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[Pixie Mischief]

Hi.. I'm new to this forum but not new to lit.. I keep talking to people in reguards to my bf and I keep being sent here so. hehe I'm here.

My question is.. how do you know if someone is a submissive sexualy?

I need to explain something. I'm 20 and my bf is 24.. hes.. unsual never met someone like him. I love him to death and would do almost anything for him. Hes my first love. My first bf. My first lover. We spent a month together this summer. Was a big learning experience for me LOL. We are to spent summer together. I need to include that I'm disabled. I have a condition that causes my bones to fracture. I use a wheelchair and I'm 4 foot tall. Hes 230lbs LOL total officets. Hes not like most people I've met before. My assumptions on his behavior where proved true when we had a talk. I've always found him pretty domineering and I always thought his ex may have dumped him cause of that.. She couldnt deal with it. But what do I know? I figured maybe all bfs act this way maybe. I just get the impression our relationship is not like other peoples. Anyway we had a talk and he said the worse thing he did for his ex was be controling and domineering. He says having had to spend 6 months in bed has made him realize he cant control everything. and so he tries to control that with logic. I'm not used to this kind of.. behavior. I'm disabled I always get what I want. so very easy to manipulate people. they pity me and I'm adorable. But none of that works with him LOL Very frustrating for me. He says thats one of the reasons I love him cause hes not a pushover and always getting what you want would get boring after a while.
I think other wise but I wont argue with him LOL I cant complain much.. He usualy has a point to why he tells me to do things. and if I complained. hed get pretty annoyed with me.. cause hes usualy right about what he says. its rather humorous. he can make me do things my mom has tried for years. and without complaint!

anyway when it comes to sex... hes.. very.. well LOL there are some things I just cant keep ignoring anymore.. it keeps pilling up and up.
I dont know much.. I have little experience when it comes to sex. but I'm pretty sure I'm a submissive other wise I would mind and would stop him when he does things. But thats off the topic not about me.

Question is, how do you know if someone is a submissive???
Maybe he just does this to try to get me to confident to try to get me to not be shy anymore.. but somehow.. I just dont think so. Its wishful thinking (I'm very shy LOL), I cant keep ignoring all the facts. Just that explanation doesnt cover all the facts.
and I thought some of you maybe able to help me..

Thank you

 

[Shadowsdream]

~generally~
a sexual submissive is a person who is uncomfortable taking the initiative for sex.
~generally~
a sexual submissive has a desire somewhere at the surface or deep within to engage in kinky sexual experiences in one way or another without having to take the responsibility of initiating or controlling it.
~generally~
a sexual submissive derives a great deal of fullfillment through sexually pleasing their partner even more than being sexually fullfilled themselves.
~generally~
a sexual submissive has a need to be Dominated in the bedroom to get maximum sexual pleasure...
so many ~generalies~
But I do hope a littel helpful
...and welcome to O/our little corner of Lit ~~smile~~

 

[Pixie Mischief]

thank you very much..
alot of that discribes me especially the first one.
more then him but then again... I dont know how he thinks. I am not him.
I just cant ignore the facts anymore..

 

[Shadowsdream]

thank you very much..
alot of that discribes me especially the first one.
more then him but then again... I dont know how he thinks. I am not him.
I just cant ignore the facts anymore..

May I ask how this realization of how you see your sexuality in a relationship to his sexuality makes you feel?
Excited? Fearful? Passionate? Curious?
Or some emotion other than those I have asked about?
Uh huh..yup I am known as the Nosey Domme!

