new to BDSM - a few questions

[lucyforever]

hey guys, I am new to this forum and wanted to start participating by asking some questions that I believe are basic to newbies like myself...

I have always been interested n the BDSM scene, I`ve had in the past a ~friend~ with whom I'd have some spanking/humiliation sessions from time to time - but I had never read anything about it or actually knew exactly what I was doing, if there was a name for it etc.; it just felt great, safe and I was sad when it ended.

After years thinking about it but unsure where to look for, I end up dating this guy and after a while the sex becomes really aggressive, in a way I have never experienced and I loved it. He seems to have complete control - over me and over what he's doing - and I feel safe with him even when I'm scared. It's a strange wonderful feeling and we started talking about it. I decided to search for more people to talk about it so I can understand if what we're doing is actually safe and how we can make it even better. I have found some websites but I feel that forums are always the best way to find people who are into the same things as you.

I've read about making agreements, the safeword, the limits -- should this all be written down? How can I list my limits when I still don't know what they are? How does that work if we are in the middle of some action and I feel like I need to discuss something further, but don't feel like it's a no-go so I don't want to use my safeword? Is the safeword definitive? Can you go back on that?

I feel like we need these boundaries because we get carried on too easily but at the same time I have no idea where to start... and also, where can we find new ideas for these practices?

My last question is about something I've read in several places but I'm not sure how to use it... it is about "transgressing" the D/s dynamic into actual life... this is something that I really want to do, to go out of the bedroom. how does that work exactly? does there have to be a written agreement for that to (is it adviseable)? I`ve read about the punishment and reward things, should we decide together on what is considered "doing something wrong"? or does the Dom have the power to decide in the moment it happens? what is standard for this?

Thanks a lot, I hope I am being clear and can find some light

Lucy

 

[Suzy__Tapshoes]

I'd start by doing some comprehensive searches on here and the archives. It's a mine of information and opinion on the subject. Trust your instincts, learn your limits by degrees and communicate with your partner every step of the way.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

hey guys, I am new to this forum and wanted to start participating by asking some questions that I believe are basic to newbies like myself...

Strangely enough, those "basic" questions have been asked - and answered - many times but we don't mind. Sometimes they're harder to find than others.

I have always been interested n the BDSM scene, I`ve had in the past a ~friend~ with whom I'd have some spanking/humiliation sessions from time to time - but I had never read anything about it or actually knew exactly what I was doing, if there was a name for it etc.; it just felt great, safe and I was sad when it ended.

When *I* started, finding something to read about it was damn near impossible. Most books about it were at that time banned in the U.S. Anything that made it sound desirable or anywhere near "natural" were almost entirely restricted to the gay leather community.

After years thinking about it but unsure where to look for, I end up dating this guy and after a while the sex becomes really aggressive, in a way I have never experienced and I loved it. He seems to have complete control - over me and over what he's doing - and I feel safe with him even when I'm scared.

That sensation of safety is crucial.

It's a strange wonderful feeling and we started talking about it.

Communication is necessary to a successful relationship; even moreso to a successful BDSM relationship. KEEP talking about it.

I decided to search for more people to talk about it so I can understand if what we're doing is actually safe and how we can make it even better. I have found some websites but I feel that forums are always the best way to find people who are into the same things as you.

Join Fetlife - it's free and pretty much worldwide. Click on "Places" at the top of the page, select your geographic area, and you should find organized groups that hold munches (click this link for a definition) where you can meet others in your area who are "into" BDSM in a safe, "civilian" environment.

I've read about making agreements, the safeword, the limits -- should this all be written down? How can I list my limits when I still don't know what they are? How does that work if we are in the middle of some action and I feel like I need to discuss something further, but don't feel like it's a no-go so I don't want to use my safeword? Is the safeword definitive? Can you go back on that?

Contracts are only as valid as the honor of the persons who enter into them; in many cases I've witnessed, contracts evolve as the relationship does.

Discussing what you're going to do is best done beforehand. Trying to discuss in the middle of a scene is usually a scene-killer. Many people here simplify their safeword systems: green = all good, go! yellow = we're getting close to my limit; slow down/lighten up a bit. Red = limit reached/passed... stop. No questions, just stop, and once I'm recovered, we can talk about it. Violating the stop signal is, in many cases, enough to end not just a scene but the relationship. You must be able to trust the top to honor your agreed-upon safewords.

I feel like we need these boundaries because we get carried on too easily but at the same time I have no idea where to start... and also, where can we find new ideas for these practices?

In setting boundaries/limits, google BDSM checklist(s) and BOTH of you fill one out. That will also give you "new ideas." (If not, you're both much more experienced and experimental than anyone I've ever met!)

My last question is about something I've read in several places but I'm not sure how to use it... it is about "transgressing" the D/s dynamic into actual life... this is something that I really want to do, to go out of the bedroom. how does that work exactly? does there have to be a written agreement for that to (is it adviseable)? I`ve read about the punishment and reward things, should we decide together on what is considered "doing something wrong"? or does the Dom have the power to decide in the moment it happens? what is standard for this?

D/s can range from once in a while in the bedroom to 24/7, depending on the wants of the partners. Again, go back to communication. I wouldn't recommend any substantial "adjustment" to what you do without equally great discussion of that adjustment beforehand.

Thanks a lot, I hope I am being clear and can find some light

Lucy

You were more clear than the majority of first-time posters here; I hope I was able to shed a little light on your questions, and I know other regular posters here will add things I missed

 

[lucyforever]

I've been reading the older posts these past couple of days, and it's been very helpful. Thanks for the tips!

 

[Backdoorwhore]

I'm new to this also, I recently got into a relationship where my boyfriend is submissive. I tried for a while to be the dominant in the relationship. I tried more of the 24/7 lifestyle, turns out I'm not that good at it, for now we just do it in the bedroom. He still has little orders in place that he has to follow such as ordering for me at restaurants and driving when we are in the car together. Maybe in the future I can get more into the 24/7 lifestyle, that would make me happy. We just got his chastity device in the mail so soon he will be locked up for me.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

All I'll say is this: as long as you're safe you're not doing anything wrong. There's no absolute right way of doing BDSM. You should find what works for you and not care if that's not what's normal.

You ask if the dom should have all the power in a relationship. Well, that's an example of something that you can decide on for yourself. Would you be happy with that? Would he? If not, then what would you like?

This is all in aid of your mutual enjoyment, so do what works for you.