Pleas, please, help.

[In Anticipation]

This will sound really weird, but what type of underware is she wearing?

Thongs can cause constant bladder infections. The Dr's love 'em, as it boost business.

Many types of medication can also cause a change in sex drive.


That being said, many times a women will go thru different drives at different ages. She hasn't even yet begun to hit her peak - just wait until she hits her 30's!

Doctors like their patients to get UTIs? That's bizzare, here we mostly have doctors who prefer their patients to be healthy.

 

[SweetErika]

Doctors like their patients to get UTIs? That's bizzare, here we mostly have doctors who prefer their patients to be healthy.

Nah, it's not the doctors, it's really the drug companies. More UTIs = More profits on antibiotics and other drugs.

Or, it could be a government conspiracy. Evil world leaders are promoting antibiotic resistance so one day they can kill most of us commoners off with superbugs. The leaders and their covert list of chosen ones are going to wait out the Armageddon in their uber-secret bunkers until the danger of infection has passed. That is, unless their drug company minions have come up with a vaccine or cure for said superbugs...then they'll hide in plain sight while we all wither away!

Of course I haven't quite figured out why they'd want to do this, or what other powers they might be conspiring with yet, but it's only a matter of time before their motives become crystal clear.

*Forms and dons a tin-foil hat*







(Just in case anyone fails to see my tongue firmly planted in cheek.)

 

[Davidson23]

Wow, again thanks for all the opinions. I understand that you gus don't know much about our relationship, so I'll try to go more in depth about all this. I'm at the office, so I'll try to right this in minutes at a time.

I'm from a European country. She's American. I got here 2 and a half years ago, and before that we were together for six months back in my country. These kind of long-distance relationships don't work unless one of them commits to go where the other one is, so she came to my country, but it didn't work out since I was studying and she had the language barrier (not completely fluent). So I agree to come to the States without nothing NOTHING about how to speak the language.

Here's where I'm trying to go with this. Before I got here, we spoke my language, so the conversations weren't too deep. Someone in page one asked me if I asked her about toys and stuff like that or I just assumed she'd get into that. Well...I really don't think that having asked her about playing with toys within several weeks into our relationship would have been a good idea.

It looks like wonce I got here, we got to really know each other, and she's not really that much into sex. But here's the key point: She's not much into sex as she WAS back in my country for six months. I don't feel like I've been lied to, but it certainly is a different sex drive. Like day and night.

Several other people have talked about how we might have another problem within the relationship, a bigger problem. Well, that's another side of this thing that grinds my gears. She IS happy. I can totally see that. She loves me, she tells me all the time, she's happy with the life we have, she does not have any problems besides the usual (job being boring, etc). We don't have ANY economic problems, my mother in law is pretty much rich. We are not even 30 and the house we have is already half paid off. We're doing fine.

Which goes along to my other point: She does not seem to care. She's happy with everything the way it is , and only talks about the problem if I approach it, which makes it look like I'm pushing and pushing and pushing, when I'm not, I'm just trying to solve it! A couple of times I've gotten the "You're not being supportive". That kills me. Since I got here, we've been going through these problem. Almost three years of having sex twice every three weeks. I am a several times per week kind of guy. I try to talk about this when I see that several weeks go by with nothing, and I'm not being supportive? Come on.

So, here is the thing. I REALLY doubt she's unhappy. Actually, it makes me upset that she's soooo happy and she doesn't think like this is such a big deal, that we just need to get through it. She says things will get better, but she's been saying that for over two years.

By the way, she does not wear any thongs or anything. She wears regular underwear. She has one thong--which I love and she knows it...she wore it once.

I don't know, guys. It's so frustrating. If I shut up, I'll end up bottling up all this and exploding and getting the fuck out of here one day. If I say something, I'm not being supportive. If I try to get something on the side, I'm an asshole.

