Opposites attract. . . or do they?

[Eilan]

I was inspired to create this thread after talking to my best friend. Apparently she recently had dinner with a mutual friend of ours and my husband and I were the topic of conversation. Both of my friends seemed to think that my husband and I aren't particularly well-suited for each other because we have somewhat opposing political views.

I guess they're partially correct. My husband is pretty conservative. However, for what it's worth, he's one of the most sexually open people that I know (he became a member of Lit. in 2002, though I don't think he's ever posted on the boards). In fact, in some ways, his views OPPOSE most of his fellow conservatives.

I, on the other hand, consider myself a fence-sitter; it's not that I don't have political opinions, but I just don't tend to identify with either conservatives or liberals. I avoid the extremists on both sides.

My husband and I manage to coexist quite peacefully even though we don't always agree with each other about political happenings. We generally just agree to disagree, though sometimes one or the other of us will make a smartassed, politically-charged comment. I won't change, and neither will he, and we don't expect to change each other. Besides, we have lots of other things in common; our political views are only a small part of who we are.

I don't intend to turn this thread into a political debate; I was using my husband and me as an example.

What I was wondering, though, is how you and your SO deal with any differences you might have. I was thinking primarily of politics, religion, and sex (though Lit. has LOTS of threads dealing with sexual differences between couples). Have these differences ever COST you a relationship?

I might add other questions as I think of them, but this will get people started.

 

[LadyJeanne]

My SO and I are not compatible in terms of free time activities. He plays in two softball leagues, one football league, bike rides every day when the weather's good and he's not playing softball or football, and adds swimming and running to all this. And then there was the summer he was Mr. Triathlon Man.

I, on the other hand, am into writing, reading, gardening, yoga and belly dancing. Eventually, we realized our interests were complementary, because I also need vast quantities of alone time. His being away for all his sports adventures means I get my alone time.

It took us a while to work through it, though. Summers were really hard because I'd always have three or four street fairs, or concert-in-the-park, or Taste of Chinatown kind of things that I wanted to go to with him and invariably there'd be some frickin' triathlon somewhere. At first I felt less important to him than all his sports stuff; nobody wants to take a backseat to a bicycle.

We used to have all these 'discussions' where I carefully and calmly explained that I needed to feel like I was at least in the top 5 of his 'things I really want to make time for' list. The only thing that worked was when I finally explained that I was the woman who gave him the best bj's of his life and should therefore be treated accordingly. 'nuff said.

 

[EJFan]

good idea for a thread... i hope you get lots of insight eilan.

in my case, i almost ALWAYS find enough differences with an SO to break it off at some point. usually the REAL reason for breaking up is that we're either getting too close or i'm getting tired of dealing with her (and i don't mean that in a "she's a bitch" way). i have a kind of "relationship ADD" thing goin' on.

generally, i think that differences are a relatively minor part of what keeps us attracted or stops that attraction. i think that we either form an emotional bond that sticks or we don't. again, speaking for myself, the "differences" are just sort of a scape goat... something to blame the breakup on.

i think that two people of polar opposite views on everything can be a content couple just as easily as two people of identical beliefs can. the thing that keeps 'em together will be the same in all cases... mutual respect and that undefinable, intangible "thing" that makes us want to care for them as though our life depended on it.

 

[RavenousRae]

My boyfriend and I opposites - politically he's conservative and I'm very liberal, socially he's a partier, an extrovert, needs a lot of friends and I'm a homebody, introvert, more of a loner, I'm a reader and very academic oriented (currently in grad school) while he's a movie and music buff and a college drop-out. We also grew up in very different types of family, mine was very close and I was an only child, his was broken (parents divorced when he was in elementary school) and he doesn't care for or speak to his parents or sibilings much. He also grew up a Catholic in the midwest and I grew up Episcopal on the East coast. Doesn't sound like much of a match does it? Yet we've been together three years and love each other very much. We do have some things in common and we love to share the things we love with each other - our different experiences bring things to the relationship that neither one of us would never have experienced otherwise. Sexually we are an amazing match - even though he's had other partners and he's been the only man I've ever been wth (I did have a girlfriend before him) but our appetites are very strong. I can't say that we don't have probelms - the election did cause some rifts but we try to respect each other's opinions or quite frankly we just don't bring it up! But what makes us work is the fact that we try because we think each other is worth the effort.

