Part-time kinksters: Why not take it farther?

[Mr Blonde]

As everyone probably perceives, this forum has a diverse mix of people. There are all ages, various levels of experience and different levels of interest in BDSM.

Large sections of society participate in BDSM activities such as rough sex, bondage or spankings. Yet they decide not to go further into the different roles and consider themselves part-time kinksters.

I consider myself a "full time dominant, part time master" and have explained my reasons why I am not a "full time master" or do not want a "total total exchange" relationship.

So this discussion is for the part-time kinksters in our forum!

• Why do you not go further?
  
  
• Is there just no interest? Can you not find a suitable partner? Do you feel uncomfortable doing more?
  
  
• Do you not feel drawn to either the master/dom/top or slave/sub/bottom role and thus feel out of place?
  
  
• Did you have some experimentation that had negative results and confirmed you did not enjoy going further?
  
  
• Was experimentation a fun diversion but something you could not integrate into your normal life?
  
  
• Or what other comments do you have?

 

[Hamletmaschine]

I suppose I would qualify as a part-time kinkster, so let me try to answer your questions.

• Why do you not go further?
  
  I don't really follow the BDSM lifestyle, although I have enjoyed reading what others have had to say about it and learning a number of interesting things on this forum, and I suppose that's what you mean by "going further." The main thing for me is that I've never really wanted to be a full-time anything. Sounds too much like work to me. And being identified with or bound to any one particular "role" is anathema to everything I hold near and dear. I've spent my whole life avoiding that, and I wouldn't want to start now.
  
• Is there just no interest? Can you not find a suitable partner? Do you feel uncomfortable doing more?
  
  My interest in BDSM is definitely from the p.o.v. of someone who is always interested in "going further" in terms of playing and experimenting with different forms of sexual pleasure, given certain limits that we all have (though we may not all share the same ones). And finding a suitable partner for just that has been a problem at times.
  
• Do you not feel drawn to either the master/dom/top or slave/sub/bottom role and thus feel out of place?
  
  I've felt a bit out of place on this forum because of that, maybe--which is why I've not posted here before. And, yes, there are problems (as suggested above) with identifying strongly with any of those roles.
  
• Did you have some experimentation that had negative results and confirmed you did not enjoy going further?
  
  Well, I've had bad experiences trying to kick-up the kink-factor on occasion. I.e., my partner thought what I wanted to do was too warped or what-have you ... even though it may have been nothing to write home about for anyone on this forum.
  
• Was experimentation a fun diversion but something you could not integrate into your normal life?
  
  Experimentation is the name of the game, to me. When any experiment becomes 'integrated' to the point of normalcy, it sort of stops being interesting as an experiment.
  
  Besides that, I still like the missionary position.
  
• Or what other comments do you have?

Can't think of anything at the moment, but I'll try to keep track of the discussion if it develops and may chime in again.

 

[BlueSugar]

• Why do you not go further?
  I'd like to, but I am unsure if my partner only wants it in bed ... and not everyday... we've talked and hes unsure on how far he can take it.... he said "if we do, I don't know if i can turn back." I told him it was ok, I am now waiting for time to talk again.
  
• Is there just no interest? Can you not find a suitable partner? Do you feel uncomfortable doing more?
  I do. He does. I know what I want, sort of. He on the other hand only knows that he wants it in bed and for sexual purposes (which is a start...) but I want more.
  
• Do you not feel drawn to either the master/dom/top or slave/sub/bottom role and thus feel out of place?
  I am definetly sub, and he is definetly dom or top... But we both have trouble going from in the bedroom to everyday ... so I feel out of place, he doesn't care to 'have a place' so he doesn't feel out of place... I'd like to go to a Munch, I found one relatively near us... but I'd feel weird, we only "dabble."
  
  
• Did you have some experimentation that had negative results and confirmed you did not enjoy going further?
  No, we just started talking about taking it further, and I find it hard to explain the role "i want" for him... I also don't think i should be telling him because well, i'm the submissive...
  