And to finish, another example of how little she cares. She's been taking these pills that she has to take for one week, it's supposed to be something that will take care of the infection she has, it's a shock treatment and it should take care of the problem. She said she should be fine by this next weekend. Yesterday, she told me that her mother and her brother are coming to town to spend the weekend with us--Friday through Monday. They were just here two weeks ago, for the weekend. Do you guys see what I mean. Agh.

Wow, sorry for such a long post.

 

[In Anticipation]

Wow, again thanks for all the opinions. I understand that you gus don't know much about our relationship, so I'll try to go more in depth about all this. I'm at the office, so I'll try to right this in minutes at a time.. . . .

And to finish, another example of how little she cares. She's been taking these pills that she has to take for one week, it's supposed to be something that will take care of the infection she has, it's a shock treatment and it should take care of the problem. She said she should be fine by this next weekend. Yesterday, she told me that her mother and her brother are coming to town to spend the weekend with us--Friday through Monday. They were just here two weeks ago, for the weekend. Do you guys see what I mean. Agh.

Wow, sorry for such a long post.

I think there is something else going on here. It could be she is nervous that if you have sex more often it will trigger the problem again. However, you do need to be sympathetic, it's easy for you to look like an asshole if you seem to her to only be worrying about your lack of sex.

Is there plenty of affection between you?

Can she be physical with you without it being seen by you as a prelude to sex?

My advice is that somewhere along the way you are not communicating well, perhaps you should see a counsellor (together.)

 

[Davidson23]

Well, I don't know if she can be phyisical with me without leading to sex, since she never does. There is plenty of affection between us. I guess the thing is that we have the "perfect marriage" except of the sex.

 

[SoleDesire]

Bhtt

I have been in the exact same position as your wife -- I went through MONTHS of horrible, painful bladder infections that could go from no symptoms to excruciating pain and bleeding within HOURS. And you do start to avoid sex, really anything that could cause it. Add to it the yeast cycle and the convent starts to look really good.

Two possibilities struck me when reading your post. One is that she never really got rid of the first bladder infection, it's just sort of going dormant periodically. The symptoms go away, bacteria count drops, she thinks it's over. Then it comes back with a vengeance when she has sex or otherwise irritates things.

Sometimes with this cycle another problem starts happing -- bladder spasms. It's because the urethra and bladder become hypersensitized, either because of the ongoing inflammation from recurrent infections or because of an autoimmune problem called interstitial cystitis. The spasms can occur any time blood flow to the pelvis increases, which could cause you to even avoid getting aroused.

The only way you can know what's going on is to get your wife to the doctor -- not a GP or even an OB/Gyn. She wants someone who specializes in women's urology. I cannot say enough good things about these people. In my case, treatment involved a procedure called hydrocystoscopy and then treatment with antibiotics and antispasmodic drugs. It took about a month for me to get back to normal. But if I hadn't had the hydrocystoscopy, I'd probably still be messing around with antibiotic cycles.

I can understand how frustrating this is for you. However, don't just assume she doesn't care. She may simply not know what to do and just being trying to go on with the things in her life that DO work (like family visits) -- a lot of GPs can't spot these problems. If you read the wikipedia entry for interstitial cystitis, it compares the quality of life for IC sufferers to that of people with kidney failure. I'm assuming you love this woman or you wouldn't have married her. Don't you think you owe it to both of you to make sure there really isn't a medical issue here?

 

[In Anticipation]

Well, I don't know if she can be phyisical with me without leading to sex, since she never does. There is plenty of affection between us. I guess the thing is that we have the "perfect marriage" except of the sex.

I meant physical affection. Have I got this right though, you're never physical with each other without sex? No holding, touching, cuddling?

Soledesire makes some good points too. If you start to associate sex with bringing on a painful condition it's not going to make you horny . . .

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Wow, it seems you have both made a lot of hard decisions in order to be together and I'm glad that for the most part it's working out.

My ex was Portuguese and although he spoke good English and I learned good Portuguese, neither of us was completely fluent. This added an extra layer to any difficulties we were having with our relationship because no matter how hard you try, nuances of expression are lost and misunderstandings occur.

If fact, in my experience, misunderstandings are more likely to occur after you've been together for a while, know each other well and almost forget that any language issues exist between you.