 

[Eilan]

What's really funny is that when my husband and I first started dating we discovered that while we don't generally care for country music, we both had the same Patsy Cline CD boxed set. At that point we knew it was meant to be!

Having separate interests caused some problems in my first marriage. My ex played football in college, and someone started up a semi-pro team in our area. It ate up a lot of his time If he wasn't playing football, he was talking about football. It was a real problem once the kids came along, because he was working full-time during the week and playing football on the weekends. I love football, but this was just too much! In hindsight, maybe the BJ explanation might've worked!

I think I agree with EJFan about differences being a minor part of a relationship until other problems surface. My ex and I were alike in many more ways than my husband and I are, but when we started having problems, we latched onto the little differences. All of a sudden I heard, "I've always hated your opinion about __________."

RavenousRae, your last sentence sums it up perfectly!

What about those of you who have children? Are you and your partner pretty much on the same page regarding child care, discipline, etc., or do you have differing approaches? For those of you with opposing views, how do you reconcile them in order to maintain consistency in your children's lives?

 

[RavenousRae]

I would also be interested in hearing peoples opinions about child care and opposing views in relationships. One of the main reasons I'm not ready to marry my boyfriend is because of our opposing views on disciplining children. I want children very much but he believes the man should be the sole disciplinarian
and that spanking and negative reinforcement will work for disciplining children. So those of you have opinions please post!

 

[Eilan]

I would also be interested in hearing peoples opinions about child care and opposing views in relationships. One of the main reasons I'm not ready to marry my boyfriend is because of our opposing views on disciplining children. I want children very much but he believes the man should be the sole disciplinarian and that spanking and negative reinforcement will work for disciplining children. So those of you have opinions please post!

It's good that you're thinking about it BEFORE you get married.

My husband and I generally agree on discipline. When we met, I already had two children, and he didn't have any. While he definitely had opinions about child-rearing, he tended to follow my lead, which made things easier when we had our own daughters. Since my older two daughters belong to my first husband, we have to make sure that we're in agreement with him as well.

I was raised in a home where I was spanked for every stupid little thing, and I vowed not to do that with my kids. It's the absolute last resort for us. Plus, every child is different, so what works for one might not work for another. My oldest, who's 7, responds most to the threat of taking away privileges. My 17-month-old, however, generally needs to be physically separated from the situation. Right now she likes dragging the garbage out of the wastebasket. What good would spanking do in that situation? We just put the wastebasket where she can't get to it.

My 4-year old is going through a phase right now that I call "parent shopping." If she asks me for something and I say no, she'll then go ask my husband (her evil stepdaddy) for the same thing. He'll say, "Didn't your mom already tell you no?" It took us a little while to catch on to what she was up to, though.

I would think that when the parents don't agree on disciplinary approaches that the children can sense it and be confused by it--or, if they're particularly resourceful, somehow take advantage of the situation!

 

[Bobmi357]

I've often wondered why people seem so surprised by the "Opposites attract" statement. Nature is full of contradictory attractions. Male/female, the positive/negative terminals of a battery, the north/south poles of a magnetics etc... If anything people should be surprised when likes attract, not opposites.

 

[EJFan]

I would also be interested in hearing peoples opinions about child care and opposing views in relationships. One of the main reasons I'm not ready to marry my boyfriend is because of our opposing views on disciplining children. I want children very much but he believes the man should be the sole disciplinarian
and that spanking and negative reinforcement will work for disciplining children. So those of you have opinions please post!

this is an interesting topic as well.

i think that if two people aren't familiar enough to know, at least with some certainty, how they would approach child-rearing, then they shouldn't be having actual kids. a plant or dog would be a better idea.

this is a highly significant part of a relationship and vastly differing views can really cause a lot of problems... with the kid suffering the most.

 

[Lynxie]

i think that if two people aren't familiar enough to know, at least with some certainty, how they would approach child-rearing, then they shouldn't be having actual kids. a plant or dog would be a better idea.

this is a highly significant part of a relationship and vastly differing views can really cause a lot of problems... with the kid suffering the most.

I have to say I agree with EJ wholeheartedly on this one. Opposites attract, sure...and couples can get along just fine if they don't agree on everything or have the same interests. But when it comes to raising kids, it's a whole new ballgame. Parents need to act as a team and have a plan for how they want to raise their children.

