Newbbie

[SAXXEYPHONE]

I am very nervous and I am new (duh) so I guess I will get on with the questions. I take it form what I have been reading and the other new ppl here if there are questions to ask don't be afraid to ask. so here goes:

I have interested in this for a while and I am trying to get husband involved. he would be dom. I would be sub. I have the hse. all day, the kids, finances etc. so I would like the sub role. due to other reason I believe that the sub role would fit me b/c of my past, and he's ex military he would make a good dom. he's worried bout hurting me so we have now included a safe word. n/p

I guess my questions deal with the sexual aspects. I don't know a lot about anything sexual and am a very curious person by nature. I have also lost some feeling in my clit due to perminate nerve damage so I have a hard time reaching climax.

Is what I read in the stories true with the anal sex that it can bring on a very strong climax??

With multiple different types of stimulation this can also bring on a stronger climax and if so which type are stronger than others?

Has anyone (here) ever tried asphyxiation while climaxing and or anal sex and if so how was it??

I guess that is enough probing (lol) for now and hope to talk to some of you later.


Thanks everyone
for everything

 

[neci]

dear saxxeyphone,

911. welcome to lit.

love,

neci

 

[neci]

that's right. just suxk that dick.

 

[Stella_Omega]

first of all, you might not be 'sub' just because you want to be done unto. Read the essay in my signature.

Second, and really, kind of-- first-- asphyxiation is sooo fucking tricky and risky. Although the brain can repair an astonishing amount of damage from loss of oxygen, it can't always come back-- and you have kids.

There are lots of ways to enhance orgasm, safer ways.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

you are right

just after reading your quote I got the idea of what you are saying. You are quite right. just because I say dose not mean therefore I am. and as for he other, I would not put my life in that kind of jeopardy w/o knowing all the facts.

 

[xrxomcyd]

Anal orgasms

Hi Saxxey,

My gf and I have tried anal sex on several occasions, and she has had some intense orgasms from them. Usually they do involve some clit stimulation also (her on top rubbing it on me, or face down with a vibrator underneath), but they are certainly different than her other orgasms, with the new and unusual sensations. That said, it is still a rarity in our sex life, as it takes a lot out of her to even get started. For variety at least and a new approach, I would say being open to it might help.

Also, have you thought of double penetration? You would not need another guy (although I too am in Ohio ;~) ), but a dildo or a strap-on could provide you with a myriad of motions and stretchings. Definitely some things to consider rather than an asphyxiation route.

If you want to try a dom/sub arrangement, go for it. But explore the different options with your partner over a series of encounters, rather than just letting one idea define what will happen. You might not feel like a dom until you actually take on that role and deal with your sub husband.

Being open with your partner about where you are, what you want, and the desire for new experiences, has served me very well, and I hope it will for you too.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

yep

Something to think on and deff. to work on we are talking on it now the kids are in bed and we are having a couple a beers.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

also we were thinking a plug not a strap on. asphyx. may be out. but have to think of health.

 

[CutieMouse]

also we were thinking a plug not a strap on. asphyx. may be out. but have to think of health.

The thing about breath play (asphyxiation) that makes things feel more intense is A) control and B) the blood/oxygen imbalance created. Lovely endorphin hit, IMO.

Breath play isn't smart; it's considered edge play for a reason.

HOWEVER...

There are ways to explore that are safe... er... ish.

From something I wrote on the topic over at Fet -

The "edgiest" thing I tend to do within relationships falls under the umbrella of "breath play".

Yes, I know it's dangerous. Yes, I've studied everything I could get my hands on. Yes, I expect my partners to do the same. I usually hand them a copy of Jay Wiseman's views on breath play - if they aren't comfortable, or we aren't 100% on the same page - we don't do it. I am not so hell bent on getting to do breath play, that I expect a partner to compromise their ethics or comfort for my interests.

https://fetlife.com/groups/1900/group_posts/30246

https://fetlife.com/groups/1900/group_posts/4103634…

If a partner is comfortable with the risks, then we incorporate breath play slowly; sometimes we may never "advance" past the first few things I list, which is just fine with me.

