New to BDSM, any suggestions?!

[PeachandCream83]

Ok, I am complete vergin when it comes to BDSM, but I have been reading about it alot. It totally turns me on. I'm trying to get my hubby to play along, but he doesn't seem to be into it. I have finally talked him into anal. Is there a way to get him to try a few things, maybe some light BDSM to pop the cherry?

 

[unregistered]

 

[PeachandCream83]

Thanks JtohisPB,

Nice to meet you.

That makes since. I guess he does act really uncomfortable when I ask him to slap my bum. Whats more, I do get him to "man handle" me, but he just seems awkward doing it. To be honest, I'm really dominant in our relationship outside the bedroom. Maybe I should be the dommie?! But truly I want to be mastered. I want to be soo submissive to him, but he isn't really a take charge kinda guy. Do u think I should let him take the reins in the whole relationship for a while and see if it makes him feel more dominant?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

What JtohisPB said, and...

Read through the index pages for The BDSM Library, and lots and lots of threads in the BDSM Talk forum. Too, read, a lot of threads in the BDSM Café, for the lighter side of BDSM discussions.

Best of luck to you, and


WELCOME!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Thanks JtohisPB,

Nice to meet you.

That makes since. I guess he does act really uncomfortable when I ask him to slap my bum. Whats more, I do get him to "man handle" me, but he just seems awkward doing it. To be honest, I'm really dominant in our relationship outside the bedroom. Maybe I should be the dommie?! But truly I want to be mastered. I want to be soo submissive to him, but he isn't really a take charge kinda guy. Do u think I should let him take the reins in the whole relationship for a while and see if it makes him feel more dominant?

It's often uncomfortable for adults to step outside their accustomed comfort zones, and that discomfort can, of course, lead to a seeming awkwardness. You don't tell us *how long* you've been discussing and trying some facets of D/s, so it's hard to make any kind of informed judgment, really. And being dominant or submissive (or accepting of another's dominance) in the rest of the relationship doesn't have to have anything to do with what you do in the bedroom. Thousands and thousands of couples are relatively equal or oppositely D/s outside the bedroom than they are behind its closed doors.

If, however, you are normally the pre-eminent partner in most of the rest of your life together, it may take a while for *both* of you to adjust to reversal of the roles in the bedroom. Only you and he together can determine if this is a situation that you (both) can accommodate, and it may be that you have to "give up" some of your controlling ways *outside* the bedroom to get what you want/need inside it.

Again, good luck to you!

 

[Netzach]

I want to be mastered. I want to be soo submissive to him, but he isn't really a take charge kinda guy.

There are two ways to deal with this issue.

1. Being submissive to him involves doing what he likes, not what you like. What he likes is too boring? Not hard enough, fast enough often enough?

Tough shit. Accept your lot, and get into HIS enjoyment, his pleasure.

Think of it this way:

"Please may I wear this collar for you, SIR!"

"Um I guess. I really like you in that little crystal necklace you got last year."

I have this exchange with my top once in a while, or variations of it. And what he wants, he gets. Sometimes he does like the collar, sometimes not. I leave him the option and let it be zero pressure. It doesn't make a difference to me. It honestly makes no difference to me any more, because I don't want him to do something because I want it.

If I want that, that's what the other 99 percent of my time is for.

Which of you is this for?

Make it about him.

2. Or make it about you. "I want him to be tougher with me" is about you, not him, and let's not pretend otherwise.

Trying to convert him, expand his horizons, get him to do what YOU want, when he already probably has a sexuality he's enjoying just fine, is usually a losing game.

 

[PeachandCream83]

Sir_Winston54,

We have been together for just over 6yrs, and I have been trying the new "form" with my hubby for the past year. It was more after reading my first novel with BDSM in it that I started experimenting and looking it up on the net. I haven't really asked my hubby out right if he would do BDSM with me. I more or less break out the toys and I just kinda tell him what I want from him. How do you bring that kinda subject up with ur spouse after 5yrs of conventional sex?

 

[PeachandCream83]

There are two ways to deal with this issue.

1. Being submissive to him involves doing what he likes, not what you like. What he likes is too boring? Not hard enough, fast enough often enough?

Tough shit. Accept your lot, and get into HIS enjoyment, his pleasure.

Think of it this way:

"Please may I wear this collar for you, SIR!"

"Um I guess. I really like you in that little crystal necklace you got last year."

I have this exchange with my top once in a while, or variations of it. And what he wants, he gets. Sometimes he does like the collar, sometimes not. I leave him the option and let it be zero pressure. It doesn't make a difference to me. It honestly makes no difference to me any more, because I don't want him to do something because I want it.

If I want that, that's what the other 99 percent of my time is for.

