Okay, so your heart breaks...

[A Desert Rose]

and it is over.

Can you remain friends? Is it possible for you to retain that part of a relationship which has also been sexually intense?

I am not able to do this. But I would like to hear what others have to say.

 

[curious2c]

I don't know ADR. I would hope that would be possible but sometimes things in a serious relationship can take you places that you cannot recover from very easily. Perhaps with time, it will heal and possible to start over as friends.

A quite a bit of it depends on the reasons for the break up too. There can be unrecoverable things said that can not be over looked.

I hope you find your answer. I know I may not have been much help for you here...just hope in some way it has helped you.

 

[Shadowsdream]

and it is over.

Can you remain friends? Is it possible for you to retain that part of a relationship which has also been sexually intense?

I am not able to do this. But I would like to hear what others have to say.

Today it may be impossible to be friends as the pain will over shadow the good memories of laughter.

Nothing in life is an absolute but one thing that is certain...when it is over at least one of the partners will be in intense pain and there will be residues of anger and dissapointment.

It is not a time to question your worthiness nor to second guess your decisions.

An example...a male sub trainee of Mine fell into a depression when I was considering moving back to Canada. he disappeared and stopped contact with all of his BDSM friends. he was hurt and angry and afraid and turned down the chance of being Mine because he thought I would not return to Sweden.
he could not be friends with Me because his pain was too deep.

I was made aware of how deep his pain was through another Dominant and sent him a message requiring his response.

The end of a long term relationship where he had fallen in love with Me, the end of a friendship on his side..has now become a new beginning and this sub has now beome Mine in reality.

It may take many many months to get back this friendship and it should not be surprising if it does. But there is a VERY big possiblity that the friendship will re-occur.

 

[Hecate]

Re: Re: Okay, so your heart breaks...

I guess I don'T really qualify as I am a sort of "detached" person, alas, I would say YES! still my long term lovers are my best friends today. There was pain about the shift of the relation for starters, but there was never hatred or unnecessary cruelty (open honesty may be felt that way but it isn't cruel on a purpose)

So I say Yes, it can work if it is something both parties are willing to persue. It doesn's simply slide from loveing to friends, it tooka time of distance in which though we never lost contact completely, and all in all, I thik those splits were done with a maximum of retained dignity on both sides.

And I know that many of my freinds are still in a friendly connection with ex-lovers as well - though maybe not on a "best friends- see you daily"- basis.

on a side note:

..has now become a new beginning and this sub has now beome Mine in reality.

And I may just know who that is by seeing him smile again. I am glad to hear it will be working out in the end.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: Okay, so your heart breaks...

I guess I don'T really qualify as I am a sort of "detached" person, alas, I would say YES! still my long term lovers are my best friends today. There was pain about the shift of the relation for starters, but there was never hatred or unnecessary cruelty (open honesty may be felt that way but it isn't cruel on a purpose)

So I say Yes, it can work if it is something both parties are willing to persue. It doesn's simply slide from loveing to friends, it tooka time of distance in which though we never lost contact completely, and all in all, I thik those splits were done with a maximum of retained dignity on both sides.

And I know that many of my freinds are still in a friendly connection with ex-lovers as well - though maybe not on a "best friends- see you daily"- basis.

on a side note:
And I may just know who that is by seeing him smile again. I am glad to hear it will be working out in the end.

You certainly do!

 

[k_girl23]

From my own personal experiences, if I was in love, falling in love, or had very strong feelings for someone and the sexual chemistry was there as well I can't be friends with him. For me I can't forget how things used to be and would get myself in trouble, or become more than friends, instead it would be friends with benifits so to say. When a break up happens with a guy that I love and have amazing sex with I don't try to be friends anymore, it wouldn't work for me. However if the sexual tension isn't there, meaning the sex wasn't great, or if I don't really love the guy then I can be friends. Just depends on what the relationship was like I suppose.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thank you curious, Shadows, Hecate, and k_girl. Your insights and experiences are, I am sure valuable not only to me. Every one of you have stated things that I can relate to in my own experiences, past and present.

I think maybe once the sadness is moved away... we all see clearer and maybe friendship does remain. Of course, that is all provided that the other party wants that too, at some point.

The desire to give (friendship) to someone only to find out they do not want to recieve, causes an emptiness and sadness of it's own.

 

[Goddess Helena]

I think after a break to lick wounds and heal the pain of the break-up, a friendship would be possible. I have a bond with My boy that will not end when he leaves me. I will always be there to aid him as much as I am able. Whether I like him at that moment or not. I also enjoy his company far too much to ever let go of that friendship. It will not be easy to see him with another, but I will be proud of the man he has become and the happiness that he will find on his own.

They say time heals all wounds.

I like to think 'they' are right.

I hope time moves quickly to help you with yours, ADR.


Helena

 

[A Desert Rose]

They say time heals all wounds.