My hubby and I aren't having kids anytime soon because of this (well...because of this, and the fact that the whole thought scares us to death). We have a ton in common, but when it comes to some of our most basic beliefs that we would want to pass on to our kids, we're vastly different. We'd just be sending our children mixed messages all the time, and it just wouldn't work out. In time, we expect these discrepencies will change enough for us to consider starting a family - but until then, we're doing the world a favor and not breeding

 

[Bobmi357]

but until then, we're doing the world a favor and not breeding

I think you're probably doing the right thing. Personally I can only offer pity upon anyone that opts to bring a child into this particular society. We have become so protective of our children that the many new parents are afraid to discipline their children.

There are documented cases of parents being falsely accused of abuse and arrested because of statements made by their children. Our schools are a mess, stressing sports over academic issues. Who cares that Johnny can't read and write, so long as he eats nutritional food and catch a football?

My boys are grown now, and Alyx and I do not want to have any children. But I remember well how in the early 80's when the child protection got hot and heavy, how we were treated because my youngest needed stitches twice in a 45 day period. Today, you are guilty first and have to prove your innocence, especially when it comes to children.

Think about it folks. Your kids teacher can ask your child if you spank them, and you'll be the one getting the visit from CPS, making your life hell. My parents spanked me. They didn't beat me, but I knew if I did something wrong, I was going to pay for it. Now days parents aren't allowed to do that. And as a result we're raising a generation of monsters.

 

[dollface007]

I would also be interested in hearing peoples opinions about child care and opposing views in relationships. One of the main reasons I'm not ready to marry my boyfriend is because of our opposing views on disciplining children. I want children very much but he believes the man should be the sole disciplinarian
and that spanking and negative reinforcement will work for disciplining children. So those of you have opinions please post!

Just a little factoid from your resident sociologist. Couples who adhere to extremely rigid gender roles in parenting and housekeeping have an extremely high likelihood of divorce. These couples are also more likely to experience abuse in the marriage (both psychological and physical). You're absolutely right to hesitate over this.

 

[Candee]

My SO and I are different enough to create interest yet similar enough that it's comfortable at all times. At least that's how it feels. We both express our opinions, and debate them. We both have different interests that give us our alone time, but have very little trouble finding things to do together.

As for kids, he is their primary care giving since he's currently a stay at home dad by choice. I stayed home for 3 years while I looked after them and went to school in the evenings and now he stays home and will eventually upgrade his schooling too.

Either way, communication.. similar or not, without it there is no bridge between the two of you!

 

[Eilan]

What I think is really interesting is that my friends seem more interested in the differences between my husband and me than we are. If we're happy, why should they care?

Moving right along. . .

The problem that I see with a lot of parents today is that they're trying to be their children's best friend. I don't see my family as a democracy, but my husband and I most definitely don't rule with an iron fist, either; my kids don't rule the roost, but they certainly have rights. What's most important, though, is that they KNOW they're loved. Heck, when it comes down to it, they're probably more than a little spoiled! (Thanks, Grandma!)

My husband has worked for our state's Highway Patrol for 27 years, the last 11 of which have been as a supervisor. Yesterday, he fielded a complaint from a mother who was fuming about the fact that her 16-year-old daughter got a speeding ticket. What really ticked him off was that fact that this mother was more concerned with going to court (mandatory for juveniles) and fighting the ticket than the fact that her "little angel" was going 78 mph, not wearing her seat belt, and endangering her 15-year-old pregnant stepsister (also unbelted). In my opinion, that's piss-poor parenting, and my husband has dealt with more than his fair share of people like that through the years.

I'll step down off my soapbox now. . . . You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

 

[Candee]

Eilan that would have made me mental!

I agree with you, it is not a parents job to be their childs best friend. As parents you are there to guide them and provide rules and limitations in their lives that mirror the real world.

I would think we are all striving towards the same thing as parents, to raise children that become productive, social, happy citizens once they are older. This means teaching them about rules, acceptable behaviour and behaviour that is not, about setting good examples and such.

Too many parents are not parents at all but too busy trying to be "cool" with their kids. Screw that, I will be Mom and hopefully my kids will understand once they are grown that it is better to have Mom than a Cool Friend that taught them nothing about life.

 

[Vixandra]

I believe that opposits that compliment each other can be a recipe for great success in a relationship.
I'm the quiet, reclusive, small group of close friends and a bookworm.
He's open, easily makes friends, loves planes/gliders and is more outdoorsy then I.
And we compliment each other well because of those differances.

