Novice Dom Reources

[nomdeguerre33]

I have had a superficial exposure to BDSM in the form of having read a couple books, using some basic restraints and minor knowledge of some rope work on a few lovers; just enough knowledge beyond not being unfamilar, or rather just knowing a tad more than your average vanilla bear.
However, looking to become a bit more serious about learning about it after my current GF expressed her interest. We have spoken about it, and what it could mean, and we are basically very good at communicating with each other, so no real concern on that front.
However, I have been a bit stymied in terms of finding out more information on how to cultivate a sub, especially a newbie sub, from the very beginning, a "How To" so to speak.
My plan was to begin by giving her a journal to begin writing her fantasies and thoughts, afterwards develop our initial scene.
Ultimately, looking for a road map to developing a sub and learning more how to Dom.

Any insight is appreciated.

Thanks.

 

[CutieMouse]

There are books, websites, seminars, resources out there, however...

What do YOU want from her [as your submissive]?

I ask, because I went through a phase where I absorbed knowledge voraciously. Except that very little that I read "applied" to me, as an individual. My relationships aren't structured around some sort of formula. Household manuals would not fly [here]. I had to find my own path, and so did my partner.

Do you want a sexual submissive? Anything kink-wise that's super important to you? What about service? Do you want to do things that require education/training (anything from suspension to tea service)? Domestic? Research assistant? All around kick ass, cultured, help mate? What's YOUR goal here, as the head of the relationship?

 

[Netzach]

What CM said. There's far too much emphasis on trying to get newbie Dominants interested in "what you should want to want" versus what youwant.

So I would seriously ignore everyone for a while, even ignore what you know about your partner, and blue-sky what you would want from a submissive. YOU need the journal.

Then let your partner, reality, and physics even, dictate how you have to scale. Wish I'd done this more.

 

[JamieJ424]

I agree with CM too. When I started I would come here and read some posts that would simply horrify me and leave me thinking, is THAT what I have to do?

The answer is no, of course not. It's very much an internal journey of self discovery.

J

 

[nomdeguerre33]

Thank you for your responses and you have given me somehing to think about. However, I am looking for a better resource regarding the tools of that path to discovery. I am imaging protocals for an initial session, perhaps certain emphasis on particular type of training in the beginning sessions - ie, a breaking down then building back up in order to inculcate a submissive mentality. Then again perhaps I'm simply over thinking.

I am curious to know from Doms what they do when taking on a new sub, and taking on a new sub who is a newbie at beig a sub.

Thanks again.

 

[klippert]

If I may take a chair in this conversation.

I don't recall where I found this particular drawing... it was a man and woman, both in restraints...but not such a picture that was showing torture... it was very erotic and rather tame from what I have seen surfing for more drawing and pix.

Now to the point... Mrs K and I have been sparing for a while regarding soft (lite) bondage...this began one evening during a very hot and heavy teasing of one another...when is came to 'fucking' she was on the bottom...she told me to hold her hands about her head (she was on her back)....instead of holding her hands, I used a long sleeve shirt that was there and tied her hands... spur the moment....

Since.....This drawing caught my eye. I saved it, emailed it to her... asking if she thought it was erotic....

she said...she would like to tie me up...little butt spanking etc. her being Dominant.....I'm kool with that, but, we are both dominant personalities... and she likes being submissive... I guess roll reversal.

So what I'm looking for ....more Soft bondage photos or drawing....when i search, I find bondage...as i scroll down...it's really hardcore...I know flat out, that will turn her off and I'm not getting in that deep. pictures of couples erotica... not this human abuse...trust me, everyone has a fetish, some like being whipped.

plus finding sites that help with this is just as bad. I'm very aware of safety, safe words the whole niner... not to mention...I'm rather skilled with knots...
She said she did like me sending her erotic/soft bondage pix.... I know, anything depicting pain.....will end this quicker than it started...

 

[midwestyankee]

Thank you for your responses and you have given me somehing to think about. However, I am looking for a better resource regarding the tools of that path to discovery. I am imaging protocals for an initial session, perhaps certain emphasis on particular type of training in the beginning sessions - ie, a breaking down then building back up in order to inculcate a submissive mentality. Then again perhaps I'm simply over thinking.

I am curious to know from Doms what they do when taking on a new sub, and taking on a new sub who is a newbie at beig a sub.

Thanks again.

I'm having a really difficult time following what you're saying here. When you say you are "imagining protocols for an initial session" it's completely unclear where you think you are headed. Do you already have an end in mind? If so, you should have been able to answer CM's questions about what you're looking for. Without an end in mind, how can you possibly determine what kind of training will be necessary? Training is about getting an end result and you don't seem to know what your desired end result will be.

This sounds like a chicken-before-the-egg problem that resulted in a bad omelette.

 

[JamieJ424]

Definitely overthinking it. There's no breaking down and building up. It's not a military bootcamp/brainwash that's happening. It's a relationship between two like minded, consenting adults with defined roles and complimentary kinks.

I would say, before you do anything else, start writing some of your own BDSM stories. Borrow elements and ideas from other stories, but write what turns you on. That will help clarify what you want and expect in your own mind.

J

Thank you for your responses and you have given me somehing to think about. However, I am looking for a better resource regarding the tools of that path to discovery. I am imaging protocals for an initial session, perhaps certain emphasis on particular type of training in the beginning sessions - ie, a breaking down then building back up in order to inculcate a submissive mentality. Then again perhaps I'm simply over thinking.

I am curious to know from Doms what they do when taking on a new sub, and taking on a new sub who is a newbie at beig a sub.

Thanks again.

 

[Stella_Omega]

If you have imagined protocols, and you think they would be satisfying to you and her-- then use the protocols you've imagined. BDSM is a DIY proposition. It should be tailored to suit your needs-- you don't tailor yourself to suit some imaginary standard.

I gather that you and she really do know what "submissive" and "Dominant" means. But it might be useful for both of you, to read my little essay, just to double-check that you are on the same page;

Top. dom. sub. bottom. And the differences between them. AKA "Stella's usual rant."

If you really are going the D/s route, my friend Bob Rubel has written some of the very few books on hetero master/slave dynamics, that concentrate on the relationship issues.

Hope that helps!

 

[nomdeguerre33]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

 

[CuteBrat]

i would recommend Fetlife dot com. It's free....and you can read threads about the real life challenges and rewards of D/s and M/s.