Which of you is this for?

Make it about him.

2. Or make it about you. "I want him to be tougher with me" is about you, not him, and let's not pretend otherwise.

Trying to convert him, expand his horizons, get him to do what YOU want, when he already probably has a sexuality he's enjoying just fine, is usually a losing game.

Netzach

So basically I need to either let it stay boring and have it all his way or cause problems and end up in a divorce? It can’t be that cut and dry. If I were comfortable talking to him about this I wouldn’t be on here asking for advise.
When we met and became lovers our sex life was great, but I was younger then I am now and less sure of what I really wanted in the bedroom. So how does it justify the take it or leave it when I love him and want to be with him, but at the same time I have needs too?

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

Have you tried getting him to read the same things that turn you on?

or thought about buy a BDSM Fantasy forum and 'marking' the ones that turn you on and leaving it for him to read? See if it starts something?

That is the only thing I have really thought about doing, so far, since I havent done a lot of this sort of thing.

 

[PeachandCream83]

Have you tried getting him to read the same things that turn you on?

or thought about buy a BDSM Fantasy forum and 'marking' the ones that turn you on and leaving it for him to read? See if it starts something?

No I have not tried that. I mean I have shown him some videos from online but he just watches for a minute and then seems to loose interest. I think I need to find the softer stuff first to get him thinking about it. I just don't know how to approach the subject without making him feel like I hate our bedroom play. Really he is a great lover but it's soo...........conventional. I just want to shake the branch a little. I mean he has even made comments on how its getting to be routine.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Sir_Winston54,

We have been together for just over 6yrs, and I have been trying the new "form" with my hubby for the past year. It was more after reading my first novel with BDSM in it that I started experimenting and looking it up on the net. I haven't really asked my hubby out right if he would do BDSM with me. I more or less break out the toys and I just kinda tell him what I want from him. How do you bring that kinda subject up with ur spouse after 5yrs of conventional sex?

Netzach

So basically I need to either let it stay boring and have it all his way or cause problems and end up in a divorce? It can’t be that cut and dry. If I were comfortable talking to him about this I wouldn’t be on here asking for advise.
When we met and became lovers our sex life was great, but I was younger then I am now and less sure of what I really wanted in the bedroom. So how does it justify the take it or leave it when I love him and want to be with him, but at the same time I have needs too?

To respond to both of your responses quoted above:

COMMUNICATION is the key to any successful relationship. Is it *easy* to "spring" something like this on him after 6 years together? Nope. However, since you say you've been "break[ing] out the toys and ... tell[ing] him what I want from him," I think he just might have some sliver of a scintilla of a passing thought that you are interested in some new things. The ice has already been broken, sweetheaht (my best Bogie voice).

Guide him to the BDSM stories section of Lit, and let him read a few that you've enjoyed. Read some together. When you see the front of his pants stirring, make a mental note of what part he's reading. When it's something that starts you getting wet, "reward" him by doing something physical (kiss, caress, whatever) that reinforces the idea that that arousal is a *good* thing.

Is this direct communication? Yes and no. It's a damn good start on being able to openly address the subject, though...

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

Have you tried getting him to read the same things that turn you on?

or thought about buy a BDSM Fantasy forum and 'marking' the ones that turn you on and leaving it for him to read? See if it starts something?

No I have not tried that. I mean I have shown him some videos from online but he just watches for a minute and then seems to loose interest. I think I need to find the softer stuff first to get him thinking about it. I just don't know how to approach the subject without making him feel like I hate our bedroom play. Really he is a great lover but it's soo...........conventional. I just want to shake the branch a little. I mean he has even made comments on how its getting to be routine.

I just think it is a low pressure way to introduce him to things you are into.

Does he masturbate? and if so, does he "use anything" like videos or penthouse forums?

 

[BiBunny]

If he's not interested, he's not interested. Not everyone is meant to be kinky, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

If he's not interested, he's not interested. Not everyone is meant to be kinky, and there's nothing wrong with that.

And not everyone is kinky in the same way(s), and there's nothin' wrong with *that,* either!

 

[nh23]

Netzach

So basically I need to either let it stay boring and have it all his way or cause problems and end up in a divorce? It can’t be that cut and dry. If I were comfortable talking to him about this I wouldn’t be on here asking for advise.
When we met and became lovers our sex life was great, but I was younger then I am now and less sure of what I really wanted in the bedroom. So how does it justify the take it or leave it when I love him and want to be with him, but at the same time I have needs too?

Netz is absolutely right. You want to submit? Submission isn't sunshine and puppies, sometimes it about doing things YOU don't want to do. That's what it's all about. Him doing things to please you all the time is him submitting.

