Percentages

[riverofshudder]

(This question applies mostly to non-full time-couples/non-live-in/non 24/7 D/s couples...though anyone should feel free to apply. Why? If you live with your D or s the relationship of playtime to normal time is different than if you only meet your D or s for "scene" type meetings)

So I'm curious....When you and your Dom (or sub) are "together" (in a proper scene or meeting) what percentage of said time together involves;

- actual BDSM related "play" (i.e. bondage, service, etc...)
- just being together (i.e. cuddling, simply enjoying each other's company)
- sex (i.e. straight sex or sex with play)
- other (i.e. untying, massaging blood back into arms, after-care...)

Again...I should explain why I ask.

My sub and I shared our first overnight scene this weekend, 31 hours together...our longest yet. In that time maybe 3-4 hours of it was actual hardcore "play" (not the proper word, but the one that comes to mind best) meaning bondage, flogging, pain, forced orgasms. Maybe 2 hours of actual sex (not involving the play aspect, simply "making love" or fucking...7 times over the 31 hours). The rest was just use simply enjoying being near each other, sitting on the couch watching TV or movies, cuddling, napping, eating and sleeping...alot of kissing/touching and enjoying each other.

For the entire time we were clear as to who was in charge, the power-give was (and is) always there (i.e. she was mostly always naked, or had to ask permission at times for things, was told to never cross her legs, etc).

We don't live together and only see each other to scene or when I wish (i.e. lunch or coffee or some such thing). Even our short 2-4 hour scenes are alot like this. Maybe 15% is hardcore play/5% is sex (often combined with the play) and the rest is us enjoying each other's company though within the boundaries of our contact and power-give.

I will admit my tastes as a Dom are very subtle now-a-days...I can be overt but generally prefer the more mental angle to Domination.

So how does it work for some other people here?

 

[gingermango]

Your description of your scenes is pretty much what much of our life is like in our 24/7 married D/s relationship. Goddess is in charge, period, and directs me in many subtle and not-so-sublte ways. Your proportion of "hard core" scene time is probably about average for us, too. With kids, jobs, household chores, etc., there just isn't the kind of time or energy for full-time, hard-core BDSM games every hour, all day, you know? So we incorporate more sublte aspects of D/s into everyday things: I serve her wine at night, I clean up the kitchen after dinner, I have to ask for permission to use the restroom or get myself a glass of wine and when I get up to leave the room if the kids aren't around I have to get to my knees and kiss her feet or suck her toes for a moment before I'm dismissed. Just lots of little things like that to reinforce the status quo and make some fun out of "real life" to the extent possible.

 

[Winter Lotus]

I'm not 24/7 with my master (although we do live together)

For us, I guess its just that it gets... boring. Doing the same things time and again, giving and following orders all the time. You need a break.

And for those that don't live together, as in your case, its nice to not be "playing" the whole time you're together. You get to really spend time with each other and feel each other out. Get to know each other better.

It seems that for you, the D/s thing is a perk. Something you enjoy, but you also crave deeper, more meaningful relationships with your subs.

 

[riverofshudder]

It seems that for you, the D/s thing is a perk. Something you enjoy, but you also crave deeper, more meaningful relationships with your subs.

Well, I've billed myself as a "Dom." for many years now and have had many subs and a few slaves over that time. Each relationship had it's own moods and context and they were all very different. Some more based on play, some more based on service/ownership and one or two based just on sex with the kinky bits thrown in. I've never been a lifestyle Dom., nor has it appealed to me...but BDSM has always been much more than just a "hobby" to me, or something I simply "do".

Over the years my tastes and desires have changed as well (as they naturally should). Owning and controlling a slave 24/7 offers little interest to me anymore (though 7 or 8 years ago anything but that didn't interest me) but having and obedient and dedicated submissive who understands very subtle things and can move from one extreme to another with little prompting and effort does.

That is my current submissive. The "BDSM" is definitely not just a perk here. it is the basis of our relationship. She is under contract to me and who is in charge is never doubted. That being said I generally adore her, I mean...really adore her... more so than any other submissive I've ever had. She is my friend, my peer, my lover, my submissive. We generally like being near each other and have a calming effect on one another that is hard to describe. We have very separate lives, some for obvious reasons and others not so, but we both crave closeness...along with all the other parts of the D/s relationship. I've never so much cared to have a deeply meaningful relationship with a sub before, definitely never anything approaching love. I've always cared for them and their gift to me, I've always respected and honored them as well...but I've never ever felt for one of them...the way I do for her (I can even go as far as saying I've rarely ever felt this way about one of my vanilla relationships...GFs, etc)...it's that deep with her.

I guess, for the first time in a while (which is good), I am questioning myself as a Dom...which is one of the reasons I decided to actually start posting again on this board. I'm not questioning my abilities or confidence in them, rather over the period of her training I realized that my tastes have changed and what I once enjoyed doesn't do it for me anymore...but this other thing over here, this "love" and meaningful relationship...combined with the D/s part...is bloody mind-fawking-blowing....making me fall into the "OMG, what have I ever done in my life to deserve this woman and her trust." thing.

So consider this all me awakening parts of my Dominant side I never knew where there along with re-evaluating much of what I thought was "my way"...

Thank you both for you replies.

 

[Winter Lotus]

I wish you luck with your exploration of self.

it sounds like you know where you're going with it, and you sound intelligent, so I have no doubts that you'll be able to work through your feelings.

(just for the record, just becuase your tastes are changing and you "feel" more for your sub than you think a dom should doesn't mean you're any less of a dom )

 

[riverofshudder]

I wish you luck with your exploration of self.

it sounds like you know where you're going with it, and you sound intelligent, so I have no doubts that you'll be able to work through your feelings.

(just for the record, just becuase your tastes are changing and you "feel" more for your sub than you think a dom should doesn't mean you're any less of a dom )

Thank you.

I don't think that I'm going anywhere feeling-wise that a Dom shouldn't. I've known many happy D/s or M/s couples that have the same type of connections. I've just never experienced it myself, at least not anywhere near the levels I am with her, so it's a brave new world (if you will) for me. One of the things that has changed in me over the past 2 or so years is a shift away from the pure physical side of BDSM to a deeper understanding and desire for the mental side of it, beyond the superficial. It feels right with her and nothing is forced (that's huge to me). I've gien her bait a few times to see where she goes with it and she never stops surprising me and each time it makes me proud as her Dom...but as her lover to adore her that much more.

I also have no doubt that I will figure it out, I always do...though there really isn't anything to figure out here (sorry if that comes off as bitchy, I don't intend it to be). I am curious to know what others do and maybe their mental angles to it all. Not so much to figure out how to do it but to gain a perspective I might not of had before...which BTW I definately beginning to have now.

I'm all about the big picture!

 

[Softouch911]

Don't you think that intensity has an ebb and flow to it? Whether it's art, play, sex, sports, or participation in some other emotionally powerful event, it's hard to imagine it all at a peak all of the time.

Whether it's a peak moment, or a climactic episode, or a moment of complete control and release, there is a very human need for most of us to see it rise from the flow of natural, commonplace actions and routine so that it provides a contrast with "normal" life and puts a meaningful cap on the entire experience. The best, and worst, parts of my life build to their climax in a series of waves, not a straight line, and they stay at the "top" for only a while ... who could stand it forever, or even for much longer?

ST