New to the World

[Mayhem1978]

My wife and I had a very long and heartfelt discussion a short while ago during which she expressed her desire to enter into a M/s relationship.

After a long discussion and a couple of days where I did a little bit of reading and a lot of thinking I agreed to it.

We have set up a few rules and have already established some guidelines but with me being new to the idea I am looking for some ideas/suggestions.

She is willing to obey simple instructions but there are days where I need to discipline her and this is where it gets interesting as we have several kids and I need to find a way around this.

I am also looking for ideas for punishment/rewards for her behavior as when she does choose to listen she can be VERY good at what she does but at the same time when she is feeling feisty she can be very naughty and always tries to get what SHE wants.

Any help/ideas will be greatly received.

Many thanks

 

[KoPilot]

Just to clarify... you mean Master/slave, and not dom/sub, or even top/bottom, right?

 

[Mayhem1978]

That is correct. We discussed that in detail and we both agree that it will be a M/s relationship

 

[burfordt]

One form of punishment that can be hidden is a cold shower. Make her take a shower with only cold water for a set amount of time. I have found this works well, mine does not wish to repeat it.

 

[WorkPlayHard]

How about a demerit program? That way, when you have time, she can work off her demerits. You can even set up a list of punishments with points. She will be very good if she has 9 demerits and punishment for 10 demerits is something she hates. You can also curb her brat behavior. She can also earn merit points for being good.

 

[CutieMouse]

Start enforcing the idea that the fastest way to NOT get what she wants, is by acting out [to get what she wants].

Acting up in hopes of a spanking? Awesome. Spanking is now off limits for X amount of time.

Intentionally ignoring an order in hopes it will result in X? Reassign the order, but make it harder, more challenging, more monotonous, ext.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Start enforcing the idea that the fastest way to NOT get what she wants, is by acting out [to get what she wants].

Acting up in hopes of a spanking? Awesome. Spanking is now off limits for X amount of time.

Intentionally ignoring an order in hopes it will result in X? Reassign the order, but make it harder, more challenging, more monotonous, ext.

CM said it better, but the first thing I thought of when reading your original post was:

Smart-Ass Masochist (or just misbehaving masochist): Beat me!

Sadist: No.

This works for M/s relationships where the s has SAMmy tendencies and misehaves in order to get his/her own way or to get the pain s/he craves, as well.

 

[midwestyankee]

If you need to discipline her then there's something flawed in your arrangement. There's not enough detail in your OP for me to even begin to consider where the flaw might be, but I assure you that there is one. The two of you and your relationship now comprise a system. When the output of any system is in error, first look to the design of the system for the source of the errors before you blame the individuals who are operating the system.

 

[subwannabe]

What are your kids age ranges? If they are all in school maybe you can set aside some play time during the day every once in a while. Do either one of you have any relatives that could watch all of them one night every once in a while? If you have a mix of older and younger kids you may have to go outside the home in order to have some alone time.

 

[KoPilot]

If you're M/s, remind her of the terms of the deal, the things that are supposed to make you an M/s couple rather than just a sadist and masochist: you get your way 100% of the time, and if just so happens to be what she wants too, happy accident. That doesn't mean the rest is "tough luck", it means you work out a compromise with like, words and things.

There shouldn't be any room for Cosmo-quality BS games in any BDSM relationship, let alone an M/s one.

Not that bratting/SAMing is bad (and I'll give anyone the skinkeye who says so because S and I love to structure play around that sort of thing), but it would just benefit the both of you to lay everything out in a really not-sexy way. I dunno, turn the dialogue into an expression of your new ownership of her: calmly "interrogate" her about why she's doing it, what she wants out of it, and tell her that, as a slave, she shouldn't be striving for punishment at all. Make her squirm, make her uncomfortable, make her hate coming completely clean. Etc.

Tell her that if she wants "discipline" (I don't know what that means to you guys), that she needs to expressly ask for it unless passive-agressiveness, coyness and stuff, is part of your dynamic.

 

[eastern sun]

Rewards are the best way to mold behavior - far better than punishments. And sexual rewards are very effective and fast-acting, for some reason.

Use punishment sparingly - it can generate resentment in an M/s relationship if it's used more often than rewards. And try to find ways of correcting behavior in the moment that are more "fun" than horrible.

For instance, my husband figured out how to step on my feet in social environments - it hurt and it was very effective in changing my behavior without drawing attention to itself, but it also didn't trigger any defensive response on my part.

Be prepared to mis-step more than once as you get to know each other in these roles. And don't ever assume that she is acting out in order to get you to dominate her. She may be, but my experience has been that - as our M/s relationship developed, there were stages of "acting out" on my part that were not fully in my control, automatic "self-defensive" mechanisms that would get triggered and would only be "overridden" by very conscious effort on my part over time. I have been grateful for my husband's patience as I worked through those episodes.

We also experienced a stage early on in which his aggression was unleashed, maybe uninhibited is a better word - and it was very difficult for both us.

If you recognize that these are natural stages in a new M/s relationship, you can work through them (and it's important that you do work through them). But if you take them too seriously, it can erode your trust in one another. And that trust is the very foundation on which you can build a successful long-term M/s relationship.

More important - in my experience - than all the rewards and punishments you can dream of.

 

[Mayhem1978]

To everyone that has replied and offered advice I thank you very much. I am very sorry that i have not been back sooner to read and reply but things have gotten very busy here.

midwestyankee and eastern sun: May I PM you for more information/advice in the near future?

 

[Oubliette123]

Its hard 'letting go' when there are kids in the house. When the children were small, we found we could get away with most things (they sleep, they sleep early and deeply!), but now they are young teenagers and bedtimes are later and they are more inclined to wake easily.

We have a stereo in the room (they aren't the only ones that can play their music loud lol). But for times when we have to be silent, the pin wheel works as does clamps, pegs and a gag of some sort-or simply his hand over my mouth.

If we get a rare chance to play while they are at school...then its the neighbours we have to worry about *sigh*