Order, Structure and Control

[MissTaken]

For some, these are elements of BDSM that are as important, if not more so than sexual play.

I find, for myself, that I need and enjoy structure within the D/s relationship. It is, in a large part, the draw into submission for me. I have found that some Dominants that I have been with are very good at giving directions and enjoy doing so at the time that the direction is to be followed. While this begins to touch my need, a Dominant who is clear in His expectations and is able to discuss those expectations as well as create a controlled environment from the moment we are together and in scene.

Now, I realize that our tastes vary, but let's talk about it a bit? Is the excerpt below extreme? silly? wonderfully arousing? How does structure and discipline fit into your BDSM mind set?

I found this delicious little piece :

"Here is the order that I want you to assume whenever you are in my
presence.
#1. Greeting: You will stand at attention with head and eyes down
and you
will greet me with "Sir, your Sub-**** is honored to be in your
presence
and is ready to serve you unconditionally". You will hold this
position
until I inspect you for proper attire, appearance, attitude and
grooming.
You will also be asked questions pertaining to preparation for this meeting.
#2. When you are told to, you will undress for me starting
from the top to bottom, jewelry, shirt, bra, skirt, panties, hosiery, shoes. Your clothing will be folded neatly on the right side of you on the floor.
You will return to the position of attention. "Attention" is head held up straight with eyes downcast, arms and hands at the side of your body and the inside of your hands touching your outer thighs. Your back straight, shoulders back, breast pushed forward, back straight and legs and feet are
together.
#3. You will then be told to kneel down (head held high and
straight ahead, eyes down cast, shoulders back, breast pushed out, arms and hands along side of body and palms of hands on outer thighs. Knees will be together and bent with feet behind. This is not a sitting position) in front of me acknowledging my authority and your respect of me.
You will be told to clasp your hands behind your neck and lift your hair out of the way so that I can put "your training collar" on you. When the collar is around your neck you will be told to go down gracefully and put your head on my toes and kiss my feet. You will verbally acknowledge my authority, and your
gratitude in allowing me to give you the opportunity of serving me.
I will then pick you up by your hair and you will come back to attention.
#4. Inspection: From the attention position. When told to do so, you will spread your legs and feet shoulder width apart (left foot moves, only), your hands will be clasped behind your head with fingers interlaced, shoulders square, arms parallel with floor. I will inspect from the front, side, back. When this is finished, you will be told to bend at the waist with
your hands on your knees for inspection of your behind and your
womanhood.
When the inspection is completed, you will be instructed further.
"Parade
rest" is a waiting position: head held straight and eyes looking
downcast.
Hands and arms are behind the back, clasped with the left fingers in the right fingers on the small of the back. Shoulders are held back, breast are thrust out, legs and feet are shoulder width apart.

These are the positions which I want you to practice every day. I want you to learn these positions so that you will be able to perform them smoothly, graciously, and with enthusiasm every time.
"Discipline" will play a big part in these movements, so I advise you to discipline your mind and focus on what you are doing while performing these positions. Also discipline yourself on sustaining and holding these positions for at least 15 minutes (initially) at a time."

 

[WynEternal]

During my years, many of these points were something I did. I didn't do them all, but there were certain kneeling positions. Oftentimes, I was not allowed to keep my knees together, but to keep them spread so that I was always available. When I removed my clothing, there was no order to it, but I always folded my clothes, instead of heaping them on the floor, unless told otherwise.

I think order can create a certain mindset, depending on what type of relationship you are in. My mindset? I think it was to please my Mistress and to reflect in my actions, her pride in me and how well trained I was.

 

[MissTaken]

Actually, the level of structure I enjoy varies with the Dominants I have been with.

As I move forward though, I find that clarity and mental control is something I enjoy and leads to my being able to be fully at the "service" of the Dominant.

My focus has moved from the erotic play to the emotional and mental aspects of BDSM as might be impacted by directions as given above.

Hmm wondering, perhaps those who glanced at the thread either felt the post was too wordy or the structure was too much?

Please, feel free to toss in your thoughts.

 

[Red Menace]

Mmmmm... hot

I would love to have a ritual like that every time I saw Sir. Not only does it serve to set a certian head-space, but it's also just yummy, delicious erotic.

Sir isn't really into formality or rituals or even in making demands (or even requests) as to how I should serve him. He's been saying since day one that he's hard to serve and (6 months later) I'm finally starting to understand what he means by that. I thought that because he wasn't strict and demanding that he was easy, but I've also come to realize lately that it lulls me into a false sense of what our relationship is. I'll be going along thinking he's my boyfriend and then he switches gears on me and does something that upsets or frustrates me because it doesn't fall into the realm of what I think a typical b/f / g/f relationship should look like.