 

[Pixie Mischief]

I dont really know. I know I'm eager to please him! Which is so unlike me.. I usualy only do things to get what I want. If there is something in it for me. I suppose Excited would be it. Nervous to.. I never expected him to be so... agreesive LOL before him i had never kissed a man really before. He shocked me. I dont regret anything but he shocked me. I never expected that because it was a total surprise. With his stories before we met. they where always gentle and loving LOL On a good note he didnt just get here and do these things hes a very observent person. I have a feeling alot of what he says are tests to see if I am open to the idea. or sugestes ideas for us to do. and gradualy suggest things abit more.. kinky.
Last visit (first visit) he convinced me for us to take pictures of.. us. I thought about it and agreed. now next visit he wants to make a little video.. so hes always pushing me alittle more with everything.

hmm frustrated. excited. and curious would be how I feel. he frustrates me LOL

 

[Shadowsdream]

I dont really know. I know I'm eager to please him! Which is so unlike me.. I usualy only do things to get what I want. If there is something in it for me. I suppose Excited would be it. Nervous to.. I never expected him to be so... agreesive LOL before him i had never kissed a man really before. He shocked me. I dont regret anything but he shocked me. I never expected that because it was a total surprise. With his stories before we met. they where always gentle and loving LOL On a good note he didnt just get here and do these things hes a very observent person. I have a feeling alot of what he says are tests to see if I am open to the idea. or sugestes ideas for us to do. and gradualy suggest things abit more.. kinky.
Last visit (first visit) he convinced me for us to take pictures of.. us. I thought about it and agreed. now next visit he wants to make a little video.. so hes always pushing me alittle more with everything.

hmm frustrated. excited. and curious would be how I feel. he frustrates me LOL

I am so happy for you....some people never get a chance in a lifetime to feel the passion, excitement and thrill of having limits pushed respectfully.
It sounds as though you have been a spoilt girl and a great little manipulator..and though that can be fun and thrilling in its own way I think this man has seen something even you had not seen yet.
Eventually it will get old for you..and he is right..it will become boring. Always being treated as though you are a fragile flower (yes I know you are) ~~smile~~ can be its own kind of prison.
My advice is the same as I give to all that begin this journey..go in baby steps...if you try to experience it all in your thirst for exploration you run the risk of missing the smell of the roses on your way to the end of the road.
Submission should be a magical trip between fantasy and reality...respectful, exciting, yet should fill you with a contentment beyond imagination.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

hes the one in question thought. I do not know how to deal with him I'm very shy. and ICant ignore it anymore. and its not fair to him. only one being happy. He likes agresive girls.. hes always told me that . but I think thats an understatement. He had told me he likes to have his nipples pinched and bitten so first night I was doing that all the sudden I hear "harder....." surprise me LOL I Was like I was a littke shocked at being asked to hurt him more. and later on... he let me use this on him http://www.sextoyworld.com/dj0290-01.html
well he asked to. He knew I'd never ask I'm shy LOL it was soo adorable thought he was like "please be gentle.. I've never done this before really.." I asked him after why he let me. he said "Because you wanted to. because it would turn you on, anytime you want to use a toy on me, go ahead" Well geez fine! LOL when he was with me.. he offered himself to me.. saying I could do what I want.. I just sat and stared at him. Poor guy what an insult! you just dont do that to a girl after 7 days of sexual experience LOL

online we had a talk well he talked at me. He was frustrated with me saying how I never initiate anything and how it makes him feel un wanted pathetic ect and he just cant go on that way. anyway that led to more talks to where I'm not aloud to masterbate now. He doesnt want me to please him if I am not horny he says he doesnt like that he wants us to do things when I want to also. he doesnt do one way things. anyway He told me why he lost his erection when he was with me a few times.. was cause I Wasnt agreesive enough

anyway this was a shock again to me maybe he does it all just to make me think and to try to get me to not be shy.. but for some reason I just dont think so. especially with what he told me about his ex and the fact that he lost his erection.

this was a few weeks ago. he said "may I kiss you passionately honey?" I was like of course. this was online during our play time. we have a long distance relationship. so we where kissing and touching and ect.. he moved to my ear and said "he wispres to her.. i love you my baby...my love it yours...and tonight...you may do with me as you please.. I lay here a slave to your whims" I was very happy that it was online or I'd have yet again stared at him. from all the things and such I shouldnt have been surprised by that but I was LOL I was like "OK sabrina.. you want to try to be less shy.. online is a start"

