New to BDSM in real life questions

[thekiren]

I am a long time lurker, but first time poster. I figured that I have no better place to ask somewhat of an odd question. A little back ground first. Recently I have found myself increasingly receiving offers from women who are into some type of BDSM lifestyle. Until recently, I have also figured that it was something I can not do. For a lot of reasons I can not ever be sub to someone, and because I don't know from personal experience what it is like to be in that role, I feel that being in a dominate role is not right. How can I put someone else into a role that I would never accept for myself?

Now my roommate works at a strip club, and as such I get in for free, because I volunteer to work while I am there, and I also don't bother the dancers, or cause any problems. The only problem with not paying attention to the stage, and ignoring the girls there, is that they become interested in you, because you are not like all the other guys there. Most of the girls are not really my type anyhow. One however managed to talk me into sleeping with her. Hell, go a year with out a girlfriend, and have an attractive 95lb woman come after you hard, and you might find yourself hard pressed to say no, even if you hang out with her husband, and your friends are after her.

So now that the background is set up, and you all know a bit about the situation, let me get to the point. We were about hour four of our six hours in bed, when she told me she wanted to submit to me. She also told me that she shaved off all her body hair except for her head as a sign of submission to me. Now I had never heard of this, and had no idea the significance of shaving everything, and still don't know what it is.

So my questions are.

1. What does it mean when she tells me she has shaved all her body hair, and is there some place I might find information on it.

2. If I choose to accept her in a submissive role, is there a place online that I might be able to learn, because the only BDSM group here meets at the bar next door tot he strip club, and knows everyone because both places are owned by the same guy. Also my friend who was going after her used to be roommates with the people who run the group. Just to keep rumors down until she leaves her husband in January, local options are not available to me.

3. Any other suggestions? She does not open up much, and getting her to say anything she wants directly is not exactly easy if possible at all. Everything I am going to do has to be by trial and error. Having no starting place has left me a lot stumped.

She wants to get together again in seven days, so I don't have a lot of time to learn something before I am sure it will be brought up again. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

First off, you have to WANT to be a Dominant to her and depending on the level of submission she is seeking it can be and IS about much more than sex. Dom/sub is not something to be entered in lightly, IMO

1> As for the shaving of the body hair, that was not a sign of submission, but something she chose to do as a way that she felt she could show you something. Submission is to follow rules, orders, etc... I would be wary becuase something like that tends towards topping from the bottom.

2> there are many great resourcves www.leathernroses.com www.castlerealm.com etc... google BDSM resources and you will find a grip of them. I recommend doing some reading on what the role of a Dominant is before you consider it.

3> Before you make any determination as to whether you wish to enter the Dom sub relationship with her, it is important to have both of you put on the table what you expect of the relationship. It is called negotiating, and that is something that is quite important in the beginning, even tho IF a relationship forms the paramters will evolve.

I hope that this helps at least somewhat, and I would advise against rushing into it even tho she is a hot woman. Just My opinion, and I am sure others have their views, and hope they will share them as well.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I am a long time lurker, but first time poster. I figured that I have no better place to ask somewhat of an odd question. A little back ground first. Recently I have found myself increasingly receiving offers from women who are into some type of BDSM lifestyle. Until recently, I have also figured that it was something I can not do. For a lot of reasons I can not ever be sub to someone, and because I don't know from personal experience what it is like to be in that role, I feel that being in a dominate role is not right. How can I put someone else into a role that I would never accept for myself?

Now my roommate works at a strip club, and as such I get in for free, because I volunteer to work while I am there, and I also don't bother the dancers, or cause any problems. The only problem with not paying attention to the stage, and ignoring the girls there, is that they become interested in you, because you are not like all the other guys there. Most of the girls are not really my type anyhow. One however managed to talk me into sleeping with her. Hell, go a year with out a girlfriend, and have an attractive 95lb woman come after you hard, and you might find yourself hard pressed to say no, even if you hang out with her husband, and your friends are after her.

So now that the background is set up, and you all know a bit about the situation, let me get to the point. We were about hour four of our six hours in bed, when she told me she wanted to submit to me. She also told me that she shaved off all her body hair except for her head as a sign of submission to me. Now I had never heard of this, and had no idea the significance of shaving everything, and still don't know what it is.

So my questions are.

