Online D/s... whats it good for?

[skye in silk]

probably not a new topic in this forum, and i know the emphasis for this forum is R/L experience, but i was just wondering what value online D/s has in our world.

For me, real life is in the distant future. I have actually very little real life sexual experience, but have found chatting and reading the bb's very enlightening. as a Start i just read it for kinks, but have found the new ideas and thoughts on submission very seductive and they have hit a cord with me that i wish to explore in real life. i don't seek an online Master, nor expect anything other than talking with others about their experiences. I have made friends that i never would have in real life ( where else would a 29 year old virgin introvert meet a real life Dom who has lived in the lifestlyle for over 20 years? except online). I'm learning new things and enjoying the ride.

was just wondering what the draw is for online D/s for others?
why are you here?

what are the drawbacks?

how do you take that next step? when is learning and info gathering a hinderance to taking that step into real life and when are you ready?

Would appreciate any feedback others have in regards to this.

Thanks for posting in advance.

Skye

 

[serijules]

My bdsm interest and experiences started online, and my first relationships were cyber. I learned much of what I know online, and later on enhanced it in 'real time'. 90% of the lifestyle people I know...I met online before meeting in real life. I no longer participate in online relationships (other than occasionally directed self-play with friends when we are both bored and looking to cause each other pain *grin*), but I give the cyber world a lot of credit, and know many people that carry out cyber relationships that work well for them, despite being pretty limited.

I feel that cyber has a place in BDSM and give it the credit I feel it deserves...but I can understand how and why many people don't, and can respect that too.

Usually I don't promote or advertise my own site unless asked, but this is a subject I rarely see anything positive written about, so I'm going to share a link to an essay I wrote awhile back on cyber relationships and some pros and cons of them. It's just my opinion, but an opinion based on experience with both styles. Check it out if you are interested. It focuses more on spanking than bdsm though since that is the core of my own interests.


Virtual Reality - Cyber Relationships...Are They Real?

 

[Pure]

That's a nice little essay, serijules, and you do well to stress that online CAN connect with real life reality.

It's very interesting, also, the 'self administered' aspect of bdsm, as related to online interaction. It's not often talk about, but self spanking and other inflictions of pain do 'work' and as serijules says, the power dimension is very heady: some one a hundred or a thousand miles away is 'hurting' themselves at one's command.

In general and to skye in silk, I think there is much to be gained here, and certainly friendships (in addition to bdsm relationships) have formed.

What might be added to serijules positive view of online, is the extreme fragility, in my experience, of online relationships. They dissolve so readily, and the reason, I think, might be that often the investment has been small. Dashing off an email, or having an IM chat is almost to easy--compared, say, to actually writing and posting a letter.

Another point of drawback I've seen, is that r/l trumps cyber for most people. The needs are brought out in cyberland, and seemingly addressed. But often the 'solution' is found in real life, with another. I've noted a couple close cyberpals who eventually took local lovers and faded quite a bit, or entirely into the distance.

 

[Cirrus]

I don't really have anything to contribute, except for agreement that this topic has been on my mind for a while.

I'm not singling out anyone in particular, but almost ALL of the online D/s relationships I've seen have been riddled with turmoil and end badly for at least one of the participants.

It seems that one of the partners isn't emotionally stable, not truly submissive or dominant, or meetings in the flesh leave one of them "reconsidering" and hurting the other. Some others just outright lie about who they are or what they want. I really, really don't think it's a good idea...but that's JMO. It might work for some people.

I think online 'nilla relationships are hard enough, and I've had one. It ended AWFULLY, and left me scarred and damaged for literally years afterward. Throw in the element of trust required for a D/s relationship, and you're opening yourself up for a whole other host of heartache.

It's too easy to log off during an argument instead of settling it, it's too easy to idealize the other person, and as a result fall "madly in love" without ever really KNOWING your partner. And the thing is, you don't see them. You don't know about that annoying nail biting/pen clicking/finger drumming they do. Hell, you don't even know if you're compatible sexually. There's just too many "what ifs" for it to work out.

 

[lark sparrow]

It can be a good way to gather information, explore your own feelings safely and without much investment and connect with others of like mind. There's a tremendous amount of information available online, and plenty of other people who are just beginning to explore, as well as those who have extensive experience.

One of the things I would tell you though, is that the BS factor is extremely high online in some regards. At a forum like this you may find that there is less of it, and more of an honest, reality-based approach to D/s. However, if you venture into the majority of D/s chat rooms, be prepared for a very large amount of fantasy. People who have come to believe their own fantasies and have much of their self-worth invested in maintaining the online image they have created.

