Perhaps I was incorrect about being submissive?

[OceanGoddess]

To explain: I was thinking about the sort of men I tend to attract. I do not typically attract dominant sorts of men, at least once they get to know me a little bit, lol.

Maybe they think since what I do for a living requires so much confidence and assertiveness, they assume I must be rather dominant and so they aren't interested?

But then I got to thinking . . .well, ok, maybe I really *am* rather dominant and for some reason . ..maybe our culture or being afraid of seeming unfeminine, I just don't want to be labeled as such? (Just stating what some of the negative sterotypes can be.)

Then again, I don't care for labels of any sort, really. At least when I see them as restrictive of my actions or thoughts. I wouldn't want to feel restricted in my sexual activities with my partner. I realize there are likely as many forms of dom/sub relationships as there are couples out there.

For example, I wouldn't want to participate in a dom/sub relationship which would preclude something like being "taken" by my lover in a somewhat forceful way on at least some occasions~~without demanding or requesting that it happen . . .yet, the thought of penetrating my lover's delicious bum, as well as some other thoughts, makes the room spin for me lately. . .

Thanks for reading through the muck. My thoughts have been rather jumbled lately on this subject.

Any thoughts anyone?

 

[Miss Trickery]

straight up... be who you want to be... and do what makes you happy - considering the legal aspect of your actions lol

 

[OceanGoddess]

Oh yes, I'll consider the legal aspect, lol.

Meh, I think what I really need is a man who is capable of worshipping me in various ways some days and requiring I worship him on others.

Let's see: Several days a week my toes get sucked and licked, followed by a very long sensual massage, and an intense licking and fucking of the rest of my bits, and on other days, he gets whatever he desires, including anal or strapon action . . . .hmmm, this might work. Heck, why not do it all in one session?

Perhaps what I'm realizing is it's in my nature to be both dominant and submissive, just depending.

And that whatever my lover desires is a possibiity . . .

And I agree about being who I want to be and doing what makes me happy. However, since there are a few things I haven't experienced sexually, I'm still discovering who I am in that arena. (i.e. I have never used a strapon, yet that is something that increasingly intrigues me.)

 

[Miss Trickery]

I've never used a strap either - been wanting to try it on another girl for some time. And hey - it sounds like you could be a switch... that could be something you should look into.

 

[kitty4ever]

I agree that you could be a switch. I have a good girl friend who's a switch, as well as her boyfriend. They're very happy together.

When I first read your post, it hit a similar note for me, in terms of being assumed to be a dominant. I'm an Alpha personality, which works wonderfully well in my professional life. I was all ready to reassure you that you can be an Alpha personality and still be a submissive. Reading on, I realized what you descibed as wanting is a switch relationship.

Good luck.

 

[Private_Label]

To explain: I was thinking about the sort of men I tend to attract. I do not typically attract dominant sorts of men, at least once they get to know me a little bit, lol.
....

Any thoughts anyone?

I understand exactly what you mean. The dominant/self-assured type I find desirable and that I approach generally fade away after a bit, and the ones who approach me seem to be the clingy/needy type which I do not find attractive.

I am very submissive with a friend that I developed an OL relationship with after he moved away (as he was driving across country actually)...

But after reading a lot about submissiveness and dominant, and switch threads, I think I may be more of a switch than the more common varieties.

From what I have gleaned - you may just be submissive to one person and dominant to everyone else. You may be an Alpha sub- still a sub but leader of the pack (so to speak). You may be a switch, able to fill both rolls - sometimes this is person or gender oriented, and sometimes you can take both rolls with the same person.

The other thing I have learned is that being dominant in other aspects of your life, you may crave being submissive in one area of your life where you don't have to be the "one in charge."

 

[OceanGoddess]

The other thing I have learned is that being dominant in other aspects of your life, you may crave being submissive in one area of your life where you don't have to be the "one in charge."

Ah, precisely. At least some of the time . . .

