Older man

[sirensiren]

Hi
I fell in love with a man 35 years older than me when I was a teenager. Nothing happened between us, and later I brushed it off as a teenage thing. Since then I've been in relationships with men my own age, but recently I've seen the man I was in love with as a teenager again, and realize I still love him. Due to the age difference, I'm wondering if I should get help, also since I know I have some deep resentment towards my own father, I'm wondering if I need professional help. I have a friend who also loves an older man and doesn't think anything of it, but most of my other friends have boyfriends their own age. I've never loved anyone else but him, but I would appreciate advice from you guys about this situation

thank you

 

[Ctoago]

Hey - it sounds like it's only this one particular older man that you are attracted to. If that's the case, you certainly don't seem to have any kind of father fixation.

You don't mention how old you are, but I really have to say - a thirty five year age difference is a lot, at any age. Guessing that the man has to be at least 55 - it wont be easy to sustain a relationship - but if it's what you want, I would at least try and make it happen. Regrets are the worst.

 

[sweetjain]

Maybe you were soul mates in another life? Who knows what makes people attracted to each other. It's too weird to contemplate sometimes. Usually I like women, but every now and then I'll meet a guy who interests me. I think two of the three times this happened, it was with men much older than me. It kind of freaked me out, too.

 

[sirensiren]

I guess I want to know if there's something wrong with me. I'm not looking for a relationship with him as such. I'm just, as you said sweetjain, freaked out. Cause it's been like 13 years and I still feel the same.
I'm wondering if therapy will help me be able to have feelings for someone my own age. So far I am attracted to boys my age but I've never loved any of them..

 

[Malaria]

Although therapy shouldn't do you any harm, you should be prepared for the cans of worms that might be opened. You admit you have paternal resentment so its probably worth sorting that any way. If you have an attraction which you are uncomfortable with I doubt you can be deprogrammed from it. I imagine it'd be like trying to therapy someone out of homosexuality. It shouldn't be done

 

[Noor]

Hi
I fell in love with a man 35 years older than me when I was a teenager. Nothing happened between us, and later I brushed it off as a teenage thing. Since then I've been in relationships with men my own age, but recently I've seen the man I was in love with as a teenager again, and realize I still love him. Due to the age difference, I'm wondering if I should get help, also since I know I have some deep resentment towards my own father, I'm wondering if I need professional help. I have a friend who also loves an older man and doesn't think anything of it, but most of my other friends have boyfriends their own age. I've never loved anyone else but him, but I would appreciate advice from you guys about this situation

thank you

I am more concerned that you love are in love with someone you seem to have little or no relationship with, than their age. A person is much more than their age.

Older men can look deceptively attractive. They appear to have it all together, they rarely ask to borrow money, they are past being stoners and whatever else they were in their youth. They usually have better conflict resolution and coping skills. They can usually afford to wine and dine you. Someone else has usually broken them in sexually and socially.

The reality is you will outlast most men your age by 10-15 yrs, and if a guy is older you must add that to the age difference. I have a good friend who married a man 15 yrs her senior when she was 31. She is now 46 and her husband 61. They have no children but they do have grandchildren. He is reasonably healthy and a good guy, but he is planning his retirement while she is still in her prime working age. He wants to retire to a lake home somewhere outside the city which will not really work for her. For her retirement they are taking into consideration the 25 yrs she will probably be without him.
Men are usually less healthy as they age, although women are catching up in the age of heart disease. Sexually, they don't have Viagra ads on TV for nothing.

Most older men have been married for a while at some point, and the ones who get divorced or widowed often act the age they were before they were married when they start dating again. Older men have usually learned to appreciate sleep and regular schedules.

They often have children, this can be another stress on a relationship.
They are at a different stage of life than someone younger, esp 35 yrs younger
You may want children and they already have grandchildren.

They are hardened, many have lost their idealism, some have sold out for money, stability, societal pressure, others have gotten more realistic (in their minds) or tired of the fight.

I have only really known with a few older men well, and none as older than me as the man you are in love with. Based on my limited experience, as far as relationships go they seem to care for the people they are involved with to a point, but their bottom line that they, their current needs or wants always come first and they don't care whom they hurt or destroy in the process. They can somehow distance themselves from feeling. Maybe that is why as Phil Ochs wrote "its always the old who lead us into war and always the young to fall"

Their hearts are hardened and I can understand it, after the past couple years, mine will probably too if I ever get over it being torn apart and my trust repeatedly abused. I am sure much of the above also applies to older women, its probably just a time and/or experience thing.

If you are really interested in this man and he is available, date him and see what happens. If he is not available put your feelings down to fantasy and go find some other guy who shares your interests and have fun.