Far as raising a child's concerned- loving disipline is what we're going for. I will not be the parent to some rampaging little tyrant that thinks its a diety on earth because mom and dad always cave to him/her.
No kids yet because at 22 I feel I'm WAY too young to be having a child personally. I know others have had children at my age and younger but I'm not ready nor can I support a child in the financial situation that I think they deserve from me and my hubby.
If that makes sense.

I think its good that couples talk about parental approches before having kids- so many problems could be avoided better that way.

 

[SweetErika]

I think you're probably doing the right thing. Personally I can only offer pity upon anyone that opts to bring a child into this particular society. We have become so protective of our children that the many new parents are afraid to discipline their children.

There are documented cases of parents being falsely accused of abuse and arrested because of statements made by their children. Our schools are a mess, stressing sports over academic issues. Who cares that Johnny can't read and write, so long as he eats nutritional food and catch a football?

My boys are grown now, and Alyx and I do not want to have any children. But I remember well how in the early 80's when the child protection got hot and heavy, how we were treated because my youngest needed stitches twice in a 45 day period. Today, you are guilty first and have to prove your innocence, especially when it comes to children.

Think about it folks. Your kids teacher can ask your child if you spank them, and you'll be the one getting the visit from CPS, making your life hell. My parents spanked me. They didn't beat me, but I knew if I did something wrong, I was going to pay for it. Now days parents aren't allowed to do that. And as a result we're raising a generation of monsters.

I know this is a little off-topic, but I always found it interesting how my in-laws used the possibility of abuse accusations to justify giving their kids almost no affection...little hugging, no kissing, no sitting on laps or holding past age 3. It's pretty clear the fear was only part of their decision, as both of them were raised with little affection, but I think it goes to show how some people take the "what ifs" too far.

Back on topic, even though my husband has made great strides to be more demonstrative, I'm concerned he might fall into the no affection track with our kids. That, and a few other things like "spanking is the only thing that worked on me and a lot of other kids" and a tendency to be very laid back, make me want to wait until we can agree and see ourselves being very consistent parents.

 

[Eilan]

Far as raising a child's concerned- loving disipline is what we're going for. I will not be the parent to some rampaging little tyrant that thinks its a diety on earth because mom and dad always cave to him/her.

I socialize with a woman who has a daughter who could most definitely be described this way. The girl is 12 and she's the queen of the house; she decides what they eat, what movies they see, and where they go on vacation, and that's not the half of it! Before this woman can make any plans for herself she has to check to make sure that her daughter hasn't already made other plans. One time, the kid invited a friend over to spend the night, but she neglected to ask her mom if it was okay. Imagine Mom's surprise when her daughter's friend, packed for a sleepover, shows up on the doorstep!

 

[Kiss Me]

On the subject of kids I think it all comes down to expectations. As a parent I've set out to help my children learn exactly what I expect from them, and what they can in turn expect from me. While I show them in countless ways that I love and adore them, they know that mummy has very clear cut consequences for any actions they may attempt. No matter where, why or who's there, those consequences stay the same. I'm a firm believer in a good swat on the bum with a bare hand, but only for a small list of offences that my children could recite in their sleep. Otherwise it's all about loss of privilidges and interaction. From the very first time I said "if you do that I will have to........." I've followed through and they expect that from me. What's the point of saying something as far fetched as "if you don't stop screaming I'm leaving you here", which I heard in the grocery shop just this morning. Make it something you can actually do, and something that you implement regularly so your child knows you're serious. If you set the ground work early enough, everyone knows what they're doing, including the parent whose not home as much.

Though on a side note it's only worked because I'm the more dominant parent and I got my own way on the child rearing. I had a shocking upbringing with no routine, no parental involvement, random name calling, beltings and any other damn thing my mother thought up when she was actually awake but it's made me more aware of what didn't work and determined to do a good job. Whereas my husband was raised in a loving home where his parents acted as servants while he and his brother ran amuck with emotional blackmail. He spent his life in brand name anything he had a whim for because temper tantrums meant a reward, never received even the smallest smack, wasn't aware there was such a thing as chores and his mother would cook a special meal for him just to ensure he ate at each meal...... even as a teenager! Needless to say I found that whole setup just a tad bizarre yet he felt that would be the way we raised our children......... boy he woke up pretty quickly in the first few years. Now though it's a working partnership and if either of us has a problem, we discuss it AWAY from the kids. Guess that's the same for people thinking you have problems in your marriage....... discuss it together, away from your friends.

