Norwegian jokes about Sweden !!!!

[DannyBoyUK]

These have probably occurred in other (racial sterotype) formats but maybe there is less chance of offending people using the Scandinavian humourous battle ground !

(I couldn't believe that I found the website that contained them)

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Swede joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, ``He's Swedish.'' Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, ``He's Swedish.'' The bartender finished, ``Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Swedish, too.''
The customer replied, ``I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times.''

 

[DannyBoyUK]

After travelling through Sweden last summer, I noticed that they had something written on the bottom of their soft drink bottles, "Åpnas på andra sidan" (Opens on the other end).

 

[DannyBoyUK]

The Stockholm police got a wanted person report from interpol. With the fax there was a picture of the criminal, from right, left and straight on. Four days later the swedish police sent the following fax to interpol: "We've found the guys on the left and the right, and one of our officers are about to arrest the guy in the middle."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A swede was in a nightclub in New York, dancing with a beautiful woman. He whispered into her ear, "I love you." She smiled and whispered back, "I love you too!" There was a little pause, the swede was thinking, then he whispered, "I love you three."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A swedish space-scientist came running into the office of his norwegian colleague. "The swedes will be the first to send a manned spaceship to the sun," he said. The norwegian colleague responded, "But the temperature will be millions of degrees there!" The swede stood there for a few seconds thinking, then he said, "Oh, don't worry, we will be landing during the night."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway. Soon a norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling. The norwegian suggested that the swede let the air out of the tires. The swede looked angrily at him, "You moron! The truck is stuck up on top."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A norwegian and a swede were at the movie theatre, and the norwegian bet that the hero would die during the movie. The swede didn't believe him, and they ended up betting 100 Kroner on it. When the movie was over and the hero was dead, the swede began to give the money to the norwegian, but the norwegian interrupted him "I already saw the movie, so I knew he was going to die. Keep the money." The swede replied, "oh, I also saw the movie before, but I didn't think he would be tricked twice."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

This letter is too heavy," the post-clerk stated, "You will have to put on an additional stamp." The swede looked wonderingly at him, "Will it be lighter then?" he asked.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A swede, a norwegian and a dane were arrested in France during the french revolution. They each got to choose which way they would die. The norwegian chose the guillotine, because he saw it as the latest fashion. His head went under, but the blade stopped 1 inch from his neck. The french saw this as a sign from God or something and decided to let him go. The same thing happened to the dane. Then they asked the swede how he wanted to die. "I think I'll die by hanging, that guillotine doesn't work anyway," he said.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A swedish road-worker was hired to paint the line that goes down the center of the road. The first day he managed to paint 2 kilometers, and his boss was very pleased. The next day he only painted 200 meters, but his boss thought that he'd probably started off too hard on the first day. But on the third day he was only able to paint 20 meters. The boss called him into the office and demanded an explanation. "Well, you see it's getting so darn far to walk all the way to the paint bucket," the swede explained.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

In the washroom of all swedish resturants there is a sign saying, "Never throw your cigarette into the toilet. Remember that it is difficult to light up a wet cigarette.."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

There were these two swedish twins who looked so incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really knowing about it.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

One foggy night off the southwestern coast of Norway, a Swedish battle ship received a radio signal in Norwegian telling it to shift course 10 degrees to the west. The Swedish captain bristled, and replied that the sender should shift HIS course 10 degrees to the east! Moments later the reply came telling the Swedish ship to move 10 degrees to the west. "I vil NOT!" screamed the captain. He turned to the radio operator and yelled, "Yu tell dat dumb norveegian to shift 10 degrees to da east!" Again came the reply to the Swede to shift his course 10 degrees to the west. By now the captain was livid, and he signaled "NOW YU LOOK HERE, I AM A CAPTAIN ON A SWEDISH BATTLE SHIP, AND I AM TELLING YU TO SHIFT YOUR COURSE 10 DEGREES TO THE EAST IF YU KNOW VAT'S GOOD FOR YU!" Moments later came the reply: "Ja, vel I am at the Norveegian lighthouse and you vil shift 10 degrees to da vest, if yu know vat's good for yu!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A swede made a trip to New York and while standing in front of the Empire State building, he started to count all the floors. A policeman came by and thought to himself: "That one must be swedish" and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that it's illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?" The swede replied: "No sir, I did not." The police officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted." The swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors sir." The police officer left, very happy. Then, a swedish comrad came along and asked what had just happened. His friend replied: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had really counted 51!"

 

[penguindance]

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Two Swedes were in Norway on a visit and they were wondering about all the beautiful buildings. One of the Swedes went over to a Norwegian and asked how they managed to build such beautiful buildings. The Norwegian brought the Swede to a wall and laid his hand on it. Then he asked the Swede to hit it. First the Swede didn't want to, but then finally he hit as hard as he was able to. The Norwegian quickly pulled his hand out of the way and the Swede got all his knuckles smashed. The Norwegian said, "It's a question of intelligence." The Swede went back to his buddy who wondered if he'd gotten his question answered. - "Yes," the he answered and put his hand on his forehead, "Hit my hand!"..

