Normal behavior of my partner?

[simonab1990]

Hi all. I would need some advice from you. 6 months ago i met guy to a dating app, we understood well from the start, we had attraction, chemistry, all package. He is cute, smart, funny, have a good job, he was attentive to my needs, he supports me emotionally, he always bought me gifts, flowers, and he made me feel loved. After a while, i discovered that he was into BDSM staff, he is dominant and likes ditry talking in bed, to play roles, likes he likes to handcuff me, spanking, flogging, nipple clips. At first, i was surprised and...what the h**l, then i got used to it and discovered that side submissive from me. Then summer started and i found that he likes me to dress sexy not only in bedroom, but also when we got out, he bought me short dresses and skirts, some of them shorter than i ever wore when i was 20(now i am 32 years old), he wanted me to sunbath topless and i did that too, even if i don't like when other people stare at my body. Then things went further and he became more dominant and bought me shorther dresses or sheer dresses, split dresses and wanted me to wear them braless and pantiless with 5,6,7 inch heels. I told him that i can't wear some of them without flashing people and he joked that in the worse case i will make someone a better day. Last month it was a friend of his's wedding and he bought me a backless metallic sequin mini dress and wanted me to wear it without undies to the event. I told him that the dress was made for a photo shot, not to be worn outside, especially if you are guest to a wedding, was almost sheer, had a lot of cleavage and was way too short. I tried it over and over again in front of the mirror and i told him that i won't wear that dress. I wore a silk mini dress that was inappropriate for the event anyway, but he got angry and was grumpy all night. All men were staring at me and made me compliments about my outfit, but was not sexy enough for his request, he reproved me that spend a lot of money for the dress and i didn't appreciated it. When we got home, he spanked me harder than anytime, that let me marks for the next 2 days and bruises for the whole week. The next day he told me that he will make a food delivery and to forgive me, he wants me to answer the door completely naked to the delivery guy. I refused at first, then he told me that would be a real turn on for him and pushed me for a few days, until i did that. I have never felt so humiliated in my entire life, i was standing in the front of the door only in my birthday suit, being exposed for a random guy, just to please my boyfriend. Can this go any further? I really love him and i don't wan't to brake up, but this is too much. Should i try to talk with him, or to run away as far as i can?

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Absolutely. This behavior is totally normal for an abusive dickhead and a bad Dom.

D/s relationships aren’t a free vending machine for the whims of dominants.

They’re built on an agreement (the more explicit the better) between two or more humans where the submissive agrees to give up power within the areas and boundaries the submissive chooses, and the dominant agrees to exercise power within those areas and boundaries.

Yes, a dominant’s gonna push your boundaries, with an awareness of how you’re responding. That’s a good thing.

This is not that.

It sounds as if you’ve never talked with him about limits. You’re a novice and he’s experienced. He should have initiated that talk and made sure that there were no misunderstandings.

He didn’t do it, so you should. Tell him you want to talk about limits. Be explicit. Put it in writing. If he tries to tell you that asking for a D/s agreement is somehow misbehaving or topping from the bottom, call bullshit. If he won’t agree to make your boundaries part of your relationship, call an Uber.

You have a right and a duty to lay out your terms.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Is it normal?
A lot of what goes on in BDSM relationships wouldn’t be called normal anyway and it doesn’t really matter.
What does matter is whether you want this in your relationship.

Can this go any further? I really love him and i don't wan't to brake up, but this is too much. Should i try to talk with him, or to run away as far as i can?

You are the one who has to make that call.

It doesn’t really matter if everyone here, The High and Mighty International Council of BDSM or whoever has an opinion on the topic thinks it is normal/wrong - you are in charge of and responsible for setting and upholding your boundaries and limits.
Doing so always comes with consequences. It is quite possible that your partner might decide that he doesn’t want to live within those limits. It’s worth to remember that not doing so comes with consequences as well, because you are responsible for the things you do. He told me to, is not a defence when you are acting in your private life.

You have a right and a duty to lay out your terms.

So yes, a right and a duty to be clear about those limits.

You’re a novice and he’s experienced.

He might be experienced but it’s possible that the only head start he had, was knowing he found these things hot.

 

[SissySalina]

First: Is this normal, it can be for some people but as a whole in BDSM it is not.
The relationship is built on TRUST, if you cannot fully trust him then there is no relationship.
As in all relationships communication is important but in BDSM it is vital, yes he should push your limits but he needs to know that limit that pushes too far and that is what the communication is for. A good Dom will push you slowly and in controlled steps. One of the first steps should have been devising a normal limit and what is and is not permissible, BDSM is an area that pushes limits and boundaries, warnings and hard limits need to be established but as the relationship progresses these can change but that change must be agreeable between both parties which requires communication.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Iris and Salina offer thoughtful, articulate perspectives on this, but vote for me for The High and Mighty International Council of BDSM, and I promise substantial bipartisan investment in new ball gag technology.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Iris and Salina offer thoughtful, articulate perspectives on this, but vote for me for The High and Mighty International Council of BDSM, and I promise substantial bipartisan investment in new ball gag technology.