Your English is very good by the way, I'm not criticising it at all. I just think that if she's reluctant to discuss things and you start filling in the blanks, you're more likely to be a little off base than if you were both Americans or vice versa.

 

[Davidson23]

Oh yeah, we cuddle and hold hands and all that. Last Saturday we were in the TV room watching episodes of Entourage and holding hands all Saturday night. Liks I said, everything is perfect except the sex.

Thanks for the compliment. I know my English could use some improvement, but I am happy that I've gone from no English whatsoever to this in over two years. I just won a wirting contest in my university actually

 

[Duvet_Thief]

I agree that if she's had these nasty physical reactions in the past I could understand her dreading sex...

I know you think she doesn't care, but she probably feels does feel guilty that she's not having sex, and knows you're frustrated. But when you feel rotten that takes priority...

If she is still taking pills for the infection, just try being ultra supportive about her health, back off about the sex issue for a bit, and make it clear to her that your priority is getting her well again, rather than boosting your sex life.

Good luck!

 

[aimouse]

I wouldn't suggest this is the core of your problems buy for a lot of people, having sex several times a week is unusually frequent & once a fortnight (or even once a month) is normal.
Admittedly there are obviously other issues here, but IMO it's something to bear in mind in the long term.

I'm not trying to be flippant, but have you tried increasing the amount you masturbate?
If you relieve your own urges, (WITHOUT ANYONE ELSE!) you might help take some pressure off your wife. And she doesn't need to hear "I'm wanking so you don't need to fuck me" as that could add to the pressure.
It's not ideal but it works for me. /

And a thought on condoms - could she be allergic to latex? I don't know if it's worth considering. Anyone?

I do think you need to talk the problem out. Maybe you could pitch counciling to her as something you need. Once you're both there the councellor can solicit her feelings as well as yours.

But don't give up on a marriage just because of sex. "... in sickness & in health, till death do us part ..." There's a lot more in a good relationship.

Good luck.

 

[FiestyRedHead]

You are legally married, yes?

You know, there are a lot of young women who find that once they have that certificate, they feel no desire to engage in the sexual activities that got them there.
I've no idea of the statistics, but I'm sure it's a lot higher then most men would believe.

There's a joke circulating the 'net, a photo of a man and woman in wedding garb; he's got the bubble over his head thinking he's gonna get more sex, and her thought is that that wedding ring means she's given her last BJ.

(or something that that effect)

 

[SweetErika]

Oh yeah, we cuddle and hold hands and all that. Last Saturday we were in the TV room watching episodes of Entourage and holding hands all Saturday night. Liks I said, everything is perfect except the sex.

Perfect except...
her not caring about your needs/the lack of sex.

you two not being able to communicate about this in a positive way.

her not consulting you on things like her family coming to visit again.

you being resentful over the sex life and inability to communicate and problem-solve.

Sexual incompatibility, indifference to feelings, communication problems, disrespect and resentment ARE underlying problems and can destroy a relationship.

I think you're right to be concerned/irritated at her lack of caring about your needs and unwillingness to find solutions, like doing non-intercourse activities more often. I'd be very hurt and angry if my partner brushed off my concerns, accused me of pushing when I communicated them and refused to work on other solutions.

I'd also be pissed if my husband failed to ask if it was okay for relatives to come stay with us a couple of times a month; our relationship is very important, and it seems like common courtesy to say, "My family is hoping to stay with us again this weekend. Will that work, or would another time be better?"

Anyway, since you have the financial resources, definitely find a good marriage therapist and see if s/he can help you two communicate about this, her understand that a healthy sex life is a very important part of a relationship for you and find some solutions. Two years is a long time, and it doesn't sound like you'll be happy living this way much longer if things don't start to change.

And if you ever consider getting married again, wait at least a couple of years so you can really get to know the person and see what happens when the chemicals that come with a new relationship wear off. As awful as it is to go through illnesses, traumas, losses and other difficult events, it's often the best way to see how good communication, respect, compatibility, sex and problem solving skills really are. And it usually takes at least a couple of years before some of these events pop up and people are able to figure out whether or not their relationship is likely to stand the test of time.

