Now this was really funny

[graceanne]

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

[graceanne]

Safe Sex Dress

 

[graceanne]

Just got these in an email. Some are funny, some are cute, and some are just mildly amusing.

 

[graceanne]

and some more

 

[graceanne]

and more

 

[graceanne]

this is it . . .

 

[graceanne]

AUSTRALIAN DEFINITION OF A TRUE FRIEND



This is true Australian humour.



Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet

"friendship" poems, that never come close to reality?



Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:



1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the

Sorry B*&tard who made you that way.



2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.



3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.



4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every

Chance I get.



5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much

Worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.



6. When you are confused - I will use little words.



7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well

Again, I don't want whatever you have.



8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy self.



Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can

Only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.

 

[Gil_T2]

AUSTRALIAN DEFINITION OF A TRUE FRIEND



This is true Australian humour.



Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet

"friendship" poems, that never come close to reality?



Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:



1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the

Sorry B*&tard who made you that way.



2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.



3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.



4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every

Chance I get.



5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much

Worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.



6. When you are confused - I will use little words.



7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well

Again, I don't want whatever you have.



8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy self.



Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can

Only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.

Can't see a problem with that.

 

[greenmands]

Graceanne, you have way too much time on your hands.

 

[graceanne]

Graceanne, you have way too much time on your hands.

LOL As much as I would like to be able to say that I find these all on my own, I have a friend (who's retired) who emails them to me. I actually get way more than I post here, but I only share the ones I find funny or think others will find funny.

 

[graceanne]

Have you ever been . . .

. . . this tired?

 

[kayte]

. . . this tired?

Thank you graceanne ~ Those just say it all.

 

[graceanne]

My owners an idiot . . .

 

[graceanne]

My friend's on a roll today.

Anyway . . .

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell,
The difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done.

Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

 

[graceanne]

Thank you graceanne ~ Those just say it all.

I just noticed this . . .

You're welcome. Considering how tired I am it was just fitting. lol

 

[kayte]

My friend's on a roll today.

Anyway . . .

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell,
The difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done.

Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

That is so great!

Thank you again.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Won't see this on Sunday

Click me.

 

[raven2]

That is so great!

Thank you again.

I agree that is very funny. Actually, in reality, Bluefooted Boobies (yeah boobies) that live in the Galapagos can be differentiated by the sounds they make. The male makes a nice melodious whistle and the female a loud unpleasent honk.

 

[shy slave]

Click me.

Funny how I can think of men who would want to be that guy

 

[graceanne]

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes"delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not
open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your
credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on
your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting
company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole
milk.

***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look
at you - you're on the computer!!!!

 

[graceanne]

Warning....
For those with no children - this is totally hysterical...For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control...The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things Ive learned from my Boys (honest)...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boys voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" its already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.


12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant Walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

[graceanne]

The perfect family vacation picture . . .

 

[graceanne]

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.
Again she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Again, her husband died.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed
for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said. "Lord,
they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

 

[graceanne]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in
a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps
staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin
as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife.
She took to drinking right after we divorced
seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long."

 

[graceanne]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed
for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks....................And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."