On This Anniversary...

[MelissaBaby]

From Chapter Seven of My Fall and Rise. In deference to Lit's "true story" rule, this event may or may not have taken place ten years ago today:

***
Wake up call came at 4:30 on my 545th day in prison, just as it had on all the others. Today was different though. I had been instructed to report to Processing at 8:00, and was in administrative limbo until then. My other cellmates shuffled off to the showers, but Alicia lingered. She watched me as I began packing up my state issued items.

"So, how's it feel?" she asked.

"I don't know. Kind of like it's not real yet, I guess."

"Fuck. I've got at least three more years before I am even eligible to apply."

I wanted to hug her, but felt sure she'd push me away.

"Well, who knows?" I shrugged. "Maybe I'll see you on the outside sometime."

"Bitch, if I see you out there, I will knock you on your ass. Stay the fuck away from bitches like me. Go fucking be somebody, and don't fucking come back here."

"I won't."

***

I didn't.

"Alicia" has been in and out several times. To the best of my knowledge she is currently incarcerated.

Did I follow her advice and "become somebody"? I suppose I did. I became a writer, and I will let others judge my success at that. But I became someone more than that. I became someone who works at helping other people who have fallen, or sadly, sometimes willingly jumped through the cracks in society. People like her. People like who I used to be.

I post this, not seeking praise or congratulations, but in reflection. While I am feeling pride in my success, I am thinking about "Alicia," I thank her for her advice and mourn for the somebody that she could have been.

 

[StillStunned]

Good words.

 

[colddiesel]

A famous Australian football coach, Jack Gibson, was asked how his team had performed. Famous for his torture of the English Language, Gibson responded,"Played good, done fine." That is what MB has done as one of the best writers on Lit - "Played good, done fine."

 

[iwatchus]

I had been wondering how long after the story ends you wrote it. Your fictitious anniversary pretty well answers that.

 

[MelissaBaby]

A famous Australian football coach, Jack Gibson, was asked how his team had performed. Famous for his torture of the English Language, Gibson responded,"Played good, done fine." That is what MB has done as one of the best writers on Lit - "Played good, done fine."

I didn't ask for praise, but I'll certainly take it. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I had been wondering how long after the story ends you wrote it. Your fictitious anniversary pretty well answers that.

I wrote a journal while I was inside, but they didn't let me take it with me when I was released. I started another about six months later, and then a Tumblr blog, but that wasn't in a narrative form. It was short essays about addiction, prison life, etc.

I started writing it in story form shortly after the events in the last chapter took place in May of 2017 and published the first chapter here in July. (And got rejected and had to do a re-write...)

And, BTW, thank you for your chapter by chapter comments. I appreciated them very much.

 

[iwatchus]

Have you thought about trying to sell fall and rise beyond this site?

 

[MelissaBaby]

Have you thought about trying to sell fall and rise beyond this site?

While I may at some point monetize my other stories, I will never make anything off of My Fall and Rise. I don't expect everyone to understand, but I think doing so would take away an important part of what it means to me.

The thing is, it isn't just a story of my redemption, it's also a confession. When I wrote it, with no idea how it would be received, it wasn't just about telling my story as a way to try to exorcise so much that was pent up inside of me, it was also meant as an atonement for all the wrongs I did, the pain I caused people close to me, the damage my actions caused to people I don't even know. To make money off of telling the story would negate that, and, for me, rob the telling of some of its intent.

I'm very flattered when people suggest I seek a publisher for it, but I have no interest in becoming any sort of professional writer. I enjoy writing, tremendously. But it's not my calling. My calling is my work helping others find the path to a better life, as I did.

(If this post sounds like I'm applying for sainthood or something, I apologize. That's not my intent.)

 

[iwatchus]

While money is obviously nice, I wondered about it to get it an audience beyond this site. I think it is a powerful story; whether or not you want to be a professional writer, you are a good enough storyteller to do your story justice.