Occasionally I'll have moments of clarity when I remember that I am his slave, and not his girlfriend, and he has the right to do whatever he wants and it is my privilige to serve him, and not his responsibility to give me everything I think I want. Although, he does take his responsibilities to keeping me safe and healthy, emotionally, physically and spiritually, very seriously and that, along with his character, convinces me he is more than worth my service.

Rituals like that would definitely help me keep that space, and the attention would be wonderful. It's rare that I get his complete undivided attention. I would love just about anything that gives me that.

 

[Netzach]

I try to be consistent, I do. This is very hard for me. I try to be consistent in even saying something to M like "you know I'd like it if you....."

I'm an artist, ok, cut me some slack.

I can hardly remember to put my shoes over my tights some days, let alone could I keep track of a routine like that!

However, the fact that M has ALWAYS ALWAYS before I ever asked him to, filled my coffee cup, brought me coffee right as I woke up, the way I like it, held the car doors for me, deferred to my ideas for what we should do tonight, and deferred to my wishes in general, acted with pleasing me as his foremost thought, this has not gone unnoticed.

I always thought I wanted a sub into rituals like that. Now I know that I'm not cut out for it, and I'm glad that M is not cut out for it either.

 

[Shadowsdream]

As all who are familiar with the lifestyle I live 24/7 know, My Domination is full of rituals and rules that begin before I rise in the morning and continue after I lie down for the evening.
Rules and Rituals add structure to the D/s relationship as well as a beautiful formality.
I do not find the example posted to be particularly complex once it has been done a time or two at the most it should easily become a structured routine. The Dominant can and generally will add to the emotions of the rituals by the demeanor in which it is accepted for its beauty, rejected for its lack of finesse or intensified for Her or His amusement.
This simple beginning to the time spent together *continues* a scene that has really begun as the submissive was mentally preparing for it.

 

[majka]

Too wordy? No. Not at all. I'm a reader, and usually the more words (if well written/spoken) the better.

If I were actively leading a D/s lifestyle, I would be sub, and structure, order and control would be a great part of it...I agree wholeheartedly that mindset and focusing is what makes you the sub who you are...don't get me wrong - I'm not implying that i have any idea of who you are, what makes you who you are or anything of that sort....I can just see myself playing so naturally into the mindset of structure, order and control, as if it were second nature...Only, I have no Dom to treat me....woe is me.

What you wrote reminds me a lot of "the Story of O"...have you seen it? I'm sure we've all READ it, but watching it was quite a different story...Pauline Reage (sp.?) pretty much has MY number!

At this point in my life I can only live vicariously through you and others here in the BDSM discussion group. My mouth waters every time I visit and read the posts...

Keep doing what you do, and don't stop to count your words.

take care,

Majka.

 

[WillowPuss]

Perfect - just perfect!

That is what I long for, dream of and will have - once W/we are finally alone in the house.

W/we have rituals and rules and such - but they have to remain hidden whilst the children are still living with U/us.

As Shadowsdream says, such rituals add to the relationship. They add depth and beauty and substance.

 

[Justina123]

ooh, I loved your example! I can't tell you how I wish I could greet Sir at the door this way when he arrives each Friday evening, but due to kids, etc., just can't.

We do have other rituals which we can and do enjoy, however. For example, when he gets out of the shower, I am waiting at attention with a large towel, in the winter time I try to warm it slightly on a heater. I dry him slowly and carefully from head to toe, hair first, then back of body, then front. If I do a good, sensuous job I get to use my mouth on his cock... which on rare occasions can lead to more, (but not usually). At the end I am in kneeling position before him, waiting for next instruction. Simple, but I love this.

- justina

 

[Pixie]

Seeing as I have no RT experience with this
and the fact that I'm just taking my first babysteps...
I don't know how much of it will be relevant and observed in our relationship.
Reading this I realised this is one subject that has yet to come up.
To be honest, we haven't really delved that deeply into this side of the relationship yet.
I do think that having some ritual is helpful in leaving the outside world
and getting more in tune with the D/s side of life.
I think it's also helpful in maintaining the bond we have.
Sort of like a normal day to day routines of who washes the dishes and who dries,
or who makes the coffee and who sets the table.
They can be comforting in a way of making ones role in the relationship clear.
If that makes sense?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Is it time?

to bump up some of the ritual threads?

I believe rituals offer a perfect way to introduce order and structure into a new ( and existing) D/s relationship. this in turn helps develop, maintain, and enhance the dominant's control.

Eb

 

[MissTaken]

I was going to make this initial post in the ritual thread, but wanted to open the door to discussing a variety of ways that those of us who seek structure and control find it...

as well as ways that Dominants who enjoy structure and control enact their desire.

