New to dom/sub

[JoeWaugh]

I am new to trying, after some research have come to learn that I have seen d/s relationships everywhere, but didn't understand it to be that. I am continuing to learn, and want to step into a relationship of this sort, though I like the idea of switch. My question, though, is can someone that has been the "too nice" guy be a dom? And do you have to change the kindness factor, or redirect it maybe? I saw some hints in earlier posts, but would much like any direct input.

Thank you,
Joe

 

[J_R_Ashunwhy]

My question, though, is can someone that has been the "too nice" guy be a dom? And do you have to change the kindness factor, or redirect it maybe?

I'm a bit confused by your question...you can be a nice guy, kind, and still be the dominating person in your relationship. You may want to reflect on what kind of perceptions you hold for someone with the title. There is no specific mold that everyone fits in; being a dom, a sub, or a switch is just another piece of someone's personality.

Case in point: my boyfriend is one that is constantly labeled as a 'nice guy.' He tends to be a bit of a bleeding heart. He volunteers all of the time, donates blood regularly, goes out of his way for his family--and mine-- he bends over backwards for his friends, he is very expressive with his emotions, and is incredibly loyal.
...now...
none of that stops him from enjoying himself when we play...
I would think for him that his personalty only enhances the sexual experience for him because no one who knows him, would expect that he dominates his girlfriends. (In my case, dominates, when he's allowed to.)
A 'if they only knew' scenario, if you will.

 

[JoeWaugh]

I didn't have the right words, but you did answer what I was questioning in my head. I had found another place that had said something similar.
It was a misconception of mine. I didn't see how a kind hearted could still dominate. The two ideals were clashing in my mind.

 

[Erochic]

Hmm... I understand your dilemma, because I'm a woman who would often be seen as sweet, friendly and fun - and while I really enjoy dry humour and sarcasm, I get distressed if I hurt anyone - and I'm short with a girl next door look.... BUT sexually I really enjoy dominating a man.

It took me ages to identify as dominant - and even now I can get the feeling I'm not being dominant enough - but I think it's important to step away from the idea that you have to be a certain way if it's something you want to do.

Sometimes I think I should just give up trying - but that's not fair that I should give it up when I really enjoy it.

 

[Primalex]

My question, though, is can someone that has been the "too nice" guy be a dom? And do you have to change the kindness factor, or redirect it maybe? I saw some hints in earlier posts, but would much like any direct input.

People have the tendency to use the same meaningless words in conversations over and over and then wonder about miscommunication. "Nice" should be banned as term.

You can be too obliging or cooperative to dominate someone for example, while it is not necessary to be unfriendly or mean.

Certain things are rather mutually exclusive - it's very difficult to humiliate and degrade someone in a kind way - you can do it in a friendly way, in a polite way or cheerful way, but not a kind way.

 

[Primalex]

he dominates his girlfriends. (In my case, dominates, when he's allowed to.)

So there is no D/s, you both enjoy rough sex.

 

[amofiga]

Joe.....

I think you need to find some books and literature on the various concepts and aspects of BDSM type relationships. There is a wide wide range of various dynamics and relationships from those existing only in the bedroom (or where ever) and those that are full time 24/7 lifestyles. There is a difference between a "top" and a "Dom" or "Domme" and the same sorts of differences between a "bottom" and a "sub". There are relationships that include D/S that include pain and S/M as well as those that don't. Some might even involve tickling and other sensual stimulus versus spanking or flogging. There are those that include humiliation and degradation and those that don't.

I suggest that you read some material which can be found in a bookstore or even ordered from Amazon that discuss various forms of kink and BDSM. Read and ask questions here in the forum.

THE most important aspect of it is not simply the actions and activity associate with this type of relationship, but the serious mutual trust that has to run true and deep. It involves a relationship that includes both the freedom to release control and the huge responsibility of being IN control in such a way as to satisfy the trust that is both given and taken. Too often, this sort of thing as reflected and presented in the mainstream media as "comedic" and "silly" and engaged in by flaky silly people. It's true that there are many who "dabble" with certain aspects of the activities, but it takes more depth to understand the true motivations and needs that are satisfied by those for whom this is part of the core of their personality and sexuality.

Good luck

 

[Erochic]

So there is no D/s, you both enjoy rough sex.

What about if the genders were reversed - what would you call it then

 

[Primalex]

What about if the genders were reversed - what would you call it then

Then it's still rough sex.


If you wait for the green light, it's just not dominance. This doesn't mean dominance is crossing the red light, it means being the traffic light.


(Holy shit, I'm Mr. Metaphor today.)

 

[Okletsgo]

Really

Do you need a label for it?

 

[Veroe]

Forget the idea of a standard joe. If you want to be dominant in the bedroom visualize it. What do you want your sub to experience under your dominance? What does your sub want to experience under your dominance? Picture it as a game plan in your head with contingencies for when Murphy's law rears its head (first aid kit close to hand). Control comes from preparation. Kindness and Cruelty aren't really factors except as results of your gameplan.