mid 2000’s when MySpace was a thing. We kept friends after the show as we live on opposite ends of the country. We lose connection fairly quickly as we were in two different circles. We rekindle our friendship via social media pre pandemic and these feelings resurface. She ends up getting married to a guy that I felt was not even worthy of breathing the same air as her and definitely could not even come close to truly appreciating how ungodly amazing she is. Up to this point I have never told her about me crushing on her or having feelings but I accidentally let a text slip that we will refer to as “word vomit”. Innocent enough of a text but I knew where I stood atleast at the time it happened. Context was she told me she would Hooke me up with one of her friends because my marriage seemed to be ending. I tell her that I could not let my dream girl try to set me up. BIG MISTAKE. she texted me back telling me how inappropriate that was since she was married and stopped talking to me for a while. I was fucking crushed and literally fell into a depression. A few months go by and she starts talking to me again almost like nothing happened. I don’t risk confronting this issue head on because hearing this woman talk or even texting me has me smitten. I am in love with this woman. How can I tell? Because I don’t just think about fucking her. I think about all the experiences we could have together. How my heart skips a beat anytime she randomly texts or calls me. How she is the person I think of daily before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning. I sometimes thinks she feels the same way but is such a loyal human being that she would never let anything happen.

I wish I knew how she felt. I wish I wasn’t such an awkward and scared human being to get all of that out of the way.

I feel stuck. I hate this feeling. I have a decent relationship now with my wife so I don’t want to end things. I don’t honestly know if I would leave my wife for this gal. I don’t have anyone I could tell this so this is my outlet. My release. My journal that people can read but won’t because who gives a fuck about me. I don’t mean that in a negative way to anyone or myself but I know what this is and what I am. Insignificant to anyones else’s world. Their personal bubble has no room for someone like me. Especially the gal I am in love with.

To say the least I feel so god damn lonely because I know the potential I could have equally knowing the negative potential it could have just as easily.

Consider this rant over.

For the TLDR version:

I’m married, in love with two girls. Similar situation in my younger days. I’m a dumb male but I do it out of love, not just to fuck.

 

[Facelessxghost]

a glimmer of hope.
Wishful thinking it could stay
The trouble with hope
It quickly wains away…

 

[Nicefella]

Hang in there friend.