New sub meeting a Dom . . .

[elocin13]

Hi all. I was here a few years ago just learning and being envious of you all living this lifestyle.
Anyway, to cut to the chase, I've met my first Dom . . . it went well, seemed as though we clicked, ended with a kiss We've communicated via text and IM, and it's always a delight as our humor is so similar.
Of course I'm afraid I'll screw it up somehow. So I implore you, Doms, subs, any advice on how to "lock it in?" I know I can't make him choose me, but it seems perhaps the "hard to get" game doesn't apply here, either. I'm impatient, and I want to hurry up and meet again, communicate more, get the show on the road already! He's busy, and I get it, but I don't want him to lose interest and I don't want to be clingy or annoying, either.
What works, folks?

 

[CutieMouse]

What would you do if there was no D/s element?

Do that.

(Relationships are relationships, after all.)

 

[seela]

Have you told him you enjoyed meeting him and are eager to move things forward? Saying it repeatedly is a bad idea, because that reeks of desperation and clingyness, but I think it's good to let him know where you stand and what's going on in your head.

Being open and honest is IME usually the best route.

Just because you're a sub and a woman, it doesn't mean you can't be active. He's a dominant man, but it doesn't mean he doesn't want to feel and hear he's wanted and appreciated.

D/s stuff isn't all that different from "normal" relationship stuff.

Edit: well, I don't really know if you're a woman, but your post reads quite feminine. The sub part still stands -- it doesn't mean you have to wait around until the guy takes the next step.

 

[elocin13]

I guess I should mention that I have not been on a date in about 21 years, as I am recently divorced. So, I don't know what I'd do without the D/s aspect. I would imagine there's a lot of game-playing in the regular dating world, and I don't know if those are all rendered null and void in a D/s dating scene. You know, being aloof, pretending you have plans when you don't, all that crap that is supposed to make the guy think you're almost too busy for him. It seems Doms are kind of a class of their own and might repond and/or expect something different. I don't want to pretend all that, so I'm not. But I have to fight this overwhelming urge to text him every day . . . right?

 

[TwoShades]

What would you do if there was no D/s element?

Do that.

(Relationships are relationships, after all.)

^^^^^^^ Exactly what she said.

And... don't look desperate. "Play hard to get" is a cliche...because it works.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Unfortunately, there is just as much game-playing in D/s dating as there is in vanilla dating.

Most Doms are guys who want to get laid, (in whatever way they define 'getting laid') just like vanilla guys want. They are looking for a woman who will say 'yes' without much trouble. Doesn't mean a guy will know what to do with a woman like that if he gets her, or what to do when she says 'yes' more often than he wants.

The essay linked in my sig might be useful to you, maybe not.

 

[elocin13]

Thanks, Stella. I remember you from last time I was here as JDsgirl.
I am well-read on these things, but have yet to be a practitioner! Seems the reading I've done has not included a "How to snag your Dom" segment. Hey, there's a catchy title for an essay for someone to write . . . maybe even me, if I manage to do this right.

 

[ecstaticsub]

This is an essay I first wrote and placed on my profile on Fetlife about a year ago. Some of it may be helpful here, too.

Submissives Deserve to be Wooed

Yes, I said wooed. I hit my limit today reading one more account of a submissive who has bent over backwards trying to please a dominant who is "considering" her.

These submissives complete assignments, change the way they dress, put their reputation at risk, are pushed almost past their comfort levels before receiving anything in return

It drives me batshit crazy.

( I am speaking of MDom/fsub here just because that is what I've been seeing. It may happen in FDom/msub, too if so please excuse my ignorance.)

A man, even the most awesome of domly men should be expected to impress the submissive they are interested in as much as the female submissive is expected to impress him.

Just because it is a potential power exchange relationship does not take away from the fact that it is a relationship first. Mutual courting should occur.

Before a submissive is told to write an essay about why she thinks she is worthy enough to be OhLordMasterShitDoesntStink's always obedient submissive he needs to show her why he deserves her.

This very simple step forms a foundation of trust and affection for the power exchange to grow.

Being a suitor does not make a man less domly. A man who is firm in his convictions and puts off that powerful vibe can still be compassionate, understanding and affectionate, and show appreciation to the submissive who is considering him.

To the dominants considering a submissive-- get to know the woman inside. Find out what really turns her on. Make her feel like she is the most desired, most sexy most amazing woman in your world.

Woo her now to reap the reward of a devoted submissive later.