  
• Was experimentation a fun diversion but something you could not integrate into your normal life?
  I think I can without a problem, I just need a nudge and were I have Lit to spark interests, he only has porno nor does he want to post on Lit because he feels it is my place (hehe)
  
  
• Or what other comments do you have?
  How, can I explain clearly what I want... I know I can print out a few stories, and we've both read the beauty books and the story of O, we both enjoyed Secretary ... I also don't want to end up reaching out and him not wanting to. We have a fine relationship (no complaints really!) I just want to try this to see if I'm drawn to it for the lifestyle or just the sexual/arousing aspects to it.
  
  and I just realized that on the boards the words Master/dom/domme/top/Sub/slave/bottom
  and all of them are fine and dandy...
  but what is the difference between a dom/domme?
  pardon my ignorance
  

 

[FungiUg]

• Why do you not go further?
• Is there just no interest? Can you not find a suitable partner? Do you feel uncomfortable doing more?
• Do you not feel drawn to either the master/dom/top or slave/sub/bottom role and thus feel out of place?
• Did you have some experimentation that had negative results and confirmed you did not enjoy going further?
• Was experimentation a fun diversion but something you could not integrate into your normal life?
• Or what other comments do you have?

Hmmm... equally, why go further? After all, if someone is happy with the level of involvement, it need not be changed.

My life is a balance of many things, of which D/s is a part, not the entirety. That's pretty much it, in a nutshell.

 

[SexyChele]

• Why do you not go further?
  
  I went through a period of time where I was searching, trying to find out just who I was and such. It was during this period of discovery that I found out I was submissive at times in the bedroom. Doing it all the time just felt weird to me and unnatural. As I suppose a sub who was involved in the lifestyle 24/7 would feel if s/he didn't have that. The idea of carrying this submission outside of the bedroom just seemed funny to me. So, instead of trying to pursue something that didn't make me happy and fulfilled, I found the space where I needed to be: that of a part time kinkster.
  
• Is there just no interest? Can you not find a suitable partner? Do you feel uncomfortable doing more?
  
  Do you mean no interest in going farther? If so, then no, no interest. I have found that place where I feel comfortable more than 90% of the time. (Yeah, okay, so I do wish my S/O would get a little more kinky, but our living situations just don't invite that as much as either of us would like.) Finding a suitable partner would not really be a problem. When I was looking for a Dom, it was easy enough to find them. Play partners would be easier to find than life partners, but hey, it works that way in the 'nilla world, too. Well, I've done quite a bit so it isn't a comfort level. Just because some one only involves themselves in BDSM on a part time basis and has no TPE does not mean they do not fully explore almost all avenues of kink.
  
• Do you not feel drawn to either the master/dom/top or slave/sub/bottom role and thus feel out of place?
  
  I feel drawn to a sub more often than not, just not all the time. There are times in the bedroom when I want to take control - in a playful, teasing sort of way. For instance, I like to give him a blowjob and "force" him to take the teasing rather than just letting him get off. But this is at my discretion, not at his direction. (I do not, however, feel drawn in any way to be a top) At other times, I want him to take charge. And then there are those times when I really want mutual sharing and give and take. Depends on my mood and his.
  
• Did you have some experimentation that had negative results and confirmed you did not enjoy going further?
  
  No. Quite the contrary. The majority of experimentation that I've done has been quite positive and enjoyable. Perhaps I've been lucky, but for the most part all of the partners I've had while engaging in BDSM have been considerate, understanding, patient, and generous.
  
• Was experimentation a fun diversion but something you could not integrate into your normal life?
  
  I tried, but it was a bad fit. Sort of like trying on that fabulous coat: even though it does look good on you, it somehow just doesn't feel right. And no, I don't think I could ever do a TPE in my life.
  
• Or what other comments do you have?
  
  Just a "thank you" for bringing up this topic. I think there are many who lurk here but feel they don't have much to contribute because they don't do BDSM 24/7.

