When I was growing up I was very tomboyish... I completely rejected the ideas that were traditionally held for females. Wanted to play the games that boys played... liked being around them. As I grew older, I really hated being emotional... learned to hold it back.. since I saw feelings as being more or less pointless... or at the very least, inconvenient. I liked more physical aspects of life... not so much the emotional. Needed something more 'real'. I liked the way the girls looked... but never really wanted to 'be' a girl... rather just wanted to 'be with' a girl. I wanted to be the protector... I wanted to be viewed as strong and capable... But alas, life saw fit to make me short, petite, and to a certain degree... 'cute.' This just frustrated me more... as there was no way anyone would ever take me seriously. At least not on first impressions.
I didn't like to be referred to as female... always seemed to ruffle my feathers. But when I was referred to as a guy by friends (who had forgotten I was a girl through familiarity)... it was always just a little pleasing to hear. I have always been able to relate to guys... view things as they do... even caught a few guys off guard during first impressions. On the internet I've had several guys claim I was a guy trying to act like a girl... lol. I have no idea how women think, or why they do the things they do. All I've ever been able to do is observe, remember, and hope like hell that they'll do the same thing again next time... or else I'll be lost.
Always felt inadequate about my body... didn't really care for breasts (and thank god they weren't huge or they'd really be in the way), and always disappointed to see what was there and what was lacking. Kept pushing my body... overworking it... mostly out of frustration with its apparent lack of physical strength and stamina... never could keep up with the other guys. Made me feel weak and to a certain degree.. pathetic. My voice isn't shrill... it's a little low for a female.. but still feminine nonetheless... and so displeasing to my own ears... Just felt like it wasn't me that was talking...
When I was with girls... it felt right. I loved making them feel special, doing things for them --- almost anything to make them smile. Liked the feeling of being the breadwinner... the one that fixed the leaky radiator... saved up the money for the pretty little pebble (though is shiny, but seemingly overpriced)...
But when I was with guys... it always felt kind of weird... I liked them, but I felt submissive... awkward... as though I was inferior and couldn't possibly compete. I can't explain it, I just felt like their 'bitch,' even if they were nice and really didn't do anything to make me feel that way. The competitiveness was always there.
Now I'm in a relationship with a guy that makes me feel different. Somehow he brings out my more feminine side and I don't feel awkward, submissive, or out of place with him. I don't feel masculine either... and yet I'm ok with that... I'm filled with the desire to learn more about my femininity, the desire to be pretty, to act like a female, and to make him happy. I find a balance between this unfamiliar feminine side and this more comfy masculine side. I feel so much... so many emotions that I want to learn about... the desire to be nurturing and caring... to enjoy the beauty in things... I don't think I ever realized there was a part of me like this... It's like I'm learning how to be female, and learning to enjoy it at the same time... It's all so strange.
I really don't know what to think of all this...
I didn't like to be referred to as female... always seemed to ruffle my feathers. But when I was referred to as a guy by friends (who had forgotten I was a girl through familiarity)... it was always just a little pleasing to hear. I have always been able to relate to guys... view things as they do... even caught a few guys off guard during first impressions. On the internet I've had several guys claim I was a guy trying to act like a girl... lol. I have no idea how women think, or why they do the things they do. All I've ever been able to do is observe, remember, and hope like hell that they'll do the same thing again next time... or else I'll be lost.
Always felt inadequate about my body... didn't really care for breasts (and thank god they weren't huge or they'd really be in the way), and always disappointed to see what was there and what was lacking. Kept pushing my body... overworking it... mostly out of frustration with its apparent lack of physical strength and stamina... never could keep up with the other guys. Made me feel weak and to a certain degree.. pathetic. My voice isn't shrill... it's a little low for a female.. but still feminine nonetheless... and so displeasing to my own ears... Just felt like it wasn't me that was talking...
When I was with girls... it felt right. I loved making them feel special, doing things for them --- almost anything to make them smile. Liked the feeling of being the breadwinner... the one that fixed the leaky radiator... saved up the money for the pretty little pebble (though is shiny, but seemingly overpriced)...
But when I was with guys... it always felt kind of weird... I liked them, but I felt submissive... awkward... as though I was inferior and couldn't possibly compete. I can't explain it, I just felt like their 'bitch,' even if they were nice and really didn't do anything to make me feel that way. The competitiveness was always there.
Now I'm in a relationship with a guy that makes me feel different. Somehow he brings out my more feminine side and I don't feel awkward, submissive, or out of place with him. I don't feel masculine either... and yet I'm ok with that... I'm filled with the desire to learn more about my femininity, the desire to be pretty, to act like a female, and to make him happy. I find a balance between this unfamiliar feminine side and this more comfy masculine side. I feel so much... so many emotions that I want to learn about... the desire to be nurturing and caring... to enjoy the beauty in things... I don't think I ever realized there was a part of me like this... It's like I'm learning how to be female, and learning to enjoy it at the same time... It's all so strange.
I really don't know what to think of all this...