I like to think 'they' are right.

I hope time moves quickly to help you with yours, ADR.


Helena

Me too.

Thank you, Goddess.

 

[MissTaken]

I have been able to remain friends with ex boyfriends who were not into the lifestyle.

However, after having tried to maintain contact with my first Dom after our break up and failing miserably, I no longer try or believe I can be friends with a Dom once the sex and intimacy are withdrawn.

Why?
The relationship has already been defined by the power exchange. Being friends would probably follow in the same vein. He would expect things, I would try to please, and we would both be disappointed.

The relationship will and would always be D/s and could lead to greater ramifications when the time came to seek out another.

Just my two cents.

As always, many hugs, ADR

 

[Ebonyfire]

and it is over.

Can you remain friends? Is it possible for you to retain that part of a relationship which has also been sexually intense?

I am not able to do this. But I would like to hear what others have to say.

Well, being poly, never have all my eggs in one basket.

As a (not so great) man said, "One monkey don't stop the show!

I may feel sad, but I always have someone who is ready, willing and able to console me in my time of need.

I am a very pragmatic Domme.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have been able to remain friends with ex boyfriends who were not into the lifestyle.

However, after having tried to maintain contact with my first Dom after our break up and failing miserably, I no longer try or believe I can be friends with a Dom once the sex and intimacy are withdrawn.

Why?
The relationship has already been defined by the power exchange. Being friends would probably follow in the same vein. He would expect things, I would try to please, and we would both be disappointed.

The relationship will and would always be D/s and could lead to greater ramifications when the time came to seek out another.

Just my two cents.

As always, many hugs, ADR

Thank you MissyT.

I understand what you are talking about perfectly well. You articulated it very well.

Time will tell for me I guess. It has been a long time since I have felt like this. I am not sure how it will play out.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Okay, so your heart breaks...

Well, being poly, never have all my eggs in one basket.

As a (not so great) man said, "One monkey don't stop the show!

I may feel sad, but I always have someone who is ready, willing and able to console me in my time of need.

I am a very pragmatic Domme.

You are a wise Domme. I wish I were as pragmatic as you and a lot less emotional.

Thank you Eb.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Okay, so your heart breaks...

You are a wise Domme. I wish I were as pragmatic as you and a lot less emotional.

Thank you Eb.

Not everyone can live as I do. We all have different needs and ways of getting those needs fulfilled. The trick is finding a way that works for you.

I had to adjust my thought processes and the way I was raised to deal with the realities of My own life.

Nothing is perfect, but I I find that when my grandchild is older, I will have a hell of a lot of interesting stores to tell him.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Okay, so your heart breaks...

Not everyone can live as I do. We all have different needs and ways of getting those needs fulfilled. The trick is finding a way that works for you.

I had to adjust my thought processes and the way I was raised to deal with the realities of My own life.

Nothing is perfect, but I I find that when my grandchild is older, I will have a hell of a lot of interesting stores to tell him.

You should write a memoir, Eb. It would not only be interesting and entertaining, but very educational too.

Thank you for your insight. It means a great deal to me.

 

[zipman]

I think time heals most wounds and the amount of time needed depends on the intensity of the relationship and the individuals involved.

About 8 years ago, I was madly, madly in love with a woman and we lived together for about two years. It ended incredibly abruptly (she up and decided to leave me). I was devastated beyond belief and the depression that followed caused me to avoid almost all interpersonal relationships on any level. What that means is I avoided any face to face contact with both friends and family. I hated her not for breaking up with me, but for the way she did it.

To make a long story short (which it is already too late to do , she got married and we didn't speak again until 9/11 when she called my parents house to find out if I was okay. She left a number and I had to decide whether or not to call her back. I did, and we now speak about once a month, and it is great. She apologized for the way she left, and once I heard that, I was able to move past the pain of how she left and was able to laugh and remember all the fun we had in the two years we were together.

So I would say time and closure together can make it possible.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I think time heals most wounds and the amount of time needed depends on the intensity of the relationship and the individuals involved.

About 8 years ago, I was madly, madly in love with a woman and we lived together for about two years. It ended incredibly abruptly (she up and decided to leave me). I was devastated beyond belief and the depression that followed caused me to avoid almost all interpersonal relationships on any level. What that means is I avoided any face to face contact with both friends and family. I hated her not for breaking up with me, but for the way she did it.

To make a long story short (which it is already too late to do , she got married and we didn't speak again until 9/11 when she called my parents house to find out if I was okay. She left a number and I had to decide whether or not to call her back. I did, and we now speak about once a month, and it is great. She apologized for the way she left, and once I heard that, I was able to move past the pain of how she left and was able to laugh and remember all the fun we had in the two years we were together.

So I would say time and closure together can make it possible.

An excellent post, zip and one that ends the lie that men do not suffer as women do when a relationshp ends.

