New Posting-------Would Appreciate Feedback

[tn_greeneyez]

I've just had my first posting. I would appreciate any and all feedback. can be viewed at htpp//literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=124822.

Thank you very much!

tn_greeneyez

 

[Guest]

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I think there are some big errors in here:

They were in a very secluded area of the park, where nobody could see them. He opened her car door and reached in to pull her out. "No!," she nearly shouted. "You will not touch me, I've changed my mind. Have you?," he whispered . . .

Just who says, “…I’ve changed my mind. Have you?”?

Also, at the very top we have:

Tardiness had never been something she could never tolerate.

I know: some errors like this get past us all the time, but this story seems to have more than its share. And there are several places where you have two different people speaking in the same paragraph, which is generally considered a major gaffe by most authors. The rule is one speaker to a paragraph.

I thought your characters went from one extreme to another awfully quickly. She’s so angry with him that she’s ready to walk out, and the next minute she’s panting and moaning. We can assume that it’s his rough treatment that turns her on, but you never really tell us that. And he himself goes from being sorry and apologetic to taking what he wasnts from her, and that’s not explained either.

I liked the passion in your story. I would watch out for relying too much on that “fuuuuuccccccccccckkkkkkkkkk mmmmmeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!” stuff though.

---dr.M.

 

[tn_greeneyez]

thank you...........i'll remember that for future efforts.

 

[Doclube]

I to have a new story

This is my second story, I am rewriting my first, with the help of my volenteer editor...she is grate and when I have it rewritten I will supply a link to that story...but for now can someone read this story and tell me what you think... be honest and please point out any errors. I am new here, and just starting to write storys. So before I found my volenteer editor....I posted two storys. here is the link to number 2. Can't seem to get the incert link option to work so I just paisted were my story is located . http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=126477
Thanks
Doc L.