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Now this was really funny

A WOMAN'S POEM





He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.
 
callinectes said:
This confused me. These are mistakes?? I think I will send this to Daddy so he can correct the error of his ways. :devil:
Click to expand...

Wait a minute... I love most of that stuff. :confused:
 
Muahahahaha!!!

U.K. Girl Unknowingly Had "Friend From Hell" Tattooed On Her Back

Dorset, England (AHN) -- A teenage-girl just wanted to impress her mother by having the word "mum" tattooed on her back in Chinese letters. After the tattoo was completed, the girl found out that the symbols meant "Friend from hell."

A local paper said Charlene Williams, 19, only discovered something was wrong with her tattoo when a passing Chinese woman shouted at her, "Evil, evil, very bad."

"I was shocked and angry," Charlene said. "Dad joked it said chicken chow mein. It was worse than that."

The 19-year old girl said she paid $20.43 when she had the Chinese characters tattooed on her back four years ago in Poole, Dorset. After the horrifying incident, Charlene covered the characters with an image of a leaf design tattoo that cost $81.72.​

So? I'm a sadist, remember? :rolleyes:
 
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to ! have
a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from
12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "! Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You
know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge
beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills
just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR
ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND
EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A
DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --
 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!
 
Today is International Disturbed People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows,
see dead people,
or occasionally pee yourself...

You hang in there sunshine,
you're Bloody special!!!
 
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked
"Is that one word or two?"
 
Stress Diet

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the
stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars



Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Send
this to four women and you will lose two pounds. Send
this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you
will Los e 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will
gain 10 pounds immediately. That's why I had to pass this
on, I didn't want to risk it.
 
Last edited:
m wisdom said:
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked
"Is that one word or two?"
Click to expand...

That's soooo bad. LOL
 
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:



1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort a and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."



3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.


4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."


5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."


10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we welcome you to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, " Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airw ays."


20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
 
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100 . People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-render ed belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
 
UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM

> Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.

> Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that Person

is

> not running the country!

>

> 1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in

> your Head)

> 2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT

> theArea code)

> 3. Multiply by 80

> 4. Add 1

> 5. Multiply by 250

> 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

> 7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

> 8. Subtract 250

> 9. Divide number by 2

>

>

> Do you recognize the answer ??
 
graceanne said:
UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM

> Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.

> Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that Person

is

> not running the country!

>

> 1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in

> your Head)

> 2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT

> theArea code)

> 3. Multiply by 80

> 4. Add 1

> 5. Multiply by 250

> 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

> 7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

> 8. Subtract 250

> 9. Divide number by 2

>

>

> Do you recognize the answer ??
Click to expand...

Thats weird!
 
LAWS OF LIFE




- Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to urinate.

- Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
- Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
- Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
- Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
- Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
- Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
- Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
- Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
- Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
- Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
- Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
- Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
- Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
- Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.
- Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
- Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
- Oliver's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Wilson's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)
- Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
 
Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning;
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows
that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job six
years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke
cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to
work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college, he
doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump this bum! Good grief, woman; you don't need him anymore.
You're a Senator from New York and a candidate for President of the United
States. Act like it.
 
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