Partners secret's

[angela146]

It's not necessarily a matter of keeping a secret, sometimes trust and the desire to share only comes in good time. [snip] I'd never once spoken of my mother so she'd presumed my mom was dead. My mother was not a subject spoken of easily to anyone but I had not consciously kept the subject from my friend.

I learned long ago not to tell new lovers about my past, not for a while anyway.

You're making a really important point here.

There is a huge difference between a new relationship and a long term relationship.

When you say "till death do us part" to someone, the secrets between you should really be at a minimum.

 

[angela146]

Don't we all have secrets, even unintentionally?

Really, I don't think there is anyone that knows everything about me. Not because I'm secretive, on the contrary I've an irritating habit of babbling on and on about myself , but simply because it's just not possible.

Just because you haven't shared something doesn't make it a secret. For example, my husband doesn't know what I had for breakfast last Wednesday.

IMHO it does not become a secret unless you conceal it.

 

[angela146]

I think WoK's got a point. If not for your past, you wouldn't be who you are.

If you weren't who you are now, would your partner still fancy you?

That's exactly the reason why not keeping secrets is so valuable. The stuff that happened to him in the past is part of who he is.

 

[Liar]

As cliché as it might sound, this is totally true.

Scene: A party, lots of people, a mix of college kids and their friends. Me and my girl since two months stading in a corner sipping punch and pointing out people in the crowd that we know.

Me. "See that girl over there? That's my ex-girlfriend."

Her. "What a coincidence. That's my ex-girlfriend too."

Me. "Ha ha. Very funny. Good joke."

Her. "Yeah, I was just kidding..."

Me. "Knew it."

Her. "...but I did sleep with her sister once."

Not that it mattered much to me - I hadn't really asked. I guess it's like Angela said. Only if you actually conceal it.

 

[Op_Cit]

I like Liar's story. I had a girlfriend once who I asked once and found out that she'd slept with more women than I have. (Didn't bug me but I felt a twinge of performance anxiety.)

I guess I'm in the camp that want's to know that there isn't any intentionally kept secrets.

As for past indiscretions, the only thing that I've found that would bother me is learning that my partner had been in love with someone I didn't like. You know, the concept that if she could love a person that I found reprehensible. I don't think I could reconcile her feelings towards me...

As for stupid things in the past, well nobody can top me on that, so that would never be an issue.

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

My policy is basically, "If she doesn't ask, I won't tell."

But, if she asks me a question she had better expect an honest answer, because I won't lie.

Now THAT is a good policy to live by!

~WOK

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

It's been my experience that usually the desire by a partner to "know everything" comes out of fear and insecurity. The proof is when they find out and then can't handle it. E.g., James Joyce begged (literally in writing) Nora to tell him exactly who she'd had before him, what she did, what part of him she did it with, etc. Then he spent years obsessively jealous of the past and tormented that she'd be unfaithful to him.
*Snip*
I learned long ago not to tell new lovers about my past, not for a while anyway.

Perdita

I think Dita has a good point here.... any secrets I choose to reveal I do so only when I think a good amount of trust has been established. Even then 1/2 the time it comes back to bite me in the ass. I think who I am is not determined by what I tell someone else about my past....it is who I am today. The rest either comes out in due time...or it doesn't. Either way I am still the charming WOK today as I a was before and will be in the future (all hail the great and powerful WOK).

I think the "truth at all costs" policy isn't helpful to most people and I think many times it is bourn out of selfishness (I will tell you everything about myself if you tell me about yourself so I can feel more secure because deep down inside I don't trust you). If complete honesty works for you...keep with it, by all means.

But for me... I enjoy my secrets... I like having things that belong to me and only me.

~WOK

 

[cloudy]

But for me... I enjoy my secrets... I like having things that belong to me and only me.

~WOK

Amen, sister.

 

[BlackShanglan]

My policy is basically, "If she doesn't ask, I won't tell."

I wouldn't want to be in a long-term situation with that policy in place. Who wants to play guessing games trolling through every issue that might affect the relationship? Mind you, I do agree with Perdita - the obsessive desire to discover the "gory details" is self-destructive and smacks of insecurity (or occasionally fetish, which can be quite fun). But one should not have to ask about major, relationship-affecting issues that simply have not yet come up.

Shanglan

 

[Guest]

Hi Y'all

 

[Boota]

Mostly what I'm talking about is past sexual relationships. I was very active after we broke up. The girl I'm with now is a former fiancee and when we broke up I used my status as a guitarist in a rock band to make up for all that time I was faithful to her. She got married and had been with only that guy since we broke up, but I was with a boatload of women, and that bothers her. Some of those women are ones she knows and that doesn't help her, either. For a while, whenever I would talk to a woman when we went out she would ask, "So, did you fuck her, too?" And I usually did. I just suggested that she stop asking questions that she knew she wasn't going to like the answers to.

 

[Guest]

My view is pretty simple and straightforward:

If it's in her past it's none of my business. If she wants to tell, I'll listen but it won't change how I feel. She is with me now. That's what is important.

If it is something she has done since we have been together, I would hope that she trusts me enough to tell me and no that it can't be bad enough that we can't work it out if she wants to. What is important to me is that wants to stay. If she doesn't, I cannot stop her anyway.

As for my own secrets, I have none. My past? Ask I'll tell you anything you want to know.

If I have done something I think she should know about since we've been together, I would rather tell her and work things out than have a rift open between us because of dishonesty.

But because I love her, I could not bring myself to do something that I know would hurt her. Just not possible.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Mostly what I'm talking about is past sexual relationships. I was very active after we broke up. The girl I'm with now is a former fiancee and when we broke up I used my status as a guitarist in a rock band to make up for all that time I was faithful to her. She got married and had been with only that guy since we broke up, but I was with a boatload of women, and that bothers her. Some of those women are ones she knows and that doesn't help her, either. For a while, whenever I would talk to a woman when we went out she would ask, "So, did you fuck her, too?" And I usually did. I just suggested that she stop asking questions that she knew she wasn't going to like the answers to.

Ah, I see. There I tend to agree with you. I think it's fair to give the general information - "Yes, I slept around quite a lot, something like this ballpark number" - but I don't see that details of specific people and actions really help. Of course, it's a little different if it's someone very close to her - but otherwise, yes.

Shanglan

 

[Belegon]

I have to say that Shanglan's point about detail holds very true for me. One thing I have said to my wife when she asked a very specific question about an ex-girlfriend of mine. "I would not answer that question if she asked it about you and I won't answer you about her."

Led to a very not-nice discussion. But I did not and will not change my mind about it. Sometimes just because I have the info does not give me the right to share it with ANYONE else. Even my wife.