 

[Quint]

Re: Re: Part-time kinksters: Why not take it farther?

and I just realized that on the boards the words Master/dom/domme/top/Sub/slave/bottom
and all of them are fine and dandy...
but what is the difference between a dom/domme?
pardon my ignorance

Dom=masculine. Domme=feminine. "Dominatrix" is usually understood to be a professional female dominant, or Pro Domme.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think for many it is a huge misconception of what 24/7 means. It comes across in many responses on threads whereby such statements are made about how BDSM or whichever section of the community people identify with is only part of their life and not all their life thus they are not 24/7. 24/7 does not mean as Dom/me you chase your slave/sub 24/7 around the house with a whip and both have nothing else in their lives...on the contrary most 24/7 have many things which are the parts of their lives which form the whole, but underlying is the basis of the relationship which forms the fabric on which that life is woven. Often understated and almost invisible, rarely overtly dramatic in a minute by minute, blow by blow existence. Believe me, our lives are anything but a boring existence whereby we have nothing else to offer the world or each other. Great topic Mr. B.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

I'm not sure if I would be considered part-time or not. If I lived with Daddy, we would definitely be 24/7 TPE, and when we are together (usually for weekends) that's how we are. Because I live in another city altogether, though, we can't have that kind of relationship easily - especially since I live with my life partner, who is not part of my BDSM lifestyle. That said, though, Daddy does try to have some control over me from afar. It's not much - not as much as I'd like - but it helps.

 

[move along]

So this discussion is for the part-time kinksters in our forum!

Why do you not go further?<


Because I understand my limits. While I enjoy a bit of D/s play from time to time, I know that in the end it will affect the way I view my SO. I will begin to doubt whether they actually love me, or I will come to resent them. Regrettable, I think. But it is what it is.

>Is there just no interest? Can you not find a suitable partner? Do you feel uncomfortable doing more?<

There is a slight interest, but I find it best to temper curiosity with caution. As for finding a suitable partner, I am not sure. I haven't determined just what/who a suitable partner would be. During I'm perfectly fine. Afterwards, and I mean days or so, it'll affect me.

>Do you not feel drawn to either the master/dom/top or slave/sub/bottom role and thus feel out of place?<

No, I have enjoyed either, but prefer bottom.


>Did you have some experimentation that had negative results and confirmed you did not enjoy going further? <

Yes, my first experience left me wanting to smash the "Dom's" face in. After adjusting and researching more, I've found ways to prevent such extreme responses.

>Was experimentation a fun diversion but something you could not integrate into your normal life?<

I definitely could not integrate it into my normal life. I have no desire to do so. I enjoy my independence far too much.

 

[Netzach]

So this discussion is for the part-time kinksters in our forum!

Why do you not go further?<


Because I'm just not 24/7 about anything. My moods, interest in dominating and thoughts shift around too often. Seasonally I'll want to bottom for a change, or I just lose interest in overt displays of control, or my partner does, or both at once. Bills have to be paid, furniture has to be moved the stupid stuff of life happens. For some D/s enhances this and contains all other dynamics. For us, D/s conflicts with getting it done at times, in the interest of mental health, we're not what I'd call 24/7.


>Is there just no interest? Can you not find a suitable partner? Do you feel uncomfortable doing more?<

Tons of interest, most suitable partner ever, totally comfortable doing a lot, just don't like the term "24/7" or the rigor that perpetuality implies.


>Was experimentation a fun diversion but something you could not integrate into your normal life?<

More than a fun diversion, more like a consuming passion, but not something that doesn't require *boundaries* for me and for us to stay balanced.

 

[BlueSugar]

Re: Re: Re: Part-time kinksters: Why not take it farther?

Dom=masculine. Domme=feminine. "Dominatrix" is usually understood to be a professional female dominant, or Pro Domme.

thank you.

That is what I thought, but wanted to be sure because "dominatrix" wasn't used very much, if at all.
I knew "domme" was a softer term so to say, but I didn't know if that meant it was the dom word for female dom or more of a part time dom (male or female)

 

[Etoile]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Part-time kinksters: Why not take it farther?