Rituals, especially a greeting ritual, are great tools for setting a scene or being explicit in your needs, wants and desires.

I also think that the use of titles plays a large role in meeting as submissive's need for control and order. I may call a Dom Joe when speaking freely and casually, but when I finish a sentence with Sir, then he knows that I am sliding into my submissive state or that I am demonstrating respect for his authority and Dominance.

I do not expect that all parts of my relationship with a Dom should or would be ruled with such clarity and order, but there are times when concrete rules, guidelines and expectations are a means to a wonderful end.

 

[bunny bondage]

mmm...i just LOVE rituals like this! and the one that you posted, MissT, sounds just delightful! although, honestly, i don't think i could do it every day! sometimes, i'm just too tired or had a bad day or am cramping or whatever, and He knows that i just need Him to be tender with me for a while. this is a much easier way to put me in a better mood and warm me up to whatever else He might have in mind! but we do have little rituals like that, though not nearly as structured. while He's on the computer (this one, since He doesn't have His own) i always sit at his feet and rub on his legs. whenever He showers, He insists that i come into the bathroom and keep Him company. and there are lots of little things that i've learned to do for Him during various sexual activities - like i've learned just how to hold His (....um, how do i put this delicatly.....oh, i don't) balls during a blow job, and i've learned just where to put my hands while He's on top of me, and so on. it's the little things like that which i like so much! i love being taught exactly what He likes, and learning to please Him in the most perfect way possible. rituals are fun!

 

[SexyChele]

On the surface I would say that order, structure, and control are very important. But I think it really depends on the relationship between the two people involved. I think rituals probably have more place in a situation where the D/s is taken outside the bedroom as well. But then, I could be wrong.

For me, I spent time with one Dom who had a whole ritual he wanted me to follow. Before he entered the room, I had to be on my knees, facing the wall, ankles crossed, hands behind my neck, back straight, head down. I had to stay like that until he gave me permission to move - usually to turn around an perform cock worship. I did it, but my reaction? I was laughing inside. It just didn't work for me. It didn't bother me, as I knew he found it asthetically pleasing. And because of his reaction, I didn't feel weird or anything. It was just the mental picture, and the idea that I got absolutely nothing out of it. (Well, I have to admit that I did like the cock worshipping part, but that's different thing)

So, while I think for some structure and rituals puts them in a space where they need to be, for others it really doesn't do it. I think a Dominant would need to know what works and what doesn't and apply that knowledge as needed.

 

[lark sparrow]

How about some comparison to owning a dog?

There are owners who get a dog and don't particularly have interest in having the dog in their living space (house) or to train it or to even walk it. They keep it in their backyard, they feed it, they make sure it has shots, they go out and see the dog when convenient, necessary or desired. Once a week they like to go out in the backyard and throw the ball for the dog because it's fun. The dog might be a bit out of control, but doesn't seem abused - all of their basic needs are taken care of, and the owner doesn't spend enough time with the dog to see need for training it beyond their weekly ball throwing sessions. The dog pretty much has a life of it's own, but loves fetching ball. If the dog escaped from the backyard and ran away, the owner would be disappointed, but it wouldn't be the end of the world either.

There are owners who get a dog and train it for show, obedience or field - it's their hobby or even their profession - they seek perfection. These owners might rigorously train their dogs daily - this dog has a job! There might be love between the owner and dog or not - it could be a passion or it could be a job - but they compliment eachother nonetheless. This dog might sleep in the owner's room or it might have a kennel it sleeps in as part of it's routine. This dog is amazing, and almost robotic in it's absolute dedication and precise obedience to it's owner. The dog was bred, raised and trained for obedience. If the dog can no longer perform to the expected ability, it would either be retired and receive far less attention, humanely put down or adopted out to a less exacting owner.

Then there are middle ground owners. They have a dog that they have taught a few tricks for mutual entertainment, and they have given the dog some basic training so that it can be in the house and can be taken for a walk. The dog is a dog, but it's also part of the family. It has a few bad habits, but the owner loves it, and all the major rules are well set out and understood. The dog sleeps on the bed, even thinks it owns it sometimes, and the owner doesn't really mind. Although they own the dog, the dog owns them nearly as much within the bond. Training beyond the basics is for mutual pleasure when there is time. The doggie is nearly perfect just for being it's cute little lovable, quirky self, and if it chews it's owner's favorite pair of shoes and craps on the kitchen floor one day, there would be no question about keeping the dog - afterall, the dog faithfully brings the owner their slippers and paper everyday and always greets them at the door, and the owner did leave those tasty leather shoes out, and was gone all day and the dog didn't get a walk or enough attention because the owner has been so busy - so the owner scolds the dog and tries to get a better grip on their responsibilities.