Oh I would also like to say that there have been times in my life where I thought I was in love with someone, or knew what being in love with someone was and felt like, and later I found that my feelings were nothing in comparsion to the feelings I had later. I guess they is why they call young love, puppy love.

 

[Noor]

I guess I want to know if there's something wrong with me. I'm not looking for a relationship with him as such. I'm just, as you said sweetjain, freaked out. Cause it's been like 13 years and I still feel the same.
I'm wondering if therapy will help me be able to have feelings for someone my own age. So far I am attracted to boys my age but I've never loved any of them..

I don't think there is anything wrong with you based on this. There are some people you just want in your life, maybe from a past life, who knows. It is easy to mistake wanting a person a round for romantic love, which it may or may not be. Attraction and love don't always go hand and hand, there are lots of people in the world, I am sure there are many you could love and be loved by, the trick is finding them, and then once finding them, keeping them in your life somehow.

I wouldn't feel freaked out about still feeling the same way, feelings don't really change over time unless something happens to change them, people learn to repress them and or maybe not allow them to surface or other people to see them. You know the phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder, well I think that is true, unfortunately the reverse is also true if something is upsetting, it just gets more so over time.

For instance, I woke up confused, upset and crying this morning from something that happened back in feb. It pretty much destroyed another relationship for me, though I still am trying to go through the motions in hopes that somehow I can regain my trust and faith in people in general enough to let myself be open to it, and other relationships again.

 

[sirensiren]

I'm too old for puppy love, I thought it was when I was a teenager, and I had fantasies of us together but I don't have that anymore, but the love is still there. Just not sure what to do with the love

 

[BreeCarter]

Hi
I fell in love with a man 35 years older than me when I was a teenager. Nothing happened between us, and later I brushed it off as a teenage thing. Since then I've been in relationships with men my own age, but recently I've seen the man I was in love with as a teenager again, and realize I still love him. Due to the age difference, I'm wondering if I should get help, also since I know I have some deep resentment towards my own father, I'm wondering if I need professional help. I have a friend who also loves an older man and doesn't think anything of it, but most of my other friends have boyfriends their own age. I've never loved anyone else but him, but I would appreciate advice from you guys about this situation

thank you

if you're legal now, who the fuck cares. do what makes you happy.

 

[Noor]

I'm too old for puppy love, I thought it was when I was a teenager, and I had fantasies of us together but I don't have that anymore, but the love is still there. Just not sure what to do with the love

If it were me I would try to find a place in my life for this guy, just not a romantic relationship. Maybe a good friend? Good friends are hard to find, lovers can be a dime a dozen.

 

[human_male]

I don't know if something's wrong with you, or if it's weird to have a lifelong love for someone you barely know, but just concerning the age difference...

I don't think age matters a jot as long as everyone's legal (unless the guy's a perve of course and has a thing for young girls, and if the girl's still in her teens and the guy's much older I can imagine that causing some grief with people around them). It's how people treat each other that counts, and if you're compatible.

I personally find it a little strange that a young woman would fall for a guy who's much older, '60s or '70s, (speaking hypothetically) but I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I'd just be envious and mystified at what she see's in him. But on the other hand if he treats her right that makes more sense to me than a woman falling for someone who might be her own age but treats her like shit. That to me is weird.

 

[blueboy1957]

If it were me I would try to find a place in my life for this guy, just not a romantic relationship. Maybe a good friend? Good friends are hard to find, lovers can be a dime a dozen.

I understand your advice is good for her if they could become good friends, but....couldn't it be a possible recipe for a heartbreak? Lord knows there are too many of those in a lifetime.

 

[Emes]

My Master is 30+ years older than me and i dont think there is anything wrong with me at all!!

Older men have so much more experience, so much more to give to a relationship. Master has been there for me in a way many of my younger friends havent been. Make time for this man as a friend....who knows what will happen in the future?? We started as friends....


Good luck hun...there is NOTHING wrong with the older man either as a friend or lover




if you want to chat further....feel free to PM me

 

[FaeryFire]

I know how you feel *hugs* but I doubt there is anything wrong with you. My partner is 25 years older than me. I'm younger than his children.

When I found him, I knew he was my "special person" and was devistated because I thought that due to the age gap it would never work. It hasn't been easy, but I don't regret it either.

I think that the first step would be to find out if he has feelings for you also, and go from there. I also second everything Emes said.

Goodluck with whatever you decide.
~Fae

 

[sirensiren]

Thanks so much for all your replies, I feel more normal now
But to you girls who are in relationships with older men, how is the sexlife effected? I've heard so many stories of older men not being able to get an erection etc. Obviously there are other ways to get satisfied, I was just curious if you've encountered any difficulties

 

[LukkyKnight]

That's a lot of years between you.