1. What does it mean when she tells me she has shaved all her body hair, and is there some place I might find information on it.

2. If I choose to accept her in a submissive role, is there a place online that I might be able to learn, because the only BDSM group here meets at the bar next door tot he strip club, and knows everyone because both places are owned by the same guy. Also my friend who was going after her used to be roommates with the people who run the group. Just to keep rumors down until she leaves her husband in January, local options are not available to me.

3. Any other suggestions? She does not open up much, and getting her to say anything she wants directly is not exactly easy if possible at all. Everything I am going to do has to be by trial and error. Having no starting place has left me a lot stumped.

She wants to get together again in seven days, so I don't have a lot of time to learn something before I am sure it will be brought up again. Any advice is appreciated.

ok..if she is not very 'open' then how does she or you expect that you can Dominate her? are we talking about actually being her Dom? or are we talking about a little kinky play in the bedroom..those are different things. the way you say 'i don't have a lot of time to learn something before i am sure it will be brought up again' implies that you somehow think that learning the ways of a dominant is something that can be done quickly. it's not. no, i'm not dominant i am a submissive but it sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about what you BOTH want out of this relationship. surrendering control over to someone who does not know a thing about being a dominant is a very silly thing to do. i say take the time TOGETHER to learn this lifestyle and what it is you both want and go from there. it is not a game, and it is not something to be taken lightly, if we're talking about an actual D/s relationship and not just some fun in the bedroom. *shrugs* good luck to you

 

[Etoile]

Step 1: Make sure her husband knows about this and is okay with it. Then worry about the rest.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Step 1: Make sure her husband knows about this and is okay with it. Then worry about the rest.

i belive the OP'er said that she plans on leaving her husband in January. i could be wrong?

 

[Betticus]

Sounds like this girl is damaged, it's as if she's trying to superimpose her ideal of a relationship upon you. Another way to think of if is like this. She may have a whole relationship going on where she is the good lil subbie for her master and is happy and well adjusted and she just needs a man to use as a prop to make it happen.

Hot girls usually don't have a problem finding willing partners though. Since you say that people are approaching you for participation in bdsm activities then they might be responding to a natural dominance that you have but this girl has you out trying to learn how to dominate her in the next few days.

You might just be getting yourself into a relationship with someone who is going to need constant reinforcement and attention.

 

[Penalt]

I suppressed my BDSM urges for 15 years before I came to understand that they weren't unhealthy and I could release the those urges in a healthy and safe manner, because of that I have some understanding of how you are feeling right now. So a few points from someone who has been where you are:

1) Learn as much as you can. Others have suggested some good resources. Use them.
2) Start basic and go slow. You can always go big later.
3) Make sure that your presence is not going to cause harm. My first sexual experience was with a married woman. I made damm sure it was cool with the husband first. However my first BDSM experience was with a woman who I later learned was desperately seeking someone to take her in and care for her.

Be careful, be smart, keep your head up.

 

[thekiren]

First off I want to say thank you all for the advice. I am always happy to hear all sides of an issue. One of the reasons I posted here was that a lot of different views are presented, and it gives a round view.

Second I want to make it clear that I do that the entire situation very seriously. As far as expecting it to come up again soon, I did not make myself clear enough I don't think. I expect her to say something about it again, and maybe as soon as a few hours from now, due to an odd happening today. I don't expect her or myself to rush into anything, but having a proper way to respond is key, not just saying "I don't know". Knowing as much as possible leaves me able to say something a bit more helpful. I read up a little on the whole thing a few months ago when I had a rush of women approaching me, and while I never took them up on it, I did want to understand a bit better. I didn't learn a lot, but I did learn that negotiation was a very important first step.

I do know that I have some dom tendencies. I still have an issue putting someone else through anything I am unwilling to go through myself. I can not submit to anyone else, and having someone willing to submit to me makes me a bit uncomfortable simply because I wont know what they are going to be experiencing.

I would expect before we entered into any type of relationship it would be March, so I have time in that respect, but having some response to start is very important to me. I can't just keep silent, and lead her to think that something will happen that wont, or think that something wont happen that will. I want clear communications, and with her being reluctant to talk about anything, it is going to land on me to direct the conversations and get her to relay the correct information in whole to me.