Had an ex I tried to convert, he tried, he played around to please me, and in the end we split because him doing it to please me did nothing for me. I don't want to top from the bottom. I need to submit.

 

[unregistered]

 

[nh23]

Again, you're nearly describing our relationship. Only we'd been together for 14 years when I put a name to what I'd been fantasizing about. It seemed so hard to bring up in a conversation, you know. Impossible. But, I was ready to cheat and take all the risks associated with that. How in the world could having a conversation with my husband who loves me be scarier than cheating?!?

So, I brought it up. Gently. In our bedroom. I looked up at him and said, "sometimes I wish you would push me down." His eyes got a little big, and after a short pause, he knocked me to the bed. Later, after, it was very easy to start a conversation..."you know what else I think about..." We talked about it, for a while, a few times now. He's never going to do anything too hard or too rough and that's okay. (Also pretty sure we're never doing anal). He's also willing to try, to break out of the mold a bit, and that's pretty great.
I guess I'm just trying to say, you've got to talk to him.

I think it should also be noted that wanting kinky sex, and wanting D/s or M/s are two different things. If she just wants kinky sex, or to bottom that changes things a bit.

 

[BiBunny]

I think it should also be noted that wanting kinky sex, and wanting D/s or M/s are two different things. If she just wants kinky sex, or to bottom that changes things a bit.

Yep. Anyone with a desire to learn can learn to be a more-than-adequate Top or bottom. You can learn those skills if you're willing to try. But you either are dominant or submissive, or you aren't, and no amount of pushing one way or the other is going to make things any different.

Luckily, most people who say they want to be dominated really mean they just want kinky sex. That can be accomplished with an open-minded person. Actual D/s or M/s? Not so much.

 

[PeachandCream83]

And not everyone is kinky in the same way(s), and there's nothin' wrong with *that,* either!

I don't see it as "kinky", but more pleasurable

He likes to play with the toys and he can go for a long time when I want to play. It's when I want to play "rough" that he starts to seem awkward. I've given our love play diferent names.

1. Making love = conventioinal, sweat, slow, etc.

2. Fucking = harder (in his opinion), longer sex, different moves, etc.

3. Playing = (What I want) Toys come out, spankings, anal, man-handled, etc.

The problem is it isn't enough. I want more "play" time

 

[ZRT]

I don't see it as "kinky", but more pleasurable

He likes to play with the toys and he can go for a long time when I want to play. It's when I want to play "rough" that he starts to seem awkward. I've given our love play diferent names.

1. Making love = conventioinal, sweat, slow, etc.

2. Fucking = harder (in his opinion), longer sex, different moves, etc.

3. Playing = (What I want) Toys come out, spankings, anal, man-handled, etc.

The problem is it isn't enough. I want more "play" time

You can expose him to the ideas. But if he's not into it, ultimately there's no way to 'make' him be into it. You can't convert people into kinkdom by force.

So what you end up with is this: either you work out a compromise (between the two of you, or with yourself) as to what needs you want satisfied to stay in the relationship, or ultimately if you can't satisfy them and the rest of the relationship isn't enough to keep you there, then you'll end up leaving.

Netz can be pretty harsh in her assessment of these sort of situations, but she's spot-on.

Question for you, though. How would you feel about him going to some other forum and posting a question about how his wife wants him to be too rough for his comfort, and ask how he could pull you back into his more preferred style of lovemaking?

 

[PeachandCream83]

You can expose him to the ideas. But if he's not into it, ultimately there's no way to 'make' him be into it. You can't convert people into kinkdom by force.

So what you end up with is this: either you work out a compromise (between the two of you, or with yourself) as to what needs you want satisfied to stay in the relationship, or ultimately if you can't satisfy them and the rest of the relationship isn't enough to keep you there, then you'll end up leaving.

Netz can be pretty harsh in her assessment of these sort of situations, but she's spot-on.

Question for you, though. How would you feel about him going to some other forum and posting a question about how his wife wants him to be too rough for his comfort, and ask how he could pull you back into his more preferred style of lovemaking?

Good point. I plan to talk to him this evening when he gets home from work.

But in my defense, regarding being a sub; I am totally into giving him what ever he wants; in fact I am always servicing him without asking for anything in return. The problem with that is I start to feel resentful of him when he gets his and I'm still lagging

I used to get off on getting him off, but now I want my due!

 

[ZRT]

Good point. I plan to talk to him this evening when he gets home from work.

But in my defense, regarding being a sub; I am totally into giving him what ever he wants; in fact I am always servicing him without asking for anything in return. The problem with that is I start to feel resentful of him when he gets his and I'm still lagging

I used to get off on getting him off, but now I want my due!

Okay, get this: it's perfectly fine to have that desire. If there weren't men and women like you around, us folks on the other side of the line would be pretty frustrated (or in jail).