You haven't said much about his situation, or about what you know about his feelings toward you. One sided affairs are rarely satisfying.

I once noticed a woman very interesting, and nearly missed the opportunity to get to know her better mostly because I figured she was too young for us to have enough in common to serve as a foundation for a close relationship. I was wrong.

 

[Emes]

Thanks so much for all your replies, I feel more normal now
But to you girls who are in relationships with older men, how is the sexlife effected? I've heard so many stories of older men not being able to get an erection etc. Obviously there are other ways to get satisfied, I was just curious if you've encountered any difficulties

The only difficulty i have is keeping up with Him!!!!!

I wont deny that sometimes we have problems but no more so than any other man of any age. Any problem can be overcome though and the good times Master and i have far outway the not so good.....

 

[FaeryFire]

We've had some problems, due to his baggage from the relationship before this one, but now things are looking up. It's been difficult, I don't deny that, but very worth it. No problem is so huge it can not be overcome with patience, love and creative minds.

When his problems are not rearing their ugly heads, the sex is awsome. There is a lot that can be said for experience. - Which is one of the reasons the effort to help him overcome these problems was so worth it.

 

[sirensiren]

It sounds great, I feel so much more relaxed about this now thanks to you guys

 

[MR.GGG]

I'll SECOND that

""if you're legal now, who the fuck cares. do what makes you happy.""

When there are emotions involved and you aren't gonna get him arrested for having anything to do with you - go for it. Wurst (sic) you can do is make an OLD man happy.

 

[Kandi]

Maybe you were soul mates in another life? Who knows what makes people attracted to each other. It's too weird to contemplate sometimes. Usually I like women, but every now and then I'll meet a guy who interests me. I think two of the three times this happened, it was with men much older than me. It kind of freaked me out, too.

Don't let it freak you, love. But be choosy, cause you deserve the best. We all do.

 

[Lydya_H]

Hi sirensiren

I don't think you should be concerned, I have a strong preference for older men, my fiance is 11 years older than me (I am 24) and I have had a string of relationships with guys even older recently as we have experimented, I like middle aged men in their late 30's to mid 40's, I like how they treat me, like ordinarily they couldn't find a girl as young as me who would go near them or be so willing, I like to feel inexperienced and exploited by them, and they're so capable

To be honest my Dad died when I was very little and I don't remember much about him, but I think he is one reason I prefer older men because sometimes I imagine I am having sex with my Dad, I know people may think I'm sad but it makes me happy, and I have been lucky to have men who know about this and will act accordingly for me, not only do I find it really arousing sexually but it is comforting as well. I don't think there is anything shameful about it.

Obviously your memories of you Dad will be very different to mine, but I hope you realize that you're not alone and should not feel ashamed about it

 

[maritxu69g]

if you're legal now, who the fuck cares. do what makes you happy.

I share this opinion

Besides I'm into an older man myself at the moment.. no so much older but quite.

 

[Virgin Man]

Thanks so much for all your replies, I feel more normal now
But to you girls who are in relationships with older men, how is the sexlife effected? I've heard so many stories of older men not being able to get an erection etc. Obviously there are other ways to get satisfied, I was just curious if you've encountered any difficulties

I realize that this post is somewhat old, but I wanted to comment not so much for Sirensiren's benefit (I'm sure that she's got it all figured out by now), but for the beneift of those who, in the future, might stumble upon this thread looking for answers.

As a somewhat older man, let me tell you that you needn't worry (if you still have any doubts).

Older men, while me may not "recover" as quickly as younger men, have a different perspective on Sex. For the average young man, sex was about self-satisfaction, getting it off, getting in her pants. It was a bit narsesistic, and very self centered. Having aged and matured, we now understand that its about giving, about pleasing your partner. While we might not be able to "reload" as fast as we used to, we understand that there are other ways to please a woman. I, for one, am very happy to spend significant amounds of time working on my SO's chest....kissing sucking, etc. When she was healthy, it gave her great satisfaction and some of the best Orgazisms that she had.

So, in short, enjoy your older man. There is nothing wrong with either the relationship or his ability to please you.

 

[thirty]

Thanks so much for all your replies, I feel more normal now
But to you girls who are in relationships with older men, how is the sexlife effected? I've heard so many stories of older men not being able to get an erection etc. Obviously there are other ways to get satisfied, I was just curious if you've encountered any difficulties

If seems that you are concerned the sex, I guess it will be not that easy.
Age gap is not a problem, but 35 years older is.
Although there are other ways to get satisfied, but PIV is always the most important part.

You may try to get involved, if he is single. It doens't always mean that you will finally marry him.
We can only live once, the process of getting involved step by step can be enjoyable.