Open Relationships?

[Ylvie]

Sorry. And thanks for all your answers. Will now try to change some things in my life, and first off I felt like leaving this NB, now that I obviously have gotten what I needed/subconciously wanted (?) of answers. A fresh start, you may say.

 

[Parklife]

maybe i'm a pessimist but this is what I break that down to:

"We're both 18, we've dated exclusively for 2 years during which time my boyfriend has let it be known that he think it is important or he at least wants to have other sexual partners. But, he says he has never done this. I think he'll cheat on me if I don't agree. So, I'll set rules so that my not-so-good at communicating boyfriend has to communicate with me before he does anything. Although i've never indicated i wanted to, he says the same rules apply to me. OH, and despite the fact that he's talked about this for 2 years, he says he won't need to take advantage of it for another year or so."

Now, I don't want to put words in your mouth so I may have missed the boat but the above is what I get out of your post.

For one, I think that open relationships only work when it is something that both persons want to have happen. Not as some sort of deal or a way to try and protect yourself from being hurt.

You're both young. Nothing wrong with having a casual relationship where you both go out with other people. But that kind of relationship takes a lot of strength and communication which it doesn't seem your relationship has at this point.

If I'm a betting man, I would put money down that he either has already cheated on you (and thus uses his idea that cheating is ok as a justification) or will do so without following the 'rules' that have been laid down. Just a guess based on your post and the fact that he is an 18 year old male. (something I remember, though unfortunately my memories don't involve sex)

Be careful, make sure you two communicate and try to look out for yourself. But don't try to kid yourself. In the end, it never works.

 

[Bobmi357]

Not everyone is cut out for an open lifestyle. There are people here on this board living a happy and open life, and others that are, like yourself, stuck in something they can't seem to come to grips with.

My take is fairly simple on the matter, but its biased against open lifestyles. He wants his cake and you've agreed to it. There is no mention of your demanding he undergo at least an annual aids/hiv testing, and he's probably cheated on you already.

Your "deal" is bullshit. You've just agreed to let him have all the sex he can get his hands on with nothing to gain for you, except the possibility of a life threatening disease.

he looks upon it as a normal physical need

I'm sorry, but this is pure and utter crap. He won't die if he doesn't get laid. He's not going to suffer any pain, torment or mental anguish. Its just his way of justifying that he wants more sex than he thinks he can get from you.

You're young, too young to be tying yourself down to a self-centered clown like this. Kick this turkey to the curb and find yourself a guy that thinks his world revolves around you.

 

[Ylvie]

X

 

[warrior queen]

at 18 years of age, you have absolutely no idea yet of what you and he want/need.
you're only just starting out!
if you think you can handle the jealousy - you are WRONG!!!

this sounds like your boyfriend just wants to have your permission to go out and fuck about, to see if there's anything 'better' out there that he might be missing out on.

dump him now - he doesn't give a shit about your feelings, or he would have dropped it the second you said no, not pushed you for this sham 'agreement'.

btw, my opinion?
he has already cheated on you, but now he doesn't have to feel quite so guilty.
what a prick.

 

[Ylvie]

X

 

[sheath]

If I had not suggested this deal, I'm certain he would have tried his best not to touch another woman, as would any other guy - but mistakes happen. Now I have come to see this as a way to not let those mistakes mean the end of the world. It might not be the end of the world to have sex with someone else, what makes it the end of everything to me, is the feeling of being fooled, cheated on and lied to. To me it's a clear difference between the beforementioned, and to approve with it and make it something I think I will enjoy as part of our sexlife.

Uh oh. I gotta say something here. Mistakes do NOT just happen. A mistake is misreading an exit sign. A mistake is turning on the hot water tap instead of the cold one. A mistake is clicking on the wrong link and going to the wrong page on the internet.

A person does not wind up in bed with someone else and EVER call it a 'mistake'. There is, always, at some point, INTENT. There are many, many chances to back out. Letting libido take over does not make it a mistake: It makes it an irresponsible act.

If you want to give him permission to sleep with other people, that's your business. But please don't do it because you are trying to head off the pain of infidelity at the pass. That isn't fair to you.

My advice? If you are doing this simply to avoid the shock and pain of betrayal, it's time to move on.

S.

 

[Bobmi357]

One of the advantages of a closed relationship is that I do not have to use condoms. My wife is on the pill and it works wonders for her.

Unfortunately for you, its something you will not experience unless you're willing to put your life literally, into his hands.

Asides from aids there are a whole host of diseases he can pass to you, some of which can kill you (rare, but it does happen).