I knew "domme" was a softer term so to say, but I didn't know if that meant it was the dom word for female dom or more of a part time dom (male or female)

Softer?! Yikes. Don't let the dommes hear you say that

 

[WildRose40DDD]

part-time kinksters

So this discussion is for the part-time kinksters in our forum!


Why do you not go further?
It is all me. I am not sure I could handle being submissive 24/7. I have had people(Father, ex-husband) try to tell me how to live my life and found myself rebelling. That said, I do not thing I would take well to bring D/s outside of the "bedroom". But then, maybe I am misunderstanding the dynamics.

Is there just no interest? Can you not find a suitable partner? Do you feel uncomfortable doing more?
I am at war within myself...because the interest is there.... but I am unsure if I am ready to take it further.

Do you not feel drawn to either the master/dom/top or slave/sub/bottom role and thus feel out of place?
I have experimented on both sides, but feel more natural as a submissive. It is taking that further, and allowing my Dom to control more of my time/life that I am afraid/uncomfortable with.

Did you have some experimentation that had negative results and confirmed you did not enjoy going further?
No, that is not the case.


Was experimentation a fun diversion but something you could not integrate into your normal life?
That is what I fear, that I could not incorporate submission into a lifestyle.

Or what other comments do you have?

 

[stutterclutter]

I personally find a lot of hardcore BDSM to be...well... corny. It's nice to dabble in and I can understand why some crave it as a lifestyle choice rather then a kink to experiment with for fun... but the idea that "regular" sex is vanilla is pretty derogatory and misses the point. A simple whisper or a touch on the small of the back can be the most erotic experience...and I think lifestyle BDSM folks will be the first to agree that this is true regardless of the label we put on our sex lives. Some people need to define their sex lifes to feel comfortable with it, or to be able to talk about it....while I know I just like what I like, and don't like what I don't like. I mean isn't it kind of like asking why some old men chose to wear s sweater vests instead of going hog wild and buying a full sweater instead?

 

[BlueSugar]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Part-time kinksters: Why not take it farther?

Softer?! Yikes. Don't let the dommes hear you say that

nonononono, i meant it just sounded not manly, but fem. Very very very much dominant... ::sigh:: I lose, whats my punnishment? lol.

 

[cremebrulee]

interesting thread...

I truly WISH I could go further, but it is not practical for me to have a 24/7 relationship as I am involved in a fairly committed vanilla relationship.
I do enjoy learning more about what I had to hide for so long (my so called "kinks") and attending local BDSM events, but I suppose the main reason I have not ventured further is due to not having the opportunity.

As far as having experiences that would cause me to not move ahead into the lifestyle, I was married to a VERY abusive
(mentally and physically) man. He thought it was BDSM, I knew differently. I had to have him removed from my home.
So, I keep pretty cautious about getting involved with men in the lifestyle, but have no problem being extremely attracted to women, which I find myself preferring more all the time.

I think I'll keep reading this one.
Thanks for the thought provoking thread!

~Creme

 

[Netzach]

I mean isn't it kind of like asking why some old men chose to wear s sweater vests instead of going hog wild and buying a full sweater instead? [/B]

LMAO, ok, this was awesome, this said in 6 words what I say in 600 every time I get onto the task of explaining my sexuality.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Thank you for all of these responses. I have found them to be thought provoking.

 

[CharleyH]

Dom=masculine. Domme=feminine. "Dominatrix" is usually understood to be a professional female dominant, or Pro Domme.

Hm. I need only say that semiotics tries very 'hard' to submit the true role of nature. Yet one cannot tame the great Mother.

I should probably go quote myself.

 

[thegreenfairy]

I don't really want to go further. I have extensive interests outside of sex, and need to be able to pursue those. And occaisonally, I want vanilla sex, or to be able to say that I'm not in the mood. Being 21 and female, I'm pretty well assured that I'll be able to find people to fulfill my submissive impulses on an "as needed" basis. Sometimes its fun to fantasize about 24/7 BDSM - but then how would I go to classes? Or go to work? Or make reasonable decisions about my future?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't really want to go further. I have extensive interests outside of sex, and need to be able to pursue those. Sometimes its fun to fantasize about 24/7 BDSM - but then how would I go to classes? Or go to work? Or make reasonable decisions about my future?