I am fairly certain that she wants this type of thing only in the bedroom, but I could be wrong as a couple comments she has made lead to me thinking different. Outside the bedroom she simply does not seam the type to let herself be controlled, and I am happy with that.

Her husband does not know about what is happening, and he wont know. Had she not been leaving him in short order, I would not have had sex with her in the first place. I don't do that type of thing. I have always let my girlfriends have sex with whoever they wanted, because I don't like lies, and I am OK with that. I don't like being the other man, or sneaking around. I don't like lies. She is only staying with him until January for reasons concerning there children.

Betticus suggested that she might be damaged. I would support that theory. I know I am more than a little damaged myself. I tend to be attracted to someone who needs protecting. As far as her being hot, yes she is, but that makes little difference to me. I didn't become attracted to her until I got to know her. I am real big on personality. If I find you a beautiful person on the inside, then I will see that on the outside. The most beautiful person I know is a BBW. One of the ugliest is a tiny girl who everyone else thinks is hot. I know she has a ton of offers, so why she has chosen to try this with me is beyond my comprehension. Maybe I do give off the right natural dominance vibe. I can see a little of that ingrained in my personality.

 

[CutieMouse]

Betticus summed up my thoughts, perfectly.

If *you* want to enter into a kink-based relationship, take the time between now and whenever it is, and learn what you can, and see how you feel.

It is perfectly acceptable to tell the girl you are considering the situation, and will have a firm "yes/no" on X date- until then, you won't be doing "XYZ", because you prefer to honor your integrity more than easy sex. (I get that tone from your last post, anyway... I may be wrong, and if so... well, sort that out yourself.)


The Library is a good place to start researching; The New Topping Book, & The New Bottoming Book by Greenery Press are both good (I suggest both, because it might be helpful to identify *healthy* submissive behaviour, to see things more clearly); wander the BDSM forums and ask questions as you think of them...

In the end, all that matters is if *you* want this sort of relationship- if you decide it's too much work (which it can be), or it doesn't feel right, the whole thing is rather moot, eh?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Though you say you do not do that sort of thing, as in cheating, you actually are doing that sort of thing as in cheating because as you say, her husband does not know. I would also think that you have already started something depsite your saying you probably wouldn't be starting anythting until March, as firstly you have both had sex with each other behind her husband's back, and secondly you are discussing the direction of your future relationship possibilities. Wouldn't it be so nice if her husband was also given the information he needs to enable him to feather his nest nicely before any marriage breakup so he doesn't have to be alone too, which I suspect is her reasoning for her own infidelity no matter how she might use the children as an excuse....I assume, unless her husband finds out about her indescretions and interest in BDSM and decides to use it in court to gain custody of their children, she will still have children in January or March?

My suggestion would be to both begin living a little more honestly and real instead of painting the picture the way you would like it to be seen, not the way it really is. Bottom line is most hold honesty and responsibility very highly when getting involved in BDSM, and most like to see them as necessary qualities before any relationship, not pulled out as a possibility when suggested. This may sound harsh, and I am sorry if that is the only way you see it, but I just think you need a huge dose of reality check before entertaining any ideas of a relationship with this woman or anyone else for that matter. Part of being a Dominant is about being in control and being able to control your own life before messing around in another's, not to mention acting responsibly....I am not seeing that here. Her shaving idea was not submission, just a thrill for her whch probably gave her a little thrill....or perhaps her husband thought it might be nice to try and she agreed and they both enjoyed the newness before you got a taste.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

My apologies, I hadn't caught the part about leaving the husband.

 

[lower_case_c]

Well, i had a really long reply worked up, until i noted that i would simply be repeating things others had said, most notably MasterPhoenix and catalina. I do take issue with one thing they each said, and i would like to present my side of it.

It may well be that this girl shaved her body as a sign of submission, and perhaps to you. If this girl shaved herself because she prefers body hair, and knows that you prefer a clean shaven woman... then yes, it was a submissive act... though still not one that i would consdier to be a 'true' submissive act. i agree that it sounds like what she wants is a Top, not a Master or a true Dom.