That he broached this topic in the first place should be a major red flag to you. This isn't just about extramarital sex, its about respect. Quite frankly, if he is that horny, why can't he get what he needs from you? Sure there are times when guys get horny, and that secretary down the hall looks mighty fine, but its no excuse to break one's faith with spouse just for a quick roll in the hay.

What are you going to do when he says this is the second or third or fourth time with the same woman? What are you going to do after you're married and while you've been suffering in the 8th month of a pregnancy and you find out he's been getting his rocks off with some chickie at work?

His attitude suggests a lack of basic respect for you and your relationship, but its your life.

 

[Mary Hall]

Dump him, find a better man, a hot looking hunk maybe to make him jealous

 

[Ylvie]

X

 

[peachykeen]

Three words.

Recipe. For. Disaster.


Anyway look, sounds to me like you do not really want advice, you want people to tell you "yeah, that sounds great, good on you for thinking the whole thing through, I'm sure the two of you will go on to have a long and happy life together, seeing as how you're both so all, like, open and understanding and shit."


Honey, the "DANGER: HEARTBREAK AHEAD" sign couldn't be flashing any harder at ya.

 

[warrior queen]

now we find out this is a long distance relationship...... it makes me even more certain that he's cheated on you already - and if not physically, then at least in thought (which is almost as bad if he's hiding it!)

think for a second - how many times have you heard about people misrepresenting themselves through their words on the net?
happens all the time, even by people we think we know.
and it's so very easy to do on the net!!

no real need to disclose everything, right?
and how simple to omit a piece of information, when the other person is behind a screen and cannot see your body language or hear the different nuances in your speech?

regardless of whether he brought this issue up, or you offered it to him, he shows you absolutely NO RESPECT by agreeing to it.

don't get me wrong, i am not against open relationships - far from it, i have been in one before myself! - but in this situation i am inclined to think the lack of maturity shown by him with regards to this, means that he's happy to act on this new agreement whenever he's ready, and regardless of whether you are or not.

you are very young (and i know how you must hate being told that!), and neither of you are sexually mature or stable enough to be considering this.
open relationships fail in marriages of 20+ years! they are very difficult to maintain, and it takes a certain kind of deep love and commitment to deal with issues that arise because of it.
you two don't have the 'love history' yet to be able to do this successfully, without one or the other getting very hurt in the process.

quite apart from the fact that i think you have some serious problems with commitment - due to what you have witnessed within your own family, no doubt - and i strongly suggest that you go seek some form of counselling to help you re-order your thought process to deal with that.

 

[Ladybatt]

Dangerous Waters

Honey, with the rules the way they are he can sleep with anyone else when the situation arises, and by the sounds of him, HE WILL! My husband and Ihave the arrangement that if and when either of us sleeps with someone, we're BOTH present. That is whether or not we are both participating. You must have a solid, trusting relationship or this type of arrangement ( ours or yours ) will never work. Jealousy will rear it's ugly head eventually. With his already having cheated on you it's doubtful you have the trust necessary to survive an open relationship. I'm sorry. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[sheath]

I doubt I will ever even have to fulfil this deal, the relationship will most probably end before 6 years have passed and we can really be together. That's the realistic point of view, though for the most part we both like to dream of a future.

Take a long, hard look at this part.

If you really feel that way, why bother with making this 'deal' now? Move on to someone you cannot imagine living without.

You deserve that, honey.



S.

 

[ExtacyCouple]

I am in favor of open relationships and I think you are crazy. But hey.....good luck. One thing I can tell you, if you give a guy that option he will probably take advantage of it sooner rather than later.

 

[SummerMorning]

What everybody else said.

If he wants to have sex with others, that means that he's not interested in you enough anymore. Sorry, but that's the way it is. The basis of a relationship is, more or less:

love = friendship + trust + understanding + sex

Take out any part of that equation, and you're not getting a relationship. You're 18 - trust me, time is on your hands. If you break up, it's not the end of the world.

(cut out personal experience digression)

 

[Noor]

Okay, I have been in long term "open" relationships, none of them broke up because of jealousy or anything like that. I have a few observations:

You guys seemed to have the standard mispreception of open relationships that many monagmous people have.
Being in an open relationship does not mean having a series of one night stands. I am too sleepy to explain, James, where are you?

The minute you let someone else into your lives you have the possibility of change. You can't control the outcome unless all the parties agree and even then people sometimes find themselves feeling things they didn't expect and agreed not to feel.

I disagree that the exclusivity of sex is the only thing that contitutes a decent relationship.

I think YOU are too young to be tied to one guy, just my crabby opinion.

Noor

 

[lovechild27]

Ok...I dont understand how letting someone you LOVE sleep with other people will increase the trust in your relationship...especially at the age of 18.