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Once there were two swedes who were called in for an IQ-test. The first swede went in to take the test, he got 2 points because he had come, 2 points because he had understood the letter and he got 2 points for being able to find his way to the place where the test was held. Yet, he was marked as a swede because he didn't know what IQ meant. Next, the other swede went into the room where the test was being held. He got the same number of points plus 2 extra points for knowing what IQ meant, and he got approved as 8 points was the minimum limit to pass the test. When he got out of the room he told his buddy, "Jag, er intelligent!" (I am intelligent), where upon his friend answered "Inte jag heller" (neither am I).

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Then there's the story about the swede who was building himself a house. One of his friends came by and asked why the heck he threw away every second nail? "They have the nail-head in the wrong end", the man replied.
His friend became furious with him and shouted, "How stupid can you get? Don't you realize that those nails were made to be used on the other side of the house???"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

There was this Norwegian who was on vacation 'over-there' in Florida. All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of alligator-shoes, and now he thought he would finally be able to get around to buying a pair. Gator shoes are of course expensive, and haggling down the price didn't help. Finally the Norwegian yelled out in anger, "Bare behold de elendige skoene dine. Skal det være på den måten, skal jeg pinadø leie meg båt, dra oppover sumpene her, fange meg en alligator og lage skoene selv!!!!" (Sigh.. In English: Just keep your lousy shoes. If that's how it's going to be then I'll just get myself a boat, go out into the swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!).. The owner of the store just looked stupidly at him, "Yeah, sure, and give my best regards to the Swedes who're already up there trying to do what you just told me."
The Norwegian runs to a boat-rental and gets a boat, then he heads out into the swamp. After a while he finds two Swedes standing up to their knees in the water. Both of them are holding a spear pointed at the water. "det må være svenskene." (that must be the Swedes) the Norwegian thinks. Suddenly there's a movement in the water and an alligator swims towards one of the Swedes. The Swede is standing there like a statue, just waiting for the big gator to get closer. When the gator is close by the Swede stick his spear into the gator, and with a bit of fighting he get's the beast onto the land, where there is a big pile of gators. The Swede turns the gator on his back and examines it's feet, and then finally utters, "Satan också! Inte sko på den haer heller." (Damn! No shoes on this one either!)..

 

[DannyBoyUK]

It was Olympics time and the Russians had sent their best man to compete in the wrestling competition. This man was famous for one thing, and that was the 'iron grip', if he got anyone into that grip, then they were as good as dead-meat. The Swedes were studying video cuts of this wrestler, and it dawned upon them, that if their competitor managed to avoid falling into this 'iron grip', they could win. The best of the Swedes finally made it to the final, and so did the Russian. It started good, the Swede managing to get a in couple of points. Then when there was only a half minute left the Russian managed to get the Swede into his 'Iron Grip'. The Swedish coach walked depressedly back to the locker room. As he entered he heard the crowd roar outside "Sverige, Sverige, Sverige! ". The wrestler entered the locker room cheering. The coach looked at him wonderingly, and asked, "How did you get out of the 'Iron-Grip'?" The wrestler was gasping air, "Well, as I was lying there, trying to get out of it, I saw these two nuts just hanging there in front of me, and I just thought: 'this is the Olympics; it is only held every 4th year; this is my big chance, it's now or never.' Soo, I put 'em in my mouth and bit as hard as I could.. and I can promise you one thing, if you bite your own balls that hard you can get out of any grip."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Once there was two Norwegian and a swedish testpilot who flew a SAAB-JAS fighter plane. Suddenly the plane caught fire and everyone realize that they'll have to bail out. The problem however seems to be that there are only two parachutes in the plane. The swede suddenly interrupts, "Intellektet mitt er for stort til at det kan gaa tapt. Jag tar den ena skjaarmen och hoppar." [My intellect is so big that it can't possibly be lost to mankind. I will take one of the parachutes.] Then he goes and the two Norwegians is left. "What are we going to do now?" one of them is asking. "Well, we'll just jump. The great intellect grabbed my back-sack."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A norwegian, a dane and a swede was stranded on an desert island. But then they met a good fairy who would grant them one wish each. The norwegian wished himself back to Oslo in Norway, the dane wished himself to Copenhagen in Denmark and suddenly they were both gone. The swede suddenly being alone there on the island wanted to be with his friends so he wished them both back.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

The Russians have found a new easy way to sink Swedish subs. The method is very simple, they just send a diver down to knock on the sub's hatch. Upon which the Swedes reply, "Kom inn" (Come in). After the diver has waited awhile he knocks again, and then the Swedes will open the hatch to see who it is.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Tormund was by the norwegian seaside looking for shrimps. He found a fisherman and he asked him if he had any shrimps. "Yeah, I've got 2 tons of norwegian shrimp and I've got 1 swedish shrimp." Tormund looked quizzically at the fisherman and asked how he could tell the difference between a norwegian and a swedish shrimp.
"Easy,"the fisherman said. "Just look in front of the ship. There's a shrimp there beating on her chest, whilst she's crying: I am a lobster! I am a lobster!"