As a submissive, collared for four years, i do many things submissively that many may not see as submissive. i cook dinner, i clean the house, i care for my Mistress. Everyone cooks and cleans, yes... but my reasons are so that She will have a comfortable space to live in, not for my own needs. Aside from this, cleaning the house is not second nature to me... i am a slob, naturally, so it takes true effort to get up and clean. Thus, submissive acts, when the mindset is right. The trouble is... what is her mindset? it sounds to me like she's not even sure, herself.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My thoughts on why the shaving thing is not a submissive act as in doing it as an act of submission stems more from the thought that though we may do things we think may please the other, what I have learned the hard way is not only is that not always as we thought it might be in terms of preference, but it is also acting out of a desire to appear to or to actually please than to submit to the command of another, and is not our place to decide. While F appreciates things I do for him which I know he will gain comfort or joy from, he spent a long time getting me to understand how it is not a submissives place to decide what the Dominant may or may not want and act on it independently and then expect thanks or at least pleasure for having done it. It is not an easy lesson to learn as we seek to find ways to please and bring comfort, but in so doing we often assume more than we should and think it is good to act on those assumptions without a word from the Dominant.

I imagine this relationship has not reached a level where she would know him inside out enough to know his desires, and in telling him she did it as an act of submission to him it seems she is assuming he would enjoy and want it and expected appreciation for her sacrifice, almost pressuring him for a sign of his gratitude...truth is, many women like myself have always shaved as vanilla women and for our own comfort or preference so it is not really submissive but more what we also prefer....perhaps she is the same, does the guy know if this is the first and only time she has shaved, or that she found it an effort or uncomfortable or embarrassing but did it anyway just to please?

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

My thoughts on why the shaving thing is not a submissive act as in doing it as an act of submission stems more from the thought that though we may do things we think may please the other, what I have learned the hard way is not only is that not always as we thought it might be in terms of preference, but it is also acting out of a desire to appear to or to actually please than to submit to the command of another, and is not our place to decide. While F appreciates things I do for him which I know he will gain comfort or joy from, he spent a long time getting me to understand how it is not a submissives place to decide what the Dominant may or may not want and act on it independently and then expect thanks or at least pleasure for having done it. It is not an easy lesson to learn as we seek to find ways to please and bring comfort, but in so doing we often assume more than we should and think it is good to act on those assumptions without a word from the Dominant.

I imagine this relationship has not reached a level where she would know him inside out enough to know his desires, and in telling him she did it as an act of submission to him it seems she is assuming he would enjoy and want it and expected appreciation for her sacrifice, almost pressuring him for a sign of his gratitude...truth is, many women like myself have always shaved as vanilla women and for our own comfort or preference so it is not really submissive but more what we also prefer....perhaps she is the same, does the guy know if this is the first and only time she has shaved, or that she found it an effort or uncomfortable or embarrassing but did it anyway just to please?

Catalina

very well said Catalina, i was going to reply For Master, since He's at work and can't...but i think you did a great job of explaining it so i'll just leave it at that as to not become redunant

 

[lower_case_c]

well said, catalina... and the points you brought up are why i said that i still wouldn't consider the act one of 'true' submission...as it had nothign to do with the will of the Dominant. to coin a term... i'd call the act submissive-ish.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

well said, catalina... and the points you brought up are why i said that i still wouldn't consider the act one of 'true' submission...as it had nothign to do with the will of the Dominant. to coin a term... i'd call the act submissive-ish.

i CAN see where she thought maybe she was doing something very submissive for Him. being new to the lifestyle (if she and it sounds like she is)she's still trying to 'find her way' and i can see where she thought that would mean alot. and there are times that i do things for Master without Him telling me to, but we've also been together for 3 years, and i know what pleases Him and i know what He expects of me. *shrugs* to each their own

 

[Etoile]

I am slightly confused by the idea that she shaved herself as a sign of submission to someone who is not yet her dominant. It's one thing to shave yourself because you think your lust object will like it - like Catalina said, there's nothing wrong with that, but it's not submission. Submission is doing something upon request, as Catalina said. How can you show your submission to somebody you're not in a relationship with? It leads me to wonder if she understands what she is asking for, or if it's a game?

 

[lower_case_c]

Personally, i think this argument is about semantics. Submissiveness is not something that can be put down in black and white terms, any more than BDSM can be. There is a text-book definition, yes... but as the term 'submissive' has become a noun as well as an adjective, some new angles have been put upon it.