Holding my breath.
Holding my breath until I'm told not to (slightly longer than I normally would).
A hand lightly over my mouth - plenty of breathing room through my nose.
A hand firmly over my mouth - plenty of breathing room through my nose.
Corsetry - because yes, it can interfere with blood oxygen levels. *scissors kept nearby to cut the laces
A hand lightly over mouth & nose.
A hand firmly over mouth & nose.
"Smothered" with a pillow.
A hand resting on my neck.
A hand holding my neck.
A forearm around my neck.
A hand or forearm putting pressure on my neck.

At no time does a collar, rope, scarf, or anything other than my own breath control or a partner's physical hand (or possibly forearm) touch my neck... thinking about it though, I did have one partner who enjoyed using a pillow. I discussed the possibility of using a belt with one partner, but it wasn't something he was comfortable with so we never got around to it.

Why? It's a fascinating mindfuck and the change in blood oxygen levels creates an endorphin hit. It's nothing more magical than psychology and biochemistry. It isn't something I do lightly; it isn't usually something I recommend others do.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

hey I didn't know if you were still there
I was back sorry for the abrupt end but.... getting a lot of flak for the "breath play" as I am going to call it are you able to respond

 

[CutieMouse]

hey I didn't know if you were still there
I was back sorry for the abrupt end but.... getting a lot of flak for the "breath play" as I am going to call it are you able to respond

If you mean 'flack" on the thread.... it's edge play & nothing to fuck with.

If you mean in real life.... it's edge play & nothing to fuck with. LOL

Did you have any questions or something?

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

like I stated I have nerve damage from a spinal injury and need all the help I can get. my husband is ex military and knows about resus. so im good there but the breath play is better cause id have control. guess. but put that aside if I can climax for him then id be really great off.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

My nerve damage is in the region of my clit and what not, I have a hard time climaxing for him. and then on top of all that I have "Baggage" I need him to take control.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

i dont know....

I cant do the O w/o help that is the big problem here. put the breathing aside here. It was the last effert if the bdsm don't work. Really I have been doing my home work really. I Don't go into things lightly. I was an engineer for cryin out loud. I want it for me, let along him. I am dying here. I am 40. really I have been suffering for 20 years. Give or take.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

all this talk off ass and anal turns me on and what not. really I thought I would try it. what could it hurt. Hes interested in it and it is something he has tried in the past

 

[FabulousGirl]

I have the hse. all day, the kids, finances etc. so I would like the sub role. due to other reason I believe that the sub role would fit me b/c of my past, and he's ex military he would make a good dom.

This makes sense. Someone said to me once (ironically not knowing my predilections), "As the person in the family who always has to act as the leader, sometimes it's just nice to be lead."

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

we've tried to start but I got really sick this past year and was hospitalized every 2 mon. sinc last fall. thru this past aug. I cant get the flu w/o ending in the hospital. then son ws in the hospital. 2 mon in the row. I lost 20 lbs. etc. so here we are. "whos up for round 2?"
I am really horny and wanting this, 40 and all and he just went to sleep.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

3:48 here and I'll have to get to sleep here also but I guess I need to vent also. I have other issues that creat mental blocks that is also the reason that I am "picking" him to be the dom then he can assume the controlling status of the sexual roll and clear my head up one way or another and whatever is needed to get to point b.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

sexual torment and what not according to the professional says that my body decises that I want to be controlled. go figure

 

[FabulousGirl]

That's true. In fact a lot of submissives in the playroom are actually dominant figures in everyday life. It can be very freeing to just let go and let someone else make the decisions. It requires a high level of trust as well which can also be very good for all concerned.

I agree totally about the trust. (But isn't that what all good D/s relationships are built on? )

 

[CutieMouse]

Okay... so I see a few things going on here.

1) physical limitations (nerve damage)
2) emotional/ psychological limitations ("baggage" - I like to joke that my baggage is all packed up in the most stunning [extensive] set of vintage Louis Vuitton alligator luggage anyone has ever seen. )
3) marital/ life issues

You say you want to climax "for him", but I'm sure you want it for yourself, as well. Orgasms aren't always the be all and end all of sex, even when society has taught us that they are. Additionally, we have been conditioned to see orgasm as "X" (that pornographic screaming, panting, body clenching joy thing)... when orgasms can just as easily be "Y" (that small shiver of electricity, in an unexpected moment of intimacy and/ or vulnerability).