But! It's not what he signed on for in the marriage, obviously. Now, you can try to work out a compromise here that satisfies the both of you, but if he wasn't aware coming in that you have submissive desires and you hold him to supplying your dominance requirements, you're not being fair to him. I'd suggest he slap your ass around for it, but apparently that's maybe not his bag.

Again, think in terms of reversing the situation: I get a girl, and after a few years in I'm all like 'Honey, I want to smack your ass around, drag you around by a leash, call you dirty names, and ejaculate in your hair' kind of out of the blue. If she's not into that sort of thing, I can't just expect her to be all like 'COOL! I'll do it for you, babe!' Especially if I expect that to end up being a large part of our sex lives, or especially if I want that to be the larger part.

So yes, talk about it. By all means, try to find a compromise. But you really can't expect that just because you're dying to submit to him, it's only fair that he dominate you in return.

 

[Netzach]

I don't see it as "kinky", but more pleasurable

He likes to play with the toys and he can go for a long time when I want to play. It's when I want to play "rough" that he starts to seem awkward. I've given our love play diferent names.

1. Making love = conventioinal, sweat, slow, etc.

2. Fucking = harder (in his opinion), longer sex, different moves, etc.

3. Playing = (What I want) Toys come out, spankings, anal, man-handled, etc.

The problem is it isn't enough. I want more "play" time

More "play time" isn't about him, then. If he wanted it, you'd have it.

Obviously his comfort zones extend to a point. The only hope you have of expanding those comfort zones is to talk to him.

"I don't feel comfortable discussing this with him" is the essence of the issue right there. I'm not saying "ditch his ass" but I am saying that you can't expect total sexual fulfillment with no compromise in adult relationships. Even M, my husband, with whom I'm about as sexually on board as people can get, there are disconnects! I want it, he doesn't. He has fantasies about things that make little sense to me, but whatevs, we work it out.

What is bothering him about playing as hard as you want him to?

You have no idea if you haven't talked to him. If he's afraid of hurting you physically, then discussing it will help.

If he's afraid of the way he would feel because he doesn't hit girls, then discussing it will help.

If he just isn't that into it and knows you love it and afraid of letting you down, then discussing it will help, but you'd have to be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear.

Please consider one thing:

how would you respond if he really really wanted to do things to you harder than you wanted? If he told you it was really important to him, and the sex you were having just wasn't exciting enough without that?

Would you be able to do it with enthusiasm?

ETA: like ZRT just said.

 

[PeachandCream83]

Okay, get this: it's perfectly fine to have that desire. If there weren't men and women like you around, us folks on the other side of the line would be pretty frustrated (or in jail).

But! It's not what he signed on for in the marriage, obviously. Now, you can try to work out a compromise here that satisfies the both of you, but if he wasn't aware coming in that you have submissive desires and you hold him to supplying your dominance requirements, you're not being fair to him. I'd suggest he slap your ass around for it, but apparently that's maybe not his bag.

Again, think in terms of reversing the situation: I get a girl, and after a few years in I'm all like 'Honey, I want to smack your ass around, drag you around by a leash, call you dirty names, and ejaculate in your hair' kind of out of the blue. If she's not into that sort of thing, I can't just expect her to be all like 'COOL! I'll do it for you, babe!' Especially if I expect that to end up being a large part of our sex lives, or especially if I want that to be the larger part.

So yes, talk about it. By all means, try to find a compromise. But you really can't expect that just because you're dying to submit to him, it's only fair that he dominate you in return.

That's great advice. I'll definitely be talking to him.

But worse case scenario, let’s say he just isn’t into it, and then what am I to do? I really do love him, but the more I think about it, sex is really important to me and it’s frustrating not to be on the same page. It’s not my fault I didn’t know how much I would like BDSM, even worse I didn’t always know what it was I was wanting before now. I know I can’t hold it against him but, I can’t ignore what I need either.

 

[Netzach]

That's great advice. I'll definitely be talking to him.

But worse case scenario, let’s say he just isn’t into it, and then what am I to do? I really do love him, but the more I think about it, sex is really important to me and it’s frustrating not to be on the same page. It’s not my fault I didn’t know how much I would like BDSM, even worse I didn’t always know what it was I was wanting before now. I know I can’t hold it against him but, I can’t ignore what I need either.

Then you are in the unenviable position I found myself in with a partner. It's an impasse. He wouldn't let me pursue it with others, wouldn't/couldn't do it himself.

If it's important enough that it's making you sick and broken and miserable not to have it, and you can't have it in the relationship, it doesn't matter what the "it" is, does it?

If the relationship is impossible to consider ending, then you've got just as good an answer.