 

[Not2Pervy]

And

While I may at some point monetize my other stories, I will never make anything off of My Fall and Rise. I don't expect everyone to understand, but I think doing so would take away an important part of what it means to me.

The thing is, it isn't just a story of my redemption, it's also a confession. When I wrote it, with no idea how it would be received, it wasn't just about telling my story as a way to try to exorcise so much that was pent up inside of me, it was also meant as an atonement for all the wrongs I did, the pain I caused people close to me, the damage my actions caused to people I don't even know. To make money off of telling the story would negate that, and, for me, rob the telling of some of its intent.

I'm very flattered when people suggest I seek a publisher for it, but I have no interest in becoming any sort of professional writer. I enjoy writing, tremendously. But it's not my calling. My calling is my work helping others find the path to a better life, as I did.

(If this post sounds like I'm applying for sainthood or something, I apologize. That's not my intent.)

Any profits could be donated to a good charity seeking to help people in these situations. Just sayin…

 

[MaximillianMeen]

From Chapter Seven of My Fall and Rise. In deference to Lit's "true story" rule, this event may or may not have taken place ten years ago today:

***
Wake up call came at 4:30 on my 545th day in prison, just as it had on all the others. Today was different though. I had been instructed to report to Processing at 8:00, and was in administrative limbo until then. My other cellmates shuffled off to the showers, but Alicia lingered. She watched me as I began packing up my state issued items.

"So, how's it feel?" she asked.

"I don't know. Kind of like it's not real yet, I guess."

"Fuck. I've got at least three more years before I am even eligible to apply."

I wanted to hug her, but felt sure she'd push me away.

"Well, who knows?" I shrugged. "Maybe I'll see you on the outside sometime."

"Bitch, if I see you out there, I will knock you on your ass. Stay the fuck away from bitches like me. Go fucking be somebody, and don't fucking come back here."

"I won't."

***

I didn't.

"Alicia" has been in and out several times. To the best of my knowledge she is currently incarcerated.

Did I follow her advice and "become somebody"? I suppose I did. I became a writer, and I will let others judge my success at that. But I became someone more than that. I became someone who works at helping other people who have fallen, or sadly, sometimes willingly jumped through the cracks in society. People like her. People like who I used to be.

I post this, not seeking praise or congratulations, but in reflection. While I am feeling pride in my success, I am thinking about "Alicia," I thank her for her advice and mourn for the somebody that she could have been.

As the years go by, 10 years becomes a shorter and shorter period of time. Congratulations on your past 10 years' accomplishments, some of which I have been able to read here. Best wishes for the next 10 years, and the next 10 years beyond that, and the next 10 years...

 

[SkyBubble]

While I may at some point monetize my other stories, I will never make anything off of My Fall and Rise. I don't expect everyone to understand, but I think doing so would take away an important part of what it means to me.

The thing is, it isn't just a story of my redemption, it's also a confession. When I wrote it, with no idea how it would be received, it wasn't just about telling my story as a way to try to exorcise so much that was pent up inside of me, it was also meant as an atonement for all the wrongs I did, the pain I caused people close to me, the damage my actions caused to people I don't even know. To make money off of telling the story would negate that, and, for me, rob the telling of some of its intent.

I'm very flattered when people suggest I seek a publisher for it, but I have no interest in becoming any sort of professional writer. I enjoy writing, tremendously. But it's not my calling. My calling is my work helping others find the path to a better life, as I did.

(If this post sounds like I'm applying for sainthood or something, I apologize. That's not my intent.)

Your story might help others. If you don't want to make money off it, perhaps you could publish it on a site like Writing.com, where they don't pay, but you get it out there.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I don't think I realised when you posted MFAR how recent that history was. Thank you again for sharing it with us. Still one of the best things on this site.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

While I may at some point monetize my other stories, I will never make anything off of My Fall and Rise. I don't expect everyone to understand, but I think doing so would take away an important part of what it means to me.