I'm an oddball in that I *can* climax from clitoral stimulation, but it's not that big of a deal to me. I prefer (and better enjoy) the orgasms that occur through penetration - even though they are a completely different animal than the "pornographic screaming, panting, body clenching joy thing" orgasm. I consider those stolen moments and jolts of electricity to "count" just as much as the whopper climaxes. I enjoy sex with or without climaxing (on my end), because I enjoy sex; I enjoy sex with or without climaxing (on his end), because he enjoys sex.

You mentioned that the lack of orgasm is a problem there - is it a problem on your end (frustrating to you), his end (frustrating to him), or both? Any chance the pressure to "perform" is contributing to things (on both ends)?

The baggage thing...

If you have hangups about letting go and enjoying yourself, my best advice is to own your sexuality. Yes, him "making you" or "giving you permission" to do XYZ could help, but in the end ya gotta own it to get past whatever it is that's holding you back. Openly talking about trying things like anal/ that it turns you on is a great example of doing just that. Having the courage to talk about trying some Topping & bottoming in the bedroom is a good example of owning your sexuality as well.

Relationship stuff...

It sounds like y'all talked some last night, you got turned on... and he went to sleep. D/s won't fix stuff like that. The relationship you have will continue to be the relationship you have, for as long as you allow it.

He's up for anal? Kick ass! Do you have lube? (Silicone is best, IMO) Do you trust each other to communicate during? You're set.

If you're having sex "doggie style" (head down/ ass up), it's easy to work a finger (or gradually three) in your ass. Use plenty of lube (if you aren't sure you've used enough, use more). Both of you get to start experimenting with what it feels like to explore double penetration.

If it hurts, slow down. If you need a second to breathe through the sensation, ask. Again - if there's any question about how much lube to use, use more.

On breath play -

Breath play & erotic asphyxiation are essentially the same thing. The "goal", is to enjoy the experience *without any need for resuscitation*. Withholding oxygen to the brain (breath play) is generally speaking not the smartest thing to do - hence, why it's considered edge [advanced] play.

If you want to experiment with it, see the long list of options in my previous post. The "safest" thing to do, would be to simply hold your breath. You will [reflexively] breathe, before you will pass out. Our bodies LIKE breathing. So if you do want to incorporate it, just to see what happens - hold your breath. If you need to "dominance" aspect of it, ask him to tell you to hold your breath while he does ___ to you. Or try holding your breath while he does ___, and slowly counts to 10, etc.

 

[LouiseBalmybeach]

SAXXEYPHONE - anal play

I have similar feelings in the DOM vs SUB. I want it but I am nervous. lol

As for the "ass" play well I love it! It takes a lot of prep if you get my drift but it is intense and well worth it! My orgasms have been amazing. It took a bit to get started but now my man can just slip on in. In fact I am about to go up and get "Ready" for him. As he was leaving tonight he asked me if I had taken my new largest dildo up there. I have not but I did not tell him that! HA. However I think I will get it all ready and see what I can do with that request tonight.

Anal for me took trust. And it took small steps. Fingers, my small vibe, small dildo and then my man. It took a year to get past the initial pain spot.....when i say that it is bc my butt needs relax and there is a spot about a half an inch up there that it hurts. Then you, stop, hold him or it there until you relax and then push a bit deeper. As I said that part took a year to get over.

Anyway if you have more questions feel free to ask or msg me. GOOD LUCK! And maybe you can help me on the dom sub thing.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

It doesn't flustrate him as much as it dose me. I want to because it was take from me so many years ago. Thanks for the advise it was well received and I will use it.

 

[DenverFunguy]

wonderful book

A wonderful book you should both read, "screw the roses send me the Thorns" very good guidlines for you both to follow. Hope it helps.

 

[SAXXEYPHONE]

I found out that I am sexually frustrating him that I don't go climatically and that I have problems in this area. And that it dose the same to me makes it twice as hard ( she said hard). I am very persistent and so is he and I am told that I am not to expect oral sex therefore I will expect it. really. I give it to him all the time. really!!!