Newbie Looking To Get Into BDSM

[Prince_of_Heart]

Hi guys,

I'm a 20-something college student and I've been becoming more and more interested in Domming but I have no idea where to start.

Any suggestion?

 

[Stella_Omega]

What do you think of, when you say "Domming?"

A method of lovemaking? An expression of your personality? A revenue source?

(there are no wrong answers, don't worry about that)

 

[knot_sweet]

Hi guys,

I'm a 20-something college student and I've been becoming more and more interested in Domming but I have no idea where to start.

Any suggestion?

Hi and welcome.

This section of the forum is a great place to start. There's a great library of threads organised alphabetically by subject stickied in the top section of the forum. Have a look through it. I can garauntee at least some of the questions you might have will be answered. And probably a thousand you hadn't thought of.

If you're not much of a person for bac*****ing, write yourself a list of points about being a dominant that interest you and the questions you have about each point. It will help clarify what your main concerns and interests are so that when you ask the helpful, knowledgable folk here we can offer more direct advice relevant to what you want to know, rather than random good advice you might not need.

Also, sign up to fetlife.website. There is great information on that site about groups in your local area that meet regularly for chats, classes you can attend to learn the more hands on skills you might need, and event listings for club nights and expos etc. It's a great way to meet other people with similar interests.

Lastly, everyone has different ideas and opinions on BDSM. In the end, you're going to have to do this in ways that feel right for you. If you stick at this long enough, you'll probably find your interests and limits will shift. It's a lifelong learning curve.

But it's the best ride ever. Enjoy.


Eta - why does back reading blank itself out?

 

[Prince_of_Heart]

Thank you both for the responses, especially the link to fetlife.com. My biggest hurdle, I think, is finding actually places IRL that can teach me what I want to learn about a subject most people feel uncomfortable talking about. Especially with me being in a new and unfamiliar city.

And to answer your question, Stella. Power is what I want, power is what makes me want to be Dominant. That sounds strange typing it (or at least vague) but I love the idea of being powerful. To be in control. To have someone else look up to me, longing in their eyes, wanting me to want them.

Okay, now it sounds less strange and more cliche. Anyway, that's what I think. Although I guess I still have a lot of introspection ahead.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Damned if I know why it's so hard to take young male doms seriously, sorry. Mostly because power is something that has to be earned, one way or another, at least-- nowadays. And that takes a couple of years, to say the least. I would have been furious to be told that at your age, but at my age-- I'm gonna tell you the same thing.

Introspection, you betcha. Application--learning the skills you need to do what you want to do with the power once you have it--hell yeah.
Old school says learn to be a top by bottoming, learn to wield power by relinquishing it. Consider me old school.

 

[sub_spankee69]

because power is something that has to be earned

This. From the perspective of someone who interacts with people online a heck of a lot, there is nothing more frustrating than PMs or interactions where someone immediately attempts to assert a certain "dominance". Talk to people who have experience and can offer tips, just as you have done by making this post. When you meet people who identify as 'submissive' don't assume that means they will call you "Sir" as soon as you tell them you identify as dominant. Dominance is earned with honesty, respect and time.

I primarily identify as submissive but I have had two f/f relationships where I have 'switched.' Honestly? There was nothing more terrifying to me than going into that situation nervous and new, yet being the one who is ostensibly playing at being in 'control', particularly with an experienced sub. For me, personally (and everyone is different) I like someone to know what my favourite song is and what makes me tick intellectually before I get on my knees. But that's just me

 

[Netzach]

Thank you both for the responses, especially the link to fetlife.com. My biggest hurdle, I think, is finding actually places IRL that can teach me what I want to learn about a subject most people feel uncomfortable talking about. Especially with me being in a new and unfamiliar city.

And to answer your question, Stella. Power is what I want, power is what makes me want to be Dominant. That sounds strange typing it (or at least vague) but I love the idea of being powerful. To be in control. To have someone else look up to me, longing in their eyes, wanting me to want them.

Okay, now it sounds less strange and more cliche. Anyway, that's what I think. Although I guess I still have a lot of introspection ahead.

I got into this when I was 23, which I'm far from now. I'll throw out that I think power is something that can be mutually explored, it's not a question of "earning" but something that can be investigated by two (or more) people together, as long as the lines of communication are open.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being turned on by power from an early age. I just really bristle at this idea that young grasshopper must be tested before he/she dare to express their sexual orientation, and Dominant is an orientation. I empathize a lot with guys getting into this in 20's because I know that there's a lot of barriers to being taken seriously that manifest differently depending on your gender, but are unfair either way.