Myself, i see any act that one performs as a submissive is a submissive act. However, there is a difference between this, and 'true' submission, which comes in the form of fullfilling a request.

i've been a collared submissive now for four, almost five years. Even if She does not put my collor on me, or tell me to wear it... wearing my collar is STILL an act of submission to Her.

 

[JMohegan]

well said, catalina... and the points you brought up are why i said that i still wouldn't consider the act one of 'true' submission...as it had nothign to do with the will of the Dominant. to coin a term... i'd call the act submissive-ish.

Personally, i think this argument is about semantics.

Welcome to the board, lower case c.

I have a different view on this. I do not see the shaving described in post one as an act of submission or a "submissive-ish" act. I see the act solely as an attempt to mimic certain stereotypes. And with me, it would have been a mistake.

Why? Because I don't like the look of a bare mound. I am a fan of the triangle of soft curls instead.

Pay attention, new and aspiring submissives! There is great wisdom in the following statement.

While F appreciates things I do for him which I know he will gain comfort or joy from, he spent a long time getting me to understand how it is not a submissives place to decide what the Dominant may or may not want and act on it independently and then expect thanks or at least pleasure for having done it.

 

[lower_case_c]

Perhaps a better way to phrase it would be that it was act meant to be a sign of her willingness to be submissive... Sometimes the english language is a bitch... *snirk*

 

[CutieMouse]

Perhaps a better way to phrase it would be that it was act meant to be a sign of her willingness to be submissive... Sometimes the english language is a bitch... *snirk*

It was an act which shows that *she* associates being bare with submission- which is more complicated than it sounds.

There is no way to know if she drew that conclusion from reading too many poorly written erotic novels, or if she kept an eye/ear out and realized the gentleman liked that look, and therefore did it "for him", or if it is part of her normaly hygine and saying it's a submissive act makes it sound more exotic than it is.

With the bare bones information given, I don't see it as an act of willingness, I see it as an act of manipulation... kinda like having sex with a guy (when you're married), and telling him you want to be his submissive in the midst of said sex (boy does that pull the ego/power strings), and you're even planning on leaving your husband (wow this hot chick wants me so bad she's gonna leave another guy!).

 

[catalina_francisco]

Perhaps a better way to phrase it would be that it was act meant to be a sign of her willingness to be submissive... Sometimes the english language is a bitch... *snirk*

LOL, yes the english language can be a bitch, as can any. As to signs of willingness to be submissive, I am always wary of those. There are so many you will see on any BDSM personals site who advertise their desire to be submissive, and that they have no limits and will do anything to please a PYL, but the reality you find on talking to them is what they mean is they will be and 'act' submissive as long as they are not required to do any of the things on their usually extremely long list of things they do not expect or see why anyone would ask of them, so which they claim are not limits because no-one would want a submissive to do them...and the bottom line is if it is not somehting they find personally enjoyable and are longing for, they do not see it as being on the radar of submission.

ROFLMAO, after talking a few minutes with me they find that many things they think no-one would want or expect (which often includes blood, play piercing, extreme sadomasochism, humiliation) are exactly what F would enjoy and on occasion, I might also have things I would like them to perform for my own sadistic and submissive desires...it sort of wakes them up to the idea they have been way off base to think people are not out there wanting what they consider unwantable, and for the real bright ones, they begin to see that being submissive is often about doing something which goes against everything you desire or want, and if you're lucky, even learning to enjoy it, or at the least accept it. I actually go out of my way to talk to ones who contact and claim no limits as I am well aware what it means to live it and I feel it is only fair to let them know what they could be leaving themselves open to with someone who may not be that caring, trustworthy, or responsible.

Catalina

 

[submissiveknight]

LOL, yes the english language can be a bitch, as can any. As to signs of willingness to be submissive, I am always wary of those. There are so many you will see on any BDSM personals site who advertise their desire to be submissive, and that they have no limits and will do anything to please a PYL, but the reality you find on talking to them is what they mean is they will be and 'act' submissive as long as they are not required to do any of the things on their usually extremely long list of things they do not expect or see why anyone would ask of them, so which they claim are not limits because no-one would want a submissive to do them...and the bottom line is if it is not somehting they find personally enjoyable and are longing for, they do not see it as being on the radar of submission.