You'll find many people who are married, people who aren't even the gender they claim to be, people who have never experienced any D/s in their lives aside from the fantasies they have lived online, and they aren't always going to be honest about it. There are also quite a few people who have been online so long and studied so much, that they believe themselves to be experts even though they have truly never experienced a D/s relationship. You can learn things from these people, but there is element of true knowledge they are missing.

Which leads to my next point. If you are online long enough - even not looking but single, or not completely happy and committed to the relationship you may be in - you will most likely find someone intriguing, and eventually find yourself becoming more deeply involved with them. I think online affairs are becoming one of the most popular ways to cheat, and I cannot tell you how many divorces and changes in sexual orientation I personally have seen due to coming online to harmlessly play out their fantasies. It's truly stunning.

Then all these factors come into play above. Were they honest about who they said they were, are they actually available, and do they really have experience with D/s or have they been a quick study online, and simply know all the right things to say. It's really impossible to know 100% until something comes up that forces the truth to surface. Your trust and faith that a person has been honest and open with you cannot extend too far without proof, in my opinion and experience.

All of this being said, I have met a handful of people in r/l that I originally met online, and they were all who they claimed to be and have become very close friends. I also have been involved in a LDR with my Domme for about a year and half, and it's a good relationship and She is a great person, and Dominant, for me. But those who are honest and open about who they are, what they want, and how much experience and sincere interest they have in D/s are often far and few between. Which make sense when considering the overwhelming number of people one has access to online.

My advice would be to know what you want, what you are seeking online - whether that be information or a partner or whatever - and when your interest starts to deviate in any regard or grow, use your head, check your bearings... don't follow blindly. And if you find you have a deep and sincere desire or need to explore D/s, eventually making the leap from online to r/l is the only way to fully or even partially explore the depth of BDSM.

Good luck!

 

[Contango]

what is it good for? lots of things, it just isn't a replacement for r/l. forget that and your asking for problems. best wishes.

 

[curious2c]

As with any online relationship, honesty is the first important thing. Without it people can be hurt emotionally and even physically. As to what it is good for...I would suppose it is a good way to discover about yourself if you truly want or need to be a part of bdsm, and also to learn more about it.

I have read the above responses and feel that the authors have covered most of what I would have mentioned and then some I wouldn't have thought of.

What you get out of it is only what you and the other participant put into it online. Same as real life...with a bit more of a protection for each one.

Now my qualifier...This is what I feel could or can be possible...since I have not progressed to an actual bdsm relationship as of yet...I am really not fully qualified to state much more than my personal ideas.

 

[MissTaken]

I have most often met Dominants on line.

I have never submitted on line. I percieve the computer as a tool for communication, getting to know someone, sharing a bit about ourselves and submission is for real time.

That is per my interests and needs and I hold no strong judgements against anyone who does enjoy on line D/s.

I do believe sharing fantasies, and for others, online D/s gives one another a chance to explore their likes and dislikes.

It can be educational and in terms, of long distance relationsihps, I can see where some submissives may need those directions on a daily basis.

If it fills your needs for the moment, go for it!

 

[kate8417]

I discovered D/s almost by accident. My marriage had just fallen apart, and I was doing a good deal of surfing for erotic stories...

...and there it was. I had never heard of D/s before, but I could suddenly put a name to all those feelings I had had over the years--since early childhood, even. I was always the girl who wanted to play Pirates and be the damsel in distress, lashed to the mast by the captain.

Online D/s gave me a safe place to explore those feelings, and it was incredibly liberating. Also a real ego boost. I met my r/l Master online, and we were friends first. We have been together almost three years, and will soon be moving in together.

God bless online D/s!

Happy Day, A/all!

 

[SierraMoon]

You know.. i never thought i would ever be in an online D/s relationship. Goes to show you should never say never...

i have found someone who matches my kinks, and who fulfills me, even tho we are not able to touch. Unfortunately, he lives on the other side of the US.

So, i find myself smack dab in the middle of one, and it feels right.

Who knows what the future will bring, but i am living in the here and now, and this is where i want to be. If online D/s works for you, go for it! Yes, i prefer skin to skin, but it's not possible at this point, so i will take what i can get...

sorry for the ramblings... just wanted to add my thoughts on the subject.

 

[lovetoread]

I think its a good way to learn.

Tis not something I would get into again, unless there was a real expectation of real life contact.

 

[MissTaken]

Another benefit

to ANY on line relationship...

You can read one another and bail out before things are so intense that feelings are hurt to the degree to which there are permanent scars.

Just my Sunday am morosity sneaking in....

 

[skye in silk]

Many thanks to those who responded so eloquently.