See if you can find a TNG group (do they still call them this, dorks...) to hook into.

The law of power, as I see it? Just don't be a dick about it or be a dick about being a dick about it, at any rate.

I did learn a lot from bottoming and I recommend this for anyone who is not blanched-white-vomiting-with-trauma at the idea. But don't get stuck there and don't get taken advantage of there either. Don't get cockblocked out of even DARING to flog/spank someone because "you can't be safe" - safe is important, but I've seen experienced people hold onto knowledge like secret sauce recipes because the attractiveness of the young freaks their monopoly out. Dislike.

Oh, what do you want? Like understand what turns you on and if there are technical aspects, learn those.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'll throw out that I think power is something that can be mutually explored, it's not a question of "earning" but something that can be investigated by two (or more) people together, as long as the lines of communication are open.

You ALWAYS give me new ways to think about things.

I just really bristle at this idea that young grasshopper must be tested before he/she dare to express their sexual orientation, and Dominant is an orientation. I empathize a lot with guys getting into this in 20's because I know that there's a lot of barriers to being taken seriously that manifest differently depending on your gender, but are unfair either way.

I don't. I don't care if its a sexual orientation, it isn't always limited to the bedroom. Power in itself has responsibilities and privileges and dangers.

I was oriented towards driving a car-- oh so much-- but I STILL had to 1) learn how to drive a car 2) prove that I could before I got my license, 3) prove that I have insurance in case something goes wrong. And the experience of being a passenger means that I can understand the reactions of my passengers. and... yeah... you know that the most reckless, scariest, unsafest general group of drivers are under the age of twenty... because they are still gathering the experience.

Netz is right about people who hold onto knowledge like its secret sauce. That's because... get this... their need for power is not confined to their bedroom. I bottom to a 24 year old, she learns fucking fast, I got no ego about my number of years making me an uber bottom or something.

I DO have an ego about the depth of knowledge I've gathered in those years. And frankly, shes not able to dominate me, even though that's her nature. She's smart enough, she has the instincts but she's just not experienced enough.

 

[Netzach]

We'll just have to agree to disagree on that. I'm not arguing against the value of learning or taking your time or bottoming first or any of those things, I'm saying that the metric for having gotten to the point where you know enough to control someone else is going to be decided internally anyway, it's really no one else's business.

Don't send anyone to the hospital. Fix what you break. If you want to do something technical, do it right. Beyond that, the right thing to do is up to the people involved.

Sexuality can be unfair, edge, politically incorrect, and messy, and I don't think people need to apologize for that. I think that staying in touch with a snot-nosed entitlement is extremely healthy for a Dominant/Top and not having that bludgeoned out of you entirely. I keep having to rediscover my own because I start to drift into the worry about what other people want, even pushing 40. Eff that!

I experienced a lot of derailment because the community convinced me otherwise.

Don't misunderstand me - I think that the "earn the right" message is the right one, but needs to be scrutinized as to the intent in the message whenever you hear it. A lot of people are liable to hurt others through clueless overenthusiasm, but a lot of people are also liable to get completely stymied and never off the ground.

The very fact that this person even talks about introspection makes me think that I AM DOM HEAR ME ROAR is not the liability in this case. I dunno, I just remember...too well.

We're talking about adults, young though they might be. People with jobs, sometimes children, sometimes caretakers or breadwinners.

You ALWAYS give me new ways to think about things.
I don't. I don't care if its a sexual orientation, it isn't always limited to the bedroom. Power in itself has responsibilities and privileges and dangers.

I was oriented towards driving a car-- oh so much-- but I STILL had to 1) learn how to drive a car 2) prove that I could before I got my license, 3) prove that I have insurance in case something goes wrong. And the experience of being a passenger means that I can understand the reactions of my passengers. and... yeah... you know that the most reckless, scariest, unsafest general group of drivers are under the age of twenty... because they are still gathering the experience.

Netz is right about people who hold onto knowledge like its secret sauce. That's because... get this... their need for power is not confined to their bedroom. I bottom to a 24 year old, she learns fucking fast, I got no ego about my number of years making me an uber bottom or something.

