Now this was really funny
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Gil_T2
KICK ASS !
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2002
- Posts
- 19,757
It's hard to believe people like this exist. Some of them are determined not to be helped. They must have been born & raised in a deep mine shaft and only brought out for these shows!
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the capital of France? - F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? - Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25) Something slippery? - A conman
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30) Something red? - My sweater
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?
DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the capital of France? - F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? - Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25) Something slippery? - A conman
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30) Something red? - My sweater
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?
DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
Gil_T2
KICK ASS !
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2002
- Posts
- 19,757
Fw: Sun City Stories
>
>
>
>A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
>groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
>good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
>upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid
>eighties).
>
>The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,takes a
>sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>Getting Old
>
>An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
>
>He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
>of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
>
>The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
>said,
>
>"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
>
>be really pleased that you can hear again."
>
>The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around
>and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>Getting Old
>
>Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
>under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old
>now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
>
>How do you feel?"
>
>Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
>
>"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
>
>"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>Getting Old
>
>An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
>the wives left the table and went into the kitchen The two gentlemen were
>talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
>was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
>
>The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
>
>The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
>that flower you give to someone you love? You know.. the one that's red and
>has thorns."
>
>"Do you mean a rose?"
>
>"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
>and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
>night?
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>Getting Old
>
>Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
>
>However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--
>already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who
>insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
>
>After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
>the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
>
>"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
>of her hospital gown."
>
>
>
>A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
>groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
>good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
>upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid
>eighties).
>
>The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,takes a
>sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>Getting Old
>
>An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
>
>He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
>of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
>
>The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
>said,
>
>"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
>
>be really pleased that you can hear again."
>
>The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around
>and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>Getting Old
>
>Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
>under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old
>now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
>
>How do you feel?"
>
>Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
>
>"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
>
>"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>Getting Old
>
>An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
>the wives left the table and went into the kitchen The two gentlemen were
>talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
>was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
>
>The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
>
>The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
>that flower you give to someone you love? You know.. the one that's red and
>has thorns."
>
>"Do you mean a rose?"
>
>"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
>and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
>night?
>
><><><><><><><>
>
>Getting Old
>
>Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
>
>However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--
>already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who
>insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
>
>After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
>the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
>
>"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
>of her hospital gown."
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
For those who love maths
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
Ain't this all the truth?
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,
then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% and, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
Ain't this all the truth?
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,
then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% and, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
greenmands
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2005
- Posts
- 1,719
greenmands
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2005
- Posts
- 1,719
Thank you Sir Andante. They are great. 
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
This is cute! Watch what happens after you send it on!
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
greenmands
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2005
- Posts
- 1,719
Graceanne, you left out:
13 When he asks you where's the fire, DON'T answer : In your eyes officer.
13 When he asks you where's the fire, DON'T answer : In your eyes officer.
Xelebes
Little Blue Alien
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2003
- Posts
- 13,068
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
Vanilla Slavery
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so
much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other... Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a Calloway 50-inch Big Bertha screwdriver rammed up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so
much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other... Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a Calloway 50-inch Big Bertha screwdriver rammed up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day,
"I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "
The wife responded,
"Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain
from sex for one whole month".
The couple agreed and after two and a half weeks returned to the
Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is
crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so
soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly
ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the
required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was
difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed
to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold
showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds
off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of peas and dropped it When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had
my way with her right then and there admitted the man, shamefaced
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church",
stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head.........
"We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore, either.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day,
"I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "
The wife responded,
"Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain
from sex for one whole month".
The couple agreed and after two and a half weeks returned to the
Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is
crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so
soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly
ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the
required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was
difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed
to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold
showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds
off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of peas and dropped it When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had
my way with her right then and there admitted the man, shamefaced
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church",
stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head.........
"We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore, either.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Subject: Drive safe
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