Online D/s is a complex beast and i think i will stick to the approach i have been using up until this point. To learn and communicate with others who have experienced D/s in real life. I have in the past confused what happens online with real life...fantasy replacing reality and have gotten burned also. I know understand that this was mostly because i allowed myself to be consumed with what i was feeling and projecting this as a true indication of what was real. Now i take things slow, be totally honest and expect nothing.

Does this mean that i won't be hurt? No. i expect this because when opening yourself to another in online, or in real life, you run the risk of getting hurt. Hopefully i can take the advice of others of others in the forum and guard against any pretadors, pretenders and fakes. My radar is getting very good after being on lit for close to a year.

Serajules had some great points on play that i would like to touch on. My dissatisfaction with online D/s comes from the expectation of the Dom in regards to play. The play i really enjoy is the "self inflicted" play and assignments given to be preformed in real life. Things that you can actually do to explore your sexuality and your limits. This for me is very exciting and seductive.

True "cyber" or creating a fake sex scene is good for entertainment value, but for real enjoyment i enjoy the "self infliction" much more. It is very powerful to do something at Someone's request and this is what i find truely enjoyable on a sexual level. So for now i will continue to search for this. Too bad most don't do it correctly or properly, at least in chat.

Would love to hear from some Dom/mes in regards to their expectations in an online medium, but also understand Most in this forum are focused on real life.

Best Regards, Skye

 

[lark sparrow]

Serajules had some great points on play that i would like to touch on. My dissatisfaction with online D/s comes from the expectation of the Dom in regards to play. The play i really enjoy is the "self inflicted" play and assignments given to be preformed in real life. Things that you can actually do to explore your sexuality and your limits. This for me is very exciting and seductive.

True "cyber" or creating a fake sex scene is good for entertainment value, but for real enjoyment i enjoy the "self infliction" much more. It is very powerful to do something at Someone's request and this is what i find truely enjoyable on a sexual level. So for now i will continue to search for this. Too bad most don't do it correctly or properly, at least in chat.

Mistress and I do alot of this, either through voice chat or via telephone as we are in a LDR and there is too much time between visits! It's the next best thing to being there. Cyber also works though not quite as well long-term. Webcams, and digital cameras are great tools as well.

The only thing I would stress is that one makes themselves aware of the risks and safety aspects of the activities they plan on carrying out at the request of another, who cannot help you if things go wrong. I have seen people ask for and command things that could be very unsafe. Don't assume they are experts and will take care of you - even if they are experts, if the activity is dicey, there's not much they can do to help should the worst happen. (Of course many may not actually follow, or expect you to actually carry out, instructions and are once again interested in the erotic aspect of pretending, in which case it doesn't matter... but you should both be on the same page!)

 

[Arden]

Hi skye...

You've been given a lot of excellent advice here. I think what I'd stress to you is education, checking out anyone you decide to get involved with, full communication, complete honesty and this... stay out of the D/s chat. Most of the Doms in there, from what I've been told, are Dom "wanna-be's", and have little or no experience. Come here and interact with others instead. You'll gain so much more...

If you can, find a submissive who has the experience and time to act as a mentor to you. Someone you can count on for advice and support as you begin your walk in the lifestyle.

Best Wishes

 

[~Dream~]

I don't really have anything to contribute, except for agreement that this topic has been on my mind for a while.

I'm not singling out anyone in particular, but almost ALL of the online D/s relationships I've seen have been riddled with turmoil and end badly for at least one of the participants.

It seems that one of the partners isn't emotionally stable, not truly submissive or dominant, or meetings in the flesh leave one of them "reconsidering" and hurting the other. Some others just outright lie about who they are or what they want. I really, really don't think it's a good idea...but that's JMO. It might work for some people.

I think online 'nilla relationships are hard enough, and I've had one. It ended AWFULLY, and left me scarred and damaged for literally years afterward. Throw in the element of trust required for a D/s relationship, and you're opening yourself up for a whole other host of heartache.

It's too easy to log off during an argument instead of settling it, it's too easy to idealize the other person, and as a result fall "madly in love" without ever really KNOWING your partner. And the thing is, you don't see them. You don't know about that annoying nail biting/pen clicking/finger drumming they do. Hell, you don't even know if you're compatible sexually. There's just too many "what ifs" for it to work out.

_______________
I cant believe I find myself agreeing so much with someone I honestly feel truly hates me but no matter ,in online d/s and esp LDR it can only work if BOTh partner's feelings come 1st OVER the Control , JMHO , rules need to be CLEAR & Concise for the submissive and not Changed every 5 secs.. no one in their right mind can handle that and of course all of you out there know I havent been in My right mind in a very long time(lol) ,to have a person who professed to be 'in love' with me say it was o.k. for me to 'sleep with others was the final blow for me..
I want , deserve and desire to be treasured above all others, not just a piece of assand I will give the same respect I get...
I am willing to serve but ya betcha My needs gotta be met sometimes also ,I love to GIVE however it's just as important to RECEIVE once in awhile also ..
i will be trying D/S , LDR again soon for the 3rd and LAST time ,if it works wonderful ,if not... never again!!!! Wishing all the rest of you love ,luck and happiness and feel free to continue to hate me however remember ,ya reap what you sow..