I DO have an ego about the depth of knowledge I've gathered in those years. And frankly, shes not able to dominate me, even though that's her nature. She's smart enough, she has the instincts but she's just not experienced enough.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well, let's put it this way; OP most certainly has the right to earn the right.

And after all, he's not going to be my dom. and yeah I acknowledged the introspection thing.

And yes, I got bludgeoned too. Big motherfucking time.

So, OP. Let's combine the advice; Understand that you need to learn how to drive the fucking car-- because you WANT to drive the car, and all the while you are passenger never forget that you intend to get behind the wheel yourself.

So while you are learning what it takes to be submissive, if you go that old school route-- or how the rope and the flogger feels-- or how being penetrated feels- ALSO be learning HOW they did it, how they got you there, what worked for you, what didn't and what parts of that you can incorporate into your own style.

And if someone tries to keep you under their thumb take a walk. (not that this is such a problem for the testosterone endowed as it is for the rest of us, NEtz, let's be honest here)

 

[Netzach]

Well, let's put it this way; OP most certainly has the right to earn the right.

And after all, he's not going to be my dom. and yeah I acknowledged the introspection thing.

And yes, I got bludgeoned too. Big motherfucking time.

So, OP. Let's combine the advice; Understand that you need to learn how to drive the fucking car-- because you WANT to drive the car, and all the while you are passenger never forget that you intend to get behind the wheel yourself.

So while you are learning what it takes to be submissive, if you go that old school route-- or how the rope and the flogger feels-- or how being penetrated feels- ALSO be learning HOW they did it, how they got you there, what worked for you, what didn't and what parts of that you can incorporate into your own style.

And if someone tries to keep you under their thumb take a walk. (not that this is such a problem for the testosterone endowed as it is for the rest of us, NEtz, let's be honest here)

Yeah, probably not, on a whole, but I think there's a sexist undercurrent in the whole mandatory older man/younger woman thread to M/f that younger men challenge in a way, that's probably part of why the poo rolls onto them a lot. It challenges that narrative.

 

[Prince_of_Heart]

Wow. Thanks, Netzach and Stella, I'm getting good insight from the two of you and your discourse.

I understand and appreciate the analogy of the car. I don't expect to walk into this aspect of sexuality with roses thrown at my feet and a laurel crown placed upon my head. Power, love, trust, respect, even just a person's attention; they're all things that have to be earned. Hours on the time sheet, I guess.

But I'm feeling like I spoke poorly earlier. I take your words to heart (especially the whole not being a dick thing) I don't want to put anyone in the hospital and I'd never forgive myself if I did anything potentially dangerous without researching it first to keep it safe for my other.

I don't like pain. Forget what the letters in BDSM stand for, I don't want to hurt anyone. I can't even stand to see another person cry.

What has always infatuated me with the idea of Domination, I guess, is trust and it's connection to the idea of power.

The idea that someone else thinks highly of you, wants to be with you in that way. True you can get that from any vanilla relationship but the inclusion of Domination adds an extra mile marker to it. There's someone who trusts you completely, trusts you enough to give up their own power to you and trust you not to abuse it. But also trust you, above all else, to give that power back.

But that's just how I feel about it. I definitely still have a long way to go in regards to my hour sheet. Thank you all again for your wonderful insights. You've been great, every one of you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yeah, probably not, on a whole, but I think there's a sexist undercurrent in the whole mandatory older man/younger woman thread to M/f that younger men challenge in a way, that's probably part of why the poo rolls onto them a lot. It challenges that narrative.

yes, and for a damn good reason, sorry. hey, we all have our hurdles. Young women have a battle to be taken seriously by teh menz; young men have a battle to prove they CAN take women seriously.

At least, if that's the route they are going. cause some men never give a fuck about fighting that battle, or ever about taking women seriously.

And some men aren't really talking about M/f at all. Our OP here just might be more queerer than not. He hasn't said.

Kudos on your last post, Prince Of heart (also your handle).

Back in the seventies I hurt a guy's wrist pretty badly because I tied the rope badly and left him to hang off of it. Most of these things are survivable. And it wasnt like I could have not tied him up, yanno-- he was willing! Nowadays, google is your friend and I wish to fuck I had access to http://twoknottyboys.com for guidance.

 

[JMohegan]

Hi guys,

I'm a 20-something college student and I've been becoming more and more interested in Domming but I have no idea where to start.

Any suggestion?

Yes.