I still well LOL I'm still humored by that.

wasnt sure what to do LOL and I'm very shy
so was teasing his cock asking him how much he wanted me to fuck him how badly. how I wanted to hear him. he said "uh hu mmm"" I said that wasnt the answer I wanted and went on teasing demanding a better anwser and he said "bad ma'am" "I want to drive my cock into every hole in your body"

I almost started laughing really loud was thinking "ma'am????? geez hes being rather respectful!"


that was a few weeks ago.. the latest development have me really puzzled.. I tell him a story and he jerks off.. but I never knew he wanted that I say to cum in my story to actually cum. what I mean he waits till he cums in my story to actually cum. I had assumptions but really wasnt sure. what I mean is like I Tell him a story. and he wont cum till like I end the story saying how he cums in me.. then he will cum.
I tore his penis a few days ago *Cries* I cried so much he told me if I didnt stop feeling bad I Wasnt gonna get any sex when he gets here the first night.. hed probably do it to. wouldnt surprise me. I Was telling him a story after 2 hours hes like "are you teasing me?? I'm starting to hurt here" I was like fuck you've been waiting?? I've been waiting for him to cum to finish my story this was also a little test of a sort to see if I was right. I Was geting frustrated after 2 hours didnt know what else to type!
after he cum so hard that it tore him I was crying this was no teasing I had NO idea he waited till I wrote to cum. I Really had no idea. HE said it was ok and that it was a missunderstanding and then he went to say that it was MY story and that I lead 99% of the time. So he cums when I type it in my story. he waits. cause its my story

 

[Shadowsdream]

ah ha...now I get it!
your boy toy is trying to create a Domme in you..that is why the word *slave* and Ma'am.
BUT...he is leading you by directing you and though it sounds very interesting and fun now..it could easily become a burden when it is not your natural behaviour.
Dominants are not successfully created against their nature.
What may appear to you as his trying to help you with your shyness sounds more like him conniving to get his rocks off.
Entering the BDSM world in fantasy play or in real time is an emotional roller coaster ride.
Being inexperienced sexually will compound the downs and lessen the ups even online.
His not allowing you to masterbate..or orgasm...to be horny at the same time as him is a fantasy..it won't make a bit of difference.
No one can create an aggression in you if it is not your style. Nor will you stay happy if you feel an obligation to PRETEND to enjoy what he is expecting of you. That is plain and simply manipulation...oops there is that word again!
I think you are very wise about seeing that it is not who you are...

 

[Pixie Mischief]

Well no.. the not masterbating part has a good reason.. I use to always masterbate everyday sometimes 2 times a day. and I would never be horny for him. He doesnt want to be the only one whos horny everytime he was horny I'd have to make an effort to please him. I wasnt in the mood.
its selfish of me to masterbate all the time and not be horny for the person I love. when I masterbate alot it can get to where it takes me 2 hours to cum. hes not gonna stay on the phone for 2 hours or wait online. its expensive. and 2 hours is a long time.I'd get frustrated and apologize and give up. and hed get really frustrated with that. because he doesnt want a one way thing. he doesnt want me to always try to please him just for his sake. he wants me to be horny to want to.
I dont mind working on being less shy for him.. heck I want to. I hate being shy. its not that I dont to do these things for him I'm just shy. Hes helped me with seeing alot of things about myself the guy can almost see right threw me. Scary. like being naked worse then being naked. and hes not trying to get off I spent a month with him LOL he cares that I get pleasure. LOL but I do not know what he wants.. he can be so agreesive when it comes to sex. or as you saw totally the other way around. MY goodness he rubbed himself to the point of being in pain cause I didnt tell him to cum in my story I cryied and cried LOL now I find it rather humerous. he says I shouldnt feel bad that it was a missunderstand. but.. I still feel bad.

I'm just trying to understand things better.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

to add to the point of what he said about me leading LOL the only time he masterbates is with me. that really surprises me. REALLY I mean hes a man... LOL so thats another reason when I'm working really hard on the not masterbating.