Eb

 

[zipman]

An excellent post, zip and one that ends the lie that men do not suffer as women do when a relationshp ends.

Eb

That wasn't the only time I've had my heart broken! The one thing I am incredibly thankful for is that I never let it make me bitter.

If I had, I wouldn't have appreciated the wonderful woman I met or invested in growing the close relationship we have. In short, I would have missed out on the best thing that has ever happened to me by being angry and bitter.

 

[curious2c]

An excellent post, zip and one that ends the lie that men do not suffer as women do when a relationshp ends.

Eb

Men do suffer...I think that they don't show or talk about it because of the 'strength' thing. You know...men are not supposed to show their pain or hurt. I think most men have had pain and loss from a break-up in their lives. How each handles it denotes their view of themselves and their 'manliness' or 'maleness'. It is of course, a personal and private thing usually so other people won't see them being less than...well...a man.

 

[Desdemona]

ADR, I don't know the answer. After the breakup, I thought I could be friends with a former Dom. A part of me still wants that friendship but the anger about how things ended is strong. For now, I need distance but I hope that time will allow us to recapture our friendship.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Men do suffer...I think that they don't show or talk about it because of the 'strength' thing. You know...men are not supposed to show their pain or hurt. I think most men have had pain and loss from a break-up in their lives. How each handles it denotes their view of themselves and their 'manliness' or 'maleness'. It is of course, a personal and private thing usually so other people won't see them being less than...well...a man.

Wonderfully put.

 

[SexyChele]

and it is over.

Can you remain friends? Is it possible for you to retain that part of a relationship which has also been sexually intense?

I am not able to do this. But I would like to hear what others have to say.

I have tried to remain on good terms with all of my exes. That does not mean we continue talking on a regular basis, but we understand that the breakup is something good for each of us.

It's not always that simple, however! And there are 2 exes that I simply cannot have contact with. One was my former Dom who turned out to be a stalker, suicidal, and a whole list of other things. The other is fairly recent, and whether we will ever speak again is totally up in the air at this point.

Which brings up a point. Right after a breakup, I simply cannot be friends, even if I initiated the breakup. I have to let the hurt settle, the disappointment of an ended relationship play itself out, grieve, get over the pain. I need to relive my memories to myself, learning to concentrate on the good things shared and expressed. It hurts to think of him with anther woman, and I don't want to think, see, or hear about it. So, typically, I have a period of about a year or so (depending), before I am open to initiating contact. Once I have it out of my system and have moved on, I actually find it quite easy to be friends. I base all my relationships on friendships first, romantic involvements later, and that seems to help.

I still go out occasionally with my last ex-b/f, and we can be totally at ease with each other. We talk of current people we are interested in, knowing the other can tell us things about each other that most cannot not. It can be a wonderful thing, if one is able to do it.

I don't know about a Dom, though. My one long term Dom that I broke off with, I tried to stay friendly, but he wasn't ready for the relationship to end, and things got ugly. Very ugly. I think that left a bad taste in my mouth. Not sure if it was just him, or a dominate personality in general.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Okay, so your heart breaks...

It's not always that simple, however! And there are 2 exes that I simply cannot have contact with.

Chele, I can identify with this.

I have two exes, that I refuse any and all contact with. I doubt if I will ever feel differently.

Sometimes you just have to love some folks from a distance..in my case may it stay a very great distance.

 

[A Desert Rose]

This is a hard topic for me for numerous reasons.

I want to guard some of what has happened of late, for one thing.

But mostly because it is so close to me still. I am in the middle of a forest and cannot see the way out quite yet. I am still pulled and torn and not sure where this is going.

Your responses have all been terrific. It is especially nice to hear from the men. I wonder if He feels any of what I do? My heart tells me, no. I love hearing from you all.

 

[SexyChele]

This is a hard topic for me for numerous reasons.

I want to guard some of what has happened of late, for one thing.

But mostly because it is so close to me still. I am in the middle of a forest and cannot see the way out quite yet. I am still pulled and torn and not sure where this is going.

Your responses have all been terrific. It is especially nice to hear from the men. I wonder if He feels any of what I do? My heart tells me, no. I love hearing from you all.

Rose, when you are in the midst of a trama such as a break up, it seems the bleakest hour. I know - going through that right now. And I understand about wondering if he feels as you do. Chances are very likely that he does. When I initially went through all the break ups that I have, most of my despair (lack of a better word, here) was caused from wondering if the had truly loved me, if they continued to think about me, if they had been affected, if they were going through the same hell I was. You know what? After the dust settled and we were able to talk (sometimes up to a year and a half later), I had discovered that yes, they did. In fact, they were agonizing over whether I felt the same way.

The thing is, when the break up is new and raw, it's hard to sort out feelings and come to grips with what is going on. It's just something you have to deal with, unfortunately.

I don't know your specifics, but know that I feel for you and hope and wish you find peace in your life very soon.