Im one of those people who could never share my lover for anything. If I was so scared he would cheat on me I would let it go...I could not deal with the hurt that would bring me, knowing he had shared something so sacred with someone else.

Really look at what your saying...he is being honest in telling you he cant be faithful. Open your eyes...he probably already has slept with other people and him saying,"I may not be able to be faithful" is his lame way of one day makign what he has done/will do ok.

And why are you planning out a future with someone, at 18 years old...with someone you dont even really date? Spending time on Yahoo messenger IS NOT a substitute for dates and quality time. How do you KNOW he hasnt had any other gfs? You dont live close enough to see each other...how do you know he is going to the gym? Do you have ANY thing else besides faith to base his story on? This is NOT going to work out for you in the end. You barely have a relationship as it is.

And do me a favor and NEVER talk about 'controlling' your so ever again. When I hear people say that it makes me want to slap them. You dont have a relationship with someone to CONTROLL them. And if you are and think you can, your in for even more hurt.

My parents are going through a very rough time now too. My mom left my dad for a man she only talked to on the net. She moved him across the us and now they live together. She popped this on us two days after Christmas this year. I have had to deal with my dad a total wreck, my brothers and my mom who seems to not want much to do with us anymore. Has this shaken my faith in having happy, faithful, longterm relationships? Hell no. If anything, it has made me learn how important it is to be honest with each other...how important it is to keep a connection even after years of being together, among other things. Everything in life is how you react to it. Maybe get some counseling for your parents marriage. It is not having a healthy effect on you.

 

[warrior queen]

Okay, I have been in long term "open" relationships, none of them broke up because of jealousy or anything like that. I have a few observations:

You guys seemed to have the standard mispreception of open relationships that many monagmous people have.
Being in an open relationship does not mean having a series of one night stands. I am too sleepy to explain, James, where are you?

i understand that, noor. (open relationships are most often involving a trusted and loved extra who becomes almost 'part of the family', NOT one night stands and fuck-fests) what i am trying to say, is that Ylvie seems to have the view that by giving her boyfriend 'permission' to have an open relationship, she has somehow forstalled the possibility of him leaving her for another person.
and this does not work.

The minute you let someone else into your lives you have the possibility of change. You can't control the outcome unless all the parties agree and even then people sometimes find themselves feeling things they didn't expect and agreed not to feel.

bringing someone into your lives by opening your relationship in a sexual way, also brings with it the possibility of jealousy and conflict.


I disagree that the exclusivity of sex is the only thing that contitutes a decent relationship.

Ylvie seems to already have the view that a sexual relationship will never be exclusive - that the inevitability is always that one of the partners will cheat eventually.
this is a very unhealthy place to begin a secure, trusting lifetime with her man.

I think YOU are too young to be tied to one guy, just my crabby opinion.

i also think Ylvie has some serious misconceptions about how relationships should progress and evolve, and she most definately needs to get out in the real world and have some serious fun before tying herself down to something that has the potential for so much hurt.

 

[pplwatching]

Okay, my perspective is jaded from having been the shoulder that was cried on a few too many times. I'd like to be able to spare ylvie from going that, but maybe it's just the daddy in me seeing a cop-out instead of inexperience.

 

[ReadyOne]

Giving the benefit of the doubt, consider that neither of these two young ones have much experience with anyone but themselves.

They need to get some.

Perhaps you all should "see other people" for awhile, in addition to each other. Given that you're LD, this wouldn't be too hard. This doesn't mean sleeping around (though that could concievably happen) near as much as learning about what you really want from life and relationships.

Odds are you'll being doing this for years, and you don't want to lock-in something until you can say you've had the experience to recognize that your partener is a true keeper.

There are some things about people you just haven't discovered yet because you haven't met enough people. These things, good and bad, will refine what you want in a partner.

When you can say that you've seen most of what there is to see, you will feel a lot better about committing to each other.

Sub-conciously, it sounds like he realizes that he hasn't seen everything and wants to find someway to not miss new life experiences and not give her up.

Be cynical and it's "he wants to have his cake and eat it too".

I'll accept that he hasn't strayed, and is just aware of how inexperienced he is, and is trying to find a way to cope with what he fears/expects/suspects is waiting for him when he grows some more.