 

[bondagegurl]

ah ha...now I get it!
your boy toy is trying to create a Domme in you..that is why the word *slave* and Ma'am.
BUT...he is leading you by directing you and though it sounds very interesting and fun now..it could easily become a burden when it is not your natural behaviour.
Dominants are not successfully created against their nature.
What may appear to you as his trying to help you with your shyness sounds more like him conniving to get his rocks off.
Entering the BDSM world in fantasy play or in real time is an emotional roller coaster ride.
Being inexperienced sexually will compound the downs and lessen the ups even online.
His not allowing you to masterbate..or orgasm...to be horny at the same time as him is a fantasy..it won't make a bit of difference.
No one can create an aggression in you if it is not your style. Nor will you stay happy if you feel an obligation to PRETEND to enjoy what he is expecting of you. That is plain and simply manipulation...oops there is that word again!
I think you are very wise about seeing that it is not who you are...

I have to agree with this, very well said Shadowsdream!

Pixie Mischief, I really hope that you find what you want in this relationship as well... whatever you do, be honest with yourself and your feelings about what he's asking of you.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

I have to agree with this, very well said Shadowsdream!

Pixie Mischief, I really hope that you find what you want in this relationship as well... whatever you do, be honest with yourself and your feelings about what he's asking of you.

hmm I never do anything I really dont wish to do. I have tollerated stuff but if I really didnt want to do it. I would not.
and if he made me do it anyway hed regret it.
I love him to death. But if I wished to regarless of being 4 foot in a chair and fragile I still could hurt him.

What I wish is to make him happy. So both can be sastified. It is not fair that only one is. both must.. I am sure I wont ever be what he dreams of or whatever. But that is not my problem I can only work and do my best.
I person is who they are.. cant change that.
I know he told me how he was with his ex. and I already knew he was like that. But I cant complain or leave him for several reasons. One being I love him. 2 being I am not being abused. 3 being he has good reasons for things he makes me do. 4 being hes really romantic. 5 being hes a awesome cook 6 being hed do almost anything for me I think. and 7 he can be so giving.

I just wish he didnt like agresive girls so much LOL
I was happy the way things where but if hes not happy then I am not hehe

 

[Shadowsdream]

Do you think you can become more aggressive? Is it really aggression or Dominance that he wants? Do you know the difference?
Communication is the answer..ask him straight out...that is aggressive or Dominating..depending which way you word your question and how you use your voice and eyes.
Could both of you consider trying the switch roles..taking turns submitting or Dominating?

 

[Richard49]

thank you very much..
alot of that discribes me especially the first one.
more then him but then again... I dont know how he thinks. I am not him.
I just cant ignore the facts anymore..

Have you talked to him to find out how he thinks and what he feels when?

 

[Pixie Mischief]

Do you think you can become more aggressive? Is it really aggression or Dominance that he wants? Do you know the difference?
Communication is the answer..ask him straight out...that is aggressive or Dominating..depending which way you word your question and how you use your voice and eyes.
Could both of you consider trying the switch roles..taking turns submitting or Dominating?

I dont think he realizes it.. I dont think he knows really what he wants or needs. and I Fear asking him something that would make him think I was a freak or weird or whatever. I would never dream to insult or hurt him or something. Which is why I never asked if he waited till I Told him to cum in my story to actually do so I mean how do you ask someone that. I thought maybe I imagined it. I was not. He told me next time I wonder something to just ask. He says communication is the key to all relationships. and yep thats how it is. He is NOT shy with me. If he wants sex he will take it. he wont ask LOL Sometimes I'll know. he will start to kiss him and touch me. then I know hes horny. but often heres an example LOL I was laying down with him watching a movie and all the sudden hes trying to roll me over. I Was like "uh?" he got behind me and he said "Dont mind me. just go ahead and watch your movie" LOL yeah sure... for some reason movie is not what I have in mind when someone is fucking me. althought that was pretty tame compared to another time.
thats just one example. If he wants it he will take it. Of course if I really didnt want to I could tell him to get lost. But nahh.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

