new to D/s -loaded questions

[Chiara_searches]

Ok, maybe this is covering old ground but I'd like to comment on the perception that someone is not 'naturally dominant.'
I was married for 18 years and had a reasonable though very vanilla sex life. My wife had a dominant personality and she probably would have described me as a submissive husband. But I was playing the role that I had been taught. I was 'respectful' of women, 'caring' and loved my family. I didn't know that it was possible to love and respect someone and still dominate them sexually, so I never tried.
For the last two years I have been with my new girlfriend and we have an amazing Dom and sub relationship. Me, an apparently submissive nice guy, has learned that it's ok to dominate. My girlfriend and I communicate (that word is used a lot I see) endlessly. I do exactly what I want, and we have built up great collection of toys and restraints to play with. We love that side of us.
I guess I just wanted to say that you never know what people are capable of. My first wife didn't; neither did I for that matter.

This is why I have hope for my boyfriend. He isn't what I would have pegged as "natural dominant" but the small steps he's taking appear to be him showing he can be a nice guy and a dominant all at the same time. Thanks for validating my hope and my effort at (working on) overcoming fears about talking to him. We talk enough that he's generally aware; but we're both learning to talk more in depth.

 

[FabulousGirl]

I also wanted to chime in on the perception of people being "naturally dominant."

I would bet that almost everyone I know assumes I am "naturally" dominant in the bedroom because I am very dominant in "real life." Outside of the bedroom, I am definitely a type-A, take-charge kind of person. I am a natural leader in my family, with friends and at work. I'm well known for not taking shit from anyone. However, inside the bedroom it is a completely different story. I do not want to lead, I want to be led. I want and need a man who is stronger and more dominant and can force me to submit to him.

I think people assume my previous partner is not "naturally" dominant. To outward appearances, it probably appeared that I was the controlling force in our relationship and that he was always passive and submissive to me because he was quiet and laid back. Behind closed doors, this was usually far from true. When we were in the process of breaking up, his mother even said to me "You treat him more like a mouse than a man." What I wanted to say to her was, "Are you kidding lady? You should see the leather "slut" paddle he bought to use on me as my last Valentine's Day gift!" (However, ultimately I think it fell apart because he just wasn't strong enough to control me.)

I just got back together with someone. When we were involved years ago, I think he assumed like most people that I wanted to be in charge both inside and outside of the bedroom. He didn't try to dominate me. In general it was sort of an equal-power relationship, which most women would probably think sounds wonderful, but... Anyway, when we were discussing getting back together, I finally expressed that I didn't think he was strong and dominant enough for me. He was surprised that I need to be dominated and told me he prefers to be dominant in a relationship, but deferred before because he didn't think I would be accepting of that. He had assumed that my natural strengths indicated that I was "naturally" dominant. In truth, this was probably one of the reasons it didn't previously work out; he wasn't getting what he wanted and I wasn't getting what I wanted. I'm grateful that we've now had this discussion, because without it we wouldn't be where we are today.

Open communication. Figure out what you want and clearly articulate it. And never assume you know what's going on inside other people; they need to communicate it to you, too.

 

[Netzach]

Ladies, men can't read minds.

Yes. I'd expand this to "submissives, Dominants can't read minds."

I'm a powerful person, energetically, but psychic I ain't.

I like getting my way, sexually, and I like hurting people.

I am also a socialized human in the same society as everyone else. It's bad form to force your interests on people. It's bad form to steamroller your partner. It's bad form to be a demanding pain in the ass - so why would someone just naturally do this without a clear message that it's being solicited in some way?

I'm not going to act like I have carte blanche unless someone opens up her pretty mouth to say "you have carte blanche when it comes to roughing me up sexually" not because I'm not naturally Dominant but because I'm not naturally an asshole. (generally anyway)

This is one of those things people do. I think it's a kind of testing "prove you're actually Dominant" thing that people do by hoping instinct will just remove the burden of having to say what you want.

Most people are sexually lazy and want people to intuitively do things to them that feel perfect.

Personally, I don't play that. I can wait indefinitely and will, for the requesting, asking, and even begging. I have no interest in being with people who can't handle their own desires.

Choices: take responsibility for your sexual pleasure, whatever shape that takes by having the conversation, or don't and let him wonder why sex isn't quite as electrifying as one would hope.

 

[neci]

talk
enjoy it
have fun
play
talk again

be careful what you ask for.

there are a lot of different places in BDSM to explore. start with something you are both curious about. have dinner ready for him on the table when he comes home make sure you suck his cock. if he likes it, clue him in on more.

 

[Netzach]

Also, what he wants to get out of you, may be your pleasure and resonses...

FTW. I find that most people are at least moderately embarrassed about really really liking what I'm doing to them, and that's very satisfying for me.

If I want a good little worker bee with no strong feelings about anything I want, I'll hire someone to hide their emotional shit.

 

[FabulousGirl]

BDSM is a little closer to rocket science than vanilla sex is.

I love this.