Quit thinking about this in vague power phrases that have no connection to actual life. Start focusing on the tangible instead.

"I want a partner who will _____ when I say so, and won't _____ if I forbid it."

Fill in those blanks, realizing that reality may involve some un-filling. But still, it's a good place to start.

 

[Prince_of_Heart]

And some men aren't really talking about M/f at all. Our OP here just might be more queerer than not. He hasn't said.

Kudos on your last post, Prince Of heart (also your handle).

Thanks, I gave my last post more thought than the one before. I never seem to be as eloquent as I think myself to be for some reason.

And to clarify I'm primarily interested in M/f but I like to think of myself as flexible given the right circumstances.

I also wanted to comment that the idea of bottoming to learn how to Top seemed strange at first to me, like it was circular logic, but I saw the value after thinking it over. I can't remember where but I read on a BDSM blog somewhere that a person wouldn't do anything to anyone without having tried it first and I think that it is a good idea to firmly establish personal boundaries.

So I guess I wouldn't be opposed to submitting as a learning experience but again I first have to find that certain special someone IRL who would be willing to teach me. Then I can start looking for that other certain special someone to be mine.

I guess I have a lot of searching to do.

 

[RuReal]

@Stella_Omega

I normally agree with you, but the old school tends to piss me off and has a history of pushing people away from things. It does not have to be X way and to be blunt I have nor will I ever bottom to anyone. One does not have to learn by being on the bottom at all just like in life not all people need to learn things the same way. There are many ways to skin the cat and yet funny enough I have yet to meet someone that has looked at me even when I started and made the comments you have.

Agism tends to suck all around and we need to be careful of it. That is one of the many reasons why TNG groups exist. What irritates me is I faced this garbage in the work place and I would imagine it would suck to face it face it in the BDSM world as well. As other suggested be smart, be respectful join fetlife meet local people, watch learn attend classes and do your research.

People respect others that do the research and go to the effort to learn things on their own. Don't just research the type of play you are interested look into medical and safety aspects of things. I am not talking just form fetish sources I mean actual medical documentation if related to what you are doing. Do not just take people at their word because unfortunately people spread a great deal of miss information because it has been past down.

I wish you great luck on your hunt for knowledge and learning about yourself.

 

[Netzach]

The day I see someone post that they started on the bottom and it was a horrible waste of time and they regret it, I will believe that it's not the best way to fast-track a LOT of information into your brain.

No it's not the only way. But it's got a lot of value. Serious personal history is a fine reason not to do it. "I don't like it" I scoff at, because I didn't like the idea either but held my nose and did it. I let myself get vulnerable, listen to bullshit, deal with people who were lame about it, and put myself into a few service situations with people I respected, because I think everyone should understand that feeling in a BDSM context who wants it from someone else.

If you have a functional human brain, you'll probably wind up liking it more than you wanted to admit, because endorphins aren't some kind of subbie virus. No worries, no one has to know.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I always say; "Bottoms start topping once they find out that they CAN-- tops bottom every chance they get."

Which does not mean "at the drop of a hat," you have to understand. For many of us, the prospective top has to be really good, respected, and trusted. That's not such an easy chance to find..

 

[pandapompom]

yay for my age domineering men

 

[Prince_of_Heart]

yay for my age domineering men

Yaaaay! *kermit arms*

...

Man, i'm such a nerd

 

[cloud_leopard]

I would agree with much of the above. I started my journey as a sub. I didn't realize I was better suited to being dominant. I learned a heck of a lot and when it came time to transition myself to being dominant, it was easier because I had experience being on the other side of the flogger. I knew about results I was looking for, understood the body language of my sub, could better read the emotional responses, because I knew what they were.

On the other hand, when I was a sub, I knew dominants who were incredibly good at wiitwd, who had never bottomed, who had gained their knowledge with the assistance of a mentor or through practice. It's about finding a method that works for you, and working that method until you've gained the knowledge you need to provide quality experiences for yourself and others. It it's worth doing, it's worth doing well.

Best of luck! Sounds like you have your head on right.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

It's about finding a method that works for you, and working that method until you've gained the knowledge you need to provide quality experiences for yourself and others.

If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well.

QFFT.

Thus endeth the thread

 

[Stella_Omega]

QFFT.

Thus endeth the thread

Nay, in my mind 'tis this;

Yaaaay! *kermit arms*

...

Man, i'm such a nerd