Have you talked to him to find out how he thinks and what he feels when?

yes after 4 months of my not initiating anything.. He brought his concern to me. someone told me it is selfish but I dont think so. I want honesty. if something is wrong I wish to know it. How else can it be fixed?? he was telling me how he just cant go on with him always being the one doing the first move. makes him feel pathetic and unwanted. Uneeded. that was many months ago thought. One reason I never initiated anything was because I Was never horny cause I masterbated so much. Kinda hard to iniate things if you arent horny.

 

[Shadowsdream]

yes after 4 months of my not initiating anything.. He brought his concern to me. someone told me it is selfish but I dont think so. I want honesty. if something is wrong I wish to know it. How else can it be fixed?? he was telling me how he just cant go on with him always being the one doing the first move. makes him feel pathetic and unwanted. Uneeded. that was many months ago thought. One reason I never initiated anything was because I Was never horny cause I masterbated so much. Kinda hard to iniate things if you arent horny.

Actually in the BDSM world...initiation of sexual games and even sex itself...often have very little to do with being horny...
But I do think you are wrong in thinking he does not know what he wants or who he is..the key words still come back to slave and Ma'am...he is also aware of the communication link..I would be a little surprised if he had not been studying this path a little online.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

Actually in the BDSM world...initiation of sexual games and even sex itself...often have very little to do with being horny...
But I do think you are wrong in thinking he does not know what he wants or who he is..the key words still come back to slave and Ma'am...he is also aware of the communication link..I would be a little surprised if he had not been studying this path a little online.

Probably to please me. I made comments before. Well not many comments mostly jokes. Once we where looking at porn we share porn. he sends me stuff he likes. and he sent me this page I was like woah honey thats kinky stuff!!! he said that it looked like something of your taste. I Asked what is my taste. he said bondage. I was like I was rather speacheless by that remark I've never said anything really well only once and it was a year ago. hes the first person I've been with. I seriously doubt that hes been studying that for me. because he knows I'm shy. Someone whos shy wouldnt want to be the one intiating. So it clashes. my bf is very.. open minded to trying new things and reads alot. If you are right. Then it may have been even before he met me that hes read this. Would explain why he called me wench. English is my 2nd langauge. first time I ignored but 2nd time I had a puzzled look on my face. He said "it means servent girl" I protested and said "HEY!" but like usual he shut me up by making another comment saying "And I like what your serving" great I'm food now! LOL

I can say I was very surprised that evening he called me "Ma'am" I didnt question him because I didnt want to ruin our night. One of the most fun I had in a while with him. I wasnt sure what to do or act. But I need to learn to be less shy not for him for me. so I can deal with people. Online is a start


he probably read stuff in articles I dont know. He reads constantly. And always tries to learn new things. Including sexualy to please his partner and have fun. he likes trying new things. I know he wants me to tell him what to do hes hinted at that LOL he said he had a dream.. I'm sorry but thats a hint he did NOT dream that. Perhapes your right he knows what he wants but he also knows I'm shy and doesnt want to impose.

But it seems I was right about him. hehe I thought maybe I was imagining it all.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Indirectly he is asking you to pick up on his comments not to let them pass..if you continue to let them pass he will begin to stop making them.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

Indirectly he is asking you to pick up on his comments not to let them pass..if you continue to let them pass he will begin to stop making them.

and then beging to become distant. I dont want that.

 

[lark sparrow]

yes after 4 months of my not initiating anything.. He brought his concern to me. someone told me it is selfish but I dont think so. I want honesty. if something is wrong I wish to know it. How else can it be fixed?? he was telling me how he just cant go on with him always being the one doing the first move. makes him feel pathetic and unwanted. Uneeded. that was many months ago thought. One reason I never initiated anything was because I Was never horny cause I masterbated so much. Kinda hard to iniate things if you arent horny.

