Now this was really funny

[shy slave]

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

 

[shy slave]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS​

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH


1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

[graceanne]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"



"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."



"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

 

[graceanne]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.

When he found out his father was in poor health and he was going to
inherit
a fortune, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening he attended an investment conference where he spotted the
most
beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an
ordinary
man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and
I'll
inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she
became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

 

[graceanne]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks
her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of
the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she
said
to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us,
get it
warm, and let it go in the morning? "He says, "OK, Get in the car with
it."
The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it
between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" said the wife. "Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died
at the scene.

 

[graceanne]

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking,
"surely I Can't Look That Old." Well.. You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Jennifer Grand, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First
Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full
Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy Wit H The Same
Name Had Been In My High School Class 40 Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy
That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought. This Balding,
Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My
Classmate.
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He H Ad Attended Morgan Park High
School . "yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.

"when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.
He Answered, "in 1967."
Why Do You Ask?'
"you Were In My Class!", I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat Ass,
Gray-haired, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, "what Did You Teach?"

 

[graceanne]

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky:

Just go back in the house, pour another cup of coffee, and stay there.
It probably isn’t going to be a good day.

 

[graceanne]

http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/life/life.htm

 

[graceanne]

I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her
head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do
is step into this room right here, strip to the
waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear? '
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This
ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber
of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda
flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm.
Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad
so we can get everything?'
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised,
and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other b ** b wedged between those two 4 inch
pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a
zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a
snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this
vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy
puppy... the door's wide open so you'll have the
emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she
disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl,
maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-n O ked
and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and
the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to
my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied
with as much calm as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did
thanks."!
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved
good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at
the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing
a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress
her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you!
And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"


...And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her
head ended up between the clamps...

 

[graceanne]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew s he likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. A nd my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her sp are time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that .
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

[graceanne]

A man wanted to get married.
He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do
with the money.


The first does a total make-over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new make-up
and buys several new outfits,
then dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this
to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs,
some new gizmos for his computer,
and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts,
she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him
because she loves him so much


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5,000
and reinvests the remainder
in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save
for their future
because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time
about what each woman had done
with the money he'd given her.




Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.





Men are like that, you know.






There is more money being spent
on breast implants
and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer' s research.
This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection
of what to do with either of them.

 

[graceanne]

Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al
first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

Al replies: 'Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was
your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''

God thinks for a second and says: 'Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

God then addresses Bill. 'Bill, what do you believe in?''

Bill Replies: 'I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never
held a grudge against my fellow man. And I hope no grudges are held
against me.''

God thinks for a second and says: 'You are forgiven, my son. Come and
sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Hillary. 'Hillary, what do you believe in?''

She replies: 'I believe you're in my chair.'

 

[graceanne]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

Way Too Cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button

AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

Awesome!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn
spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer

than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.?? All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4
inch in

circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I
touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...Holy Mother Of
God, Weapons Of Mass Destruction!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in
the

recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest
position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before,

licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid,
do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would
be
considered conservative.

Son-Of-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace.
How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!

 

[LilyBart]

Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al
first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

Al replies: 'Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was
your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''

God thinks for a second and says: 'Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

God then addresses Bill. 'Bill, what do you believe in?''

Bill Replies: 'I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never
held a grudge against my fellow man. And I hope no grudges are held
against me.''

God thinks for a second and says: 'You are forgiven, my son. Come and
sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Hillary. 'Hillary, what do you believe in?''

She replies: 'I believe you're in my chair.'

Precious and perfect. Or Perfect and precious. I did just love this. Makes me miss having 2nd graders in the house... ...sigh....

 

[Sir_Winston54]

How do you tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Southerners? Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the
knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make
this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:
BANG!

Southerner's Answer :
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of
reloading).
Wife: "Hun, he looks like he's still moving, whadda y'all kids think?"
Son: "Mama's right Daddy, I saw it, too."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The King had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But the kingdom was a sad place. There was no laughter, and no joy. The problem was, that everything the Princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic...anything she touched would melt!! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his beautiful daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The King was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her touch, would marry her and inherit the King's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first Prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. When the Princess touched it, it melted... The Prince went away sadly.

The second Prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But, alas, once the Princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third Prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand...and it did not melt!!

The King was overjoyed! Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! And the third Prince married the Princess and the both lived happily ever after.

The question is?!?!?!?

What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket???

They were M&M's, of course. THEY melt in your MOUTH, NOT in your HAND!!

(What were YOU thinking?)

 

[Sir_Winston54]

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you... you know... eat their... 'things'??" The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

One guy is very upset and yells at his friend, "You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for what you did."

"Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I pay twice?"

~~

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"

~~~

At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat hidden in his jacket. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?" Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"

 

[cherokee_dove]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The King had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But the kingdom was a sad place. There was no laughter, and no joy. The problem was, that everything the Princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic...anything she touched would melt!! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his beautiful daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The King was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her touch, would marry her and inherit the King's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first Prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. When the Princess touched it, it melted... The Prince went away sadly.

The second Prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But, alas, once the Princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third Prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand...and it did not melt!!

The King was overjoyed! Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! And the third Prince married the Princess and the both lived happily ever after.

The question is?!?!?!?

What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket???

They were M&M's, of course. THEY melt in your MOUTH, NOT in your HAND!!

(What were YOU thinking?)

ROFLMAO...omg SW, thank You. That one calmed me down wayyyyyy fast.

 

[chauderlos]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

 

[graceanne]

How do you tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Southerners? Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the
knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make
this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:
BANG!

Southerner's Answer :
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of
reloading).
Wife: "Hun, he looks like he's still moving, whadda y'all kids think?"
Son: "Mama's right Daddy, I saw it, too."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

I heard that then the wife said 'YOU ARE NOT STUFFING THAT ONE AND PUTTING IT ON THE WALL!"

 

[m wisdom]

Random MAN Thoughts !

1. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember, what I chose.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men-'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

9. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. Note: When the hell was this written??

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

12. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

13. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man 's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

14. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

 

[m wisdom]

Danish language

This especially funny for danish people

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-mOy8VUEBk&feature=related

 

[graceanne]

THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having Girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.

I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.

Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughte r.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!"

 

[graceanne]

6 Truths of Life







1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.



























2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try
it.











3. The first truth is a lie.
















4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.















5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.










6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.