Now this was really funny
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graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore;
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
"LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore;
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
"LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."
Yang4yin
Bored by the Critics
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A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it when it was on special.
The woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES - PINCH MY NIPPLES - PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The Manager comes to the woman and asks "Ma'am whats wrong?"
She explains the problem with the toaster and he also tells her that she can't get a refund as she bought the toaster on special. At which point the woman throws up her arms in the air and screams, "PINCH MY NIPPLES - PINCH MY NIPPLES - PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
In doing so she draws an even bigger crowd! In shock and distress, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman replies, "Because I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm being screwed."
The crowd broke into applause, and her money was quickly refunded!
The woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES - PINCH MY NIPPLES - PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The Manager comes to the woman and asks "Ma'am whats wrong?"
She explains the problem with the toaster and he also tells her that she can't get a refund as she bought the toaster on special. At which point the woman throws up her arms in the air and screams, "PINCH MY NIPPLES - PINCH MY NIPPLES - PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
In doing so she draws an even bigger crowd! In shock and distress, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman replies, "Because I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm being screwed."
The crowd broke into applause, and her money was quickly refunded!
snowy ciara
Nerdalicious!
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- Jul 26, 2004
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- 6,403
THE SEAMSTRESS..
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?'
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed
it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, 'Yes .'
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep,
and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank,
and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'
'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands,
so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
A.Woman.
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?'
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed
it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, 'Yes .'
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep,
and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank,
and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'
'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands,
so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
A.Woman.
Gil_T2
KICK ASS !
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graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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- Jun 22, 2004
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graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to th e house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awar ded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE :
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...
2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Ev en though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLA CE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Al so not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to th e house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awar ded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE :
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...
2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Ev en though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLA CE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Al so not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
nh23
Daddy's chunky monkey. :)
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Does youtube keep locking up on you? Like it will play for a few seconds and then lock up for a few seconds? It never used to do that and it's driving me insane.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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- Jun 22, 2004
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graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
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CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard
on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started and have never finished.'
So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream,
a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription with the last of the scotch, the rest of the cheesecake, some
Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on
to those who you think might be in need of inner peace.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard
on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started and have never finished.'
So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream,
a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription with the last of the scotch, the rest of the cheesecake, some
Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on
to those who you think might be in need of inner peace.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Gil_T2
KICK ASS !
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2002
- Posts
- 19,757
Gil_T2
KICK ASS !
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2002
- Posts
- 19,757
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Confusion was understandable at a Chinese buffet serving sushi to a mostly Hispanic clientele. To avoid a painful mix-up, the owners posted this warning: "Wasabi es muy caliente. No es guacamole." ("Wasabi is very hot. It is not guacamole.")
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot.
"Who are you?" the burglar asks.
"Moses," the bird replied.
"Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed.
"I dunno," Moses answered," I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
"Who are you?" the burglar asks.
"Moses," the bird replied.
"Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed.
"I dunno," Moses answered," I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