ROFLMAO, after talking a few minutes with me they find that many things they think no-one would want or expect (which often includes blood, play piercing, extreme sadomasochism, humiliation) are exactly what F would enjoy and on occasion, I might also have things I would like them to perform for my own sadistic and submissive desires...it sort of wakes them up to the idea they have been way off base to think people are not out there wanting what they consider unwantable, and for the real bright ones, they begin to see that being submissive is often about doing something which goes against everything you desire or want, and if you're lucky, even learning to enjoy it, or at the least accept it. I actually go out of my way to talk to ones who contact and claim no limits as I am well aware what it means to live it and I feel it is only fair to let them know what they could be leaving themselves open to with someone who may not be that caring, trustworthy, or responsible.

Catalina

As always spoken truthfully!

I was married for six years to my Princess, before I vowed my complete submission to Her! It was a decision that required a great amount of thought. Our relationship had grown to the point where my submission was to obvious to deny. So I simply asked Her to become my Mistress. She just smiled and said I already am.

I wouldn't change it for the world! It wasn't about the sex. We basically already lived a BDSM lifestyle. It was more in to my servitude towards Her. It put us both into our proper realms (if thats the right term per say).

Our lives have become in tune with one another so well now! For the simple reason that we both know exactly where we stand. Or kneel lol! Basically it wasn't something that I wanted or desired. It was more of a transformation into how our lives were being led. If I would have asked before this evolvement transpired thru time I don't feel that our D/s relationship would have blossemed into what it is today.

I just feel there is a big difference between submitting to someone for play purposes compared to proclaiming you are a submissive to someone.

 

[Joseki Ko]

I am a long time lurker, but first time poster. I figured that I have no better place to ask somewhat of an odd question. A little back ground first. Recently I have found myself increasingly receiving offers from women who are into some type of BDSM lifestyle. Until recently, I have also figured that it was something I can not do. For a lot of reasons I can not ever be sub to someone, and because I don't know from personal experience what it is like to be in that role, I feel that being in a dominate role is not right. How can I put someone else into a role that I would never accept for myself?

Now my roommate works at a strip club, and as such I get in for free, because I volunteer to work while I am there, and I also don't bother the dancers, or cause any problems. The only problem with not paying attention to the stage, and ignoring the girls there, is that they become interested in you, because you are not like all the other guys there. Most of the girls are not really my type anyhow. One however managed to talk me into sleeping with her. Hell, go a year with out a girlfriend, and have an attractive 95lb woman come after you hard, and you might find yourself hard pressed to say no, even if you hang out with her husband, and your friends are after her.

So now that the background is set up, and you all know a bit about the situation, let me get to the point. We were about hour four of our six hours in bed, when she told me she wanted to submit to me. She also told me that she shaved off all her body hair except for her head as a sign of submission to me. Now I had never heard of this, and had no idea the significance of shaving everything, and still don't know what it is.

So my questions are.

1. What does it mean when she tells me she has shaved all her body hair, and is there some place I might find information on it.

2. If I choose to accept her in a submissive role, is there a place online that I might be able to learn, because the only BDSM group here meets at the bar next door tot he strip club, and knows everyone because both places are owned by the same guy. Also my friend who was going after her used to be roommates with the people who run the group. Just to keep rumors down until she leaves her husband in January, local options are not available to me.

3. Any other suggestions? She does not open up much, and getting her to say anything she wants directly is not exactly easy if possible at all. Everything I am going to do has to be by trial and error. Having no starting place has left me a lot stumped.

She wants to get together again in seven days, so I don't have a lot of time to learn something before I am sure it will be brought up again. Any advice is appreciated.

Hi Kiren been reading through the thread and thought I'd chime in. Hope this helps.

1. Shaving of all the hair below the head. There are a fair number of Dominants out there that view this as a constant reminder to sub that they are owned. It can be part of a ceremony, something that you will "inspect" at regular intervals, or part a humiliation right that they use during a session. (Whether or not your ina 24/7)

2. Funny you should ask that. Literotica has a large selection of articles and stories. The more you read the more you know. Most clubs are a bad place to take a sub. Instead of taking her there you might just attend one night a week for demonstration. Reading is a great place to start but a practical demonstration where you ask questions is invaluable.

3. If you intend to go through with this stop asking her questions and start telling her what you want and then enforce it. Find out if she has any hard limits (Something that she just can't do no matter what) read up on Safe Sane and consensual find her a codeword and rock on brother