Maybe you would find this thread interesting. https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=222185

Catalina

 

[thegreenfairy]

Maybe you would find this thread interesting. https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=222185

Catalina

THere are some interesting ideas in that thread... but I still don't understand how one would deal with many situations. What if the sub wanted a major lifestyle change (new job, moving), and the dom didn't? How could they honestly discuss the issues w/o the D/s thing getting in the way? (I don't mean to imply by "getting in the way" that it's a bad thing... I just don't understand).

 

[catalina_francisco]

THere are some interesting ideas in that thread... but I still don't understand how one would deal with many situations. What if the sub wanted a major lifestyle change (new job, moving), and the dom didn't? How could they honestly discuss the issues w/o the D/s thing getting in the way? (I don't mean to imply by "getting in the way" that it's a bad thing... I just don't understand).

I guess it comes down to the relationship and definition of D/s. If a 24/7, it is one of the reasons you need to know what the boundaries are in that relationship before committing. It is a bit late (but not uncommon it seems) for sub/slaves who commit blindly, swearing to adhere to TPE, obey everything etc. etc., without taking the commitment seriously, or perhaps more accurately really not getting specific about what the Dominant understands them to mean, to decide they no longer want to obey when it doesn't suit them.

In most vanilla relationships such a scenario would still need to be discussed....in most 24/7 relationships it would also be discussed. For instance, in our relationship he has the right to make final decisions on everything. That does not mean I am unable to voice my concerns or thoughts, and may in fact mean by my doing so he will change his original decision based on something I highlighted he had not thought of. It is also possible he will want me to do things he believes I am better at, or my doing will make enhance who I am as a slave, or any nuimber of reasons. But in all things he has the final say, but I understood that before I committed and had in fact sought someone who shared that vision of Master with mine.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

What if the sub wanted a major lifestyle change (new job, moving), and the dom didn't? How could they honestly discuss the issues w/o the D/s thing getting in the way?

I don't see why a D/s relationship should preclude honest discussion. Any committed, long-term relationship requires open and honest communication, and I would expect this to be true of a D/s relationship.

 

[redelicious]

• Why do you not go further?
  
  I'm married and it's not something my husband is comfortable with, nor is he wanting to "share" me. And to be honest, I don't have the time to devote to a Dom even if I was able. No one would get what they needed out of the arrangement.
  
• Is there just no interest? Can you not find a suitable partner? Do you feel uncomfortable doing more?
  
  There is definetely interest, though you have to wonder what kind of guy would want a married woman who is not allowed to play outside of marriage.
  
• Do you not feel drawn to either the master/dom/top or slave/sub/bottom role and thus feel out of place?
  
  I do feel very drawn to the submissive role and do not feel out of place.
  
• Did you have some experimentation that had negative results and confirmed you did not enjoy going further?
  
  I did, but it only made me smarter and stronger.
  
• Was experimentation a fun diversion but something you could not integrate into your normal life?
  
  It was fun, but not a diversion. I could not integrate it into my normal life however, for reasons I've already listed.
  
• Or what other comments do you have?

As you can see, I have wonderful reasons for not submitting, or excuses if you will. It's not right at this time and there is no getting around that fact. However, sometimes my submission scares me. It's hard to put into words exactly. It's odd to at the same time crave and fear loss of control. In the past my limits have been like lines in the sand and that's unfortunate. I read, think, and preach about growth and learning but I fear putting it into action. Somehow I know once I take that step I'll never be able to go back to the "safe" place I'm at now.

Having said that my marriage is important to me and does not exist to protect me from all the Doms out there just waiting to get their hands on me. Futher, if we were to break up it wouldn't be because of BDSM (or lack of it). Still, it's a convienent alibi.