Two things, Pixie: Make sure that you are not the only one who needs to make all the changes. It seems as if the language he uses makes it seem like he is trying to change for you - but is that so? As you keep saying you wish he didn't like aggressive women so much. It seems he is projecting his desires on you. I am not saying he is a bad man, as all relationships have issues in one arena or another, but normally it's truly something that takes a bit of change on both parts - compromise, experimentation.

Also, since this is your first sexual relationship I would encourage you not to get too caught up in defining yourself through BDSM, either being Domme or submissive. All people have dominant and submissive traits but the majority of people are not necessarily a hardcore Dominant or submissive. On the other hand, some roleplaying may be helpful in overcoming your shyness, if it appeals to you. But I am thinking back to Shadowdream's comment about babysteps, and not even necessarily into BDSM, but simply in being sexual with someone else. What do you want and like - aside from pleasing him? Or is that the overwhelming desire sexually for you? Is it because that really turns you on or is it because you really aren't sure what to do because of your inexperience? These are mainly rhetorical questions.

The thing is, if he really wants to be a sub, then he can't call the shots too - lol. You have said he is rather domineering in the relationship, and it seems he is also controlling in the roleplaying as well. Even if he wants to give up control sometimes sexually, it is when he wants, without your full knowledge/consent, and is pushed even though it makes you uncomfortable. A submissive would not be allowed to flip his Domme over to take her while she is watching TV.

Sounds like you are both doing a fair amount of exploring and experimenting, and that you care for eachother a great deal. Best wishes to you!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Damn, Shadowsdream...Ya beat Me to it!

I was just going to say, that being sexually submissive and being submissive are two different issues. Sure, they can overlap, but they are not the same thing.

A person can be sexually submissive without being submissiive the the D/s sense.

Eb

 

[Richard49]

Re: Damn, Shadowsdream...Ya beat Me to it!

A person can be sexually submissive without being submissiive the the D/s sense.

Eb

isn't sexual submissivness a D/s thing?

What about those that "need" pain?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Damn, Shadowsdream...Ya beat Me to it!

isn't sexual submissivness a D/s thing?

What about those that "need" pain?

No sexual submissiveness is not a D/s thing. the labelling of it is a d/s thing.

All over the world there are men and women who prefer to either take control or be controlled in the bedroom. They are not into D/s, and they would be appalled at being called a member of the lifestyle.

And what does pain have to do with being sexually submissive? That is just an assumption.

The need to receive pain in a sexual context is masochism, the need to inflict pain in a sexual context is sadism.

The two does not necessarily have anything to do with sexual submission.

 

[DRxBlue]

Once again i am transfixed...

This thread shows why our little "perv garden" has been producing such bumper crops. i fell for you the 1st time i saw one of your avs. Reading your posts has opened the curtain on a new and wonderful show. "Prime Time Pixie Mischief" or something. Definitely on my viewing schedule.

i have a long history of working with people who have special needs. My Mom (and Mentor) is a retired Special Ed teacher; i've been "helping her" since i was about 10 (in 1962) and she went back to school to get her degree.

i know that, as "Tommy" says in the rock opera by The Who, "Sickness will surely take the mind, where minds can't usually go."

For someone in your position, BDSM thought is the perfect way to get the most from every one of your senses. Exploring every possible desire and expanding each erotic horizon is what we come here to do.

Looks like you've collected some HEAVY duty help in your explorations. It's always a joy to see You share Your wisdom, Shadowsdream. And Ebonyfire! My darlin' sister is an authority on this subject, and she HAS authority! (best believe that)

It also seems you have found a fascinating partner to explore with. i wish you all the happiness and excitement a human can have.

i just wanted to say "hello" and let you know i'm rooting for you. i'm very glad you have discovered our secret school of depravity.

i hope you sneak into all the treasure troves around here. Pixies are so CUTE when you bury them up to their neck in treasure...

Jewels and Gold and Silver!
Precious Stones and Pearls on Strings!
Wheeee!

i love decorating my mind,
Blue