Now this was really funny

[graceanne]

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. Don't tie up the phone
12. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

 

[graceanne]

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
- Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have a ny beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

 

[graceanne]

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation (SOME DAY!)

 

[Gil_T2]

CAT LOVER OR NOT, YOU'RE GONNA LAUGH AT THIS ONE..... Just try to

picture the scenario in your mind as you're reading.........

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one
recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was
just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head
injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my
head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam.

"Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects
she
spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under
the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt
at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging
from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,
in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when
the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact
knocked me out cold

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding. Somehow
I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

 

[graceanne]

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the
bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so
happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here,
Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her
way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at
the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What
are you happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin'
my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out
to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took
her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the
key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She
couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat
down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin'
my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to
me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I
have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took
her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's
either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike!
She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

 

[graceanne]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that
it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will
cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she
will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when
you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take
care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

 

[graceanne]

An Aussie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed
her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

(YOU WILL LIKE THIS)

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

[graceanne]

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot"

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[graceanne]

While I was watching the Masters this weekend, my wife and I got into a
conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids
from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer

 

[WriterDom]

You May Be A Submissive, if:

1. If you hear the term "House Whip" on CNN and then get disappointed that they're talking about politics, you may be a submissive.


2. If a friend of yours tells you she can't get out of the house because she's all tied up....and you get jealous, you may be a submissive.

3. If stocks and bonds fascinate you, but you could care less what happens on Wall Street, you may be a submissive.


4. If you find yourself lying about your birthday just to get in an extra spanking or two during the course of a year, you may be a submissive.

5. If, deep in your mind, you think of tic-tac-toe as a game being played between the X's and The Story of O's, you may be a submissive.


6. If you hear a confused person say, "Beat me!" and you automatically yell out "Me next!," you may be a submissive.

7. If you think the best part of going to church is getting to kneel, you may be a submissive (The same holds true if you make up extra sins at confession so you can get a heavier penance).


8. If you actually wish your Mastercard would give you orders, you may be a submissive.

9. If you think that the three basic materials for bed sheets are linen, silk and leather, you may be a submissive (or at the least, kinky in general)


10. If you call your personal vibrator "Sir," you may be a submissive.

11. If you think your panties look best on you when pulled down around your knees, you may be a submissive.


12. If you see a road sign displaying, "Chains required" and wonder if that means, whips are optional, you may be a submissive.

13. If you read a headline about sub warfare, and picture two naked women cat- fighting over a cute Dom, you may well be a submissive.


14. If you dream of a beautiful leather jacket with a full face hood, you may be a submissive.

 

[graceanne]

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now a days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

 

[graceanne]

1. Men are like ... Laxatives . ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like . .Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .. Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are ! like ......Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like . .Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inchesyou'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like . Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

[shy slave]

An old joke but still funny

Rose decided to add a little spice to her life by renting out an X-rated adult video. So she went to the video store and, after searching around for a while, selected a title that sounded suitably raunchy.

Then she drove home, lit some candles, slipped into something comfortable, and put the tape in the VCR. However, to her dismay, there was nothing but static on the screen and she called the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."

"Sorry about that." said the assistant. "We've had problems with some tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Rose replied, "Its called Head Cleaner."

 

[shy slave]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and
say's hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so
he says "do you know me?"

To which she replies "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife
and says, "my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid

on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped
my
ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?".

She said "no, I'm your sons math teacher."



A change of schools perhaps

 

[graceanne]

A WISH FOR ALL OF THE DIFFICULT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/difficultpeople.jpg

 

[Krinaia]

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now a days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

I laughed my face off at this.... thanks for the excellent come back!!!

 

[Krinaia]

Rose decided to add a little spice to her life by renting out an X-rated adult video. So she went to the video store and, after searching around for a while, selected a title that sounded suitably raunchy.

Then she drove home, lit some candles, slipped into something comfortable, and put the tape in the VCR. However, to her dismay, there was nothing but static on the screen and she called the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."

"Sorry about that." said the assistant. "We've had problems with some tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Rose replied, "Its called Head Cleaner."

tell this in twenty years to someone in their 20s and they won't get it.

 

[Krinaia]

i have spent the morning laughing til i cried...

i wonder how many calories i've burned.

 

[WriterDom]

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....

'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

 

[saw_man1]

i have spent the morning laughing til i cried...

i wonder how many calories i've burned.

If it will save a kitten, I'll stop. Now who else is with me? Let me see a show of hands.

 

[Gil_T2]

i have spent the morning laughing til i cried...

i wonder how many calories i've burned.

but does it count if it's your sub who is masterbating you???

 

[Gil_T2]

If it will save a kitten, I'll stop. Now who else is with me? Let me see a show of hands.

let me get tis right..... by thinkin of pussy & masterbating you kill a kitten.

 

[Gil_T2]

New PCness and how to speak to women



Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be

referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore..



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."


2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."


3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF
THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."


6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."


7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets
"CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."


8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."


9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."


10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."


11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."


12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY."


2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."


5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS"


6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."


7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."


9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."


10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."


11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE

 

[shy slave]

If it will save a kitten, I'll stop. Now who else is with me? Let me see a show of hands.

I can show you one hand, the other is ummmm busy.

BUT I am praying for the kitten at the same time, does that help?

 

[Ebonyfire]

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE

Just say NO to crack!

Eb <who is in pain from laughing>