Of course, dogs have very little "free will", so perhaps the moral of this metaphor is to choose a good "owner" for you. See you at the park!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Within the confines of a certain relationship (D/s, BDSM or other) there is a dynamic. It can be negotiated or just develop by accident. In my own D/s relationships the dynamic is negotiated between the sub and me. The most basic structure that is introduced are rituals, that reinforce that agreed upon dynamic.

Rules are also added to give direction, and control to the structure. They are not static, but are fluid enough to be changed as the need arises.

My basic ritual is the greeting ritual, which helps get the submissive into the mindset of service.

 

[s'lara]

Necessary for me

Part of my continual satisfaction in being submissive is the structure and control i receive from the Dominant.

The rituals only provide enhancement to the control. The post by MissT shows how that particular ritual puts the submissive in a position to get into that headspace ... the mindframe of being owned if you will.

i think rituals in D/s are positive reinforcement. i know i thrive on them and prefer to exist inside of those structures. Most comforting actually. Although subbies, don't be afraid to accept change to those rituals if your Dominant sees fit.

Spice of life and all that jazz.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: How about some comparison to owning a dog?

Of course, dogs have very little "free will", so perhaps the moral of this metaphor is to choose a good "owner" for you. See you at the park!

Or do they?

We have always gotten my animals from the Humane Society, and it seems that a certain animal would "call" to us and draw us to their cage.

it was almost always a good match. I think that animals choose their humans. Using the same analogy, I believe the right sub "calls out" to Us. It is up to us Dominants to choose wisely and be observant for the one who we can acheive magic with.

 

[WillowPuss]

Back to the original post ....

R has just copied the ritual and printed it out.

I am to learn the positions. I have just under two weeks to master them. W/we are going away for a couple of days and I will be able to live 24/7 properly for that weekend!

 

[bunny bondage]

ooh! sounds like fun, Willow! you simply MUST tell us how it goes!

 

[WillowPuss]

lol

well, possibly edited highlights

all i know is - all our toys are to be packed
and i have permission to do a little shopping before we go, too.



I think limits will be pushed slightly.

 

[exiledmaster]

My own taste is for rituals of anticipation and preparation; should a slave shave before meeting, should she be dressed in particular ways, should she have waxed or polished some of the leather items she is to wear....
There's also a nice clash between the order and structure of her solo preparations, and the lack of control she has over what happens when we meet...

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: Re: How about some comparison to owning a dog?

Or do they?

We have always gotten my animals from the Humane Society, and it seems that a certain animal would "call" to us and draw us to their cage.

it was almost always a good match. I think that animals choose their humans. Using the same analogy, I believe the right sub "calls out" to Us. It is up to us Dominants to choose wisely and be observant for the one who we can acheive magic with.

That's so true, Ebony. Although I must admit I have never met an animal that I could not fall in love with nearly immediately. One of my dogs was bought sight unseen from a breeder out of state and I don't think I could have personally hand-picked a better fit - kismet!

Mainly I was thinking about the differing needs/methods of control and structure in making my silly comparison after reading through people's responses. Rituals can be very structuring, bonding and comforting, particularly within "magic", and give that sense of control and care.

I do internalize Mistress' rules or boundaries until they become second nature and definitely enjoy knowing what pleases Her. However, if I do the same exact thing every single time I am more prone personally to begin to lose focus on the meaning and become bored at times. Challenge inspires me, too much routine can be a bit deadening. It works for Mistress and I, as She creates the basic structure, and enjoys my little "sassy" surprises along the way. We have the grounding structure, but also the dynamic of being kept on our toes a bit, which ultimately enhances the feeling of control without being boring (for us, subjective of course!). I don't have very many scripts that I must follow, although She does have quite a few rules and certainly preferences. But, some rituals almost seem to create themselves and truly work well. I can also see how a new ritual could do this in a relationship - changing old habits, creating different structure and highlighting and increasing the control.

 

[MissTaken]

My own taste is for rituals of anticipation and preparation; should a slave shave before meeting, should she be dressed in particular ways, should she have waxed or polished some of the leather items she is to wear....
There's also a nice clash between the order and structure of her solo preparations, and the lack of control she has over what happens when we meet...

And that's some additional good stuff.

It may take days to prepare for time with a Dom and every minute is worthwhile and adds to the anticipation.

*sigh*

I like how you think, exiledmaster.

 

[MissTaken]

Lark Sparrow?

There have been a few posts that make me think of an article I once read

"Everything I Learned about Domination I Learned from my Dog" by Kemanorel 1997.

The essay is a terrific slant on training as written by a Domme. Here is a link that may or may not work!



http://www.castlerealm.com/library/keman.shtml