DGE - always the best incentive for developing better ball gags!

 

[wicked woman]

I'd be asking yourself why it is so important to please your boyfriend that you'll humiliate yourself, go against your good judgement and involve those who haven't consented to be part of your boyfriend's games?

Can it go further? Absolutely, if you let it...but why would you?

If it were me, I'd be telling him something rude and getting as far away from him as possible. He's acting like a Svengali and making you into whatever he wants and you're going along with it. Be yourself, not what he wants. They clearly aren't the same thing.

 

[Missk_2022]

You have to remember you are submissive but that doesn't make you stupid or available at the whims of some egomaniac who wants to wheedle your submission... a good dom talks and doesn't pout. If you feel humiliated and forced.... you aren't being submissive you are going against what your brain says is over the limit... limits and boundaries are important. If he responds like a 3 yr old crybaby to you when you try to talk to him ....HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU...and he spanked you extra hard???? Really he is something else... what is next

 

[IrisAlthea]

involve those who haven't consented to be part of your boyfriend's games?

Yes, making a spectacle at a friends wedding and involving people who can’t tell you to piss off because the customer is always right, really stood out to me.

 

[Wonderer67]

Yikes. Safe sane and consensual are the backdrop of bdsm. And communication needs to be a critical part of the relationship.

Have you ever had conversations about control, limits and safewords?

This stretches the sane and consensual part. Because if you were coerced into saying yes to the delivery scenario then it really wasn’t consensual, imo.

This is escalating and where and how does it end?

If it’s too much for you as you stated, then you know what you need to do. If it were me, I’d be outta there.

Bdsm and kink and sex should be fun. Relationships should be fulfilling and work for both partners.

Sounds like this is neither.

 

[simonab1990]

It sounds as if you’ve never talked with him about limits. You’re a novice and he’s experienced. He should have initiated that talk and made sure that there were no misunderstandings.

He didn’t do it, so you should. Tell him you want to talk about limits. Be explicit. Put it in writing. If he tries to tell you that asking for a D/s agreement is somehow misbehaving or topping from the bottom, call bullshit. If he won’t agree to make your boundaries part of your relationship, call an Uber.

You have a right and a duty to lay out your terms.

I tried to talk with him about this, i told him that it's ok to show more cleavage or my legs, but not explicit my intimate parts in public, not because i am prudish, but because my self respect, i can wear something that it's flirty, sexy, daring, even teasing, but not slutty. I told him that and at first he said that ok, but he was seing appropriate every dress that was completely inappropriate. Even if i saw them sheer, or ending right next to the bottom line, I thought that maybe it was just something in my head if he was saying that they were just fine. Later, he wanted me to flash on purpose, at first without asking that in words, but when we took a taxi from the club or restaurant a few times and i was wearing a mini dress or skirt and no undies, he opened to me the car door and told me to sit on the middle sit and forbidden me to pull down my dress after i get into the car, or to cross my legs or to cover my legs with the purse or phone, it was obvious thet the taxi drivers will see me, i told him that and said that i am not a good slave if i don't do that, or took me out naked with the collar and heels in the building hallway, fortunately nobody exit to see me, and now just asked me to answer the door naked to the delivery guy

 

[simonab1990]

Is it normal?
A lot of what goes on in BDSM relationships wouldn’t be called normal anyway and it doesn’t really matter.
What does matter is whether you want this in your relationship.



You are the one who has to make that call.

It doesn’t really matter if everyone here, The High and Mighty International Council of BDSM or whoever has an opinion on the topic thinks it is normal/wrong - you are in charge of and responsible for setting and upholding your boundaries and limits.
Doing so always comes with consequences. It is quite possible that your partner might decide that he doesn’t want to live within those limits. It’s worth to remember that not doing so comes with consequences as well, because you are responsible for the things you do. He told me to, is not a defence when you are acting in your private life.



So yes, a right and a duty to be clear about those limits.



He might be experienced but it’s possible that the only head start he had, was knowing he found these things hot.

Yes, i understand
My mind tells me to end up the relationship, but my heart tell me something else

 

[simonab1990]

Yikes. Safe sane and consensual are the backdrop of bdsm. And communication needs to be a critical part of the relationship.