The thing is, it isn't just a story of my redemption, it's also a confession. When I wrote it, with no idea how it would be received, it wasn't just about telling my story as a way to try to exorcise so much that was pent up inside of me, it was also meant as an atonement for all the wrongs I did, the pain I caused people close to me, the damage my actions caused to people I don't even know. To make money off of telling the story would negate that, and, for me, rob the telling of some of its intent.

I'm very flattered when people suggest I seek a publisher for it, but I have no interest in becoming any sort of professional writer. I enjoy writing, tremendously. But it's not my calling. My calling is my work helping others find the path to a better life, as I did.

(If this post sounds like I'm applying for sainthood or something, I apologize. That's not my intent.)

If I may, I would be about more than monetizing the story.

When I started this little hobby, I just thought I could do a better job of writing an erotic story than one I'd read somewhere else. The I wrote my second one and the comments and emails started coming in. I touched people, other trans people. I gave them hope, encouraged them, showed them a glimpse of a world that could, or should be. Sure, the stories I have written have been therapeutic for me, but my WHY, my reason for writing them has changed. I now see it as my duty to offer a light in the growing darkness.

Like you, I'm not looking for praise or hoping for sainthood, I'm rather suggesting that you rethink the impact 'My Fall and Rise' could have on people you can't physically reach out to if they read it.

It's a powerful story and you tell it well. Perhaps it can reach some you can't.

Just something to consider...

 

[Omenainen]

From Chapter Seven of My Fall and Rise. In deference to Lit's "true story" rule, this event may or may not have taken place ten years ago today:

***
Wake up call came at 4:30 on my 545th day in prison, just as it had on all the others. Today was different though. I had been instructed to report to Processing at 8:00, and was in administrative limbo until then. My other cellmates shuffled off to the showers, but Alicia lingered. She watched me as I began packing up my state issued items.

"So, how's it feel?" she asked.

"I don't know. Kind of like it's not real yet, I guess."

"Fuck. I've got at least three more years before I am even eligible to apply."

I wanted to hug her, but felt sure she'd push me away.

"Well, who knows?" I shrugged. "Maybe I'll see you on the outside sometime."

"Bitch, if I see you out there, I will knock you on your ass. Stay the fuck away from bitches like me. Go fucking be somebody, and don't fucking come back here."

"I won't."

***

I didn't.

"Alicia" has been in and out several times. To the best of my knowledge she is currently incarcerated.

Did I follow her advice and "become somebody"? I suppose I did. I became a writer, and I will let others judge my success at that. But I became someone more than that. I became someone who works at helping other people who have fallen, or sadly, sometimes willingly jumped through the cracks in society. People like her. People like who I used to be.

I post this, not seeking praise or congratulations, but in reflection. While I am feeling pride in my success, I am thinking about "Alicia," I thank her for her advice and mourn for the somebody that she could have been.

This post lingered with me. Like you, I've had my falls and rises, and I've witnessed others go through theirs. Sometimes I think of it as people having different trajectories to hitting their rock bottom: that's where the direction changes. Sometimes, the steeper the way down, the more rapid and astonishing is the rise. Sometimes, people hit their rock bottom and the impact kills them. How it plays out for any one individual, we don't know until we know.

What I do know is that as long as there's life, there's hope. We don't know what may come of Alicia once she hits her rock bottom and it nudges her on a different trajectory. We don't know what further heights you might still rise. Personally, I am grateful that your rise has brought you here, now, because if your creative expression took any other form I probably would never have known, and my life is better for Gold Dollar Girls (I'm sorry to say I haven't read My Fall and Rise yet). I'm sure the people you help in your real life have more immediate and more substantial reasons to be grateful. All that doesn't mean you didn't have exactly the same value and worth as a human being when you were at your rock bottom, but you have brought light to other people's lives by surviving the impact and living on, and for that I sincerely thank and congratulate you.

Shine on bright, Melissa. Here's for the next ten years.

 

[lovecraft68]

Congrats on your recovery not everyone is able to get their addiction under control.