 

[77Cobra]

Ok here is my observation on this.Yep there is a high risk of getting a disease.Face it he is either already cheating or he is getting ready to.You say you know for a fact he has not cheated but you say this is a long distance relationship.How do you know?I was married to a woman once,she had our child,we had what I thought was the perfect marraige,(you know the nice house,white picket fence two car garage,etc.)Well we were both 19 years old when she suddenly fell over dead leaving me with a 8 month old boy to raise.It wasn't untill 2 years after her death that I found out that she had been cheating on me the whole time we were married.How do I know this was true?I asked her parents if they heard about it and they admitted yes they knew it was happening but could not get her to stop it.Now to the reason I told you this story of my life back then.If anyone would have suggested to me that she was unfaithful to me.I would never have believed it was true.I thought I had the perfect marraige.How would he feel if you called him today and said I found this guy on the net and I am going to go fuck his brains out tonight.Or how would you feel if he told you he was going to have wild sex with say this older woman and then told you about it.I doubt either one of you is ready for this.Just because your Mom cheated on your Dad does not mean an open relationship is the answer to not being hurt by someone cheating.

 

[MercyMia]

Okay, I have been in long term "open" relationships, none of them broke up because of jealousy or anything like that. I have a few observations:

You guys seemed to have the standard mispreception of open relationships that many monagmous people have.
Being in an open relationship does not mean having a series of one night stands. I am too sleepy to explain, James, where are you?

The minute you let someone else into your lives you have the possibility of change. You can't control the outcome unless all the parties agree and even then people sometimes find themselves feeling things they didn't expect and agreed not to feel.

I disagree that the exclusivity of sex is the only thing that contitutes a decent relationship.

I think YOU are too young to be tied to one guy, just my crabby opinion.

Noor

I agree with just about everything everyone has said on this thread to you, Ylvie. My experience in cheating relationships comes from being the daughter of a philandering father and this has very much impacted my relationships in adult life. My parents' relationship is "open" in the sense that my mother pretends not to know what's going on. I know her too well, though. She's way too smart to be that dumb.

If we lived in a society where there was a social infrastructure for open relationships, it might be easier to openly discuss and agree on rules with each other. There wouldn't be accompanying guilt or fear about openness. But then again, there wouldn't be the expectation of fidelity or sustained commitment.

The reason I'm quoting Noor's post (hi Noor!) is because that angle of having a third person (plus more, if that person is also married or in a committed relationship or if that person has children) in your SO's life has much more impact than is apparent to you right now. As someone else said, what if the one-night stand turns into an emotional and spiritual relationship as well? Those dimensions tend to make the relationship deep and long lasting. What if he ends up fathering a kid with the one-night stand? Is that fair to the kid? There are so many possible emotional repercussions from open relationships. I really think it's too early for you to be acquiescing to such an arrangement because yes, the way you've presented it to me, it does seem like you're going to be the compromised party. Really. His escapades will be a novelty at first while the two of you are making love, but after a while, they will grow old and stale and you will have no way to change the rules back to monogamy.

I think you're smart to post on this forum and get other people to discuss this issue. I hope you're smart enough to err on the side of self-preservation and honor.

Hugs,
Mia

 

[sexxyange1]

While I can't imagine the 'deal' you have put into place. It is your right, but I hope you've considered it carefully and are doing it for the right reasons.

I have a suggestion, have you ever thought of inviting another man/woman into your bed with the two of you.

In this way you can both share in the experience of being with someone else, while still enjoying and satisfying your partner.

You may be surprised how much another person can spice t hings up.

 

[asiasiren]

Can you imagine the conversation the boyfriend will have with a potentioal new partner.

New Girl: "Oh you big hunk of male god, I want you so bad"

She fumbles with his shirt buttons

Boyfriend: "Oh god, I want you too"

As he starts to get noticibly harder

NG: "Then come. Take me right here on the floor"

She lays on the floor and starts to remove her pants

BF: " You look so hot, I want you now"

He starts to pick up the phone

NG: "what are you doing?"

She sits up

BF: "I need to call my girlfriend and check with her if it's allright."

He starts to dial the phone.

BF: "Just as soon as I get permission to have sex with then we can get it on."

NG: "This is getting very strange."

BF: "No no, this is an agreement we have. We can have sex with permission as long as we only do it once. I won't be able to see you again in a sexual way even if you rock my world."

BF: "Hello, just thought I would call to let you know I am planning on having sex with someone right now. Yes I know we were supposed to discuss it but you know how sex is. I'm 18 and when it comes along I just need to act as soon as I can. OK, thanks."

He hangs up the phone and walks back to where the new girl is now sitting on the couch.

BF: "She said OK so now we can have sex."

NG: "Oh really, she said you could have sex with someone else?"

BF: "Yeah, I told her and said I could get screwed so it's OK.

NG: "I'm outta here."


He is not going to get your permission. He has already had other girls and is just telling you that you can to cover his guilt. I would bet he is only interested in you now because you will put out when he is in your area.
Go out. Meet new nice guys who will see more to your needs and feelings.
Yours is not an open relationship. It is a compromise so you don't lose him. That is not the way to keep someone. All it will be is mistrust and him using you.
Honey, he isn't worth it.