 

[aimouse]

I can see Erika's point on grounds to be pissed off, but how you "complain" could result in whether they get resolved.

Relationships take work & (without wishing to patronise) it's harder to see that when your young.

 

[In Anticipation]

I can see Erika's point on grounds to be pissed off, but how you "complain" could result in whether they get resolved.

Relationships take work & (without wishing to patronise) it's harder to see that when your young.

It's simply bad manners when you are living with someone to ask people over to stay without consulting them first.

I don't think you should leap to counselling in general, but there is a serious communication problem here and it's going to need third party help to break through.

 

[SweetErika]

I wouldn't suggest this is the core of your problems buy for a lot of people, having sex several times a week is unusually frequent & once a fortnight (or even once a month) is normal.
Admittedly there are obviously other issues here, but IMO it's something to bear in mind in the long term.

That's very true and a good point, aimouse.

I'd venture to say most younger men who are only getting sexual activity once or twice a month aren't very happy with that, though. Hell, I don't know a lot of women who would be thrilled with that amount, either.

We have sex about once a week. After the first year of our relationship, that's been our average. However, we throw oral/manual, mutual/assisted masturbation, erotic massage and using toys into the mix whenever someone's horny and the other wants to participate in some way.

Once a week with some other stuff periodically seems inadequate to many, I'm sure, but it's always worked out fine for us, and I expect it will for many years, even when we have a kid. We got married five years ago this month, and we'll be celebrating 10 years together in October.

Being sexually compatible is extremely important to us and I can see where incompatibility could very well be a reason for breaking up. I'd be terribly unhappy with someone who didn't want much sex or enjoy a variety of activities or celebrate my kinky nature. I'd also never enter a long term relationship without having a very good idea of what the other person was like sexually, major incompatibilities or without the thought that we'd be likely to grow together, rather than apart.

So, I think whether sexual problems is a valid reason for divorce or not is highly dependent on the individual. Some are fine with incompatibility and/or a lack of sex, but some of us are definitely not okay with it long-term.

 

[aimouse]

It's simply bad manners when you are living with someone to ask people over to stay without consulting them first.

I don't disagree, but if someone's rude to you, being rudu back is likely to just escalate into a row. Two wrongs don't make a right (as my wise old granny used to say).

 

[aimouse]

I'd venture to say most younger men who are only getting sexual activity once or twice a month aren't very happy with that

I went 3yrs with nothiny more than a wank in my early/mid 20s but it didn't kill me.

I'd be terribly unhappy with someone who didn't want much sex or enjoy a variety of activities or celebrate my kinky nature.

As was I. But I persevered with the relationship, love her, married her, have a kid on the way & envisage a long future.
I still like sex way more than she does & have far more kinks, but I deal with the differences.
My point is it's possible to be happy without having everything you'd like.

 

[In Anticipation]

I don't disagree, but if someone's rude to you, being rudu back is likely to just escalate into a row. Two wrongs don't make a right (as my wise old granny used to say).

I wasn't suggesting that, was I?

I went 3yrs with nothiny more than a wank in my early/mid 20s but it didn't kill me.


As was I. But I persevered with the relationship, love her, married her, have a kid on the way & envisage a long future.
I still like sex way more than she does & have far more kinks, but I deal with the differences.
My point is it's possible to be happy without having everything you'd like.

I like to think that my SO likes sex just as much as I do but doesn't like to admit it. I think there's a grain of truth in it somewhere, and also I think that (some) women experience more after effects from an orgasm than do men. Maybe there's another thread in this.

 

[aimouse]

Ah the joys of misinterpretation
And thead started ...

 

[Davidson23]

I just put myself in her position, and after all this time and all we've gone through the past years, she is taking this pills which should help getting rid of the problem starting this friday...and she's ok with her familiy coming home. It confuses me how little she cares whith how much she says she loves me.