New stories of passionate encounters

[BobbyandtheCabin]

Hey all. I've been a guest on this site for a while, but recently created an account myself so I could contribute.

I would love if you could check out the two stories I've written so far and let me know what you think on there

https://www.literotica.com/s/ariana-and-the-cabin

https://literotica.com/s/jane-and-the-cabin-79

I like for things to be passionate, people to be nice to eachother (not a fan of calling the other a slut etc.) And it'll be evident as you read through I'm a fan of long hair.

Really proud of what I've written so far and just wish for others to check it out.

Thanks xx

 

[Euphony]

All the way in...all the way out...In....Out..1... 2...3.. 4.. Repeated..Hard..Pounds..Getting..Quicker..As his.. balls. Slap her. Cheeks be-.-neath. Him.... Her. whole. Body. Jolting. On. The. bed. As. His. Cock. Ploughs. Deep. In. Side. Her.hot.wet.cave.she.can.bare.ly.breath.from.the.sheer.force. of. Him. Ram.ming.him.self.in.side.her.

The.One.Word.Or.Even.A.Single.Syllable.Then.A.Period.Thing.For.Visual.Effect.Was.Wrong.And.Went.On.Way.Too.Long.

I had to quit reading. For a while.

Dialog was ok. It could have used more and spaced throughout the story to help with the blocks.

Breaking up those chunky paragraphs with it would have let things flow much better. As is, the wall of lines made for a race to the end of the paragraph even if it meant skipping over narrative points.

It looks like this may be a function of you being overexcited to get to the sex. Those chunks were told in deep detail, no stone unturned, whereas the narrative was only enough to be considered present.

Overall, Ariana was okay. If you shifted some of your sexual exploits efforts to the narrative glue holding it all together, you'd have a really solid base for whatever direction you feel inspired to go in. The period thing, even if you were breaking the rule to make a point, it was way WAY too long even aside from being grammatically incorrect and killed all momentum.

It's helpful to take a birds eye view of your structures. Readers have to work their way through them and you really need to give them some breathing room or they lose the narrative or just quit on you completely.

 

[BobbyandtheCabin]

The.One.Word.Or.Even.A.Single.Syllable.Then.A.Period.Thing.For.Visual.Effect.Was.Wrong.And.Went.On.Way.Too.Long.

I had to quit reading. For a while.

Dialog was ok. It could have used more and spaced throughout the story to help with the blocks.

Breaking up those chunky paragraphs with it would have let things flow much better. As is, the wall of lines made for a race to the end of the paragraph even if it meant skipping over narrative points.

It looks like this may be a function of you being overexcited to get to the sex. Those chunks were told in deep detail, no stone unturned, whereas the narrative was only enough to be considered present.

Overall, Ariana was okay. If you shifted some of your sexual exploits efforts to the narrative glue holding it all together, you'd have a really solid base for whatever direction you feel inspired to go in. The period thing, even if you were breaking the rule to make a point, it was way WAY too long even aside from being grammatically incorrect and killed all momentum.

It's helpful to take a birds eye view of your structures. Readers have to work their way through them and you really need to give them some breathing room or they lose the narrative or just quit on you completely.

Thanks for the feedback! Definitely noted. That one was my first attempt and yes, while intentional, may not have been the best choice.