Have you ever had conversations about control, limits and safewords?

This stretches the sane and consensual part. Because if you were coerced into saying yes to the delivery scenario then it really wasn’t consensual, imo.

This is escalating and where and how does it end?

If it’s too much for you as you stated, then you know what you need to do. If it were me, I’d be outta there.

Bdsm and kink and sex should be fun. Relationships should be fulfilling and work for both partners.

Sounds like this is neither.

We talked abut sane and consensual, but we seem to have different views about it.
We didn't talked about a safeword, i said just stop, like seems to be ignored more often

 

[wicked woman]

He's escalating and not going to stop. You're going to need to stop doing what he wants.

He's abusive and that usually escalates too. When he doesn't get his way or you don't obey immediately he verbally, emotionally and/or physically abuses you.

He's no Dom. He's an abuser. There's a big difference.

He doesn't care what you want. Doesn't seem to care about you at all. He just wants what he wants and you're the vehicle for him to get it.

Your mind tells you to end the relationship but your heart tells you something else...put your big girl panties on and do the right thing. This is not love and you know it. Better alone than with an abuser and someone whose inappropriate behaviour is escalating. Take your self respect back.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes, i understand
My mind tells me to end up the relationship, but my heart tell me something else

I think we all know that heart, mind and genitals have different opinions at times.
The problem is that you teach people how to treat you and right now you are asking others to take your concerns/boundaries/limits more seriously than you do.
Because a boundary/limit is not something you let people cross repeatedly without consequences.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Yes, i understand
My mind tells me to end up the relationship, but my heart tell me something else

OK. If your pussy is gonna make you jump through hoops to have her permission to dump this guy, then jump. Write your limits down, write your safe word down, print a copy and hand it to him. Tell him that if he doesn’t respect your boundaries, you’re through.

After he disregards your limits within the next week, you can tell your pussy you tried, and to stfu.

 

[simonab1990]

You are right, thanks for your answers

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

You are right, thanks for your answers

Good luck to you. Let us know what happened, and how it’s going finding a bf/Dom/top who wants to treat you as a participant, not a doll. (Unless that’s what you want and consent to.)

 

[simonab1990]

Good luck to you. Let us know what happened, and how it’s going finding a bf/Dom/top who wants to treat you as a participant, not a doll. (Unless that’s what you want and consent to.)

Thanks. I will let you know.
For the moment...we had another talk about boundaries last weekend, we set up a safe word about role play, i will see if he keep his word

 

[DarkPrimalRose]

I've been in your shoes and it's not gonna stop. It's going to get worst. For me, it ended when I was on the floor, bruised and bloodied and my nose broken and him threatening to snuff my life because I was his and not a good submissive. I had to leave the lifestyle for a long time to build myself back. Unlike you, I was experienced and he was not my first dominant. I'm saying this to reassure you that it can happen to anyone and that red flags can creep up and abusers do exist in the community despite the precautions in place to protect everyone, even with the emphasis on consent that should make the red flags clear. You are NOT an idiot and as someone who claims to be experienced, HE SHOULD HAVE DISCUSSED LIMITS AND CONSENT. He didn't. He used the fact that you were a novice and that is shitty. I hate that your first experience in BDSM was with a shitbag

You set out your limits. You told him you are not willing to expose your body parts and he still made you do it. He forbade you from pulling down your dress or to cross your legs even though you said you are not okay with exposing your private parts. He ignored your stop. He crossed your hard limit and made you do something that not only hurt you but hurt others because they did not consent to it, such as the people at the wedding and the delivery guy did not consent to your BF's kink. This is someone who does not respect his submissive. That is, in my mind, a sack of shit. Sacks of shits are abusive. Simplistic, but it's based on my experience and truth.

The advice here is excellent. If you need to be really obvious with your limits, then do so, and when he crosses them because he wants to test you, you have to leave. This is about you and your self-worth and your self-respect, not about him.

 

[Wonderer67]

I wish I could like this 1000x.

 

[Missk_2022]

Me too.... she needs to RUN RUN RUN and get the hell out if there.... he is NOT a good dom..... he is not respectful and as Dark Primal Rose says.... a shit bag

 

[simonab1990]

Hi all...i finally broke up with him, my last experience made me take that decision; i am a mess right now, but i hope that time will heal everything. Thank you all for your answers and for the support

 

[IrisAlthea]

Hi all...i finally broke up with him, my last experience made me take that decision; i am a mess right now, but i hope that time will heal everything. Thank you all for your answers and for the support

Standing up for yourself isn’t easy, but you did it and you will feel better with time.

 

[manofewords]

If you're not enjoying what you are doing, then it's abuse. Simple.