I'm sure you already know this and speak it to the people you help, but I'll say it anyway. Addiction is never cured, it remains deep down waiting for weak moments. Stay smart and vigilant. My old man has been sober for 43 years at this point and will still say he's 'recovering' and that any day could be that day which is why AA has the one day at a time motto.

You're a great writer and deciding to help others who are also fighting the same battle you did is the ultimate pay it forward.

But if you weren't a writer and went in a different direction career wise, it wouldn't lessen your achievement of being able to rise above. Being a fighter and a better person is the victory, everything else is gravy.

 

[MelissaBaby]

If I may, I would be about more than monetizing the story.

When I started this little hobby, I just thought I could do a better job of writing an erotic story than one I'd read somewhere else. The I wrote my second one and the comments and emails started coming in. I touched people, other trans people. I gave them hope, encouraged them, showed them a glimpse of a world that could, or should be. Sure, the stories I have written have been therapeutic for me, but my WHY, my reason for writing them has changed. I now see it as my duty to offer a light in the growing darkness.

Like you, I'm not looking for praise or hoping for sainthood, I'm rather suggesting that you rethink the impact 'My Fall and Rise' could have on people you can't physically reach out to if they read it.

It's a powerful story and you tell it well. Perhaps it can reach some you can't.

Just something to consider...

I truly appreciate all the kind comments and suggestions.

I think that, in part, I have not considered putting MFAR on another free site is that I have been determined to keep my focus forward, and not dwell too much on the past. But you all have given me food for thought, and I thank you for that.

 

[MelissaBaby]

This post lingered with me. Like you, I've had my falls and rises, and I've witnessed others go through theirs. Sometimes I think of it as people having different trajectories to hitting their rock bottom: that's where the direction changes. Sometimes, the steeper the way down, the more rapid and astonishing is the rise. Sometimes, people hit their rock bottom and the impact kills them. How it plays out for any one individual, we don't know until we know.

What I do know is that as long as there's life, there's hope. We don't know what may come of Alicia once she hits her rock bottom and it nudges her on a different trajectory. We don't know what further heights you might still rise. Personally, I am grateful that your rise has brought you here, now, because if your creative expression took any other form I probably would never have known, and my life is better for Gold Dollar Girls (I'm sorry to say I haven't read My Fall and Rise yet). I'm sure the people you help in your real life have more immediate and more substantial reasons to be grateful. All that doesn't mean you didn't have exactly the same value and worth as a human being when you were at your rock bottom, but you have brought light to other people's lives by surviving the impact and living on, and for that I sincerely thank and congratulate you.

Shine on bright, Melissa. Here's for the next ten years.

Thank you for those very kind words.

I did a little research. The most recent news I could find on Alicia was in a police blotter from her home town. She was arrested for driving after revocation of her license in 2022. Just the kind of trouble she'd get in. But at least she was a free woman at that time.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Congrats on your recovery not everyone is able to get their addiction under control.

I'm sure you already know this and speak it to the people you help, but I'll say it anyway. Addiction is never cured, it remains deep down waiting for weak moments. Stay smart and vigilant. My old man has been sober for 43 years at this point and will still say he's 'recovering' and that any day could be that day which is why AA has the one day at a time motto.

You're a great writer and deciding to help others who are also fighting the same battle you did is the ultimate pay it forward.

But if you weren't a writer and went in a different direction career wise, it wouldn't lessen your achievement of being able to rise above. Being a fighter and a better person is the victory, everything else is gravy.

This is not the first time you have expressed support for me in my struggle, and I need to tell you how much that matters to me. Of course, you know how important encouragement and support is, that's why you are so generous in offering it.

You speak an important truth. I have a very strong support system, and I have had some very lucky breaks. But I know that while I stand on thicker ice than many others, even thick ice can break.

 

[SkyBubble]

If you decide to put your story out to a wider audience (but without pay), Wattpad is a good site where you can serialize it. In fact, they prefer it that way.