 

[Recidiva]

I've had the same problem in relationships, guys who are all "bad" and just think I need some bad in my life. I don't need to import bad or good. I just need someone with flexibility and range. It's like deciding which part you want to sing...if you've got the range, do it all. Keep looking until you find someone or they find you that can do this with. It's rare, but it's out there. Keep challenging people in their set roles and maybe you'll meet folks with the courage and curiousity to explore where they thought they didn't belong, but they really want to be, at least some of the time. Find someone who doesn't sing the same tune over and over, find someone who can harmonize with anything.

 

[Softouch911]

From what I have gleaned - you may just be submissive to one person and dominant to everyone else. ...

The other thing I have learned is that being dominant in other aspects of your life, you may crave being submissive in one area of your life where you don't have to be the "one in charge."

You might be interested in a famous article by Yaldah Tovah, "The Healthy Submissive". She seems to think that your feelings are pretty much a norm.

And of course there are probably shadings. At least, I hope so ... my dominance doesn't mean that I don't sometimes relish the challenge of switching.

 

[Guest]

 

[OceanGoddess]

Softouch911, I read that article to which you linked. Thanks for that.

I particularly was in agreement with this:

"There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked.

Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding for weakness, for in yielding there is resilience. Do not mistake the submissive's need for relatedness for inability to be alone.

Submissive women are not weaklings. They are sensitive people who have a great deal of resilience in the face of their particular challenges.

Submissiveness is a strength seeking a proper context."

I agree it takes great strength to lay one's soul bare to another, whether in the sexual context or emotional . . .of course it also takes great trust.

I was just thinking as I'm posting this: I recently wrote a poem for someone, and in it, I think I talked about this sense of "strength seeking a proper context" or as I think I put it in my poem (the poem has an ocean theme, imagine that!):

"Seeking my port,
I turn to you.
Restrain my body and mind
gently, tenderly."

That about sums up the sub part of my mind/body/soul. (But I also can imagine myself getting rather forceful with my lover . . .and I wouldn't necessarily have to be *actually* restrained gently all the time, either. )

 

[Moleculor]

What's wrong with switch? I like being in charge in bed a lot, but I'd hate to be in a relationship that precluded a hot, horny woman trying to take me right-then-right-there.

 

[OceanGoddess]

Oh, nothing at all wrong with it.

In fact, that is precisely what I suspect I need and desire.

 

[CorsetLvr]

Its not unusual for a sub to have two totally distinct seperate personas. I have known a few professinal Domme's and they have told me that the majority of their clients are very powerful professionals in their other life. Its as if their personal, sub side is like a safety valve for their professional lives. I could see how someone that is new to the lifestyle could confuse the two.

Personally, I started off as a sub. My first top enjoyed bottoming occasionally, although I would never call her a switch. It was just an occasional thing for her, as a sort of time out and to enjoy being "done." She was just very comfortable enjoying top/bottom play in all its permutations. As a result of this, I discovered my Domme side. I suppose it was a situation where it was always there but my passive personality had never really allowed it to come out of the closet, so to speak. I think my top was surprised how well I took to being a top. Over time she encouraged me to explore that side of myself more until it got to the point that it was clear that I was in fact a top. When it was clear we were no longer compatible, she gently pushed me back out into the world and even helped me find my first sub and mentored me through those early days of my new role. We are still good friends to this day and have shared subs on more than a few occasions. I hope to write a fictional story based on these events in the near future.

I hope that helps.

 

[SallyIsHere]

Switch is limiting

Most switches have two settings, on-off, hi-low, top-bottom. I think human beings have many more settings, so the number of people who want to be one thing all day, every day should be pretty small I would think. I like mac and cheese but not for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

 

[Yggdrasil]

straight up... be who you want to be... and do what makes you happy - considering the legal aspect of your actions lol

Good said!! Agree totally
YGGDRASIL

 

[Dommecile]

The other thing I have learned is that being dominant in other aspects of your life, you may crave being submissive in one area of your life where you don't have to be the "one in charge."

I think this is true for very many people.

-D