Looking for Feedback

[Homeroticus]

Hello,

I'm a new writer and non-native English speaker. I'd really appreciate feedback on this story series I've been publishing as I go along:

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-cure-for-cramps

I get stuck editing over and over, but I'd like to focus on one or two specific areas to improve first.

What would help most:

Which aspect needs the most work? (pacing, dialogue, descriptions, etc.)
Any patterns you notice that I'm repeating?
Craft issues that are most distracting to readers?

Many thanks for your help!

 

[SyleusSnow]

Overall the writing is good. Pacing, dialogue etc seem fine.

The biggest thing that stood out to me was the opening when he collapsed: at first I thought he fainted from the shock of seeing his wife kissing Jerome, not a physical ailment.

Word use: you might want to aim for more direct wording, for example "he began to stir" is more immediate and impactful when said "he stirred". The writing could be tighten by reducing some of the adverbs: "suddenly" "completely" "simply" and so on. Not every adverb, just ones that weaken the word that follows or that could be replaced by a more precise word. And then there's passive voice: "the device was laid" could be "the doctor laid the device", "his spirit collapsing as he was forced to eat" could be "his spirit collapsing forced to eat"

 

[Homeroticus]

Thank you so much for the feedback! Especially the bit about word use. Super helpful