 

[Ebonyfire]

[BWishing all the rest of you love ,luck and happiness and feel free to continue to hate me however remember ,ya reap what you sow.. [/B]

You would do well to remember that yourself Dream. I think you have your share coming up.

Ebony

 

[Lancecastor]

all of you out there know I havent been in My right mind in a very long time

There's something I think we can all agree on.

Lance

 

[lark sparrow]

_______________
<snip>in online d/s and esp LDR it can only work if BOTh partner's feelings come 1st OVER the Control , JMHO , <snip>

not Changed every 5 secs.. no one in their right mind can handle that <snip>

i will be trying D/S , LDR again soon for the 3rd and LAST time ,if it works wonderful ,if not... never again!!!!

Wishing all the rest of you love ,luck and happiness and feel free to continue to hate me however remember ,ya reap what you sow..

I don't hate you, and don't know you or Art. What troubles me is that you only seem to pop in and add to a topic to further outline your personal and indirect disappointment in the end of the relationship for you and Art. I see no involvement on this board other then where you might be able to pass blame... to Art and all those on the board who "hate" you.

Perhaps it is because you feel misunderstood, but it comes off as being very manipulative and self-serving. All of us, every single one, has been involved in a break up of sorts and they are not easy - you are not the first, last or only.

You mentioned not "changing every 5 seconds" but I've been reading the board long enough to see many of your "nevers", "always" and "lasts", and they do seem to change very frequently and extremely quickly.

If you believe that people's feeling should always come before control in a D/s relationship, then this should probably be at the very top of your list in a partner, because many will disagree with you on this notion as it relates to a power exchange. And, it will cause great unhappiness to all involved if you choose to ignore your own needs.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Hi skye...

You've been given a lot of excellent advice here. I think what I'd stress to you is education, checking out anyone you decide to get involved with, full communication, complete honesty and this... stay out of the D/s chat. Most of the Doms in there, from what I've been told, are Dom "wanna-be's", and have little or no experience. Come here and interact with others instead. You'll gain so much more...

If you can, find a submissive who has the experience and time to act as a mentor to you. Someone you can count on for advice and support as you begin your walk in the lifestyle.

Best Wishes

Adding my two cents worth, I agree in that chat room etiquette tends to be highly exaggerated and ritualistic, cause many folks read a lot of so called "old guard" chat behaviour which most D/s folks find hilarious.

the learning value of virtual bowing and scraping is beyond Me. But online one-on-one can be effective for a short time.

So it behooves you to find someone with whom you can learn the basics.

Ebony

 

[Lancecastor]

it comes off as being very manipulative and self-serving

I've been reading the board long enough to see many of your "nevers", "always" and "lasts", and they do seem to change very frequently and extremely quickly.

Manipulative, self-serving, a quick change artist.

That's ~Dream~ alright.

And that's on her good days.

 

[lark sparrow]

I met my Mistress in a chat room and, for me, She is one in a million. I have also met some girlfriends in bars. Sometimes it works!

I would only caution those entering D/s chatrooms to understand that are a large percentage of people who may only be there for fantasy online. It's not my cup of tea, but I actually find nothing wrong with it - it only tends to truly hurt those who are dishonest or unaware of this tendency. Aside from that it's good melodrama .

 

[Ebonyfire]

I met my Mistress in a chat room, and for me, She is one in a million. I have also, in the past, met some girlfriends in bars. Sometimes it works!

I would only caution those entering D/s chatrooms to understand that are a large percentage of people who may only be there for fantasy online. It's not my cup of tea, but I actually find nothing wrong with it - it only tends to hurts those who are dishonest or unaware of this tendency.

I don't have anything against it either, but after hearing all the whining (yes, whining is the only word for it), about the treatment subs get in the chat rooms, I have decided to suggest that newbies stay away from chat rooms until they can tell shit from shinola.

Ebony <a nod to "The Jerk">

 

[lark sparrow]

Preach on, Eb

I don't have anything against it either, but after hearing all the whining (yes, whining is the only word for it), about the treatment subs get in the chat rooms, I have decided to suggest that newbies stay away from chat rooms until they can tell shit from shinola.

Ebony <a nod to "The Jerk">

I'm happy to see personal responsibility encouraged by those in a position of authority.

 

[rosco rathbone]

absolutely NOTHIN sayitagain _HUH_!!!