 

[elocin13]

ecstaticsub, thank you - that was great! (I also remember you from awhile back.) I guess I'm not just new to BDSM, I'm also new to the dating scene. You're right that it IS a relationship first.
He pushed hard for a first meeting, and I loved that he wanted so much to meet me. After the meeting he was in contact plenty, too, so I know he wasn't turned off by anything. But his being busy the past 3 days now has me feeling insecure, and I think I need to just get over that. There's nothing I can do at this point - the ball's in his court.

 

[Loverskitten]

Like others have said it's the same with vanilla dating.
I have been dating for a while, yes there are a lot of games. I'm not a fan of the games and don't play them. If I had a good date, the chemistry was there, I will text him that right away. I've discovered the chemistry is either there or it isn't. If he's "too busy" to see you again pretty soon, or return your texts, he's just not into you. If he's into you he'll make the time. I just happened to meet a guy, with whom I really clicked. We had 3 wonderful dates in a week, we both made the time

I get a lot of submissive guys contacting me on vanilla dating sites, they ALWAYS start right off with the fetish and BDSM talk. I suggest we meet to see if we even mesh. They'll continue with the sex/BDSM questions. Several times I have had to say, "look if you aren't interested in meeting me the person first, you're not going to meet me the Top, go hire a pro Domme"

It seems people want to put the cart before the horse. I know it's exciting but geez.

 

[Loverskitten]

ecstaticsub, thank you - that was great! (I also remember you from awhile back.) I guess I'm not just new to BDSM, I'm also new to the dating scene. You're right that it IS a relationship first.
He pushed hard for a first meeting, and I loved that he wanted so much to meet me. After the meeting he was in contact plenty, too, so I know he wasn't turned off by anything. But his being busy the past 3 days now has me feeling insecure, and I think I need to just get over that. There's nothing I can do at this point - the ball's in his court.

3 days isn't bad. I'd suggest telling him you are finalizing your schedule for the week and would enjoy setting aside time for a second date, what night is good for him. Make specific plans (time/place) and if he keeps the date, great! If not, goodbye!

 

[midwestyankee]

Be yourself.

I tend to think of dating as two people test-driving each other to see if they think they could be comfortable together over the long haul. It might be a helluva lot of fun to drive a high-powered sports car on a weekend trip, but how would your back and backside feel after a month on the road?

The only way your partner will be able to project accurately into the future will be if you give him an accurate sense of who you are now. And, of course, the reverse is every bit as true. If you present your real self in your dates but can't figure out who he is because he's putting up some kind of front, then use that information to determine if you want to stick around for the long term.

And, as just about always, CM is right. The D/s stuff is frosting. Without a really sturdy cake, the icing ain't worth shinola.

 

[Primalex]

As long as you are communicating, everything is fine.

Playing hard to get is silly - vanilla and D/s. If you click, it wasn't necessary, if you don't click it just wasted time.

And I'll agree with Loverskitten: Where there's a will there's a way. Unless he is the next Jason Bourne, next date within a week should be possible.

 

[elocin13]

Waiting . . .

sucks! He texted Sun that he was out of town and would be returning Tues (today) so we have not been in contact since then. I'm dying to send a text or email - something! He told me last week that he would never just not call or stop contact. So I need to supress these urges, right? Wait for him to contact me, whenever that is? For a normally patient person, I sure am impatient about this!

 

[nodakgirl]

...totally understand.

I'm not sure if this would help you both...

I keep a journal.

This was a requirement in one of my early D/s relationships and it was helpful for us both. I got to get out all my thoughts, fears, etc. My first potential Dom asked me to send these journal entries via email to him. He rarely replied or commented, but I got out what I needed and he got to know me really well as we slowly moved forward.

These relationships are about transparency and honesty. If you are excited to move forward, but feeling insecure and impatient. Tell him....

If he is worth his salt, he's expecting you to share these types of feelings and can handle them.

xoxo

 

[rexhame317]

I agree with keeping a journal. I started one when I met my first Dom. It was something he required. I would show him I wrote occationally, but he never expected to read full entries.

I still keep one, and told my current Sir this. It helps on the days we do not see eachother. We do text daily (for him sometimes it is just a good morning, good night, as he works the overnight.) I am not one for talking about felings, so I will write him a letter, explaining my wants, fears, etc. It has helped us be more open.

 

[lost_n_looking]

Hello

I myself am very new to the Dom/sub lifestyle. I would like to correspond with you and maybe we can become friends. Hope things work out for you and you get your dom. Good luck.