 

[Eilan]

Guess that's the same for people thinking you have problems in your marriage....... discuss it together, away from your friends.

I think one of the issues with my friends is that while they like my husband, they're also a little intimidated by him. Physically, he's an average guy, but he has a commanding presence and he's very outgoing and confident, almost to the point of arrogance (but I kinda like that). Hell, I'm shy enough that it took me a LONG time to get up the nerve to stop lurking here! At any rate, we complement each other.

 

[jupiter lilly]

My boyfriend and I are very different on the surface. He is pretty conservative, considers himself a republican and is fairly introverted in social settings unless he knows the people really well. I am an extroverted liberal. He's a bit of a country boy and I am definately more of a city girl. However, we are both very interested in history, theatre, hockey and lots of other hobby type activities.

When we started dating, I worried that we were too different. When we talked about it, he told me he likes dating girls who are different than him, and as time has gone on, I see that there are enough similarities between us that our differences seem to complement our relationship as opposed to weakening it.

 

[oddity83]

I always date crazy women for some reason. I guesse its because I am crazy to so it works, until the crash and burn.

 

[HybridCrow]

I've never had a relationship before nor do I have kids, but I thought maybe a bit of my insight on child-rearing might help a bit.

First off, I strongly oppose corporal punishment, mainly because it is VERY possible that it will lead to child abuse. Although I have been punished this way PLENTY of times as a child when I did something that I shouldn't have done, and there were a few times that I got punished for something I didn't do, the punishment never went too far. Therefore, I'm well-behaved, mature, and know what is right and what is wrong. Nobody's perfect, so sometimes I slip up once in awhile.

Secondly, I DO believe there should be some kind of punishment, or disciplinary action, towards misbehavior. I've known a few parents who have children that seem to run around like they own the world. I've seen children who cuss, hit, and scream when they shouldn't be doing that. FEW times I have been on the receiving end of the cussing, hitting, and screaming of children. I do my best to keep cool and handle it in a nice manner, but there is just a point in time you have to be forceful at getting your point out to letting them know it's wrong to do what they're doing.

Don't get me wrong, I really love kids. I actually hope that some day I will meet the right woman and have kids later on in life. It's how the child is behaving that affects my opinion NOT on the child his or herself, but on the parent as well.

As far as my beliefs on relationships and whether or not both parties should have a lot in common, I personally don't think EVERYTHING has to be in common. If everything was in common, I'd say more times than not, it would get boring. Nevertheless, I think the best way through relationships is respect for the other person and what they do and enjoy, honesty and trust with each other by talking to each other if there are problems, and be able to spend time with each other and find new things to do and enjoy in life while being together.


Like I said, I don't have relationship experience, or have any children, but I'm an observer and I give any insight I possibly can that I know will be helpful in some way.

Hopefully, I've said something at least a bit helpful.

 

[Fleatopia]

My boyfriend and I are more alike than un. Which is something that has come out since we started living together. We don't have any big political diversity going on, but he will yank my chain to just get me to make the "Oh, you shit!" face.

The difference between us comes out in family relations. He's an only child of parents who divorced and was the end result of his parents' attempts to become pregnant through use of fertility drugs, etc. I'm the youngest of five children and have a plethora of niece and nephews and great nephews and a great niece. I grew up surrounded by people who are related to me and am rather used to that special kind of friendly, loud chaos that comes with the large family. He's really more of a small gathering type. Not that he's intimidated, I don't think. It's more of a desire for quiet and unsurety of how to handle all of those children.

And he's scared of babies. That's something I find both cute and annoying. How can you be scared of babies? That's rhetorical! He can go on and on about how everyone should be afraid of them and how they're parasitic creatures, blah blah blah. To me... They're just babies. There's always at least one infant in my family at a time these days. I just can't see bein' afraid of them.

We've talked about children, but the fact is that we aren't ready yet. I'm thinking we should maybe get a dog first. Start out small. Once we get that handled, and are comfortable sharing decisions that affect another being, we'll talk again.

 

[iansearchof]

I simply wanted to add that I've known several long term couples of seemingly more oppposites than agreements who obviously got along quite well despite the differences. I on the other hand have had relationships founder on the political shoals.

With no expertise on the matter, I heartly disapprove of corporal punishment.

Now that I'm subscribed, I will enjoy reading this thread.